I SAH and managed kid activities, kept a clean house, did all the laundry and cooking but I was happy to do those things. i did most of the cooking before we had kids too because I enjoy cooking. DH works long hours but always jumped in and helped clean up after dinner, did bath and bedtime, and tons on the weekend. We were very clear before I stayed home which key areas would be covered by each of us. Sounds like you and your DH are not on the same page. You seem extremely focused on having a spotless house and don't enjoy cooking. Why don't you guys try shopping together on weekends and cooking together so that your house will be well stocked and you'll have healthy things on hand for your DH to reheat during the week. Before long, you are going to need more food options and routine for your DC.

Making dinner is also a time-dependent activity, whereas cleaning is not. DH can help you clean in the evenings after baby is asleep, but perhaps taking 10 mins to throw some chicken in the oven so he could walk in to a hot meal would go a lot farther to improve your relationship than folding the linens.

He may not be with the child all day but he is working, and I assume that means he's contributing financially to the household.

cooking dinner doesn't mean he works 8 hrs and you work 24 hrs, you could make the dinner during the 8 hrs he is away and then both of you can sit and eat together when the baby is sleeping.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think more broadly about the example you're setting for your child here. You're showing him that marriage isn't about working together, trying to be good to each other, etc., it's about staking out what you want to be responsible for and then refusing to go outside of it for the benefit of your marriage or your household. That's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship.

I get what you are saying, but in fact I am not comfortable with a model for my son where he seems mom doing all of the cooking and cleaning from morning until night, and runs the household, and her job is 24/7 while dad is off the clock once he gets in the door. I do all the cleaning-I have a really nicely kept house. Our sink doesn't have dirty dishes in it, our counters aren't sticky, our floors are swept, we always have clean clothes, our bathroom towels are always fresh, our cars are tidy, DS's toys are nicely kept and rotated, our bills are paid and paperwork is in order, our taxes are filed, etc. Before we had a kid, DH would go out for a breakfast burrito on Saturday, while I spent an hour on cleaning. I'm not resentful, I love having a nice guest-ready house, and so does DH. We often have guests over. But aside from cooking, I pretty much do everything, and I actually think DS should see dad doing some household stuff as well. DH isn't a natural cleaner-upper, so I don't think he's going to all of a sudden pitch in more on that front.

1. You definitely need to discuss division of labor.
2. If you wind up divorced I will marry you in an instant. Seriously. I love to cook and tidy so we make a perfect couple.

Anonymous wrote:Op here again, I agree with y'all on healthy family dinners and modeling for DS and all that good stuff. I was thinking that would all time nicely with our son starting a few hours of pre-school. Still really appreciating all the great suggestions!

No, the modeling starts now. You should be eating meals (even if just mini meals) with him, he should be eating what you eat, so he can see that people eat real, healthy, nutritious food, that healthy food taste good and people enjoy eating it. By the time your son is ready for preschool (2.5 -3 years old at the earliest) those food prejudices many times have already been formed. The power struggles have already started. I see TONS of kids at that age who won't touch any vegetable or a fruit, who only eat white flour (pasta with butter or rice or grill cheese, etc) the parents claim they are powerless. And then these "phases" last and last and you have a picky kindergartner who turns into a picky 5th grader who turns into a picky high schooler, etc. Don't set yourself up and your child to fail over your own marital power struggle re who is right and who is wrong for making dinner. Show your child, from the beginning, that we respect our bodies by giving it the good food we need, that mommy is important because she also takes care of her health this way, that trying new foods is fun, that eating meals together is fun, etc. Kids are watching and absorbing, even at your DS's young age.

Do you want to be "right" or do you want your family and home to be happy?

The biggest fucking scam that men have gotten away with is "men take care of the outside and the maintenance and the cars". First of all, none of us are living on major acreage. People with big yards end up outsourcing, and most of us in the region are on postage stamp lots, or condos or townhouses. Unless you are into mega-landscaping, the outside is nbd. No 100k+ families I know are out there on ladders cleaning gutters. "Maintenance?" Lol- my DH isn't under the sink or in the electric panel or tiling the bathroom. My favorite is the "car maintenance". I LOVE doing the car "maintenance". I take it to Acura a few times a year and sit in their nice waiting room drinking coffee and playing on my phone. There was probably a time where all of this was hard work, when owe actually did this stuff, but it's been so pared down and outsourcing this stuff is the norm while us ladies are still trying not to feel guilty about hiring a cleaning lady. All that's left for the guys is taking out the trash (while u run around the house and round it all up and bag it up and put it in the can". And trash is only once a week!!

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Didn't read through all the responses but going to chime in anyway.
It's your job as an adult to make dinner - not every night but often, maybe half of the nights.
Is it practical for your husband to make dinner given his work schedule? Maybe he can cover one or two nights or be in charge of something else while you prepare food. I'm sure you can work out a system that gets food on the the table without either of you feeling resentful over it.
Based on your post I think you are a little grouchy as a SAHM which is understandable given the age of your child. It also sounds as if your DH is giving you a clear message - why don't you cook a couple of nights a week and make him happy? Perhaps he will do the same for you sometimes. Easy way to maintain/improve relationship. This seems to me so basic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think more broadly about the example you're setting for your child here. You're showing him that marriage isn't about working together, trying to be good to each other, etc., it's about staking out what you want to be responsible for and then refusing to go outside of it for the benefit of your marriage or your household. That's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship.

I get what you are saying, but in fact I am not comfortable with a model for my son where he seems mom doing all of the cooking and cleaning from morning until night, and runs the household, and her job is 24/7 while dad is off the clock once he gets in the door. I do all the cleaning-I have a really nicely kept house. Our sink doesn't have dirty dishes in it, our counters aren't sticky, our floors are swept, we always have clean clothes, our bathroom towels are always fresh, our cars are tidy, DS's toys are nicely kept and rotated, our bills are paid and paperwork is in order, our taxes are filed, etc. Before we had a kid, DH would go out for a breakfast burrito on Saturday, while I spent an hour on cleaning. I'm not resentful, I love having a nice guest-ready house, and so does DH. We often have guests over. But aside from cooking, I pretty much do everything, and I actually think DS should see dad doing some household stuff as well. DH isn't a natural cleaner-upper, so I don't think he's going to all of a sudden pitch in more on that front.

Doesn't dad do lawn work, bathe kids, put kids to bed half the time? Cook dinner on weekends, breakfast on weekends?

All that you posted about a well oiled household seems normal.

Nope-town house so no lawn to speak of, I do baby bath right after dinner (food in hair and all that), rarely puts DS to bed bc he is just getting home when DS goes to sleep - he never offers to do so, and I don't want to thrust baby in his arms when he walks in door. We alternate caring for DS on weekend mornings, so we do breakfast on our own, and weekend meals we usually go out or take out.

Yes, but at 12 months it's starting to get pretty tough. I think we did takeout/easy meals for the first 18 months or so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to let him prepare his own meals. It's another thing if there isn't enough food in the house for him to do that. It has taken me longer than it should have to realize that if I bought more protein items at the store, meal prep becomes a lot easier. Get some deli meats and sliced cheese so he can make a sandwich. Frozen chicken fingers are quick to prepare and can hang out in the freezer for months. We eat eggs for any meal of the day. A ham, egg, and cheese sandwich is loved by everyone in our house. Canned tuna or chicken makes a great salad (that can be put on bread or a green salad).

Sometimes I have a hot meal waiting, sometimes I'm overwhelmed (3 boys) and dh has to fend for himself when he comes home. Sometimes, dh will text me on his way out to say he skipped lunch and it would be great if I had something ready for him when he got home. I will make him the ham-egg-cheese sandwich (5 minutes) or toss some chicken fingers in the toaster oven if I don't have anything else to make.

Omg that would make me mad! Hey hon, I know I'm kid free all-day and you are home alone with THREE KIDS, but I mismanaged my time, so please make me some dinner.

While I don't feel like it's my "job" to cook for him, I do actually care about him. Our marriage isn't a business arrangement (but it might be different for others here). If he's having a bad day and he's hungry, I'll make him something so he feels better. People who like each other do things like that. FWIW, on the weekends he spends pretty much every waking second caring for the kids including making all their meals. I can literally do nothing on the weekends and he doesn't care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think more broadly about the example you're setting for your child here. You're showing him that marriage isn't about working together, trying to be good to each other, etc., it's about staking out what you want to be responsible for and then refusing to go outside of it for the benefit of your marriage or your household. That's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship.

I get what you are saying, but in fact I am not comfortable with a model for my son where he seems mom doing all of the cooking and cleaning from morning until night, and runs the household, and her job is 24/7 while dad is off the clock once he gets in the door. I do all the cleaning-I have a really nicely kept house. Our sink doesn't have dirty dishes in it, our counters aren't sticky, our floors are swept, we always have clean clothes, our bathroom towels are always fresh, our cars are tidy, DS's toys are nicely kept and rotated, our bills are paid and paperwork is in order, our taxes are filed, etc. Before we had a kid, DH would go out for a breakfast burrito on Saturday, while I spent an hour on cleaning. I'm not resentful, I love having a nice guest-ready house, and so does DH. We often have guests over. But aside from cooking, I pretty much do everything, and I actually think DS should see dad doing some household stuff as well. DH isn't a natural cleaner-upper, so I don't think he's going to all of a sudden pitch in more on that front.

Doesn't dad do lawn work, bathe kids, put kids to bed half the time? Cook dinner on weekends, breakfast on weekends?

All that you posted about a well oiled household seems normal.

Not Op. But I can tell you that my husband never once bathed the kids, didn't change much in the way of diapers, although he said goodnight to the kids at bedtime. He doesn't cook breakfast. He will sometimes grill the meat on weekends but I usually prepare the side/veggie. He never gets up to let the dogs out..if anyone sleeps in, it is him.

He works his butt off at the office and he takes care of maintenance type chores and much of the routine yard work. He helps with the laundry. That is plenty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think more broadly about the example you're setting for your child here. You're showing him that marriage isn't about working together, trying to be good to each other, etc., it's about staking out what you want to be responsible for and then refusing to go outside of it for the benefit of your marriage or your household. That's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship.

I get what you are saying, but in fact I am not comfortable with a model for my son where he seems mom doing all of the cooking and cleaning from morning until night, and runs the household, and her job is 24/7 while dad is off the clock once he gets in the door. I do all the cleaning-I have a really nicely kept house. Our sink doesn't have dirty dishes in it, our counters aren't sticky, our floors are swept, we always have clean clothes, our bathroom towels are always fresh, our cars are tidy, DS's toys are nicely kept and rotated, our bills are paid and paperwork is in order, our taxes are filed, etc. Before we had a kid, DH would go out for a breakfast burrito on Saturday, while I spent an hour on cleaning. I'm not resentful, I love having a nice guest-ready house, and so does DH. We often have guests over. But aside from cooking, I pretty much do everything, and I actually think DS should see dad doing some household stuff as well. DH isn't a natural cleaner-upper, so I don't think he's going to all of a sudden pitch in more on that front.

You keep changing your story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think more broadly about the example you're setting for your child here. You're showing him that marriage isn't about working together, trying to be good to each other, etc., it's about staking out what you want to be responsible for and then refusing to go outside of it for the benefit of your marriage or your household. That's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship.

I get what you are saying, but in fact I am not comfortable with a model for my son where he seems mom doing all of the cooking and cleaning from morning until night, and runs the household, and her job is 24/7 while dad is off the clock once he gets in the door. I do all the cleaning-I have a really nicely kept house. Our sink doesn't have dirty dishes in it, our counters aren't sticky, our floors are swept, we always have clean clothes, our bathroom towels are always fresh, our cars are tidy, DS's toys are nicely kept and rotated, our bills are paid and paperwork is in order, our taxes are filed, etc. Before we had a kid, DH would go out for a breakfast burrito on Saturday, while I spent an hour on cleaning. I'm not resentful, I love having a nice guest-ready house, and so does DH. We often have guests over. But aside from cooking, I pretty much do everything, and I actually think DS should see dad doing some household stuff as well. DH isn't a natural cleaner-upper, so I don't think he's going to all of a sudden pitch in more on that front.

Doesn't dad do lawn work, bathe kids, put kids to bed half the time? Cook dinner on weekends, breakfast on weekends?

All that you posted about a well oiled household seems normal.

Anonymous wrote:

Ha! I love this. I research the social development of the home (seriously!) and collect vintage etiquette books and cookbooks. The role of the homemaker/SAHP has logically developed and changed with the times, but the "job description" has remained basically the same, if you disregard social norms (i.e., gender equality): take care of the house and the people in it.

- a SAHM and feminist who cooks 4-5 days/week

What do you do while your baby naps?

Are you constantly engaging him while he's awake? I did sah when I only had one kid, so I get the drudgery, and I also did a lot of music classes; story times, play dates, playground trips, so I wasn't ignoring my kid. But at this stage of one kid? Your house isn't getting that messy that you need to clean for 4 hours a day during nap. And you also can talk to your baby in the high chair while you prepare dinner for the family. At 12 months, both my kids were off purées and eating part of our dinners. I think you just have an axe to grind about being home, but I think you should get over it and start making dinners for the family. Go shopping Sunday mornings as a family. Have dh part of the meal planning process Saturday night. But yeah--you're home and it's not that hard to start dinner. It'll be good for all of you.