Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 13:16     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
OP what if your BF was raped, or coerced into sex by a much older person?

Maybe he doesn't feel safe telling you this.

Years ago, whenI was in HS a friend of mine's BF had lost his virginity at 12 by a rather pushy 18 year old.

He was actually traumatized by this and didn't tell her for a very long time after they'd been dating.

You need to stop pushing him.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 13:10     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I don't see it as relevant either, BUT if I asked my partner a question and he flat out refused to answer it, I would wonder WTH is going on there.

Is there any chance it could be a bad memory for him, OP? Some men visit prostitutes for their "first time." Or, it could have been someone older and he feels this reflects badly on him?

A long-ago BF shared with me that his first time was with an older housemaid. She was also a child. He was very young too, maybe something like 9 or ten. I forget. But it made me aware that men can have awful experiences as well.

I don't see how knowing about a partner's first time makes any meaningful difference in the here-and-now, but I can of course see how it could be an interesting piece of someone's history. If it was a long term girlfriend, in college or high school, or a drunken ONS, or a surprise that happened (at camp or Spring Break)...I mean, whatever the circumstance, it does shed light on that person's early experience in some way.

I guess what I'm trying to say, OP, is that I get how weird it would be to have someone withhold this information (and I understand how in some way it could be interesting to know), but I am telling you that it does not matter in any way as far as your current relationship. I feel that I am a lot older than you, so for me, goodness, it's not a question I would even think to ask. It has no bearing on your lives now. That he won't answer is the issue, not the information itself.

Another hard relationship lesson: My partner is different from me! Coming to terms with this is a lifelong struggle. I would say how long I've been married, but it would make me even worse than the aforementioned fossil.

Think about why people are calling you troll. It's because, honey at root, this is a total non-starter. Adults don't care about this stuff. You've entered a new world now that you're sexually active. Recognize that this is the norm. Stay healthy and try to let go of the need to know.



But I'm not judgmental about anyone. I would hope he knows that about me by now. I work hard not to be because I was teased about so much stuff.
I think it would be easier if he told me he didn't want to talk about it. I might wonder why, but I could respect that he didn't want to talk about it.
When he says he doesn't remember I don't see how it's possible, but maybe that's because you say it's new to me, and in my mind I'll always remember. I'm starting to see how complicated sex is.


I don't remember my first time. I had a lot of partners in high school/college, and I don't remember the chronological order, or who I had sex with, vs. who I fooled around with. I am 33, just like your boyfriend, so it's entirely possible he doesn't remember.


Oops posting ended up in the middle of another. So I'll say it again:

Another hard relationship lesson: My partner is different from me! Coming to terms with this is a lifelong struggle. I would say how long I've been married, but it would make me even worse than the aforementioned fossil.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 13:08     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I don't see it as relevant either, BUT if I asked my partner a question and he flat out refused to answer it, I would wonder WTH is going on there.

Is there any chance it could be a bad memory for him, OP? Some men visit prostitutes for their "first time." Or, it could have been someone older and he feels this reflects badly on him?

A long-ago BF shared with me that his first time was with an older housemaid. She was also a child. He was very young too, maybe something like 9 or ten. I forget. But it made me aware that men can have awful experiences as well.

I don't see how knowing about a partner's first time makes any meaningful difference in the here-and-now, but I can of course see how it could be an interesting piece of someone's history. If it was a long term girlfriend, in college or high school, or a drunken ONS, or a surprise that happened (at camp or Spring Break)...I mean, whatever the circumstance, it does shed light on that person's early experience in some way.

I guess what I'm trying to say, OP, is that I get how weird it would be to have someone withhold this information (and I understand how in some way it could be interesting to know), but I am telling you that it does not matter in any way as far as your current relationship. I feel that I am a lot older than you, so for me, goodness, it's not a question I would even think to ask. It has no bearing on your lives now. That he won't answer is the issue, not the information itself.

Another hard relationship lesson: My partner is different from me! Coming to terms with this is a lifelong struggle. I would say how long I've been married, but it would make me even worse than the aforementioned fossil.

Think about why people are calling you troll. It's because, honey at root, this is a total non-starter. Adults don't care about this stuff. You've entered a new world now that you're sexually active. Recognize that this is the norm. Stay healthy and try to let go of the need to know.



But I'm not judgmental about anyone. I would hope he knows that about me by now. I work hard not to be because I was teased about so much stuff.
I think it would be easier if he told me he didn't want to talk about it. I might wonder why, but I could respect that he didn't want to talk about it.
When he says he doesn't remember I don't see how it's possible, but maybe that's because you say it's new to me, and in my mind I'll always remember. I'm starting to see how complicated sex is.


I don't remember my first time. I had a lot of partners in high school/college, and I don't remember the chronological order, or who I had sex with, vs. who I fooled around with. I am 33, just like your boyfriend, so it's entirely possible he doesn't remember.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 13:00     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I don't see it as relevant either, BUT if I asked my partner a question and he flat out refused to answer it, I would wonder WTH is going on there.

Is there any chance it could be a bad memory for him, OP? Some men visit prostitutes for their "first time." Or, it could have been someone older and he feels this reflects badly on him?

A long-ago BF shared with me that his first time was with an older housemaid. She was also a child. He was very young too, maybe something like 9 or ten. I forget. But it made me aware that men can have awful experiences as well.

I don't see how knowing about a partner's first time makes any meaningful difference in the here-and-now, but I can of course see how it could be an interesting piece of someone's history. If it was a long term girlfriend, in college or high school, or a drunken ONS, or a surprise that happened (at camp or Spring Break)...I mean, whatever the circumstance, it does shed light on that person's early experience in some way.

I guess what I'm trying to say, OP, is that I get how weird it would be to have someone withhold this information (and I understand how in some way it could be interesting to know), but I am telling you that it does not matter in any way as far as your current relationship. I feel that I am a lot older than you, so for me, goodness, it's not a question I would even think to ask. It has no bearing on your lives now. That he won't answer is the issue, not the information itself.

Think about why people are calling you troll. It's because, honey at root, this is a total non-starter. Adults don't care about this stuff. You've entered a new world now that you're sexually active. Recognize that this is the norm. Stay healthy and try to let go of the need to know.



But I'm not judgmental about anyone. I would hope he knows that about me by now. I work hard not to be because I was teased about so much stuff.
I think it would be easier if he told me he didn't want to talk about it. I might wonder why, but I could respect that he didn't want to talk about it.
When he says he doesn't remember I don't see how it's possible, but maybe that's because you say it's new to me, and in my mind I'll always remember. I'm starting to see how complicated sex is.


I don't remember my first time. I had a lot of partners in high school/college, and I don't remember the chronological order, or who I had sex with, vs. who I fooled around with. I am 33, just like your boyfriend, so it's entirely possible he doesn't remember.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:42     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
OP, if he told you she was his age at the time, her name was Susan and I they were high school sweethearts - what would your response be? Think about it - long and hard. Are you going to wonder if you can ever replace his "first"? Are you going to be jealous she had him before you? Are you going to be sad that you weren't his high school sweetheart? And why does this matter?
Others have said maybe it's a bad memory, or embarrassing, or whatever. It could be he loved her - and thought they would last forever... Maybe she was his "everything" for years... And it's bittersweet. He loves you now and wants to be with you now - and that's what matters most. Not her name, not how long they were together, not where his first time was.
Bringing up past loves is NOT the norm.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:33     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I can see that you're pretty tormented by this. You've opened yourself to BF in a way that you've never done with anyone before, and that's a huge deal.

Maybe your concern about his sexual history has at least something to do with anxiety you feel about being in this new place in life. You're closer to BF than you've ever been with anyone before, and as great as it is you have some unease with all the vulnerability it brings.

To me at least, it makes more sense to think about your own reactions to being in an intimate relationship, rather than focusing on BF's sexual history.

It's all new territory for you, and maybe you could even use a little help taking it all in. I think that's why you came to DCUM, but a therapist would serve you better.


+1.

Also, I was suddenly more curious about how other people lost their virginities right after I lost mine. And I cared a lot more about other people's proposals around the time I got engaged. And I was more curious about weddings when I was planning mine. So some curiosity is natural!


Thank you two for not being mean to me.
I don't think I'm explaining myself well. I don't want to judge him or anyone. I think the hard thing for me is that he won't give me a answer. I know he says he doesn't remember, but I don't see how that can be true. But maybe I don't understand because this all new to me.


I'm just learning about my DH's prom date and we've been married 10 years with two kids! I think part of it is that my DH knows that I am very curious and nosy (it's true) and he likes to feel like he has some things that are private and some air of mystery. To be honest, while I am mostly an open book, there are probably some things in the past I've kept private. Nothing like the pineapple reference that a PP made though.

To the OP, I think what posters are responding to is your insistence on why he won't answer and that it shouldn't be a big deal. The bottom line is no one owes you information unless it directly impacts you (like having sexually transmitted disease). It doesn't matter how innocent you think the question or that you are willing to answer the same. If someone seems reluctant to answer the question, you shouldn't keep pushing. When you keep pushing it shows that you don't respect boundaries or have trouble with social cues. It doesn't matter if it is your best friend, your mother, your boyfriend, your husband of 30 years, we all have something we may want to keep private, sometimes just to have something to ourselves, sometimes because a memory is painful, sometimes because we don't want to talk about something, sometimes it is worry about how it may change someone's perception of us, sometimes it is fear of opening a can of worms- maybe a combination of reasons. The answer isn't to have a counterpoint to every reason, "no I won't ask more questions, no it won't change my opinion of you" etc, the answer is to repect that the person doesn't want to talk about it with you in that moment and maybe not ever. And yes, I know you feel very vulnerable with this guy and maybe you feel like he hasn't been with you. If you feel like he has never made himself vulnerable to you or never shares/communicates his feelings to you then maybe this is a pattern and you have a bigger issue to worry about. If everything else has been going well, please enjoy having found such a great guy. Instead of of focusing on who his first is, as they say, hopefully you will be his last.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:32     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I don't see it as relevant either, BUT if I asked my partner a question and he flat out refused to answer it, I would wonder WTH is going on there.

Is there any chance it could be a bad memory for him, OP? Some men visit prostitutes for their "first time." Or, it could have been someone older and he feels this reflects badly on him?

A long-ago BF shared with me that his first time was with an older housemaid. She was also a child. He was very young too, maybe something like 9 or ten. I forget. But it made me aware that men can have awful experiences as well.

I don't see how knowing about a partner's first time makes any meaningful difference in the here-and-now, but I can of course see how it could be an interesting piece of someone's history. If it was a long term girlfriend, in college or high school, or a drunken ONS, or a surprise that happened (at camp or Spring Break)...I mean, whatever the circumstance, it does shed light on that person's early experience in some way.

I guess what I'm trying to say, OP, is that I get how weird it would be to have someone withhold this information (and I understand how in some way it could be interesting to know), but I am telling you that it does not matter in any way as far as your current relationship. I feel that I am a lot older than you, so for me, goodness, it's not a question I would even think to ask. It has no bearing on your lives now. That he won't answer is the issue, not the information itself.

Think about why people are calling you troll. It's because, honey at root, this is a total non-starter. Adults don't care about this stuff. You've entered a new world now that you're sexually active. Recognize that this is the norm. Stay healthy and try to let go of the need to know.



But I'm not judgmental about anyone. I would hope he knows that about me by now. I work hard not to be because I was teased about so much stuff.
I think it would be easier if he told me he didn't want to talk about it. I might wonder why, but I could respect that he didn't want to talk about it.
When he says he doesn't remember I don't see how it's possible, but maybe that's because you say it's new to me, and in my mind I'll always remember. I'm starting to see how complicated sex is.


Sex is not complicated. Your making it complicated.
You waited a long time to have sex. Not the norm. Your bf like many guys
Has probably banged a ton of girls. Every input, every color of the rainbow.
I would want to tell my wife about all the crazy stuff I did in
College either.

You best find some one more your speed.

Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:28     Subject: Re:Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Yeah he could've been sloppy and premature ejaculated or something and was traumatized by embarrassment.

I do agree that knowing this info won't be enough and you'll just keep asking for more. SSeeing a therapist might help you understand how to ask/what exactly it is you want from him. Seems to me you may be insecure which is ok but helpful to acknowledge. To him to so he can help you feel secure. I know you're young but learning about attachments might help. Maybe you are anxious and he's avoidant.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:27     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
I don't actually know how my DH lost his virginity, and we've been married for 17 years. I just don't care. If he wanted to share it, he would.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:14     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My bf has not told be about losing his virginity.
He was my first so he knows all my history.
I know he was not a monk prior to our relationship. I'm not asking for numbers or details on specific acts, and he still won't tell me.
This bothers me, and I'm probably making a bigger deal of it than I need to, but I still feel like this is something he should tell me given our situation.


OP, his stats --numbers and specific acts-- matter more for your health than how he lost his virginity. I think you are very young and don't know much about protecting yourself or having important conversations about sexual history with a partner. When I was younger there was a site called GoAskAlice that provided a lot of reliable info and solid advice.


Thanks, fossil.


It still exists, although I'd never heard of it:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/

Better ask Dan Savage, who's really in touch with issues of love and sex (and my go to guide):
http://www.savagelovecast.com/

signed,
A DW for 20+ who had not nearly as many partners as DH when we met

P.S.: eventually DH told me about many of his partners but initially didn't want to reminisce; he just gave me a number, so give bf time to open up as trust/commitment grows!




I totally LOL'd at being a fossil at 43. I guess DCUM really is trending young over the Winter Break.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:09     Subject: Re:Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You asked, so I'll join the others and say no, it's not fair.

What happened before you doesn't belong to you and should have no bearing on your relationship. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that he doesn't want to share it and he doesn't have to. What you do with his choice is up to you.

Your complaint about the answers you got here is a pretty good indication that wouldn't react well to an answer you don't like.


I'm only annoyed with people who have decided to bully me and call me names instead of answering my question. I have the right to defend myself.


No one has bullied you or called you names.

Your behavior has been called immature. That's it. It's also truth.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:08     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Another thought, OP - In an intimate relationship there are all sorts of conversations that don't happen all at once, but unfold over time as the relationship expands and deepens.

But for that to happen you have to be willing to allow your partner some space, and trust that he'll use it to grow. If you pressure him and try to force the issue, you'll push him away.

This is what "courtship" - sorry for the outdated term - is for. Getting to know someone over time. Do things go in a deepening/widening way, or does it just get stuck somewhere? It's impossible to know these things quickly.
Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:07     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I can see that you're pretty tormented by this. You've opened yourself to BF in a way that you've never done with anyone before, and that's a huge deal.

Maybe your concern about his sexual history has at least something to do with anxiety you feel about being in this new place in life. You're closer to BF than you've ever been with anyone before, and as great as it is you have some unease with all the vulnerability it brings.

To me at least, it makes more sense to think about your own reactions to being in an intimate relationship, rather than focusing on BF's sexual history.

It's all new territory for you, and maybe you could even use a little help taking it all in. I think that's why you came to DCUM, but a therapist would serve you better.


+1.

Also, I was suddenly more curious about how other people lost their virginities right after I lost mine. And I cared a lot more about other people's proposals around the time I got engaged. And I was more curious about weddings when I was planning mine. So some curiosity is natural!


Thank you two for not being mean to me.
I don't think I'm explaining myself well. I don't want to judge him or anyone. I think the hard thing for me is that he won't give me a answer.
I know he says he doesn't remember,
but I don't see how that can be true. But maybe I don't understand because this all new to me.


That explains everything. The first time doesn't have as much or the same kind meaning for everyone. It's perfectly plausible that he doesn't remember or just doesn't want to. My first time is certainly not something I like to recall, let alone discuss, and doing so would really taint whatever thing I'm trying to preserve with the person I'm with right now.

Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 12:02     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My bf has not told be about losing his virginity.
He was my first so he knows all my history.
I know he was not a monk prior to our relationship. I'm not asking for numbers or details on specific acts, and he still won't tell me.
This bothers me, and I'm probably making a bigger deal of it than I need to, but I still feel like this is something he should tell me given our situation.


OP, his stats --numbers and specific acts-- matter more for your health than how he lost his virginity. I think you are very young and don't know much about protecting yourself or having important conversations about sexual history with a partner. When I was younger there was a site called GoAskAlice that provided a lot of reliable info and solid advice.


Thanks, fossil.


It still exists, although I'd never heard of it:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/

Better ask Dan Savage, who's really in touch with issues of love and sex (and my go to guide):
http://www.savagelovecast.com/

signed,
A DW for 20+ who had not nearly as many partners as DH when we met

P.S.: eventually DH told me about many of his partners but initially didn't want to reminisce; he just gave me a number, so give bf time to open up as trust/commitment grows!


Anonymous
Post 12/27/2015 11:59     Subject: Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?
Haven't read the whole thread but I don't understand why some pps are giving OP such a hard time. I would find it odd that my boyfriend was vague about his first time, if I had asked him directly about it. It would make me wonder whether he was withholding things from his past that I ought to know about.