Anonymous
12/04/2015 15:24
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
I wish! We have to give my parents some of our money for them to stay afloat. But, I can take pride that DH and I are completely self-made unlike you moochers.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 15:17
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
My parents will give me money or stuff whether I ask for it or not. My dad once bought me 4 brand new tires for my car and anytime I visit he'll give me $200 or $300 for no reason. When I was pregnant my mom paid for me to have weekly cleaning service. They bought us a new dining room set and a refrigerator. My mom also just bought my daughter a new bedroom set. She goes way overboard with buying them clothes and toys also. We never ask but they always insist. I think they feel sad that we live so far away so they are always trying to give us money and pay for everything.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 15:16
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed that so many people's parents give money with out strings attached. So, if they are paying for your kids tuition, do they not suggest or offer any input on which school kids attend or anything like that?
Most parents aren't just giving un-earnmarked money. They're giving it for a specific purpose, ie - tuition, down payment, extra cash for a nice anniversary dinner, piano lessons, etc.
So, in that sense, it's like an earmarked contribution rather than general budgetary support. One could argue that exercises some amount of control, but on the other hand, I see it more as an endorsement of decisions we already agree on. My parents offered to covered the fees for an activity they think is worthwhile - they don't need to exert control or influence over me to get me to do it, as I already want to and they're just trying to make it an even easier decision for me by covering the cost. Conversely, they don't feel entitled to having an opinion about how we organize our overall finances as they aren't contributing to our general budget. They have in the past offered generous gifts that we've turned down simply because they were things we didn't want or need. There were no hard feelings.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 14:54
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
Anonymous wrote:If your parents have more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime they should set up a scholarship fund for kids who don't have all the opportunities that, presumably, their grandchildren have had.
Sending my kid to medical school will help more people than I will ever know and I'm truly grateful (pediatric neurosurgeon specialty)
Anonymous
12/04/2015 14:46
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 40's. No, I would never accept financial help from my family. I can support myself. I honestly can't fathom and have SO little respect for the posters above who are adults and who have their parents subsidizing their lifestyles. Gross.
+1
ITA. DH and I have friends with wealthy ILs. It seems that the wife has been heard saying (more than once) she can't wait for the ILs to pass away (in order to collect money; which she assumes is coming her way). This attitude makes me sick. What if someone felt that way about me or DH? They would not see one penny of our money if that were the case, that is for damn sure. Someone literally waiting for you to die? Jesus.
I also find it difficult to respect grown adults who can not support their lifestyle that *they* created, PP - too much entitlement involved here, to say the least.
You and the others poo-pooing accepting financial support keep talking about lifestyle maintenance. It's rarely that. Sure, if they give you a monthly allowance to upgrade your lifestyle, but most of us are describing one-off gifts. The one area for exception is education - paying for college, grad school, or the kids'private education. Education is highly valued in my family. My parents aren't paying for the kid's private school tuition, but they've offered to pay for other enrichment classes that we certainly could afford to cover ourselves but my parents like to give practical gifts and we all like to avoid the accumulation of stuff. So there isn't a plethora of toys at Christmas, but there's a certificate to piano lessons for the year. Is that a life style upgrade or just a lifestyle preference? Less stuff, more experiences.
Ah, anyway - my dad paid for his sister's family's groceries for years. Thankfully he hasn't needed to do that for his own children, but if he did, of course we'd accept while eagerly looking to resolve our current crises.
+1 My parents put money into an education fund for all of their grandkids for their birthdays and Christmas. They see how many toys the kids have so they just get them something small and the difference goes into the account. They always offer to pay for plane tickets for us since we live across the country. I don't accept it, but if that was the only way we could see them and the rest of our family (since most still live in my hometown) I would take them up on it. My parents really enjoy being able to help me and my siblings out now while they are alive. This is something they say all the time. It's really not about maintaining a certain lifestyle; at least in my case.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 14:20
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
My parents paid for undergrad and they let me live in their house for 4 years after I graduated undergrad so I could save money.
Over the years they have paid for some one-off things for the grandkids, maybe about $5000 total, and my kids are teenagers.
I always say that the reason my mom was so insistent that I went into a well-paying field was because she knew she wasn't going to be supplementing me for the rest of my life.
Over the years they have paid for some one-off things for the grandkids, maybe about $5000 total, and my kids are teenagers.
I always say that the reason my mom was so insistent that I went into a well-paying field was because she knew she wasn't going to be supplementing me for the rest of my life.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 12:53
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 40's. No, I would never accept financial help from my family. I can support myself. I honestly can't fathom and have SO little respect for the posters above who are adults and who have their parents subsidizing their lifestyles. Gross.
+1
ITA. DH and I have friends with wealthy ILs. It seems that the wife has been heard saying (more than once) she can't wait for the ILs to pass away (in order to collect money; which she assumes is coming her way). This attitude makes me sick. What if someone felt that way about me or DH? They would not see one penny of our money if that were the case, that is for damn sure. Someone literally waiting for you to die? Jesus.
I also find it difficult to respect grown adults who can not support their lifestyle that *they* created, PP - too much entitlement involved here, to say the least.
You and the others poo-pooing accepting financial support keep talking about lifestyle maintenance. It's rarely that. Sure, if they give you a monthly allowance to upgrade your lifestyle, but most of us are describing one-off gifts. The one area for exception is education - paying for college, grad school, or the kids'private education. Education is highly valued in my family. My parents aren't paying for the kid's private school tuition, but they've offered to pay for other enrichment classes that we certainly could afford to cover ourselves but my parents like to give practical gifts and we all like to avoid the accumulation of stuff. So there isn't a plethora of toys at Christmas, but there's a certificate to piano lessons for the year. Is that a life style upgrade or just a lifestyle preference? Less stuff, more experiences.
Ah, anyway - my dad paid for his sister's family's groceries for years. Thankfully he hasn't needed to do that for his own children, but if he did, of course we'd accept while eagerly looking to resolve our current crises.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 12:44
Subject: Re:Do you accept financial help from your family?
I would if I needed it. My family is very supportive and all the siblings help each other out. Knock on wood!
Anonymous
12/04/2015 12:28
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 40's. No, I would never accept financial help from my family. I can support myself. I honestly can't fathom and have SO little respect for the posters above who are adults and who have their parents subsidizing their lifestyles. Gross.
+1
ITA. DH and I have friends with wealthy ILs. It seems that the wife has been heard saying (more than once) she can't wait for the ILs to pass away (in order to collect money; which she assumes is coming her way). This attitude makes me sick. What if someone felt that way about me or DH? They would not see one penny of our money if that were the case, that is for damn sure. Someone literally waiting for you to die? Jesus.
I also find it difficult to respect grown adults who can not support their lifestyle that *they* created, PP - too much entitlement involved here, to say the least.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 12:02
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
Anonymous wrote:This is a bone of contention in our family. My parents can afford to be and have been generous -- but I am the only sibling that doesn't take advantage of that generosity.
My mom pays for a housecleaner for us twice a month. We could afford to pay for it ourselves but my DH thinks it's a stupid expenditure. If we didn't have a housecleaner, our house would be dirtier and we would fight more. My mom started paying for this when I complained to her that I was trying to get enough writing done to get tenure at my university, and my husband was complaining that the house was dirty. In other words, you might argue that my mom's gift enables me to stay in a bad marriage.
She also gives me some money monthly while allows me to buy the stuff that otherwise DH and I would fight about. The kids want Northface and my husband wants Walmart brand fleeces and I use mom's money to make up the difference.
On the other hand, my parents bought my sister a house since she divorced her deadbeat husband and otherwise would't have been able to aford one.
They pay for some expensive private school for my brother's kids but refused to pay for private school for my kids because they're only willing to pay if it's a Catholic school and we're not Catholic.
When we go to visit them, we drive but my sibs will only come if my parents buy them plane tickets.
You could argue that my parents are help subsidize my sibling's lifestyle but not mine, but you could also argue that enabling my contentious marriage is perhaps worse.
Dunno. I'm sure you guys all have opinions . .
Uh, you do benefit from their generosity and they do help subsidize your lifestyle, even if it isn't to the degree that your siblings do.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 11:18
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
Yes. They are deceased and left us their money. They helped while alive too. No strings and lived 3000 miles away.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 10:38
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
No, my husband is well aware of the situation. He has no problem with them paying for these things. He just doesn't agree that they need to part of our budget. He's kind of like 'well either they help us or they help your less deserving siblings so it might as well be us.'
I wouldn't divorce my husband because he won't pay for a house cleaner. Break up a whole family over that? That's insane!
I think the point is that often getting this sort of help can end up feeling divisive -- situations where parents buy or help pay for the house, but then think of it as the husband's house rather than the wife's house, or pay for a vacation but the husband picks the destination, etc. It's kind of like having three people in the marriage. And usually there's nothing secretive about it -- both partners are aware that there are these things going on, but then they have to work out how they feel about it.
I wouldn't divorce my husband because he won't pay for a house cleaner. Break up a whole family over that? That's insane!
I think the point is that often getting this sort of help can end up feeling divisive -- situations where parents buy or help pay for the house, but then think of it as the husband's house rather than the wife's house, or pay for a vacation but the husband picks the destination, etc. It's kind of like having three people in the marriage. And usually there's nothing secretive about it -- both partners are aware that there are these things going on, but then they have to work out how they feel about it.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 09:54
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
Anonymous wrote:This is a bone of contention in our family. My parents can afford to be and have been generous -- but I am the only sibling that doesn't take advantage of that generosity.
My mom pays for a housecleaner for us twice a month. We could afford to pay for it ourselves but my DH thinks it's a stupid expenditure. If we didn't have a housecleaner, our house would be dirtier and we would fight more. My mom started paying for this when I complained to her that I was trying to get enough writing done to get tenure at my university, and my husband was complaining that the house was dirty. In other words, you might argue that my mom's gift enables me to stay in a bad marriage.
She also gives me some money monthly while allows me to buy the stuff that otherwise DH and I would fight about. The kids want Northface and my husband wants Walmart brand fleeces and I use mom's money to make up the difference.
On the other hand, my parents bought my sister a house since she divorced her deadbeat husband and otherwise would't have been able to aford one.
They pay for some expensive private school for my brother's kids but refused to pay for private school for my kids because they're only willing to pay if it's a Catholic school and we're not Catholic.
When we go to visit them, we drive but my sibs will only come if my parents buy them plane tickets.
You could argue that my parents are help subsidize my sibling's lifestyle but not mine, but you could also argue that enabling my contentious marriage is perhaps worse.
Dunno. I'm sure you guys all have opinions . .
Does your husband know your parents are paying for your housecleaner and your allowance? This wins most codependent and adult child post of the thread. I honestly feel sorry for you. Why don't you divorce your husband and let your parents buy you a house, find Jesus and let your parents send you to Catholic school, and live off of your alimony from your husband? Continue to allow your Mommy to pay for your housecleaner since you don't like cleaning? Then you truly never have to grow up?
I'm sorry, I know that that isn't a very kind post of mine, but you are getting treated like a child yet still feel like you aren't getting "enough" from your parents OR your husband? Yikes.
Anonymous
12/04/2015 09:07
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed that so many people's parents give money with out strings attached. So, if they are paying for your kids tuition, do they not suggest or offer any input on which school kids attend or anything like that?
No hate here, but when parents give you money, there are always strings attached. The string is that they get to keep their control over you AND your kids. Most of the people posting here about "no strings" don't even know that they're being controlled because it's always been that way.
That's a pretty big brush you're painting with. I posted earlier about my husband's parents being generous with us and it absolutely comes with no strings attached. They don't interfere with our personal decision making, don't offer their opinions about our parenting or lifestyle choices unless asked, and are overall kind, lovely, reasonable people. They have no clue what has or has not happened with the trusts they have created for their children, including my husband (ours is largely untouched).
Anonymous
12/04/2015 08:57
Subject: Do you accept financial help from your family?
This is a bone of contention in our family. My parents can afford to be and have been generous -- but I am the only sibling that doesn't take advantage of that generosity.
My mom pays for a housecleaner for us twice a month. We could afford to pay for it ourselves but my DH thinks it's a stupid expenditure. If we didn't have a housecleaner, our house would be dirtier and we would fight more. My mom started paying for this when I complained to her that I was trying to get enough writing done to get tenure at my university, and my husband was complaining that the house was dirty. In other words, you might argue that my mom's gift enables me to stay in a bad marriage.
She also gives me some money monthly while allows me to buy the stuff that otherwise DH and I would fight about. The kids want Northface and my husband wants Walmart brand fleeces and I use mom's money to make up the difference.
On the other hand, my parents bought my sister a house since she divorced her deadbeat husband and otherwise would't have been able to aford one.
They pay for some expensive private school for my brother's kids but refused to pay for private school for my kids because they're only willing to pay if it's a Catholic school and we're not Catholic.
When we go to visit them, we drive but my sibs will only come if my parents buy them plane tickets.
You could argue that my parents are help subsidize my sibling's lifestyle but not mine, but you could also argue that enabling my contentious marriage is perhaps worse.
Dunno. I'm sure you guys all have opinions . .
My mom pays for a housecleaner for us twice a month. We could afford to pay for it ourselves but my DH thinks it's a stupid expenditure. If we didn't have a housecleaner, our house would be dirtier and we would fight more. My mom started paying for this when I complained to her that I was trying to get enough writing done to get tenure at my university, and my husband was complaining that the house was dirty. In other words, you might argue that my mom's gift enables me to stay in a bad marriage.
She also gives me some money monthly while allows me to buy the stuff that otherwise DH and I would fight about. The kids want Northface and my husband wants Walmart brand fleeces and I use mom's money to make up the difference.
On the other hand, my parents bought my sister a house since she divorced her deadbeat husband and otherwise would't have been able to aford one.
They pay for some expensive private school for my brother's kids but refused to pay for private school for my kids because they're only willing to pay if it's a Catholic school and we're not Catholic.
When we go to visit them, we drive but my sibs will only come if my parents buy them plane tickets.
You could argue that my parents are help subsidize my sibling's lifestyle but not mine, but you could also argue that enabling my contentious marriage is perhaps worse.
Dunno. I'm sure you guys all have opinions . .