Anonymous
12/02/2015 10:01
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Take him shopping. Find clothes that he feels good in and will want to wear. Do you think you are sending non. verbal cues to him that yiu are embarrassed - so he is trying too hard and not relaxing? When my husband met my closest friends the first time he got really anxious and talked faster than usual, etc. With time that passed. Also, I am guessing you are much more aware of these externals than the others there.
The problem isn't HIS... it is HERS... this is all about "lets change him"
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:51
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He's going to be 33 next month I wish he'd care a little more. We're trying to start a family, and social connections will matter even more.
Oh God, please don't start a family with him if you feel this way. What matters most with a family is love and acceptance, and you are lacking.
I never said I didn't love him. I'm fond of him. I disagree that love is what matters most, yes it's great, but in today's world children need every advantage they can get and it's no secret social networking helps.
Ok, troll. You went too far. Thread over.
+1
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:50
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
OP, your priorities are completely off. I will try to be very constructive, though, because you say you're committed to this marriage.
1. If your husband seems awkward around friends, your concern should be how to make him not feel that way - not what your friends think. Also, your opinion that he shouldn't have felt awkward because he knew these people doesn't mean a thing. "Should" doesn't matter here. "Does" is the only relevant thing. If you truly want to help him, maybe try talking to him about WHY he felt awkward or what you can do to help him feel less awkward. I am married to someone who often feels awkward in social situations (even with people we know), and I know that he relies on me for social support in those situations. He doesn't read social cues well, and I have learned how to clue him in to when he's monopolizing the conversation, steer him towards topics that are of interest to everyone, etc. Your problem is that you're not overly concerned with how HE is experiencing these situations - you only care about yourself and the opinions of your friends. Change that, because it's not a good quality.
2. The wardrobe is a fixable issue, if you're willing to discuss with him respectfully. You keep trying. You get rid of everything that's schlubby. Get stuff that works with everything. I do this with my 5 year old, and my husband uses a similar strategy. All his pants are black or dark gray. All his shirts complement the pants well. They are all cut for the shape he is rather than the shape he/I believe he should be. He buys two packages of identical black socks, so there are never mismatched sock issues. He owns 2 pairs of shoes: one pair of black Puma-type casual shoes, and one pair black dress shoes. He owns 1 dark gray suit, 3 suit shirts, and 3 ties, each of which will work with any of the shirts. In the summer, he has several pairs of shorts (I think they're gray cargo shorts but I could be wrong) and a variety of ironic dad t-shirts. It is basically a capsule wardrobe, and the way I framed it to him when we started this two years ago was that this plan would take the stress out of dressing. He would not have to worry about looking silly or feeling uncomfortable in his clothing.
3. You are correct that COMMUNITY is important for families, but you are thinking about it wrong. It is not the social connections that your children will thrive under, but the social support that will enrich their lives. It's possible that social connections will also be helpful, but that should not be the main focus. It makes you seem like a desperate striver, and if that's not who you are and how you want to come off, focus on building genuine relationships with people you admire and enjoy spending time with.
4. Most importantly for your children, however, is the home they grow up in. Your husband knows you're ashamed of him. Your children will pick up on it too. There are no social connections in the world that can replace a loving supportive relationship between parents. You need to work on creating that kind of relationship before you have a child. Start now, today.
Good luck. You'll need it.
1. If your husband seems awkward around friends, your concern should be how to make him not feel that way - not what your friends think. Also, your opinion that he shouldn't have felt awkward because he knew these people doesn't mean a thing. "Should" doesn't matter here. "Does" is the only relevant thing. If you truly want to help him, maybe try talking to him about WHY he felt awkward or what you can do to help him feel less awkward. I am married to someone who often feels awkward in social situations (even with people we know), and I know that he relies on me for social support in those situations. He doesn't read social cues well, and I have learned how to clue him in to when he's monopolizing the conversation, steer him towards topics that are of interest to everyone, etc. Your problem is that you're not overly concerned with how HE is experiencing these situations - you only care about yourself and the opinions of your friends. Change that, because it's not a good quality.
2. The wardrobe is a fixable issue, if you're willing to discuss with him respectfully. You keep trying. You get rid of everything that's schlubby. Get stuff that works with everything. I do this with my 5 year old, and my husband uses a similar strategy. All his pants are black or dark gray. All his shirts complement the pants well. They are all cut for the shape he is rather than the shape he/I believe he should be. He buys two packages of identical black socks, so there are never mismatched sock issues. He owns 2 pairs of shoes: one pair of black Puma-type casual shoes, and one pair black dress shoes. He owns 1 dark gray suit, 3 suit shirts, and 3 ties, each of which will work with any of the shirts. In the summer, he has several pairs of shorts (I think they're gray cargo shorts but I could be wrong) and a variety of ironic dad t-shirts. It is basically a capsule wardrobe, and the way I framed it to him when we started this two years ago was that this plan would take the stress out of dressing. He would not have to worry about looking silly or feeling uncomfortable in his clothing.
3. You are correct that COMMUNITY is important for families, but you are thinking about it wrong. It is not the social connections that your children will thrive under, but the social support that will enrich their lives. It's possible that social connections will also be helpful, but that should not be the main focus. It makes you seem like a desperate striver, and if that's not who you are and how you want to come off, focus on building genuine relationships with people you admire and enjoy spending time with.
4. Most importantly for your children, however, is the home they grow up in. Your husband knows you're ashamed of him. Your children will pick up on it too. There are no social connections in the world that can replace a loving supportive relationship between parents. You need to work on creating that kind of relationship before you have a child. Start now, today.
Good luck. You'll need it.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:37
Subject: Re:I'm ashamed of my husband.
My husband is terrible with small talk, unable to graciously end conversations, prone to awkward silences, sometimes just says the wrong stuff and I cringe at the idea of letting him talk to some of my friends and colleagues without me around. But then I realize that shit is all my hang ups and issues. He's not me. He's a separate person that I fell in love with (flaws and all) and when my heart's beating fast as I approach an 'unsupervised' conversation, he's always doing great! People love him! They say what a great listener he is and caring and sweet. They're right. I'm just neurotic sometimes.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:36
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
I can't believe people dress their husbands!! I thought that was just wives in the 1960s and 20-something-year-olds in new relationships.
It's sad that you don't respect him. I couldn't care less what my DH wears or even what he says in a group ... I respect him and see him as an individual with his own thoughts and style (or lack thereof). I think it is probably very hard to build back respect when you've lost it that badly.
It's sad that you don't respect him. I couldn't care less what my DH wears or even what he says in a group ... I respect him and see him as an individual with his own thoughts and style (or lack thereof). I think it is probably very hard to build back respect when you've lost it that badly.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:35
Subject: Re:I'm ashamed of my husband.
So I stopped reading after OP said they married young and don't have kids.
Leave him, immediately. Do not pass go. It doesn't matter if you are shallow or justified. Marriages can survive a lot of things, but being repulsed by your spouse, not respecting them, being annoyed by their mannerisms, any one of these are poison. All three? You guys are dunzo.
Go find someone you are actually matched with. Let your husband do the same.
Leave him, immediately. Do not pass go. It doesn't matter if you are shallow or justified. Marriages can survive a lot of things, but being repulsed by your spouse, not respecting them, being annoyed by their mannerisms, any one of these are poison. All three? You guys are dunzo.
Go find someone you are actually matched with. Let your husband do the same.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:32
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
You have no kids and clearly indicate contempt for your DH. Please end it now.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:32
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP - I think your feelings are valid.
That's just it. They're not. Please don't suggest otherwise.
Yes, they are. Feelings are not valid or invalid - they just are. Do you tell your kids they aren't upset when in fact they are clearly upset?
Yes. That is what the millennials keep telling us. Sometimes it is best just to keep your feelings to yourself.
Constant venting might make you feel a little better but it likely makes everyone else around you feel a lot worse.
I'd like to think we don't have to choose between "always venting/complaining" and "stiff upper lip" Downton Abbey/Upstairs Downstairs style, do we? But if we do, I'd rather do the latter.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:29
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Take him shopping. Find clothes that he feels good in and will want to wear. Do you think you are sending non. verbal cues to him that yiu are embarrassed - so he is trying too hard and not relaxing? When my husband met my closest friends the first time he got really anxious and talked faster than usual, etc. With time that passed. Also, I am guessing you are much more aware of these externals than the others there.
My wife buys all my clothes. I have veto power, but she has definitely given me a style.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:17
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
Nicely presented viewpoint of a narcissist, OP. People only exist as reflections of you because you feel empty and worthless deep down, so of course it enrages you if they don't reflect you well. Please don't have kids.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:02
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
You sound like my SIL (DH's sister). She is endlessly embarrassed by my DH because he isn't as put together as she would like. She is incredibly vain and looking good is her top priority. She looks great! And is an incredibly difficult person to be around because she is so self absorbed.
She used to try to give me tips about how to spruce up my DH. Sometimes she wasn't far off, I did encourage him to think a bit more about his wardrobe. But honestly, he's FINE. He's charming and funny and loving and kind and smart and a top notch partner and father. Those things matter much more to me than whether or not his face is "too shiny". We are well matched and that's what matters most to ME. That doesn't matter to her though, because we don't look perfect.
I feel bad for her. She lives a lonely life. But she looks perfect in all her Facebook selfies!
OP, you sound disgusted by your DH. This will only get worse as you both get older and he starts caring even less than he does now. Leave him and find someone better suited for you. This will never work out. Never. You can not have a fulfilling relationship with someone you are this critical of. There is a woman out there who would find all this endlessly charming. Let him go find her.
She used to try to give me tips about how to spruce up my DH. Sometimes she wasn't far off, I did encourage him to think a bit more about his wardrobe. But honestly, he's FINE. He's charming and funny and loving and kind and smart and a top notch partner and father. Those things matter much more to me than whether or not his face is "too shiny". We are well matched and that's what matters most to ME. That doesn't matter to her though, because we don't look perfect.
I feel bad for her. She lives a lonely life. But she looks perfect in all her Facebook selfies!
OP, you sound disgusted by your DH. This will only get worse as you both get older and he starts caring even less than he does now. Leave him and find someone better suited for you. This will never work out. Never. You can not have a fulfilling relationship with someone you are this critical of. There is a woman out there who would find all this endlessly charming. Let him go find her.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 09:00
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
So OP is clearly a troll but if she wasn't, a lot of her feelings are understandable. Your spouse is a reflection of you and when he's always awkward I can understand being embarrassed by that. Of course if the awkwardness was around from the beginning the question would come down to why didn't you choose and marry someone "better"?
Anonymous
12/02/2015 08:59
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
I mean this to be helpful and don't have time to find the nicer version.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1tCAXVsClw
Anonymous
12/02/2015 08:53
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP - I think your feelings are valid.
That's just it. They're not. Please don't suggest otherwise.
Yes, they are. Feelings are not valid or invalid - they just are. Do you tell your kids they aren't upset when in fact they are clearly upset?
Yes. That is what the millennials keep telling us. Sometimes it is best just to keep your feelings to yourself.
Sure, its is best if I don't tell my husband that I fucking hate him right now because of the stains on his tie, but the feelings themselves are still valid. Maybe indicative of other problems in my life, but I can't deny the momentary anger/hate/rage that boils up in me when I see his wrinkled pants.
time to lawyer up
Anonymous
12/02/2015 08:53
Subject: I'm ashamed of my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP - I think your feelings are valid.
That's just it. They're not. Please don't suggest otherwise.
Yes, they are. Feelings are not valid or invalid - they just are. Do you tell your kids they aren't upset when in fact they are clearly upset?
Yes. That is what the millennials keep telling us. Sometimes it is best just to keep your feelings to yourself.
Sure, its is best if I don't tell my husband that I fucking hate him right now because of the stains on his tie, but the feelings themselves are still valid. Maybe indicative of other problems in my life, but I can't deny the momentary anger/hate/rage that boils up in me when I see his wrinkled pants.