OP, I felt the exact same way when my kids were your age. I couldn't figure out how two smart people with all those degrees had produced such average kids. I also thought that since i was home it was my job to make my kids smart and competitive. I suspect that that's what you're doing -- You say "I have always excelled in everything I have done." The problem is that little kids (and big kids) aren't projects, they're people.

I also recall thinking that my staying home was a waste of time if all I was going to be doing was producing average kids. I couldn't get past the notion that I was staying home to work on a project, a project which I could control.

Ultimately, I went back to work and wrote several books and got tenure as a professor, and this was great because it allowed me to distinguish between my work, which was my project, and my family, which was not my project, but a really important part of my life.

Here's what nobody's going to tell you:
1. It's okay to take some time to mourn the fantasy child you had in your head. THe one that was going to be composing amusing little stories in French when he was four, that wasn't going to throw the Suzuki violin at the wall and break it, that was going to be blonde and have an English accent. (I have no idea where my fantasy child came from!)

2. Don't do stuff with your kids that you actually hate because you think you have to as their mom. YOu're not actually legally required to watch Barney, to learn all the lyrics to Frozen, to develop a keen interest in little kid soccer. Find some things you actually ENJOY to do with our four year old -- not counting to 20, but going for walks in the woods, or taking an art class, or whatever works for you.

3. Stop comparing your kids to other people's kids. A lot of these other moms are lying anyway.
Develop some stock phrases for when other parents brag about their kids. "OH, how marvelous for you."

You don't need to decide now what you're going to do with the rest of your life. DOn't feel guilty if you're not good at SAHM'ing. I was terrible at it and my kids love me anyway. I might not have made dinner every night but I took them along on some pretty cool research trips.

I am not being unsympathetic in the least, I totally understand how easy it is to stress about all of our children's characteristics. But, as both a mom and a developmental psychologist, your kids sound totally normal. 4 year olds do not need tutors. 4 year olds with developmental delays do need intervention, but nothing you are saying suggests developmental delay to me. Counting to 20 is a very discrete task. Maybe focus on something else for awhile - instead of saying number words - which is really what you are referring to. Try more counting of objects. Ask your child to tell you how many of X you have? Count while doing fun actions like jumping and clapping. It's entirely possible your son is just not as motivated to learn the number words up to 20. That doesn't really mean anything long term. Kids learn by what they find fun and motivating. I would suggest you channel your energies into the things he's excited about. If it's dinosaurs - spend lots of time learning about dinosaurs. At this age, as long as his milestones are within typical ranges (and there are big ranges), then the focus should really just be on enjoying learning. If he learns now that learning is all about performance it will definitely affect him negatively once he's in formal school. Plus, you don't know how well you and your husband counted and read at these ages...nothing at 4 precludes an ivy league education should you (and your son!) want that someday.

In the meantime, I agree it sounds like you are under a lot of stress. This is totally normal - especially if DH is away and you are the primary caregiver. I encourage you to get help managing your own stress, whether that is finding a way for you to get time for yourself, or therapy, or anything else. A happy mom makes happy children!

Op, I say this from a place of kindness. You sound exactly like my mom growing up. It really screwed me up for a good chunk of my life. Now, at 29 and after years of therapy, I'm in a good place. My mom now regrets how she acted for a good portion of my childhood because now she sees it did more harm than good. I love my mom. She was a wonderful mom. She was just misguided and had an anxiety disorder. She freely admits now (after years of therapy herself) she was trying to parent a kid exactly like her when I wasn't her.
Please get some therapy. Not just for your kids' sake but for your own mental health. It saddens me that my mom gets down because she think she messed me up.

I hope things get better for you and your kids. I'd be happy to provide details and examples if you want.

Anonymous wrote:You should let your child watch tons of Umizoomi episodes on TV. Problem solved.

Until you get to the episode where they teach you that a hexagon has seven sides. SERIOUSLY.

Choo-choo Soul's counting song goes all the way up to twenty and would be a great memorization tool.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you may also want to consider sitting down with a therapist to talk through some of these thoughts. As others have said, your anxiety can feed onto your kids. I have struggled with this as well and have found that professional help is very helpful. (And yes, like many others here - I'm another high performing Ivy Leaguer with kids now - they don't teach us this stuff in our fancy pants schools!). It's not the cheapest solution in the world, but you seem to have the income to easily afford this. And I guess I'd argue that putting your health (including mental health) first will be better for your kids in the long run. Good luck.

DH is in a different time zone. I woke him up and spoke to him for the past hour. DH had a few funny airport stories and made me laugh. This thread has also made me feel better. One of my closest friends is getting divorced after miscarrying earlier this year. I have listened to her cry. Also just found out another friend has stage 4 cancer. My attention has shifted from being hyper focused on my child's inability to count to 20. He put out a bunch of toys this morning and we counted the toys together. He got 13 and 14 mixed up but that is ok. I will take that for now.

I cannot believe you quit your job because your 4 year old cannot read books or count to 20. that is nuts. I think your overbearingness will have a greater negative impact than the inability to count to 20 until 5. think big picture, long-range goals here for development. frankly, the easiest way to learn counting is sesame street. My DD was counting to 20 at 2 years old. but quit watching sesame street, and and now at 4 years old, I don't think she can count past the low teens. maybe. go back to work, turn on lots of sesame street, problem solved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nets 13,14, 15 are hard to pronounce and usual stopping point in counting.

OP here. 4yo has trouble with 11-14. He knows up to 10.

I feel better this morning. DH is traveling this week so I feel extra stressed out. I quit my job when I realized my older child was struggling. I am devoted to my children and have not cared for anything else in my life more. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I know my kids will not necessarily be the same as us academically. It is still upsetting that my older child is in the lowest reading group at school and my younger child is the only one in his preschool class who cannot count to 20.

OP, if you are going to compete through your children, you are setting up yourself and them for years of misery.

Have you talked to your children's teachers? What do they say?

We just had parent teacher conferences for both kids. Both kids are very social and well behaved in class. Preschool teacher did say that our child is well versed in animals and dinosaurs. Teacher seems to really know my child. She said she will work with us on numbers and beginner reading. I think the problem is that the kids in class are so advanced that my child is getting left behind. Older child is getting extra reading help along with a small group of the emergent readers. 1st grade does not do sight words but the teacher said she will send home lists for my child. My son hates when I try to teach him sight words but he always does his homework. If he thinks the sight word list is part of his homework, he will work on the words with me.

Anonymous wrote:OP - you may also want to consider sitting down with a therapist to talk through some of these thoughts. As others have said, your anxiety can feed onto your kids. I have struggled with this as well and have found that professional help is very helpful. (And yes, like many others here - I'm another high performing Ivy Leaguer with kids now - they don't teach us this stuff in our fancy pants schools!). It's not the cheapest solution in the world, but you seem to have the income to easily afford this. And I guess I'd argue that putting your health (including mental health) first will be better for your kids in the long run. Good luck.

DH is in a different time zone. I woke him up and spoke to him for the past hour. DH had a few funny airport stories and made me laugh. This thread has also made me feel better. One of my closest friends is getting divorced after miscarrying earlier this year. I have listened to her cry. Also just found out another friend has stage 4 cancer. My attention has shifted from being hyper focused on my child's inability to count to 20. He put out a bunch of toys this morning and we counted the toys together. He got 13 and 14 mixed up but that is ok. I will take that for now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nets 13,14, 15 are hard to pronounce and usual stopping point in counting.

OP here. 4yo has trouble with 11-14. He knows up to 10.

I feel better this morning. DH is traveling this week so I feel extra stressed out. I quit my job when I realized my older child was struggling. I am devoted to my children and have not cared for anything else in my life more. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I know my kids will not necessarily be the same as us academically. It is still upsetting that my older child is in the lowest reading group at school and my younger child is the only one in his preschool class who cannot count to 20.

(MIT mom here). My 4.5yo has exactly the same problem with 11-14. My older kid (7yo) couldn't read until 1st grade. A year later, she is finishing the 7th Harry Potter book and is being sent to 3rd grade math classes. Being a Type A personality myself, I know how hard it is to feel helpless at solving a problem. But maybe there is no problem to be solved!

Thank you for your post. My almost 7yo 1st grader enjoys when I read the books for him. He does not enjoy the emergent reader "baby" books that are appropriate for his reading level. Really hoping that his reading takes off this year. That is what I have been waiting for.

OP, it's okay. Your kid will learn to count. Don't stress. I also find it hard to teach my kid stuff. My two-year-old still hasn't managed to learn to ride her trike. I'm terrible at teaching her anything. My mom was an elementary school teacher and she has a much easier time teaching my DD things.

Not everyone is good at teaching. It requires a lot of patience and repetition. My kid goes to daycare and she learns a lot of this stuff there. Maybe consider a part-time program or something?

Has anyone pointed out yet that counting to 20 is rote memorization and not really an indication of anything besides how good your kid is at memorizing a string of random words that have no meaning to most small children yet? That said, OP's biggest problems are her anxiety and over identification with a 4 year old's "achievements." Once that's under control, she can look up age appropriate early math fun activities to start teaching one-to-one correspondence, spatial relations, and other basic math concepts.

Anonymous wrote:My 4.5yo DC cannot count to 20 and I feel completely fine.

- MIT Ph.D. working mom

That's hot.

OP,

My sister went to Yale. She's intense. She always excels at what she puts her mind to. Motherhood has been humbling for her. She works outside the home, partly to protect her children from her intensity. She didn't want to make her kids her only outlet for her drive and ambition. If she did, she'd be a lot like you and crying about they aren't PERFECT or doing things on her time schedule. She funnels her intensity into her job and comes home and can be a mother to the children she HAS, not the children she wants them to be so that she can get straight As in parenthood.

Recognizing your own stuff here is important.

You are putting enormous stock into your child being juuussstt so. That is dangerous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nets 13,14, 15 are hard to pronounce and usual stopping point in counting.

OP here. 4yo has trouble with 11-14. He knows up to 10.

I feel better this morning. DH is traveling this week so I feel extra stressed out. I quit my job when I realized my older child was struggling. I am devoted to my children and have not cared for anything else in my life more. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I know my kids will not necessarily be the same as us academically. It is still upsetting that my older child is in the lowest reading group at school and my younger child is the only one in his preschool class who cannot count to 20.

(MIT mom here). My 4.5yo has exactly the same problem with 11-14. My older kid (7yo) couldn't read until 1st grade. A year later, she is finishing the 7th Harry Potter book and is being sent to 3rd grade math classes. Being a Type A personality myself, I know how hard it is to feel helpless at solving a problem. But maybe there is no problem to be solved!

OP - you may also want to consider sitting down with a therapist to talk through some of these thoughts. As others have said, your anxiety can feed onto your kids. I have struggled with this as well and have found that professional help is very helpful. (And yes, like many others here - I'm another high performing Ivy Leaguer with kids now - they don't teach us this stuff in our fancy pants schools!). It's not the cheapest solution in the world, but you seem to have the income to easily afford this. And I guess I'd argue that putting your health (including mental health) first will be better for your kids in the long run. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:you are nuts!!

signed,
a 4 year old teacher

Wow, how did you your tracing certificate at the age of 4?!