Anonymous wrote:
I know this is meant to by snippy, but there is a lot of truth to this. I work in biglaw and I have yet to see a successful relationship between a high earning, financially successful woman and a lower earning lower ambition man. (I know of a few couples who have this dynamic outside the firm, no idea of their marriage). Yet, there are many marriages in the firm where high status men marry lower career oriented women and it turns out fine.

Because what sane man would want to put up with their bullshit? Could you IMAGINE being married to OP? It's like root canals listening to her describe her husband.

I, along with other men, will pass, thank you.

It's a huge problem for society because there is a lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, as women start and continue to catch up to and outpace men.

Complete trash. There is no lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, women just don't consider them to be eligible and men with decent heads on their shoulders have no desire to marry them and procreate with them.

Anonymous wrote:Questions for you from another mom who is the primary breadwinner. Why can't you call a plumber? Why can't you schedule a realtor to come put your condo on the market? Why can't you schedule a vacation? Is it just your frustrated vision of how things are supposed to be, and his vision of mom's real estate killing? Because I just don't understand why you wouldn't make an appointment with a realtor. Today. 3 kids in one room?

Of course she can do it, she just wants to be taken care of, like all the other spoiled broads she associates with.

Anonymous wrote:And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.

20:01 here. I have also found things that my husband is good at and task it out to him. One is medical/dental appts. yes I schedule them, but he takes them. no big issues, so really nothing to manage at them.

I also pass on laundry, dealing with routine house repairs (after I make the call), yard work, shopping for pantry items. anything clearly defined, I pass on. it is not a relationship maker, but does ease the burden some, and the kids can see him as someone who is in charge sometimes.

as the kids have gotten older, they also respect him a little less, sadly.

To OP, I think more women are in the same position as you than you realize. My DH is very similar, and I was very frustrated. I do all the planing and decision making - housing, kid activities, medical, investments, bills, vacations. It gets old, but it's better than being divorced and having to deal with him anyway.

We also tried counseling, it wasn't that helpful. I find better therapy talking with my successful friends and listening to how they deal with things. I've found my friends who are the happiest have comes to terms with who they married and their role in the marriage. One of my happiest friends does all planing, but she said her husband just isn't a good planner - and she accepts that. I've followed her lead in some respects. I also didn't respect DH for a long time, but I realized I was trying to make him be like me. He will never be able to do all that I do. He just isn't capable. I've accepted that. You'll need to accept that as well if you want your relationship to work.

I also have found a few areas where he will do things. One is the kids medical appointments. I still schedule them, but he will take them and keep track of the immunizations. He also is good at day to day mundane tasks. He does almost all the laundry. I take what I can get.

Lastly, when DH complains, I walk away. He has a right to his feelings, but I don't need to live them with him. Sometimes DH lashes out and his complaining is critiquing me or our life. I tell him it's not ok and I disengage. It's never going to be perfect, but I made a commitment to him and this marriage. You should look for ways to make things work.

Anonymous wrote:to the OP. I could have written a very similar post. I am a little further into my relationship and kids are older elementary school age. throw in long term unemployment. it is so hard to stay with someone whom I don't respect. I also don't trust him -- due to some addictions (legal ones) and some lying (no adultery). It is hard because he is sweet and a good father. he is just highly inefficient and incapable and slow to act/decide.

We have been in a very rough patch for a few years now. I don't really know where it will go, but divorce is certainly a strong possibility. Currently, we are both in our own therapy.

Big hugs to you!

Op here and I am so sorry you're going though a similar situation. I truly feel like I have given my all to my family and marriage, and cannot fathom giving up on DH. But I think that's the hardest part, eg, not Knowing when to throw in the towel. I am not there yet but getting close. Am trying to see the positives and lower expectations. But I don't have trust issues with DH. Just lazy and unmotivated issues. It's hard when you want to provide better for your family but have roadblocks at every turn. And criticism.

Respect is such an important part of a marriage and I share your frustration. You are not alone. Hugs!

OP, it honestly sounds like there is another piece to this puzzle that you either aren't telling us, or (more likely) you just aren't seeing it because you have a blind-spot.

I'm not blaming you for your DH's bad behavior. I'm just saying that there's probably a reason why he is acting this way. Don't just assume that being a passive-aggressive dweeb is intrinsic to his personality. It sounds like something else is going one.

My advice would be to do whatever you can to get a professional to provide a neutral perspective: a therapist, counselor. etc. Try to go to couple's counseling. If he refuses, then go yourself. Again, I'm not saying that you are the problem. But, I AM saying that you probably have a blind spot that is preventing you from fully understanding the situation. Do not assume that you have perfect insight into the situation before breaking-up your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Basically I am married to someone less educated, who makes less money, doesn't do much around the house, won't make any decisions personally and professionally, but then criticizes me when I do. This is a direct contrast to how he was when we were dating.

Maybe there is some truth to the PPs who say women ultimately need to marry up despite their belief they don't. I did love this man. I admired him and his achievements when we were dating. But since we got married I feel like I have become his mother, financially, decision making, etx. But then he complains and yells at me.

I hate this and miss our old relationship. Instead he is floundering at the point in his life/career when he should be peaking (mid-to-late 40s).

And had three kids with him.

So what's the part you're leaving out, OP?

Why would you have married him, in the first place?

There's one and only one possible reason: You're not very physically attractive, and a low-achieving unmotivated man was the best you could do. If you were physically more attractive, you would never have had to "settle" for such an unambitious man.

Think carefully before you kick him to the curb. You may NOT be able to do better.

Omg this is the OP and I am laughing so hard. Thank you for making me giggle tonight!

You couldn't be more wrong, BTW. I still got it. Total MILF here., even after the three kids. Lol. Still work out and take care of myself. Married a guy who put on a good show until push came to shove. Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes years to realize that always giving someone the benefit of the doubt gets old.... And that a person cannot change despite themselves. Although I do not have anyone in the wings as a PP suggested, I have had a few offers. Some pretty serious. And some from men who are much more the alpha types. I would never ever act on it. I am committed to DH and our family. But it does make me wonder why DH doesn't try harder to be a partner with me.

I just wish he would get with the program. I could easily leave him and hookup right away. But that's not me and I would never cheat. Maybe it does make me question things though. It's hard to get positive attention from other men when your own husband who is supposed to love and cherish you is a slouch who whines and complains all the time, doesn't act as an equal or partner. And does nothing to improve your situation or your family.

My own mother knows my dilemma and said I was "ripe for an affair." Sad. Not true, but sad.

Stop the press. You can get men to have sex with you? Good for you. That's not difficult.

Now get a man who wants to settle-down with a divorced woman who has three small children. That's not nearly as easy.

OP here. You're so off base. I have no interest in "settling down" with anyone. Heck I don't think I even want to remarry. As I said, I don't want to divorce.I just feel burdened by this man! I have nooooo interest in another marriage or relationship at this point. I just am tied of a fourth child I didn't want!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Basically I am married to someone less educated, who makes less money, doesn't do much around the house, won't make any decisions personally and professionally, but then criticizes me when I do. This is a direct contrast to how he was when we were dating.

Maybe there is some truth to the PPs who say women ultimately need to marry up despite their belief they don't. I did love this man. I admired him and his achievements when we were dating. But since we got married I feel like I have become his mother, financially, decision making, etx. But then he complains and yells at me.

I hate this and miss our old relationship. Instead he is floundering at the point in his life/career when he should be peaking (mid-to-late 40s).

And had three kids with him.

So what's the part you're leaving out, OP?

Why would you have married him, in the first place?

There's one and only one possible reason: You're not very physically attractive, and a low-achieving unmotivated man was the best you could do. If you were physically more attractive, you would never have had to "settle" for such an unambitious man.

Think carefully before you kick him to the curb. You may NOT be able to do better.

Omg this is the OP and I am laughing so hard. Thank you for making me giggle tonight!

You couldn't be more wrong, BTW. I still got it. Total MILF here., even after the three kids. Lol. Still work out and take care of myself. Married a guy who put on a good show until push came to shove. Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes years to realize that always giving someone the benefit of the doubt gets old.... And that a person cannot change despite themselves. Although I do not have anyone in the wings as a PP suggested, I have had a few offers. Some pretty serious. And some from men who are much more the alpha types. I would never ever act on it. I am committed to DH and our family. But it does make me wonder why DH doesn't try harder to be a partner with me.

I just wish he would get with the program. I could easily leave him and hookup right away. But that's not me and I would never cheat. Maybe it does make me question things though. It's hard to get positive attention from other men when your own husband who is supposed to love and cherish you is a slouch who whines and complains all the time, doesn't act as an equal or partner. And does nothing to improve your situation or your family.

My own mother knows my dilemma and said I was "ripe for an affair." Sad. Not true, but sad.

Stop the press. You can get men to have sex with you? Good for you. That's not difficult.

Now get a man who wants to settle-down with a divorced woman who has three small children. That's not nearly as easy.

Hi OP! When i read your post i actually did a date check to see if it was something i had written a few years ago, it was so familiar!

My hugs to you. I'm so sorry. I'm behind on this long thread, but here is my story:
After many months and multiple therapists i asked my husband to consider a trial seperation. He responded by saying we mught as well get divorced.

The next two years were terrible. Worse than what i started with. But now that i am on the other side my children and I (and my ex) are happier than we ever would have been had i stayed married.

Good luck to you.

to the OP. I could have written a very similar post. I am a little further into my relationship and kids are older elementary school age. throw in long term unemployment. it is so hard to stay with someone whom I don't respect. I also don't trust him -- due to some addictions (legal ones) and some lying (no adultery). It is hard because he is sweet and a good father. he is just highly inefficient and incapable and slow to act/decide.

We have been in a very rough patch for a few years now. I don't really know where it will go, but divorce is certainly a strong possibility. Currently, we are both in our own therapy.

Big hugs to you!

I agree OP with the PP- my husband also doesn't do much, makes less etc. but he never complains about my decisions- he is always very appreciative. I think if your husband could stop complaining then it would be better. Maybe tell him that if he keeps complaining it will ruin the marriage. My husband used to complain about his work too much and I told him I couldn't take it anymore and he did stop, thankfully.

Anonymous wrote:I think you are enabling this behavior from him. You ask him and then you make the decision when he doesn't act or respond. When he complains tell him that he can lead, follow or get out of the way, but that you aren't going to be secondguessed on decisions you made after asking for his input and/or asking him to take charge and nothing happened. Cut that conversation short.

Op again. This is great advice! I am still trying to be civil and nice about it, but you're right. I need to just cut the convo short and not engage. It's predictable to easy to take this approach. THANK YOU!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry op, but your situation sounds a lot like mine. Mine was probably worse, because their was major temper issue thrown in and he would not participate in my and the kids life. ADHD and other things may be the reason, but it's still not a solution for the problems, and you too deserve to be happy. We tried therapy but like yours, it didn't progress. We had the 4 horsemen between us, and that's a strong predictor of divorce, even though we didn't want to admit it, and we did months a counseling.

I ended up pulling the plug on the marriage, and while it's not been easy, life is so much better for me and the kids. He moved away and has a good phone relationship w the kids which is better than the relationship they had before.

I'm not suggesting divorce, but like I said before, you too deserve to be happy, and if living like this isn't good for the kids, that's a major consideration.

And for those who say "didn't you know this before" ? That's irrelevant because she can't go back and change things!

+1. OPs husband sounds like my ex. And no, my ex was not like this when we married.
Accepting people for who they are is important, but that doesn't mean you have to accept the behavior of a partner who has checked out and abdicated all responsibility to the family that he helped create. I decided I had two choices, accept the situation as it was, or get out. And we tried counseling, and I tried everything I could to save our marriage.

OP here. Yes, +2. He was very different when we met and dated and even when we first married. A lot of promises never kept. Goals never achieved (or even attempted). Basically a lot of hot air. I am a doer. He is not. When I say I will do something I usually do it or try my damnedest. DH makes all kinds of promises but never follows through. With his job. Home life. Like the example with the financial planner. I agreed to go. Happily. He made a huge deal about it in counseling. Huge. Then 9 months come and go and he never followed through. How can anyone take him seriously?

Anonymous wrote:
I'm the PP whose similar DH got therapy and meds. One small piece of advice for your sanity is that I wouldn't discuss all of these things with him. I wouldn't mention The Xmas break aftercare at all, but just sign them up at a place that is convenient for you. If he finds something different or better then great. Who cares if you lose money. Most likely he won't do anything. When the day comes just take them to the aftercare place and let him know where they are. Don't discuss anything. Same things with camps. You have to learn to do what needs to be done and ignore the complaints, criticisms.

If you are looking for validation for your DH on all that you do for him and the kids, you will never get it.

Op here. Good advice. I have been trying really hard to at least give him the option of being involved. Otherwise I get the "you made a unilateral decision" crap. But I try and try and get no response. So yea you're right. Why waste time with the inevitable.