Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm probably being naive and princessy. It's just so hurtful to me that he doesn't understand why I am emphasizing a nice ring. I'm not asking for a 20k ring. I'm asking for one in the range of 5-8k that I know he can afford on his own had he put some thought and effort into it. Right now he wants to use the 2k that he has and say " oh btw just a heads up I'm not gonna be getting you the ring you want so don't be disappointed".

It's so mean and makes me feel so unvalued! All our other friends whether they are more well off than us or not, the guys have gone through great lengths to make sure their girlfriends like the ring! Some girls didn't even care but the guy WANTED to go above and beyond because he wanted to impress her.

Stop...
Right there in the bold is where your problem lies OP.
Check your priorities.
Are you in love with him and do you want to marry him and be with him for richer for poorer in sickness and in health, etc. or is impressing your friends and "keeping up with the Jones's" your main focus?

It seems OP is more interested in checking off "engagement" and "wedding" on her timetable. The first requires a good-sized rock and the second, undoubtedly, will require a huge extravaganza that bankrupts OP's parents.

OP needs to grow up.

Don't know what OP needs to do but I know what OP's fiancé needs to do...he needs to dump her spoiled pretentious materialistic ass immediately and see how she likes the alternative to not getting the ring she so desperately wants - being the sole single girl with NO RING AT ALL out of all her other friends.

Anonymous wrote:Eh I can understand wanting one in the range you are looking at. You wear it for the rest of your life in most cases and it should be something you like. He is being insensitive by saying that he just wants to use what he has right now.

I feel for you OP. It sounds like you actually care about the lack of effort, not the money spent. I'd have a talk about that because it will manifest itself in other ways throughout your relationship, believe me.

Yes! I know its so hard to explain how I feel eloquently. But its the effort and the thought he put into planning this. He just did not plan! At all! Even though he had one year +!

Its not really about the cost. If he was a blue collar worker and he planned and saved and worked hard to get me the best 1k ring he could, I'd be so touched! What bugs me about my bf is that...I have set a reasonable standard; a decent ring for the middle range of what he can afford; nothing too flashy but nothing too shabby. In reality, he should go a little above to show that he cares and because as his girl/wife i deserve the best!

Instead, he wants to just do it last minute with as little thought as possible. And....because I know him, I even emphasized it to him, "sweetie, i love you! whatever you give me will be beautiful and a symbol of our love and i will wear it proudly and forever! so i want a nice ring"

and he always responds with "but rings are soo expensive"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm probably being naive and princessy. It's just so hurtful to me that he doesn't understand why I am emphasizing a nice ring. I'm not asking for a 20k ring. I'm asking for one in the range of 5-8k that I know he can afford on his own had he put some thought and effort into it. Right now he wants to use the 2k that he has and say " oh btw just a heads up I'm not gonna be getting you the ring you want so don't be disappointed".

It's so mean and makes me feel so unvalued! All our other friends whether they are more well off than us or not, the guys have gone through great lengths to make sure their girlfriends like the ring! Some girls didn't even care but the guy WANTED to go above and beyond because he wanted to impress her.

Stop...
Right there in the bold is where your problem lies OP.
Check your priorities.
Are you in love with him and do you want to marry him and be with him for richer for poorer in sickness and in health, etc. or is impressing your friends and "keeping up with the Jones's" your main focus?

It seems OP is more interested in checking off "engagement" and "wedding" on her timetable. The first requires a good-sized rock and the second, undoubtedly, will require a huge extravaganza that bankrupts OP's parents.

OP needs to grow up.

I bought my fiancé what I could afford at the time and we were in on this decision together, she did not contribute to the cost although she could have. There was an understanding that we would upgrade it later (on a big anniversary) when our financials were better. It was either that or postpone the entire thing, which honestly doing so over not having the "right" ring is just ridiculous. She now no longer wants to upgrade her ring, and we are putting the money into something that actually benefits us instead of essentially flushing it down the toilet. A ring won't make your marriage succeed/fail, no matter how large it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All our other friends

This is your problem right here, OP.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

A $2k ring could feed a low-income family of 4 for nearly a year.

A $2k ring is 4x what I paid for my first car.

A $2k ring would have paid for a semester at my undergrad u.

A $2k ring is a vacation at the beach, or tickets to France, or...

Try comparing in the other direction.

Look, you can always make these comparisons. Every time you're upset about anything, you could say: I could be starving. And as a matter of perspective, sure, yes.

But sometimes you care about things even when you know objectively that it's a little unreasonable. And I sort of feel like it's our partners' jobs to be nice to us, and a little sympathetic, even when we're being small-scale dicks.

Anonymous wrote:Eh I can understand wanting one in the range you are looking at. You wear it for the rest of your life in most cases and it should be something you like. He is being insensitive by saying that he just wants to use what he has right now.

I feel for you OP. It sounds like you actually care about the lack of effort, not the money spent. I'd have a talk about that because it will manifest itself in other ways throughout your relationship, believe me.

I agree with this. Me personally, I did not want an expensive ring (I wanted an $800 vintage ring, but my now-husb got a $2k artisanal ring instead. It's very pretty, I don't wear it very often anymore).

But if you do care, and he loves you - then I think that he should probably at least listen to what you're saying here. You haven't presented it in the most sympathetic way, but these decisions are all so damn fraught and hard to present in sympathetic ways.

Can you try talking to him? Can you say something like: baby, I know I'm being a little princessy here, and I'm sorry about that, but, this is how I'm feeling?

Anonymous wrote:All our other friends

This is your problem right here, OP.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

A $2k ring could feed a low-income family of 4 for nearly a year.

A $2k ring is 4x what I paid for my first car.

A $2k ring would have paid for a semester at my undergrad u.

A $2k ring is a vacation at the beach, or tickets to France, or...

Try comparing in the other direction.

Maybe he is planning on getting a more expensive ring to begin with and just leading you on a different path for w/e convoluted reason he has in his head Trying to see what style of ring you prefer and then bumping it up to a bigger stone? Idk...sometimes men do strange things that don't always make sense...I'm a guy.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm probably being naive and princessy. It's just so hurtful to me that he doesn't understand why I am emphasizing a nice ring. I'm not asking for a 20k ring. I'm asking for one in the range of 5-8k that I know he can afford on his own had he put some thought and effort into it. Right now he wants to use the 2k that he has and say " oh btw just a heads up I'm not gonna be getting you the ring you want so don't be disappointed".

It's so mean and makes me feel so unvalued! All our other friends whether they are more well off than us or not, the guys have gone through great lengths to make sure their girlfriends like the ring! Some girls didn't even care but the guy WANTED to go above and beyond because he wanted to impress her.

Stop...
Right there in the bold is where your problem lies OP.
Check your priorities.
Are you in love with him and do you want to marry him and be with him for richer for poorer in sickness and in health, etc. or is impressing your friends and "keeping up with the Jones's" your main focus?

Eh I can understand wanting one in the range you are looking at. You wear it for the rest of your life in most cases and it should be something you like. He is being insensitive by saying that he just wants to use what he has right now.

I feel for you OP. It sounds like you actually care about the lack of effort, not the money spent. I'd have a talk about that because it will manifest itself in other ways throughout your relationship, believe me.

OP here. I'm probably being naive and princessy. It's just so hurtful to me that he doesn't understand why I am emphasizing a nice ring. I'm not asking for a 20k ring. I'm asking for one in the range of 5-8k that I know he can afford on his own had he put some thought and effort into it. Right now he wants to use the 2k that he has and say " oh btw just a heads up I'm not gonna be getting you the ring you want so don't be disappointed".

It's so mean and makes me feel so unvalued! All our other friends whether they are more well off than us or not, the guys have gone through great lengths to make sure their girlfriends like the ring! Some girls didn't even care but the guy WANTED to go above and beyond because he wanted to impress her.

Ideally, I would have liked for him to have offered it and for me to have turned it down. I don't think that either of us were that selfless/secure in our own value at that point in time though.

I'll admit I was initially upset. My husband spent an amount much less than I knew he could afford. It would have been one thing if that was all he could afford but knowing he could have spent more and didn't made me feel like he didn't value me very well. But it's fine now and I'm actually glad he didn't spend more. There's other things to better spend that money on and I don't think I would have liked a bigger ring as much as I initially thought.

Oh, wow. To answer the original q, no, I don't. Or, rather, I care that it didn't cost too much. I don't know how much he paid, but I imagine it wasn't much more than a nice dinner out, and I'd feel terrible if it was. I care that it is a symbol, but I don't plan on wearing it for much longer than the engagement itself.

I'm actually uncomfortable wearing a lot of $$ in jewelry. I'm in a social services field and work with low income women and would feel tacky and vulgar wearing a trinket that is worth more than their annual incomes. Even something that is flashy and relatively inexpensive would send a message I don't want to send.

FWIW, this is my 3rd engagement (2nd marriage).

Engagement #1: Traditional 2 karat solitaire, 2 months' salary--fiancé was a complete asshole & I'm so glad I didn't marry him.

Engagement #2: Heirloom ring from my grandmother, $0, and $11 silver wedding band from a mall kiosk. We were kids, and the marriage lasted 7 years.

Engagement #3: Birthstone engagement ring, probably <$200, and I've selected a perfect modest and meaningful wedding band for <$1,000.

The price of the ring in no way correlates with the success of the relationship, IME.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't know how best to explain it. I want him to want to get me the best ring he can because he thinks I deserve that and nothing less. Starting the talk with, I cant get you X ring because I can't afford it, isn't exactly romantic.

And for the record, we have been talking marriage and engagement for a whole year now. I have told him how, I do not wear ANY jewelry and the only piece of jewelry I want to wear forever is my engagement ring so I want it to be nice and special.

I feel so hurt that given how much time he has had, and how much I have emphasized it, he just goes and head and wants to disregard my wishes for and get me something last minute knowing well its not what I want or expect.

Rude much?

NP here. If it came down to not be engaged while he saved up for the perfect ring (say it could be another 2 years) or being engaged now, which do you prefer? For me, considering the costs of weddings, housing etc, I would prefer to build life together and get the nicer jewelry once we are better established than delay.

That said, only you know if your guy is generous and romantic and can't afford a more expensive ring and just wanted to be upfront so you weren't disappointed versus he has $1000 to spend on a hobby but $50 to spend on the ring. Is this one of those that he gets whatever for you but the 2nd wife/or subsequent engagement he would take a 2nd job to get a nicer ring? Sort along the PP line that said how she felt about the ring was actually a reflection of how she felt about the relationship and ended up breaking off the engagement. In general, is your boyfriend, thoughtful and kind? Is he the type to celebrate your birthday , remember your anniversary, make the effort in general? If so, don't worry about the ring. If he isn't, you have bigger issues to worry about. See the forgotten birthday, missed anniversaries, unequal division of labor once they have kids posts on DCUM. Posters hate when you ask, well was he like this when you married him, but to some extent, if he was like then when dating you would expect it to stay the same or get worse once married.