Anonymous
Post 10/05/2015 11:46     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband havechosen her best friend instead of me as the guardian for her two children. I'm devastated. I love both kids to death, and her best friend is not a fan of me, and I know if anything happens to my sister and her husband, I will most likely not see my niece and nephew again.

The worst part is, her decision is totally based on my parenting ability. I've struggled for my child's entire life, first with really bad PPD and now with general work-life balance. It's so hard to hear that someone thinks you're too poor of a parent to care for their children.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any sage advice for me?


Have you ever threatened or attempted suicide?


Anonymous
Post 10/02/2015 23:08     Subject: Re:Not picked as the guardian
This isn't like getting to be the maid of honor- carry the bouquet and the Most Important Friend trophy.

It's not about your feelings or etiquette or blood vs. friendship.

It's about ensuring that two precious human beings have a safe and happy life if you should ever die.

You are thinking about yourself and whining about what all of this says about you. You're telling yourself a story in which this friend is petty and would keep her best friend's children away from a decent person over a fight about strippers.

Is that how much you respect your sister? That you believe she'd entrust her own children to a person like that?

Get your head out of your ass.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2015 15:06     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband havechosen her best friend instead of me as the guardian for her two children. I'm devastated. I love both kids to death, and her best friend is not a fan of me, and I know if anything happens to my sister and her husband, I will most likely not see my niece and nephew again.

The worst part is, her decision is totally based on my parenting ability. I've struggled for my child's entire life, first with really bad PPD and now with general work-life balance. It's so hard to hear that someone thinks you're too poor of a parent to care for their children.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any sage advice for me?


Have you ever threatened or attempted suicide?
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2015 09:55     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are stewing and fretting over something that will likely never happen. But just the fact that you are second guessing your sister and her wishes like this might be the reason why she designated someone else to be her children's legal guardian.


The choice has been made, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen. The choice hurt OP's feelings. She's brooding over what she thinks her sibling's choice says about her.



It sounds as though Op admits that she has struggled with PPD and work-life balance. Are there also money issues?

More than likely, Op's sister has seen Op struggle and simply understands that Op has a lot on her own plate already and doesn't really need anything else. We all have our limits. This friend on the other hand could more readily adapt to the enormous challenge of caring for grieving, orphaned children. Hopefully, this will never be an issue.



There are no money issues and the PPD has mostly resolved. The work-life balance is simply because I work, and her friend doesn't.

And yes, her friend told my sister she doesn't like me because I'm not "fun" and ruined the party by being an "uptight bitch".
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2015 09:46     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We picked a close friend over siblings to be guardians of our kids in the event of our death.

If my sister ever finds out she will be devastated. I, of course, hope she never will find out.

Our chosen guardians know they are the ones, and we had long, careful discussions with them when making this decision.

I love my sister, (and my husband loves his brother) but the decision was driven by what would be best for our kids, and in which home they would have the most stable environment.

My sister adores my kids, and she has a child of her own with whom they are very close. However, she has a long history of debilitating depression and anxiety. She has a marriage that is unstable and in which there is routine fighting and serious drama. She and her husband have built a chaotic household and life and more than once have been on the brink of divorce. Their child is showing signs of anxiety and stress that are worrisome.

The guardians we chose have had a long, stable, calm marriage. They are godparents to my kids, and I am godmother to theirs. They have built a family centered life of great security for their child, and they are physically and emotionally close to my family. My friend has been my best friend since kindergarten - she is chosen family.

Should the worst happen the most stable, loving, secure household will not be my sister's. It just won't. I will hate to have my sister hurt, but the decision is driven by the best interests of the kids.

It's a painful thing to be sure, and I'm sorry you even have to know OP. But you do need to respect their decision and acknowledge that maybe it is also the right decision for you.


We picked good friends too, and the guy who did our estate planning for us told us that it was essential to let family know about this decision so that if the time ever comes where this needs to be put into action, everyone will be on the same page. Naming them in your will is not legally enforceable - so if your family someday needs to face this situation, the judge who places your kids in custody can take their feelings into consideration and your wishes might not be carried out as you hoped they would if there ends up being a problem.


This! You can't keep something like this a secret, folks. A will expresses your wishes, but it's a judge who will need to place your child(ren) into a guardian's custody and if family are caught off guard and try to win that custody despite your stated intentions then things might not end up like you planned. It's your children's future, not a popularity contest.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2015 23:22     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure picking a guardian who will keep her children from their family is a good call.

Anyway, it doesn't help with my extremely low self-esteem. It makes me think my child is better off with someone else.


You sound like a sad sap, an immature girl, and somebody who is NOT dependable. You have to see how your attitude makes you seem like a bad guardian.


You meant this to be helpful to OP?


Seriously PP. This is your idea of offering help to the OP? Just when I thought I'd seen it all on DCUM . . .
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2015 20:21     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:We picked a close friend over siblings to be guardians of our kids in the event of our death.

If my sister ever finds out she will be devastated. I, of course, hope she never will find out.

Our chosen guardians know they are the ones, and we had long, careful discussions with them when making this decision.

I love my sister, (and my husband loves his brother) but the decision was driven by what would be best for our kids, and in which home they would have the most stable environment.

My sister adores my kids, and she has a child of her own with whom they are very close. However, she has a long history of debilitating depression and anxiety. She has a marriage that is unstable and in which there is routine fighting and serious drama. She and her husband have built a chaotic household and life and more than once have been on the brink of divorce. Their child is showing signs of anxiety and stress that are worrisome.

The guardians we chose have had a long, stable, calm marriage. They are godparents to my kids, and I am godmother to theirs. They have built a family centered life of great security for their child, and they are physically and emotionally close to my family. My friend has been my best friend since kindergarten - she is chosen family.

Should the worst happen the most stable, loving, secure household will not be my sister's. It just won't. I will hate to have my sister hurt, but the decision is driven by the best interests of the kids.

It's a painful thing to be sure, and I'm sorry you even have to know OP. But you do need to respect their decision and acknowledge that maybe it is also the right decision for you.


We picked good friends too, and the guy who did our estate planning for us told us that it was essential to let family know about this decision so that if the time ever comes where this needs to be put into action, everyone will be on the same page. Naming them in your will is not legally enforceable - so if your family someday needs to face this situation, the judge who places your kids in custody can take their feelings into consideration and your wishes might not be carried out as you hoped they would if there ends up being a problem.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2015 11:45     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are stewing and fretting over something that will likely never happen. But just the fact that you are second guessing your sister and her wishes like this might be the reason why she designated someone else to be her children's legal guardian.


The choice has been made, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen. The choice hurt OP's feelings. She's brooding over what she thinks her sibling's choice says about her.



It sounds as though Op admits that she has struggled with PPD and work-life balance. Are there also money issues?

More than likely, Op's sister has seen Op struggle and simply understands that Op has a lot on her own plate already and doesn't really need anything else. We all have our limits. This friend on the other hand could more readily adapt to the enormous challenge of caring for grieving, orphaned children. Hopefully, this will never be an issue.

Anonymous
Post 09/13/2015 11:32     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:You are stewing and fretting over something that will likely never happen. But just the fact that you are second guessing your sister and her wishes like this might be the reason why she designated someone else to be her children's legal guardian.


The choice has been made, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen. The choice hurt OP's feelings. She's brooding over what she thinks her sibling's choice says about her.

Anonymous
Post 09/13/2015 11:29     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure picking a guardian who will keep her children from their family is a good call.

Anyway, it doesn't help with my extremely low self-esteem. It makes me think my child is better off with someone else.


Take these feelings to therapy, not to your sister.


I haven't told my sister those feelings, only DCUM right now. If I'm not suitable for family, why would I be suitable to take care of my own child? Serious question.


I didn't pick my sister either, but it doesn't mean that I don't think she's a great mom to her kids who I love very much and who are very close with my dd. I truly love my sister and her parenting style works for her and her kids but we didn't see it being the best fit for dd. That being said, we also hope that they would always have a relationship no matter what.

We picked good friends who know both sides of the family, BUT we also discussed it with our family members so that there wouldn't be any be any surprises if, God forbid, that time comes.

Is there a reason you haven't talked to her about it? And if you do, are you able to do it in a way that doesn't make it just about you?
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2015 15:07     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
We picked a close friend over siblings to be guardians of our kids in the event of our death.

If my sister ever finds out she will be devastated. I, of course, hope she never will find out.

Our chosen guardians know they are the ones, and we had long, careful discussions with them when making this decision.

I love my sister, (and my husband loves his brother) but the decision was driven by what would be best for our kids, and in which home they would have the most stable environment.

My sister adores my kids, and she has a child of her own with whom they are very close. However, she has a long history of debilitating depression and anxiety. She has a marriage that is unstable and in which there is routine fighting and serious drama. She and her husband have built a chaotic household and life and more than once have been on the brink of divorce. Their child is showing signs of anxiety and stress that are worrisome.

The guardians we chose have had a long, stable, calm marriage. They are godparents to my kids, and I am godmother to theirs. They have built a family centered life of great security for their child, and they are physically and emotionally close to my family. My friend has been my best friend since kindergarten - she is chosen family.

Should the worst happen the most stable, loving, secure household will not be my sister's. It just won't. I will hate to have my sister hurt, but the decision is driven by the best interests of the kids.

It's a painful thing to be sure, and I'm sorry you even have to know OP. But you do need to respect their decision and acknowledge that maybe it is also the right decision for you.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 17:50     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
You are stewing and fretting over something that will likely never happen. But just the fact that you are second guessing your sister and her wishes like this might be the reason why she designated someone else to be her children's legal guardian.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 17:34     Subject: Re:Not picked as the guardian
My spouse and I each have two siblings. We each have a brother (and sister-in-law) that would be fine guardians for our children. When we were selecting guardians, we asked both how they felt and both couples were happy to be asked and interested in being guardians. Both are parents of now adult children (cousins to our young children). I also have another sister. My sister raised a wonderful, intelligent and very accomplished daughter. That said, our values are different and she had enough trouble with one easy to handle daughter that I don't really think I would be a very loving sibling if I were to designate her as guardian to two very willful and high energy nephews. It would wreak complete havok on her life and I'm not sure that it would be in the best interests of the children. She would do it if I asked, but I know that she would get overstressed and would have great difficulties coping with my boys; I've seen it on family visits enough to know that they are not a good match as guardian/children. If my brother and sister-in-law (and spouse's brother and sister-in-law) were not options, we would look into family friends to care for our children rather than my sister.

It's not about my sister's ability to parent. She raised a fine daughter. It's about whether my sibling and my children would be compatible as co-habitating family and I don't really think they would be.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 16:29     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.


1) Your sister is not suggesting that you're an unfit mother in any way. There are MANY people in my family whom I would not want to raise my children. That doesn't mean I think they are unfit to raise their own. They just have different values or parenting styles than my husband and I do. For example, my husband and I are not religious, so why would I designate a religious sibling to be my kids' guardian?

It sounds like you have some insecurities about your own ability to parent and you're projecting your issues onto your sister's decision. I think you may need to speak to a therapist.

2) I think you're completely, 100% wrong that your sister's best friend would prohibit these children from seeing you. If the kids lost both of their biological parents, do you honestly think the best friend would also alienate them from their biological aunt? And the only reason being that you bailed on your sister's bachelorette party? I think you need to trust your sister's judgment in both best friends AND in guardians a little more than that.

Seriously, your perception of reality is wayyy out of line.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 16:27     Subject: Not picked as the guardian
Anonymous wrote:Interesting discussion - we had friends ask us to be the guardians in lieu of their siblings. We adore their DC and DC thinks of us as Aunt/Uncle - but we were worried it would cause a rift with their siblings.

Guess this answers it.


It might not. Frankly, the only way they should find out about it is if both parents die, which is unlikely, or if someone is stupid enough to tell them.