Please, don't push your daughter into pressing charges. I too was raped at 14 by a popular senior at my high school while I was a lowly freshman. He didn't just rape me, he burned me with cigarettes, tied me up, did disgusting things to me. He threatened me about telling on him and I was so scared and in shock I didn't tell until days later - making it into a "he said she said" situation". Reporting it ruined my teenage life. It was never prosecuted because there was not enough evidence. He told everyone at school that he paid me for sex and I was a liar and a whore. I lost all my friends. People tormented me for the rest of my high school stay. Guys would throw dollar bills on my desk at school and tell me they wanted a BJ, etc. I was known as the lying b*tch whore. I was a virgin when he raped me. If I could go back in time, I would either report it right when it happened, or not at all.

OP - one thing I have found helpful in working with foster teens is to give them advance notice when you want to talk about something serious.

For instance, you could say, "I'd like to talk about getting you to a therapist. So on Friday, we will sit down and talk about that."

Giving them advanced notice allows them to get mentally ready to discuss something hard. Just bringing it up can seem like you're bombarding them, and the child might shut down. A little advanced notice goes a long way.

"You are not broken."

"There is not a wrong way to respond to this."

"This is not your fault."

This this this.

OP, I work for a victim organization. Take your time. Find therapists (for both of you) who have experience in this area. Reporting MUST be your daughter's decision, and hers alone, after discussing all the ins and outs with a victim advocate. Look up your locality's criminal and civil statutes for reporting. It will probably be 18yr + 2, but may be earlier or later. Given the lack of physical evidence at this point, there may not be much that could progress through the criminal system, but she may choose to pursue a civil suit down the line.

The suggestion to contact RAINN was spot on. Many people she may disclose to will be mandated reporters. They SHOULD tell her this upfront. However, they can't report what they don't know. Even if she discloses her age, if they don't have her name, address, etc., they'll have nothing to report.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Within the last year? Well within the statute of limitations. Empower her and involve the police. Don't let the boy get away with it, even if the best evidence you have is he said-she said. Subject him to an investigation and the stress that goes along with it.

I am going to talk with my DD about her comfort level of involving the police. I don't want to overwhelm her. She took a big step in telling me and I don't want to now roll full force over her if she's not ready. I'm not saying she'll never involve the police but I just want to make sure I don't make it so that she feels overwhelmed by everything. But, I plan to talk with her about this today.

Sounds like you're on a good path. Was the medical appointment today helpful at all?

OP, you are wise to go slow with police reporting. There is evidence it can be very effective for closure, but others are right it also can be very traumatizing.

Anonymous wrote:Within the last year? Well within the statute of limitations. Empower her and involve the police. Don't let the boy get away with it, even if the best evidence you have is he said-she said. Subject him to an investigation and the stress that goes along with it.

The girl will also go through a lot of stress if there's an investigation. Not saying she shouldn't report it, but don't think that only the boy will feel the pain. She will be questioned to such a degree that the police will seem like they don't believe her. I think this is why acquaintance or date rape is under reported.

Anonymous wrote:Within the last year? Well within the statute of limitations. Empower her and involve the police. Don't let the boy get away with it, even if the best evidence you have is he said-she said. Subject him to an investigation and the stress that goes along with it.

Look, I get where you are coming from. But involving the police is not necessarily a way to empower a teenage girl in a rape situation. It may in fact be a way to further victimize her. You need to leave that to OP.

It looks like you already have things lined up but you might want to reach out to DC Rape Crisis Center www.dcrcc.org/ They can help direct you to support for your specific needs. They get lots of calls from rapes occurring in the distant past, so don't think it needs to have just happened. I believe they have support groups also. My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous wrote:Within the last year? Well within the statute of limitations. Empower her and involve the police. Don't let the boy get away with it, even if the best evidence you have is he said-she said. Subject him to an investigation and the stress that goes along with it.

I am going to talk with my DD about her comfort level of involving the police. I don't want to overwhelm her. She took a big step in telling me and I don't want to now roll full force over her if she's not ready. I'm not saying she'll never involve the police but I just want to make sure I don't make it so that she feels overwhelmed by everything. But, I plan to talk with her about this today.

OP here. Just to provide a bit more back story, this was my original post with the frustration with my DD: http://dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/447976.page

A bit of a harsh thread but it explains so much now...

Within the last year? Well within the statute of limitations. Empower her and involve the police. Don't let the boy get away with it, even if the best evidence you have is he said-she said. Subject him to an investigation and the stress that goes along with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the kind words. My daughter's doctor appt is in the morning. I'm nervous now and will need to see if MD is a mandatory reporting state because, until DD is ready to come forward with more information, I don't want this to be an issue of force. I will speak with DD in the morning and let her know that it's a possibility that her doctor's appt will involve the police and go from there.

For those asking if I believe DD: Absolutely, 100%. I will always believe my children when it comes to issues like this. If it turns out not to be true, that's her burden to carry. But I will always believe and support my children when it comes to any sort of sexual abuse claim.

I'm so sorry that someone did such a terrible thing to your daughter, and it's great that you are being so supportive. It sounds from the other thread like you and your daughter had a really tough year before she disclosed the rape. It sounds like you were quite negative and frustrated about her poor academic performance. I think in this coming year it will be really important for the two of you to restore your relationship-maybe through family counseling. She needs to know that you love her unconditionally-no matter what has happened to her, and even if she is not successful academically. I hope that now that she has come forward she will be able to heal and find success in other parts of her life, including school, but she needs to know that your love isn't dependent on her achievement.

OP here. You are spot on and this is definitely my next step.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know the friend and/or the parents where this happened? I can't even imagine what this friend might have been doing while this was happening.

OP?

My DD has said she doesn't want to say who the girl is but that she lives in our neighborhood. We've only talked about this the day she made her confession and I haven't pushed her to give more details. I'm trying to take things one step at a time and let her reveal details as she's comfortable giving them. Hopefully, today's appt will reveal more for me to work with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are kids these ages alone with boys to get raped?

You have strange ideas about teenagers, and about rape.

Rape can happen in your own family room, while two teenagers are watching The Duggars, and you are in the kitchen preparing them a wholesome snack.

Rape can happen in the stairwell of your very nice upscale high school.

Rape can happen in the backseat of your car, while you are driving them home from The Prom, or in their limo which you paid for.

It can happen at the pool.

It can happen walking home from the library.

I'm not trying to scare you into locking up your daughter. Far from it. But I think the notion that this girl was somehow left alone, or allowed to be out with boys in some dangerous fashion, is ludicrous. Rape happens everywhere, including your own bedroom.

If your daughter's boyfriend could rape her while you're driving them, there's something horribly wrong with you.

No, there's something horribly wrong with your perception that rape always involves violence, screaming, kicking, and a gun to someone's head. Sexual acts happen very quickly among teenagers, and boundaries cross the line very rapidly.

Just stop. I didn't say "always" anything.

No, you just said there's something horribly wrong with me. And I'm the one who should "just stop"????

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take care of yourself too. You might need a little therapy, to give you strategies to help you deal with this.

+1. So very very sorry. Am praying for you and your daughter.

+2. It'll be great to hear that mother and daughter have begun the therapy work.