Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, I don't know. Do you want to have a relationship with these people? They've shown their true colors and they are difficult people who view things through a narrow lens. You are going to always be bending over to meet their needs and placate them.

Their attack of you was unprovoked and undeserved. Personally I'm with your husband on blocking them and keeping them separate. He grew up with them and he understands the family dynamics much more than you or an anonymous forum.

OP here- Do I want a relationship with them? Yes, because it's important to my husband and I think it's wrong to deny my daughter access to half of her family. They have caused a lot of stress to us over the years (for example, SIL complained 3-4 times in January to DH that I never call her, and so I picked up the phone and called her. Left a voice message of "hey, would love to catch up! etc". She never called me back), which is why I'm very frustrated with this latest episode. I just want to live my life and have a friendly relationship with family. My family sure isn't perfect, but they're not difficult to get along with, but the in-laws are just drama drama drama all the time and it is exhausting.

I certainly appreciate all the kind words from everyone on here, and to the PP who asked, yes, I've thanked DH for being so awesome to me about this. He managed to break out of all this crap through years and years of therapy, but the rest of the family don't seem to understand how they're impacting others. They think they're normal and I'm cold and arrogant, and I just need to beef up my coping skills and not take this personally.

I"m the OP you quoted and I just want to add one thing based on what you wrote in your response to my post.

While I understand wanting to have a relationship, and I think it's great you want your kids to know them, at what point do you say it's not fair to subject your kids to their erratic behavior and the drama? And while you may not believe me now, this will wear on your kids as they get older. I speak from experience. My uncle was a class a jerk and eventually I realized I did not want to subject my kids to the behavior I grew up enduring and being told by my parents I had to endure. I reached a point as an adult where I recognized he was not healthy and my kids were not obligated to put up with his bad behavior. Just food for thought.

I'm not saying you have to cut off all contact, but I do think I would make efforts to minimize contact.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Holy crap, OP.

Cooling off period sounds like a good idea. Like, maybe, a decade or so?

I don't undertand all of the blocking that your DH does, though. Doesn't that just escalate the drama? And precisely what was SIL texting? What will you do about the beach house?

Out of curiosity, is your family more wealthy than theirs? Have you had a lot of financial advantages that SIL doesn't have? (Not an excuse for her Fortas to Crazytown; I grew up poor with alcoholic parents, and I would never behave like that. But I remember as a young teenager having savior fantasies about people, like, maybe this new person in my life will finally make me feel x, and when my fantasy didn't work out, it was a huge disappointment...seems like SIL created a lot of fantasies in her head about what having you as a sister would be like and she's furious that you didn't get the script.)

OP here. Re the blocking: It's the screaming. The kids grew up in a pretty crazy, alcoholic, and dysfunctional household, so DH has a thing about screaming. I yelled at DH once about something I don't even recall when we'd first started dating and he got up and walked out. He explained to me later that he doesn't do yelling. Ever. So I never did it again and he has never once raised his voice to me. When we fight, it's with a reasonable tone of voice, and we work things out without yelling. Does his blocking them escalate things? Possibly, but he sees it as his only option to stop the hostility.

And yes, my family is wealthier, but by no means rich. And I suppose it's a possibility that she felt that way. I certainly think that's where the accusations of arrogance and condescension are coming from- I'm not doing what they want about contacting them, so they assume it's because I'm stuck up and look down on them, and not because they're asking for a level of contact I'm not willing to give.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am always suspicious when one person claims to be completmy blameless, which you do. I do not think BIL and SIL would both act as they have without reason on your part.

It does come off as very one-sided.

I often agree with this sentiment, but some dysfunctional families really thrive on having an odd man out, their shared dislike of this person gives them something to bond over, and you don't necessarily have to earn the label to be slapped with it. OP may just be the easiest target since she isn't blood.

I wonder if the two PP's above have ever known alcoholics or addicts or whether they have ever been in situations with profoundly dysfunctional or mentally ill families.

If you have not, then please understand this: there is another side. The profoundly dysfunctional or actively drinking alcoholic or mentally ill individual is ill, sick, in need of help. But that sickness or illness CANNOT take over the lives of others, and it CANNOT impact children and/or the next generation. Period. It has to stop. And someone has to ensure, for the sake of children, that it does stop. OP, you're doing an awesome job (and you're putting up with more than most would) and it's essential that you do so that your husband and your children can have a family without the dysfunction and sickness that surrounded your husband growing up.

To that end, your husband doesn't strike me as someone who would want or welcome congratulations or kudos (as well as the thanks you've given him), but boy does he deserve them. To be as functional as you describe, as supportive as you describe, suggests someone who's done a lot of good, healthy emotional work to stay strong and to create a toxic-free environment to the best of his ability. (That he got up and walked away when you screamed, however, mildly, and came back and explained why -- he's 'good people').

I wish you and your husband and your child all the best, OP.

PS Given what you were describing and what you are living with and through, your post wasn't too long at all: you may find more support in other forums regarding dysfunctional families (especially with abusive backgrounds or alcohol and/or drugs playing a major part) but for many of us who've lived through what your husband grew up with -- or who have a level of dysfunction in their families now -- well, let's just say I knew you could have written pages more.....

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a cousin who has sent me allcaps irate messages on FB because I didn't reply to his "Hi" in Messenger sometimes. Or even just an emoticon. Seriously. I get hundreds of email messages a day, dozens of personal things, plus FB...and you're pissed off that I didn't reply back to your smiley wink?

Not coincidentally, he is also an alcoholic. He gets lonely at night and maybe he sees I'm on FB and takes it personally, like I'm personally snubbing him when he says hi to me in a room or something.

My SIL also deactivated her FB account because she was so furious at me for "liking" some but not all of her pictuers. I kid you not. She apparently had some very detailed sense of an algorithm for why I would like some but not others...she thought I never liked ones with just her in it, usually only liked ones with my older nephew, who knows. She just went ballistic about it one day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am always suspicious when one person claims to be completmy blameless, which you do. I do not think BIL and SIL would both act as they have without reason on your part.

It does come off as very one-sided.

I often agree with this sentiment, but some dysfunctional families really thrive on having an odd man out, their shared dislike of this person gives them something to bond over, and you don't necessarily have to earn the label to be slapped with it. OP may just be the easiest target since she isn't blood.

Anonymous wrote:I was in a very situation after I had my children and I truly regret the many years I spent trying to understand my in-laws and to accommodate their wishes. I learned that in discussing me and DH and our many perceived faults behind our backs, my MIL, FIL and BIL would simply reinforce each others' views. They had already decided we would always be wrong, and we could not change their minds - it did not matter how we behaved or how we communicated. They were not the center of the universe and my MIL in particular could not handle that. I finally made peace with it all when I realized how much time DH and I were investing in what would always be dysfunction and I just stopped trying and caring what they thought of me. I was accustomed to being a "good girl" and a people pleaser, so it took some time to figure this out. I now invest my time in family and friends who enjoy my company and appreciate me. OP, I hope you can find a way to live your life without having to deal with such negativity. Life is too short.

Anonymous wrote:
Holy crap, OP.

Cooling off period sounds like a good idea. Like, maybe, a decade or so?

I don't undertand all of the blocking that your DH does, though. Doesn't that just escalate the drama? And precisely what was SIL texting? What will you do about the beach house?

Out of curiosity, is your family more wealthy than theirs? Have you had a lot of financial advantages that SIL doesn't have? (Not an excuse for her Fortas to Crazytown; I grew up poor with alcoholic parents, and I would never behave like that. But I remember as a young teenager having savior fantasies about people, like, maybe this new person in my life will finally make me feel x, and when my fantasy didn't work out, it was a huge disappointment...seems like SIL created a lot of fantasies in her head about what having you as a sister would be like and she's furious that you didn't get the script.)

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We clearly need a cooling off period. SIL called DH a bit ago and after a bit of chitchat, he asked about the emails from BIL. SIL started shouting at DH that she'd just now finished paying off our wedding from nearly 3 years ago (which was a small deal in my hometown, she was a bridesmaid, she wore a dress of her choice). He asked her not to scream at him and she didn't stop, so he hung up on her. Then she started texting him repeatedly with similar things, so he blocked her on his phone to stop them. And that was it. Ugh. She has my number but she hasn't contacted me. There's obviously more going on here than just me not being in contact with them enough. I feel like that was just the tip of the iceberg, with all this other crap under the surface waiting to come out.

I appreciate all the advice from everyone on here- much of it was pretty spot on and very helpful. And I'm staying out of this for now. I doubt there's anything I can say or do to help at this point.