Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 12:05     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. Our kids can go to school dances with a "date" starting in 8th grade, but other than that the rule is no dating until you're 16. We're not religious or particularly conservative at all, but I've seen the difference in kids who start dating young and kids who wait until they are more mature to start dating. It makes a huge difference, particularly with girls. It draws the line very clearly for them, so mom/dad get to be the "bad guy" and the kid doesn't even have to think about it - so much more of their focus stays on school and activities. Now of COURSE they are still boy/girl crazy, talk about it all the time, etc... but it is on a level much different than those who actually are allowed to date.

I'm a firm believer in picking an age, whatever is right for your family (although I think anything younger than 14 is ill-advised), and stick to it. Just take the debate off the table for your kids until it's an appropriate time.

Not dating until 16 is one of the parenting things I have the strongest feelings about. It just really sets kids up to focus on what is most important. By the time they are 16 they are generally making a lot different decisions about who is worth spending time with (you see this with friends too!) than they do when they are younger. Usually much better judgment. Not perfect by any means, but better.


This was my parents rule as well and my siblings and I just dated in secret. I had the same boyfriend from 14-16. His parents knew and mine were in the dark. The entire relationship was very innocent and I have lots of fond memories of spending the evenings playing board games with his parents or making cookies with his mom. I hated having to lie, sneak, and hide so much from my parents, but I justified it because all I wanted was to be like my other friends and have a boyfriend and go on dates.

We, my siblings and I, told our parents when the youngest was 18 and they were floored. They had no idea we'd been sneaking around and they really prided themselves on being "on top of it" parents, lol.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 11:57     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:My son and his friend are interested in two girls who are friends and would like to ask them to the movies. I don't have a huge issue with this, they are nice girls and our boys are good boys. It does seem young, but curious what others do?


If my dd was asked she would politely say no. 12 is too young and girls do not need boyfriends at 12.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 11:44     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:FWIW - all of the kids that I knew who were dating in middle school were having sex by HS. Or at least the rumor was floating around that they were.
I just don't think that a 12, 13, 14 year old kid needs that. Supervised dances, activities, neighborhood bbqs are one thing. But allowing boys and girls of that age to go off together as buddies on a "date" is just asking for trouble. It's playing with fire.


Needs what? Having sex in high school? Or having rumors floating around that they are having sex in high school? There are two important things to learn in high school, in my opinion:

1. Rumors are often baseless.
2. You shouldn't engage in malicious gossip.



Ummm most kids are having sex in high school. Get a clue!


No, "most" are not.


I thought that lots of adult behaviors are getting delayed, too. Via recent data. I mean saying "teen sex" is different than saying HS. The data by the end of 19 is very different than 14-15. Which I think is a good thing. Sex at 18 or so just seems like a better move, IMO.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 11:40     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. Our kids can go to school dances with a "date" starting in 8th grade, but other than that the rule is no dating until you're 16. We're not religious or particularly conservative at all, but I've seen the difference in kids who start dating young and kids who wait until they are more mature to start dating. It makes a huge difference, particularly with girls. It draws the line very clearly for them, so mom/dad get to be the "bad guy" and the kid doesn't even have to think about it - so much more of their focus stays on school and activities. Now of COURSE they are still boy/girl crazy, talk about it all the time, etc... but it is on a level much different than those who actually are allowed to date.

I'm a firm believer in picking an age, whatever is right for your family (although I think anything younger than 14 is ill-advised), and stick to it. Just take the debate off the table for your kids until it's an appropriate time.

Not dating until 16 is one of the parenting things I have the strongest feelings about. It just really sets kids up to focus on what is most important. By the time they are 16 they are generally making a lot different decisions about who is worth spending time with (you see this with friends too!) than they do when they are younger. Usually much better judgment. Not perfect by any means, but better.


Mine are not quite there yet but I kind of like this. I feel like those who had."serious" relationships at 14, 15 in my HS were so sort of locked down and pigeon holed and didn't seem to make the solid platonic friendships as much. I mean we tell people who are 22 not to settle down too fast, but 14 is a good idea?
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 11:30     Subject: Re:Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:Middle school teacher here. Kids develop at different ways in many, many ways. Feel free to say "no dating" until a certain age, but if you truly mean the intentions behind that statement, I highly encourage locking up the cell phone/iPod/laptop when not in public view, too, if you want to shield your children from the ways of the world. Kids are much more ... adult ... these days than we'd like to admit.


As friends sure of course. I had a ton of guys that were just friends at that age and we had great relationships and we were just friends. If they’re going as friends it is fine.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 10:14     Subject: Re:Does your 12 year old "date"
^^ gentlemen.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 10:13     Subject: Re:Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I disagree - I let my DS 12 go on "dates". He has gone with a girl for frozen yogurt, bowling and also ice skating once. I dropped them off and picked them up. I OKd it with the mom. I want him to learn how to do while I still have some control. He offers to pay, opens doors, asks what she wants to do (where to go or whatever) and learns how to ask a girl out, make plans and carry out those plans - all good skills. I would let him do it with his guy friends and I let him do it with a girl in controlled situations and that is how he will learn how to behave in those situations. He walks her to her door when the date is over.


This sounds a little old fashioned (I don't want my daughter to think that she needs to wait for a guy to open a door for her!), but generally I agree with this. I'm encouraged by the thought that 12 yr olds actually want to go on dates! When I was in middle and more so high school, "going out" mainly meant talking on the phone and hooking up at parties. Dating sounds a lot better.


Please don't tell your daughter this. Some of us are actually trying to teach our sons to be gentlement. Girls like your daughter are a real problem in that regard.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 10:11     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:FWIW - all of the kids that I knew who were dating in middle school were having sex by HS. Or at least the rumor was floating around that they were.
I just don't think that a 12, 13, 14 year old kid needs that. Supervised dances, activities, neighborhood bbqs are one thing. But allowing boys and girls of that age to go off together as buddies on a "date" is just asking for trouble. It's playing with fire.


Needs what? Having sex in high school? Or having rumors floating around that they are having sex in high school? There are two important things to learn in high school, in my opinion:

1. Rumors are often baseless.
2. You shouldn't engage in malicious gossip.



Ummm most kids are having sex in high school. Get a clue!


No, "most" are not.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 10:11     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:
I'd be really happy if they date at twelve. It gives them time to explore relationships. I like the idea. We're not there yet, but I'm open so far. FWIW, I feel the same about DD ans DS.


With all due respect, you are crazy.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 10:09     Subject: Re:Does your 12 year old "date"
This is such an eye-opener. My DS, only in 7th grade, now states that he has a "girlfriend," whose parents I know and thankfully they are as strict as I am.

So give me some specific advice here, please. What would be an appropriate Christmas gift from DS to this girl?
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2015 20:12     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:With all these 12 year olds dating, no wonder my dd came home from school yesterday laughing about a group of 7th grade girls who were complaining about how weird it felt to wear a thong with gym shorts.


My 8th grader talks about the pregnancies, the girls that do go on dates and how far they get. It is crazy how quickly these kids move.


And how does your 8th grader know about these things? From gossip? Which you believe?


Np here with an 8th grade girl ...girls brag about this stuff. I know girls as young as 10 with ask.fm accounts that answer all kinds of crazy stuff. I used to think it was the boys instigating all this stuff, but my 11 year old boy is aggressively pursued by girls who text, send semi-sexy selfies, and ask leading questions. It's too much, too soon.


Again -- you believe everything they say? Why?


You always assume your child is lying?
That's pretty messed up.

If you had an 8th grade girl, you would know that everything the pps are stating is happening, and much much more.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2015 19:10     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"

I'd be really happy if they date at twelve. It gives them time to explore relationships. I like the idea. We're not there yet, but I'm open so far. FWIW, I feel the same about DD ans DS.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2015 19:06     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:With all these 12 year olds dating, no wonder my dd came home from school yesterday laughing about a group of 7th grade girls who were complaining about how weird it felt to wear a thong with gym shorts.


My 8th grader talks about the pregnancies, the girls that do go on dates and how far they get. It is crazy how quickly these kids move.


And how does your 8th grader know about these things? From gossip? Which you believe?


Np here with an 8th grade girl ...girls brag about this stuff. I know girls as young as 10 with ask.fm accounts that answer all kinds of crazy stuff. I used to think it was the boys instigating all this stuff, but my 11 year old boy is aggressively pursued by girls who text, send semi-sexy selfies, and ask leading questions. It's too much, too soon.


Again -- you believe everything they say? Why?
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2015 10:44     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:With all these 12 year olds dating, no wonder my dd came home from school yesterday laughing about a group of 7th grade girls who were complaining about how weird it felt to wear a thong with gym shorts.


My 8th grader talks about the pregnancies, the girls that do go on dates and how far they get. It is crazy how quickly these kids move.


And how does your 8th grader know about these things? From gossip? Which you believe?


Np here with an 8th grade girl ...girls brag about this stuff. I know girls as young as 10 with ask.fm accounts that answer all kinds of crazy stuff. I used to think it was the boys instigating all this stuff, but my 11 year old boy is aggressively pursued by girls who text, send semi-sexy selfies, and ask leading questions. It's too much, too soon.
Anonymous
Post 05/24/2015 08:55     Subject: Does your 12 year old "date"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:With all these 12 year olds dating, no wonder my dd came home from school yesterday laughing about a group of 7th grade girls who were complaining about how weird it felt to wear a thong with gym shorts.


My 8th grader talks about the pregnancies, the girls that do go on dates and how far they get. It is crazy how quickly these kids move.


And how does your 8th grader know about these things? From gossip? Which you believe?