Anonymous wrote:I'm confused as to why you were able to quickly figure out why these parents disliked you (at first) but your SIL's boyfriend can't figure it out for himself?

Are they using their conditional acceptance of you as "proof" that they are not racist and it's all about him? If so, I think I would talk with my husband about it and maybe have a sit down together with this couple. Not to cause trouble but just to show your support for them...you've btdt and know what they are contending with,

OP here. I think another poster a few pages back nailed it: I am throwing his radar off. He sees that they have a black in law and we all seem to get along, so this means race can't be an issue, right? Of course, if he could read my mind or go back in time to see how things were when DH and I first started dating, he would quickly realize that race is the issue. I am not going to have a sitdown with SIL and her boyfriend because I realize I actually don't care enough to get involved. When I engage my in laws, it will be for my sake. As it is, we will probably be moving away from
them soon enough, so I might not have to waste my time trying to reeducate them.

I'm confused as to why you were able to quickly figure out why these parents disliked you (at first) but your SIL's boyfriend can't figure it out for himself?

Are they using their conditional acceptance of you as "proof" that they are not racist and it's all about him? If so, I think I would talk with my husband about it and maybe have a sit down together with this couple. Not to cause trouble but just to show your support for them...you've btdt and know what they are contending with,

Anonymous wrote:OP here: a related question is should I call them on their behavior/views?

OP, you specifically asked this question on page one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have decided not to tell my SIL's boyfriend what is really going on because I realize the truth is wasted on most people. I had an epiphany this past weekend when a relative who was recently told that her spouse was cheating started complaining bitterly about the people who told her, rather than about her cheating spouse. In an ideal world, SIL's boyfriend would make tracks before ending up with entitled racists as in laws, but in reality, I realize that most people are inclined to shoot the messenger when told things that hurt their feelings. My in laws don't have any control over me, so it is not as if they could really do anything to me if I told. I just can't be bothered with the drama though, so I am staying out of this.

It is so awesome for you that you recognize your superiority over other people in terms of looks, intelligence, and morals. And so great that you know it is not worth your time to try and better the world, even just the small world of your family. Rock on!

OP here. How is it bettering the world for me to end up embroiled in pointless drama?

If you cannot see the daylight between having a frank conversation with family about their views on race and being "embroiled in pointless drama" you may not be as evolved and intelligent as you claim to be.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you got lost along the way. Let me see if I can slow this discussion down and help you out: My question was in regards to telling SIL's boyfriend about the reason my in laws don't like him. This thread is not asking for advice on randomly confronting my in laws. So, your rant about confronting the family regarding race is not useful. Understood?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have decided not to tell my SIL's boyfriend what is really going on because I realize the truth is wasted on most people. I had an epiphany this past weekend when a relative who was recently told that her spouse was cheating started complaining bitterly about the people who told her, rather than about her cheating spouse. In an ideal world, SIL's boyfriend would make tracks before ending up with entitled racists as in laws, but in reality, I realize that most people are inclined to shoot the messenger when told things that hurt their feelings. My in laws don't have any control over me, so it is not as if they could really do anything to me if I told. I just can't be bothered with the drama though, so I am staying out of this.

It is so awesome for you that you recognize your superiority over other people in terms of looks, intelligence, and morals. And so great that you know it is not worth your time to try and better the world, even just the small world of your family. Rock on!

OP here. How is it bettering the world for me to end up embroiled in pointless drama?

If you cannot see the daylight between having a frank conversation with family about their views on race and being "embroiled in pointless drama" you may not be as evolved and intelligent as you claim to be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have decided not to tell my SIL's boyfriend what is really going on because I realize the truth is wasted on most people. I had an epiphany this past weekend when a relative who was recently told that her spouse was cheating started complaining bitterly about the people who told her, rather than about her cheating spouse. In an ideal world, SIL's boyfriend would make tracks before ending up with entitled racists as in laws, but in reality, I realize that most people are inclined to shoot the messenger when told things that hurt their feelings. My in laws don't have any control over me, so it is not as if they could really do anything to me if I told. I just can't be bothered with the drama though, so I am staying out of this.

It is so awesome for you that you recognize your superiority over other people in terms of looks, intelligence, and morals. And so great that you know it is not worth your time to try and better the world, even just the small world of your family. Rock on!

OP here. How is it bettering the world for me to end up embroiled in pointless drama?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have decided not to tell my SIL's boyfriend what is really going on because I realize the truth is wasted on most people. I had an epiphany this past weekend when a relative who was recently told that her spouse was cheating started complaining bitterly about the people who told her, rather than about her cheating spouse. In an ideal world, SIL's boyfriend would make tracks before ending up with entitled racists as in laws, but in reality, I realize that most people are inclined to shoot the messenger when told things that hurt their feelings. My in laws don't have any control over me, so it is not as if they could really do anything to me if I told. I just can't be bothered with the drama though, so I am staying out of this.

Also awesome for you that you found the one perfect gem raised in a family of terrible people and knowing that only you are evolved enough to handle it with grace! Clearly the boyfriend is mistaken if he sees any redeeming qualities in SIL that might make it worth it for him!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have decided not to tell my SIL's boyfriend what is really going on because I realize the truth is wasted on most people. I had an epiphany this past weekend when a relative who was recently told that her spouse was cheating started complaining bitterly about the people who told her, rather than about her cheating spouse. In an ideal world, SIL's boyfriend would make tracks before ending up with entitled racists as in laws, but in reality, I realize that most people are inclined to shoot the messenger when told things that hurt their feelings. My in laws don't have any control over me, so it is not as if they could really do anything to me if I told. I just can't be bothered with the drama though, so I am staying out of this.

It is so awesome for you that you recognize your superiority over other people in terms of looks, intelligence, and morals. And so great that you know it is not worth your time to try and better the world, even just the small world of your family. Rock on!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have decided not to tell my SIL's boyfriend what is really going on because I realize the truth is wasted on most people. I had an epiphany this past weekend when a relative who was recently told that her spouse was cheating started complaining bitterly about the people who told her, rather than about her cheating spouse. In an ideal world, SIL's boyfriend would make tracks before ending up with entitled racists as in laws, but in reality, I realize that most people are inclined to shoot the messenger when told things that hurt their feelings. My in laws don't have any control over me, so it is not as if they could really do anything to me if I told. I just can't be bothered with the drama though, so I am staying out of this.

Staying out of it is the best decision!

OP here. I have decided not to tell my SIL's boyfriend what is really going on because I realize the truth is wasted on most people. I had an epiphany this past weekend when a relative who was recently told that her spouse was cheating started complaining bitterly about the people who told her, rather than about her cheating spouse. In an ideal world, SIL's boyfriend would make tracks before ending up with entitled racists as in laws, but in reality, I realize that most people are inclined to shoot the messenger when told things that hurt their feelings. My in laws don't have any control over me, so it is not as if they could really do anything to me if I told. I just can't be bothered with the drama though, so I am staying out of this.

Anonymous wrote:OP why don't you call your in-laws on their racism first? Have you ever pointed out the hypocrisy/double-standard in how they view their kids' boyfriends/girlfriends and the impact of race? That is something worth asking them about: "Why are you so extra critical of the signif others of color? As long as the partner is white you don't care if they're unemployed? WHy is that?"

OP here. I already have the answer. They are racists. Like many Americans are. Before me, they didn't have any friends of color, avoided diverse neighborhoods, and had no interest at all in interacting with races and cultures not their own. Their son forced diversity into their lives by choosing me, but their feelings on race are unchanged. Diversity is one of those things that is nice over there, but not in their neighborhood and not in their family. I have had enough experience with them not to waste my time asking them questions I already know the answer to.

As for the DD's new BF, I don't know if I'd go all out and say all the parents are saying, but you can certainly share your experience and say maybe it's a similar dynamic.

By the way, just so you know OP, your description of your DH's sister is actually a bit judgemental too. Your description of her physical features and personality basically sound like you're saying "Hey, she's no prize, so why are the parents so picky?". Just sayin', be careful because there might be judgement flying around in this scenario from more angles than you realize.

That is exactly what I am saying about my SIL. It might be uncharitable of me to assess her frankly, but what I am saying is the truth. There is no way that they would ever think their daughter who is of uninspiring looks and unimpressive intelligence should land a handsome, brilliant white doctor. They only feel free to reach for the cream of the crop when that person is of color because they think people of color are lessened by their race. That is just the unvarnished truth of the situation.

OP why don't you call your in-laws on their racism first? Have you ever pointed out the hypocrisy/double-standard in how they view their kids' boyfriends/girlfriends and the impact of race? That is something worth asking them about: "Why are you so extra critical of the signif others of color? As long as the partner is white you don't care if they're unemployed? WHy is that?"

As for the DD's new BF, I don't know if I'd go all out and say all the parents are saying, but you can certainly share your experience and say maybe it's a similar dynamic.

By the way, just so you know OP, your description of your DH's sister is actually a bit judgemental too. Your description of her physical features and personality basically sound like you're saying "Hey, she's no prize, so why are the parents so picky?". Just sayin', be careful because there might be judgement flying around in this scenario from more angles than you realize.

If you enjoy opening cans of worms then wallowing in them by all means tell him.

I don't think you should tell him. I bet he already suspects, anyways and it's likely that your SIL will tell him. I would stay out of it.

OP ~ he asked, you have information, you should tell him
In one sentence. One sentence only.