Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your house huge and perfect? Sometimes people feel intimidated when they think their own home is too messy, not big enough or otherwise wanting.

+1 that's what I was thinking. Or, even if the home is modest, if it's "perfect"--no mess, etc. It raises the bar for the other couple. Mess up your place a little when you invite the next time.

This is true. I have a SAHM mom whom I love and they are awesome people, but her home is SPOTLESS and her food is AMAZING and her presentation is restaurant-like. When they come over, I feel so much stress from cleaning nonstop, trying to figure out the perfect menu, trying to make sure all the plates that match are clean, etc. I do reciprocate their offers, but I'm also much more likely to ask another friend of mine over who is equally messy as me (we're not slobs, but just... average?). I know I can tell her "hey come on over for some frozen TJ's snacks and some wine, but oh by the way, my kitchen is dirty and my living room has play dough and rice on the floor and I don't have time to clean it up before you come over."

OP here. I guess our house is pretty clean most of the time and then I step it up a notch when we expect company. Even when we don't have company, DH likes to keep a clean home. Our floors and carpets are always immaculate. I like to keep a clean kitchen. We make the kids clean up their art supplies and toys after they are done playing. When the kids wait for their friends to come over, I ask them to put away any stray toys while I prepare snacks and/or a meal depending on the time. I always put out a nice display of food. Maybe my efforts are backfiring on us. Even if we weren't expecting company, our house is clean. DH used to be a neat freak when we were dating. Our house is much bigger so everything can't be perfectly organized but it is always clean.

Yep. OP, my theory is they are intimidated. Get messy. If this makes you or your DH uncomfortable, then go clean it up and then stage a small mess. Remember, etiquette's overarching purpose is to make the OTHER person feel comfortable. LOL sometimes that requires a little out-of-the-box thinking. Give the mess idea a try and then report back to us!

Ditto all of this. For our first year in DC we had a 2 BR apartment that was ALWAYS messy, because we moved from somewhere where we had more space and even though we downsized, we clearly didn't downsize enough. We got invited several times to other people's houses and that was great. We took initiative with the families we hung out with to plan playdates, but they were either outside in public places, or to go to something together. If anyone asked we'd be clear it was because there really wasn't room to entertain at our place.

OP from what you've said, if I'd been to your clean house with the great spread of food, I'd have felt like we'd never measure up. That wouldn't stop me from suggesting other places ot socialize, but no, you wouldn't have been invited over. Interestingly, we were in the opposite position in our old town. We had a big house, although NOT immaculate... ever... LOL! But we loved having people over, invited people over a lot. People would often comment that they wished they had more space so they could entertain too, and we went out of our way to alway say "Oh, we love hanging out with you so much, we'd love to come over and I'm sure your place is great! No need to prepare anything, we love visiting with friends in their homes!" and many (not all) would eventually invite us over. We'd have a great time, tell them we enjoyed it, and say let's do it again. Then we were off to the races, we got plenty of invites!

Not only would I take PP's advice about not being such perfect hosts... I'd also pick one person who you really enjoy hanging out with and who's been over to your house repeatedly, and tell them you want to ask about something because you feel like you're doing something wrong. Tell her the situation in general, and ask for her thoughts and advice. Getting actual feedback is the best option of all, because then at least you know why one person is not inviting you over or what one person thinks of why other people aren't. It doesn't have to be a tense conversation, just ask lightly but let them know you feel funny asking but you're really worried you're doing something wrong so you'd like their advice. Good luck!

I don't live in DC anymore, but when I did we had more playdates. Maybe because most of our friends lived in somewhat comparable apartments or condos in the same relative areas (Kalorama, Adams Morgan, Dupont, Logan). Now, in the PNW...totally different. I've had people openly say things about the size, etc and of our house when over and compare it to theirs to the point that I feel uncomfortable. Is that why we don't get asked over to their houses in return? Hell if I know, but it is the only answer that keeps me from getting totally depressed about it...

After years of agonizing over this rubbish, I just don't bother any more. Trying to organize anything in this area is a pointless waste of time. It is an impersonal, transient area. There are no friends in this area, just "contacts".

PP, I'm the one you quoted and that sounds like what we do. My next door neighbors' kids come over daily and vice versa. The kids just go back and forth for hours after school or on weekends if we're all home. I don't even consider them playdates. DD has another friend whose family makes a big to-do of playdates. Their live in nanny cooks a meal (for the kids and adults), tends to us while we're there. I have started to avoid partially because I'm unwilling to reciprocate. It turns into an all-day affair. If I host, all of that is left to me to do. Plus, its difficult getting out after a couple hours so I know the family wouldn't read cues that a playdate is winding down at my place. My friends and I can truly unwind while the kids play at a public outing, so its pleasurable for all.

Anonymous wrote:We go to playdates at someone's home if invited, but I prefer to do them in public places. I really don't enjoy entertaining anyone at my home. Don't care to spend my weekends cleaning up anymore than I have to. My closest friends and I usually meet at Chick FilA with the kids or a park/playground if the weather is nice. So perhaps the other parents are like me?

We like meeting people outside of our home, too. I do initiate this and ask people along (whether it's adults getting together for dinner or fellow parents meeting to take our kids to play somewhere), and it seems to go well.

When I was growing up, we would have people over all the time. Like sometimes literally every day after school or over the summer friends would come over. And it would be like that with most of them too - we could drop by or call up on short notice. So when I found myself struggling to have our place "company ready" for weekends when neighbor kids like to get together, it occurred to me that the main difference in what I was always used to vs my life now - for me it's the kind of home I live in. It works for us and a lot of others live in this kind of place too, but not only is it small, it's also mostly an open floor plan. No more shutting the kitchen door on the mess while serving a meal to guests, and no more transferring a project in progress to a guest room to shut the door on it. It's all right there in the open for everyone to see (or for me to scramble to manage so they don't see). Also, no more powder room to reserve for company only - our 1 bathroom that the entire family uses, despite its regular cleanings, gets toothpaste splatters across the mirror the second I finish polishing it, etc.

In our life with a small child I always feel a little short handed in keeping up with things the way I would like them to be to feel really at ease having someone over. So these days the people we have over most are part of the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" group of neighbors. They've asked me to drop something off and I see their normally tidy place upside down and they don't care.

Having said all that, I also think that some people don't understand reciprocation because I've seen a lot of threads like this one come through.