Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 17:43     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
My teenager has a bad attitude and a temper and calls me a bitch sometimes. Just this morning she got angry that the online order for her prom dress didn't happen and she called me names. But she is also responsible, gets great grades, is ambitious. She is not having sex with her boyfriend yet and isn't planning to. She has never tried alcohol or drugs. She is a perfectionist and has an internship. She tells me everything. I know I am very lucky but I worry about her abusive nature. I do wonder if it comes from stress because she puts so much pressure on herself and is stressed about grades and SATs and college applications.


This sounds like my teenager's recent behavior, except that DC is not responsible, does not get grades, is not ambitious, does have sex, has done more than "tried" drugs, is not a perfectionist, does not have an internship, does not tell me everything, and does not care so much about SATs and college-related anything. It's as if DC has a checklist of things you hope your teenager won't do and checked all the boxes. Oh, and mine isn't permitted to attend prom. Still, being the target of your own kid's temper and bitchiness is no fun.

The only good news is that DC needed counseling and we found a good therapist on the first try and have reason to be optimistic. Obviously, not all kids who use drugs and do poorly in school have mental health issues and not all kids with mental health issues engage in these behaviors. I feel guilty because I just figured DC was just taking after my spouse who did a lot of this stuff as a teenager, but definitely had no underlying issues. Still, DC made some bad decisions that can't be blamed on those issues and has plenty of friends in therapy/on meds who continue to use drugs, blow off school, etc. I'm just trying my best to be patient.


PP, I love you!


Me too! I bet you are a great mom. Humor and perspective: Probably the two most important tools for parents of teens.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 17:40     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:My 18 year old ds wants to live with his father after hs graduation. The father I divorced partly because HE acts like an 18 year old.


Argh. That really sucks, PP.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 17:26     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
My 18 year old ds wants to live with his father after hs graduation. The father I divorced partly because HE acts like an 18 year old.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 16:57     Subject: Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:I love some of these recent threads. I've mentioned in threads before that my DD has excellent grades (straight A's highest level classes) but will call me names etc when she is angry. I have a great relationship with her generally speaking but whenever she does this I feel like a terrible mom. Usually when I post this, I am told that I am a horrible parent and that in other people's homes this isn't tolerated.



PP above. I would love to find out how exactly these people think you can control a teen. I am sure their children must be 100% perfect! I suppose I could punish her but she really doesn't care what I take away from her. She hardly uses her phone or her laptop except for homework. She just wants to draw and read and play her instrument in her spare time. Once I told her she could not have her boyfriend come over to visit and she was perfectly happy because she wanted an excuse not to see him. I am glad to hear I am not the only one who has a good kid with a bad temper. Any advice on how to handle it would be appreciated.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 16:45     Subject: Raising older teens is challenging
I love some of these recent threads. I've mentioned in threads before that my DD has excellent grades (straight A's highest level classes) but will call me names etc when she is angry. I have a great relationship with her generally speaking but whenever she does this I feel like a terrible mom. Usually when I post this, I am told that I am a horrible parent and that in other people's homes this isn't tolerated.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 16:30     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:
My teenager has a bad attitude and a temper and calls me a bitch sometimes. Just this morning she got angry that the online order for her prom dress didn't happen and she called me names. But she is also responsible, gets great grades, is ambitious. She is not having sex with her boyfriend yet and isn't planning to. She has never tried alcohol or drugs. She is a perfectionist and has an internship. She tells me everything. I know I am very lucky but I worry about her abusive nature. I do wonder if it comes from stress because she puts so much pressure on herself and is stressed about grades and SATs and college applications.


This sounds like my teenager's recent behavior, except that DC is not responsible, does not get grades, is not ambitious, does have sex, has done more than "tried" drugs, is not a perfectionist, does not have an internship, does not tell me everything, and does not care so much about SATs and college-related anything. It's as if DC has a checklist of things you hope your teenager won't do and checked all the boxes. Oh, and mine isn't permitted to attend prom. Still, being the target of your own kid's temper and bitchiness is no fun.

The only good news is that DC needed counseling and we found a good therapist on the first try and have reason to be optimistic. Obviously, not all kids who use drugs and do poorly in school have mental health issues and not all kids with mental health issues engage in these behaviors. I feel guilty because I just figured DC was just taking after my spouse who did a lot of this stuff as a teenager, but definitely had no underlying issues. Still, DC made some bad decisions that can't be blamed on those issues and has plenty of friends in therapy/on meds who continue to use drugs, blow off school, etc. I'm just trying my best to be patient.



I am the PP you quoted and I want to say thanks for helping me get this into perspective. I have a feeling you are a great mom and your DD is going to get through all of this with your support. I didn't want to complain on this thread because I have been lucky with DD in her teen years. I was just feeling horrible about the name calling and wondering what I should do about it. My girl has had a lot of struggles in her life. Her father died when she was little and she has Tourette Syndrome and OCD but the symptoms are almost all cleared up. She could hardly read until third grade and she had no friends in middle school. I have worried a LOT and right now I am breathing pretty easy. Somehow she pulled it all together and has great grades now. It seems that no parent gets out of this journey without a struggle. Hugs to you.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 15:06     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:
My teenager has a bad attitude and a temper and calls me a bitch sometimes. Just this morning she got angry that the online order for her prom dress didn't happen and she called me names. But she is also responsible, gets great grades, is ambitious. She is not having sex with her boyfriend yet and isn't planning to. She has never tried alcohol or drugs. She is a perfectionist and has an internship. She tells me everything. I know I am very lucky but I worry about her abusive nature. I do wonder if it comes from stress because she puts so much pressure on herself and is stressed about grades and SATs and college applications.


This sounds like my teenager's recent behavior, except that DC is not responsible, does not get grades, is not ambitious, does have sex, has done more than "tried" drugs, is not a perfectionist, does not have an internship, does not tell me everything, and does not care so much about SATs and college-related anything. It's as if DC has a checklist of things you hope your teenager won't do and checked all the boxes. Oh, and mine isn't permitted to attend prom. Still, being the target of your own kid's temper and bitchiness is no fun.

The only good news is that DC needed counseling and we found a good therapist on the first try and have reason to be optimistic. Obviously, not all kids who use drugs and do poorly in school have mental health issues and not all kids with mental health issues engage in these behaviors. I feel guilty because I just figured DC was just taking after my spouse who did a lot of this stuff as a teenager, but definitely had no underlying issues. Still, DC made some bad decisions that can't be blamed on those issues and has plenty of friends in therapy/on meds who continue to use drugs, blow off school, etc. I'm just trying my best to be patient.


PP, I love you!
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 15:06     Subject: Raising older teens is challenging
We've been through cutting and cyber bullying. She has run away briefly twice. She has learning disabilities that have led to mediocre grades and little interest in school. There have been days where she has said fewer than 10 words to me (all bad ones).

I'm almost afraid to post, but now at 18 DD will be attending a college that is a good fit for her next fall, she has a job, and is going to prom. She's not perfect, but things have gotten easier lately...although I realized her period was several weeks late recently (we share a bathroom) and started thinking all was gong unravel. Luckily, it arrived and I can exhale again.


Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 14:46     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
My teenager has a bad attitude and a temper and calls me a bitch sometimes. Just this morning she got angry that the online order for her prom dress didn't happen and she called me names. But she is also responsible, gets great grades, is ambitious. She is not having sex with her boyfriend yet and isn't planning to. She has never tried alcohol or drugs. She is a perfectionist and has an internship. She tells me everything. I know I am very lucky but I worry about her abusive nature. I do wonder if it comes from stress because she puts so much pressure on herself and is stressed about grades and SATs and college applications.


This sounds like my teenager's recent behavior, except that DC is not responsible, does not get grades, is not ambitious, does have sex, has done more than "tried" drugs, is not a perfectionist, does not have an internship, does not tell me everything, and does not care so much about SATs and college-related anything. It's as if DC has a checklist of things you hope your teenager won't do and checked all the boxes. Oh, and mine isn't permitted to attend prom. Still, being the target of your own kid's temper and bitchiness is no fun.

The only good news is that DC needed counseling and we found a good therapist on the first try and have reason to be optimistic. Obviously, not all kids who use drugs and do poorly in school have mental health issues and not all kids with mental health issues engage in these behaviors. I feel guilty because I just figured DC was just taking after my spouse who did a lot of this stuff as a teenager, but definitely had no underlying issues. Still, DC made some bad decisions that can't be blamed on those issues and has plenty of friends in therapy/on meds who continue to use drugs, blow off school, etc. I'm just trying my best to be patient.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 14:04     Subject: Raising older teens is challenging
My teenager has a bad attitude and a temper and calls me a bitch sometimes. Just this morning she got angry that the online order for her prom dress didn't happen and she called me names. But she is also responsible, gets great grades, is ambitious. She is not having sex with her boyfriend yet and isn't planning to. She has never tried alcohol or drugs. She is a perfectionist and has an internship. She tells me everything. I know I am very lucky but I worry about her abusive nature. I do wonder if it comes from stress because she puts so much pressure on herself and is stressed about grades and SATs and college applications.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 13:57     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:generally a pretty good kid, but made two poor choices about 2 years ago when he was 13 and just turned 14. poor choices came out of the blue and he has been doing well since, but I struggle with trusting him and forgiving him.


You need therapy. Seriously. I'm not being snarky, but this is not healthy on your part, and you MUST find a way to let it go.



I also can't trust my kid after making poor choices.


+1.

To the 2nd, PP: nobody is saying "I'll never let my kid out of the house again" or even that we're giving our kids weekly drug tests. Just that we're more vigilant now. If he comes home with red eyes, we're going to try to find out why. If an expensive gadget appears, we're going to try to find out why. No more just taking his word for it.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 13:54     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mine has had mental health issues emerge. I guess they often do during adolescence but we were utterly unprepared. She also continues to be argumentative and oppositional, now with attitude thanks to normal teen behavior. I have tried everything to get her help but she is unwilling to participate so nothing helps. Trying to figure out if meds are appropriate now. Have no good support to help in that decision. Ped is useless for mental health. We've paid big money for a supposed expert psychiatrist (who, of course, doesn't take insurance) but we have found her very useless.

I had no idea it would be this hard. I see those innocent posts from the Expecting board and remember those days. Can't believe they led here. Why do we have kids?


Switch psychiatrists. It took us FOUR before we found help and when we did it was life changing. Stick with it.


We got it on the third. I wish we had left the first two sooner. The third was similarly life changing.


We got it right the second time; DS loves his therapist and trusts him completely. We trust him too. The first therapist was almost sociopathic, I could tell you some stories about that guy that would make your hair curl. The psycho psychiatrists are out there!
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2015 22:17     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mine has had mental health issues emerge. I guess they often do during adolescence but we were utterly unprepared. She also continues to be argumentative and oppositional, now with attitude thanks to normal teen behavior. I have tried everything to get her help but she is unwilling to participate so nothing helps. Trying to figure out if meds are appropriate now. Have no good support to help in that decision. Ped is useless for mental health. We've paid big money for a supposed expert psychiatrist (who, of course, doesn't take insurance) but we have found her very useless.

I had no idea it would be this hard. I see those innocent posts from the Expecting board and remember those days. Can't believe they led here. Why do we have kids?


Switch psychiatrists. It took us FOUR before we found help and when we did it was life changing. Stick with it.


We got it on the third. I wish we had left the first two sooner. The third was similarly life changing.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2015 20:15     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:generally a pretty good kid, but made two poor choices about 2 years ago when he was 13 and just turned 14. poor choices came out of the blue and he has been doing well since, but I struggle with trusting him and forgiving him.


You need therapy. Seriously. I'm not being snarky, but this is not healthy on your part, and you MUST find a way to let it go.



I also can't trust my kid after making poor choices.


Once bitten twice shy.

Teens don't normally go from smoking pot to hanging with kids that don't smoke pot... It's a concern.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2015 20:12     Subject: Re:Raising older teens is challenging
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:generally a pretty good kid, but made two poor choices about 2 years ago when he was 13 and just turned 14. poor choices came out of the blue and he has been doing well since, but I struggle with trusting him and forgiving him.


You need therapy. Seriously. I'm not being snarky, but this is not healthy on your part, and you MUST find a way to let it go.



I also can't trust my kid after making poor choices.