Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.

but OP, this is like if you didn't exercise and then ran a 10K one day. you'd be saying "wow that was hard! I had to stop to walk all the time and now I am super sore and can barely move. Running is so hard." Well, ok, but you came it at pretty differently than everyone else out there did, so your experience is not exactly comparable. Of course if I take a day in my current life and compare it to a day from my pre-kid life it looks vastly different. But I didn't get there overnight, as you are advocating. Is it harder to keep a clean house and keep a relationship with your husband and maintain your energy level? of course. but you get a lot of practice by the time you have kids as old as the ones you watched.

Seriously? There are thousands of posts on DCUM from parents complaining about every single thing on that list.
Hard is hard. Doesn't matter when you come into it.

I think you are forgetting a lot about the acclimation process. And since when is "volume of posts on DCUM" a valid measure of a phenomenon?

I must be wrong. I mistook thousands of posts about the trials and tribulations of childrearing to be a representation of how people feel about it.
I addressed the acclimation process. The things on that list will be equally as sucky no matter what point you're at in the process.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the experience helped confirm OP and her DH's pre-existing desire. uh, good for them I guess? As for the generic advice to try childcare first, it falls flat to me. If the amount of work little kids take is enough to switch someone from wanting to not wanting kids, then they wanted them for the wrong reasons.

You just proved her point by proving your point. Some people do want kids for the wrong reasons and probably shouldn't have kids. Not all but there are a good chunk of people who want kids for the worst reasons and everybody ends up sacrificing and not living life as they should so it doesn't necessarily fall flat but I do what you mean though.

Of course, but the only wrong reason that a week with someone else's kids is going to address is "it's nbd to raise kids." I doubt that is the most common "wrong" reason.

I think most often the "wrong" reason is to fix a relationship, and in a relationship that needs repair you wouldn't even be able to get the "live with kids for a week" experiment off the ground anyway. And even if you could, people will only draw the lessons from the experience that they want to draw--as OP and her DH did.

How did that experience convey that it's no big deal to have kids?
It seems as though a week spent caring for children conveyed the message that it is a huge deal to have children.
There are many wrong reasons, including the though that children will somehow make your life worth living.
If your life isn't worth living before you have children, you should wait until it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.

but OP, this is like if you didn't exercise and then ran a 10K one day. you'd be saying "wow that was hard! I had to stop to walk all the time and now I am super sore and can barely move. Running is so hard." Well, ok, but you came it at pretty differently than everyone else out there did, so your experience is not exactly comparable. Of course if I take a day in my current life and compare it to a day from my pre-kid life it looks vastly different. But I didn't get there overnight, as you are advocating. Is it harder to keep a clean house and keep a relationship with your husband and maintain your energy level? of course. but you get a lot of practice by the time you have kids as old as the ones you watched.

Seriously? There are thousands of posts on DCUM from parents complaining about every single thing on that list.
Hard is hard. Doesn't matter when you come into it.

I think you are forgetting a lot about the acclimation process. And since when is "volume of posts on DCUM" a valid measure of a phenomenon?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the experience helped confirm OP and her DH's pre-existing desire. uh, good for them I guess? As for the generic advice to try childcare first, it falls flat to me. If the amount of work little kids take is enough to switch someone from wanting to not wanting kids, then they wanted them for the wrong reasons.

You just proved her point by proving your point. Some people do want kids for the wrong reasons and probably shouldn't have kids. Not all but there are a good chunk of people who want kids for the worst reasons and everybody ends up sacrificing and not living life as they should so it doesn't necessarily fall flat but I do what you mean though.

Of course, but the only wrong reason that a week with someone else's kids is going to address is "it's nbd to raise kids." I doubt that is the most common "wrong" reason.

I think most often the "wrong" reason is to fix a relationship, and in a relationship that needs repair you wouldn't even be able to get the "live with kids for a week" experiment off the ground anyway. And even if you could, people will only draw the lessons from the experience that they want to draw--as OP and her DH did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also just want to say that although unlike you I will never again go to sleep at night without wondering about my children, and I'll never stop living with the fear that bad things will one day happen to them and I can't stop them, my children are so much more than the things I will never have because of them. They made me the person I was supposed to be. Having kids deepens your compassion because suddenly in every human you see the possibility of that being your child. You know they too had a mother. You look at your child doing something and it blows you away and you realize wow, if I feel this about MY kid, my mom felt that way about ME. Their love is unconditional which makes you work that much harder to earn it, so they can be proud to say of you "That's MY MOM!" I would not be half the woman I am today if I had never had my kids. I can't imagine trading that in for brunch and some extra sleep.

Oh please. Don't trivialise someone's life choices by saying it's just "brunch and some extra sleep."
Her life choices are no less valid or important than yours.
I could say that you are sacrificing your independence and freedom for some shitty diapers and drool. How does that feel?

It doesn't make me feel anything. I'm not trying to trivialize her choices but those are literally the reasons she gave for why she doesn't have kids, which is why I used them.

Just because you've had a positive experience with motherhood, doesn't mean that someone's decision not to procreate is somehow beneath yours.
You're implying that that choice is somehow wrong by saying that motherhood is being traded in for extra sleep and brunch.
It's beyond brunch and naps. The decision not to become a mother is about embracing your independence. It's about having a life that is meaningful without children. It's about embracing who you are and exploring what you are capable of. I defend your choice to have children. Please do the same for others.

I do! I can't remember which time stamps here are my other post but BOTH tell OP she's not wrong and I think her choice is valid... But was simply offering a perspective of how the experience with your own kids vastly differs from your experience with others' kids. All I was trying to tell her was to assume she knows how she would feel about motherhood based on a week with her nephews is a fallacy. Being childless is totally valid... But she might also enjoy it with her own kids.

Anonymous wrote:But if everyone took this approach, the human race would end. Getting through those tough early years is a necessary evil that the majority of us should be going through.

Um, we are in no danger of the human race ending...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also just want to say that although unlike you I will never again go to sleep at night without wondering about my children, and I'll never stop living with the fear that bad things will one day happen to them and I can't stop them, my children are so much more than the things I will never have because of them. They made me the person I was supposed to be. Having kids deepens your compassion because suddenly in every human you see the possibility of that being your child. You know they too had a mother. You look at your child doing something and it blows you away and you realize wow, if I feel this about MY kid, my mom felt that way about ME. Their love is unconditional which makes you work that much harder to earn it, so they can be proud to say of you "That's MY MOM!" I would not be half the woman I am today if I had never had my kids. I can't imagine trading that in for brunch and some extra sleep.

Oh please. Don't trivialise someone's life choices by saying it's just "brunch and some extra sleep."
Her life choices are no less valid or important than yours.
I could say that you are sacrificing your independence and freedom for some shitty diapers and drool. How does that feel?

It doesn't make me feel anything. I'm not trying to trivialize her choices but those are literally the reasons she gave for why she doesn't have kids, which is why I used them.

Just because you've had a positive experience with motherhood, doesn't mean that someone's decision not to procreate is somehow beneath yours.
You're implying that that choice is somehow wrong by saying that motherhood is being traded in for extra sleep and brunch.
It's beyond brunch and naps. The decision not to become a mother is about embracing your independence. It's about having a life that is meaningful without children. It's about embracing who you are and exploring what you are capable of. I defend your choice to have children. Please do the same for others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.

And yet BILLIONS of people manage to have and raise kids successfully! They even manage to have nice houses and maintain their marriages! While working full-time!

If you can stop being such a princess crybaby for a minute, you should think about that. Are you really so fragile that you can't do something that billions of people throughout history have routinely done?

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.

Parents care less than you do about messes and having nice furniture. Plus, you grow into having a 6 and 2.5 year old around. They start as immobile babies.

There are some key differences between taking care of other people's kids for a week and your own....

Unless you have multiples, with your own children, you start off with just one. You see how it goes. You assess the situation, you then decide if you want the second kid, etc.

Long term care is different than short term care, in that you will have a system in place with long term care:

You have your lifestyle set up to accomodate kids. If you are the type who needs regular breaks, you have that weekly/biweekly babysitter to relieve you. You have a gym with childcare, etc. You will trade babysitting/slumber parties with other parents. You and your spouse will give each other breaks.

Your furniture is chosen with kids in mind, you don't have to worry as much about damage because you've chosen sturdy/safe, likely inexpensive furniture knowing that you would have kids.

The mess is better contained if your house is set up for it. We have bins, bins, and more bins.

The kids are more apt to play independently if they have all their toys around versus living in your child free home.

And in some ways, taking care of your own kids will be harder: shuttling to birthday parties, sport activities, doctor appointments, medical issues, etc.

Honestly, I think people who are unsure shouldn't have kids. Kids are a tremendous amount of work if you try your best as a parent. Even though I love my children and wouldn't think twice about risking my life for theirs, I do miss the freedom of my childfree life. Just getting out the door and crossing the street is a big to-do until they are capable of looking both ways.

Anonymous wrote:I also just want to say that although unlike you I will never again go to sleep at night without wondering about my children, and I'll never stop living with the fear that bad things will one day happen to them and I can't stop them, my children are so much more than the things I will never have because of them. They made me the person I was supposed to be. Having kids deepens your compassion because suddenly in every human you see the possibility of that being your child. You know they too had a mother. You look at your child doing something and it blows you away and you realize wow, if I feel this about MY kid, my mom felt that way about ME. Their love is unconditional which makes you work that much harder to earn it, so they can be proud to say of you "That's MY MOM!" I would not be half the woman I am today if I had never had my kids. I can't imagine trading that in for brunch and some extra sleep.

Wow that is so sweet. Your kids are fortunate to have you for a Mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also just want to say that although unlike you I will never again go to sleep at night without wondering about my children, and I'll never stop living with the fear that bad things will one day happen to them and I can't stop them, my children are so much more than the things I will never have because of them. They made me the person I was supposed to be. Having kids deepens your compassion because suddenly in every human you see the possibility of that being your child. You know they too had a mother. You look at your child doing something and it blows you away and you realize wow, if I feel this about MY kid, my mom felt that way about ME. Their love is unconditional which makes you work that much harder to earn it, so they can be proud to say of you "That's MY MOM!" I would not be half the woman I am today if I had never had my kids. I can't imagine trading that in for brunch and some extra sleep.

Oh please. Don't trivialise someone's life choices by saying it's just "brunch and some extra sleep."
Her life choices are no less valid or important than yours.
I could say that you are sacrificing your independence and freedom for some shitty diapers and drool. How does that feel?

It doesn't make me feel anything. I'm not trying to trivialize her choices but those are literally the reasons she gave for why she doesn't have kids, which is why I used them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh stop trying to shame the OP, Carl Sagan. Yes, many people raise children and do all those things. But not everyone and raising children is not for everyone. OP is trying to say, some people are better off not having children and if they had really experienced some of those things might have made a better decision not to have children. Just because everyone else does something, does not mean that it is right for the individual.

She should be ashamed of herself. Anyone who does not have children for such puny, weak-minded reasons is a total failure as a human being.

What is she doing with her time now? Watching TV and surfing the web in her pristine house? Yaay for her. She can look back on that from her deathbed with great satisfaction. Too bad there won't be any children or grandchildren to comfort her.

I think the bigger question is why are you so angry at a person who has no bearing on your life. It's one thing to have an opinion like most people here but you seem to base your happiness or unhappiness on something that an internet person has said and that may just make you a total failure as a human being.

Anonymous wrote:I also just want to say that although unlike you I will never again go to sleep at night without wondering about my children, and I'll never stop living with the fear that bad things will one day happen to them and I can't stop them, my children are so much more than the things I will never have because of them. They made me the person I was supposed to be. Having kids deepens your compassion because suddenly in every human you see the possibility of that being your child. You know they too had a mother. You look at your child doing something and it blows you away and you realize wow, if I feel this about MY kid, my mom felt that way about ME. Their love is unconditional which makes you work that much harder to earn it, so they can be proud to say of you "That's MY MOM!" I would not be half the woman I am today if I had never had my kids. I can't imagine trading that in for brunch and some extra sleep.

Oh please. Don't trivialise someone's life choices by saying it's just "brunch and some extra sleep."
Her life choices are no less valid or important than yours.
I could say that you are sacrificing your independence and freedom for some shitty diapers and drool. How does that feel?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh stop trying to shame the OP, Carl Sagan. Yes, many people raise children and do all those things. But not everyone and raising children is not for everyone. OP is trying to say, some people are better off not having children and if they had really experienced some of those things might have made a better decision not to have children. Just because everyone else does something, does not mean that it is right for the individual.

She should be ashamed of herself. Anyone who does not have children for such puny, weak-minded reasons is a total failure as a human being.

What is she doing with her time now? Watching TV and surfing the web in her pristine house? Yaay for her. She can look back on that from her deathbed with great satisfaction. Too bad there won't be any children or grandchildren to comfort her.

Again, step away from the wine.