Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop pushing her. Stop comparing her to her brother. I agree with you on the screen time. She needs to relearn how to be creative again. She became too dependent on the screen. Give her a hug every day and tell her that you love her. Adolescence is tough.

OP here. Ok, so here's my next question. Is there something I should do to help her relearn how to be creative. This is a serious question. I am realizing that I really don't have the skills to parent her (sort of joking here, but not really). I am the youngest of 3 sisters, and my parents were extremely hands-off when it came to me (mainly b/c my two older sisters had lots of issues and needed a lot of attention) but whether it was nature or nurture, I was very self-motivated. I sort of bitterly joke that I was raised by wolves so I don't have good parenting role models. Anyway....the point is, I feel very unsure of how much to let her relearn this by herself, versus how much I should do it with her. I want her to be more independent and not need me to entertain her when she doesn't have a screen to stare at, but I also want to be there for her. Argh. I feel like I sound like a lunatic. It's just that between all the blog posts that say let your kids roam free and have a 70's era childhood and all the blogs that say the more quality time you spend with your kids the better, I am suffering from a lot of mixed messages and it's coming through in my crappy parenting.

Seriously. Are u my twin. I have a 10 yr old that is exactly like this. I am the 3rd daughter to my parents facing the same issue. Sounds creepy but true

OP, she sounds a lot like my DD (now 13) at that age.

If a 10 y.o. likes CNN, she is certainly showing an interest in the world around her. Most likely, she also has empathy. maybe she doesn't show it, but I don't think she would want to hear those stries if it didn't touch her. I think it's wonderful that she is interested in current affairs. Go with that! maybe point her toward a source you are more comfortable with. My kids watch CNN Student News at school. Would she be interested it that?

DO NOT go around signing her up for various camps/clinics/activities. She does not sound like a kid who would enjoy that. If other pps are suggesting that as a way to make friends, I don't think it would work. These short term activities rarely lead to real friendships. If she likes something enough to really sink her teeth into, look for a way for her to find her like-minded people that way. For example, you mentioned basketball. IF she likes bball enough to spend a lot of time on it, maybe you could sign her up for a traveling team or something. These teams spend a lot of time together and tend to become very close.

My DD also likes to spend lots of time on her phone/screens. She has actually learned some pretty cool skills from it. your dd probably has too. For example, my dd loves to use different apps to make graphics. They call them "edits". She is really good at it! She has been able to use those skills several times for class projects. Her teachers and classmates were quite impressed. Her friends frequently ask her to make edits for them. It has been a confidence booster, and now she thinks she wants to become a graphic designer.

Look for ways to find her something to do, but keep it low key and subtle! My dd was never a kid who liked to make an event of baking or cooking with me, her grandmas, or anyone else. My other 2 kids like it, but she never did. But she has discovered that she likes to make cookies. I didn't go sign us up for a mother/daughter baking class. I just make sure to buy her ingredients. When she wants to bake, I stay out of her way. She prefers to do it by herself. Which is fine. I've never liked cooking or baking alongside other people (besides my kids) either. now she's showing interest in cooking/baking other things. Dd has also never liked to have an organized arts and crafts time. She likes to draw or create on her own though. maybe your dd would like to create on her own too? I just buy her supplies, such as colored pencils, sketch book, a big set of colorful fine-tip sharpies. She also really likes scrap booking, so I buy her scrap booking supplies and give her photos to use. Again, she would not enjoy scrap booking with anyone else.

she used to wine and complain a lot when she would have to go along for family activities, such as hiking, riding bikes, etc. So I stopped making her go. I would just tell her that we were going and asked her if she wanted to go. She said no a few times and regretted it each time! She realized she did not like being home my herself while the rest of us are out doing something. I still give her a choice, but she always wants to go.

So, anyway, I just think some kids need space. She will come around, but she needs to do so in her own time. Follow her lead.

OP here, just wanted to say thank you for the additional responses, they are all appreciated. I won't go back and respond individually but one thing that's really resonating is for me to not see screens as the mortal enemy and to engage her in that way. I did have to chime in and say that I don't watch CNN. I pretty much get my news from the daily show. But I hear what you're all saying about not shying away from letting her watch the news although I think starting with the newspaper might be more comfortable. And I really truly appreciate all the PPs who have been so kind about my particular brand of koo-koo ness. . The responses here have been so helpful in so many ways, I'm really grateful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she likes cooking but you haven't signed her up for any cooking classes or cooked with her? You can't make someone creative. They either have it or don't.

No, I hadn't signed her up for classes. She and my son are in aftercare every day, and on the weekends she has Hebrew school and girl scouts and didn't want to do another class. But i'm not sure if I really believe that you can't make someone creative. I think some people are naturally creative and seek opportunities to create and other people need opportunities handed to them and have it sort of spoon-fed, and if that's not done, then it won't come out. I think my DD falls into the latter category and I need to man-up and do some spoon feeding even though it's not in my nature.

OP, you've been hard enough on yourself already, so please don't worry about the PPs blaming you. Parenting is not an easy job, solutions aren't always obvious, and time restraints are a big deal. Your heart is obviously in the right place and the fact that your taking the time to post here, read all the responses, etc, shows that you're trying. You also seem very self aware that there are things you can step up a bit to help your daughter along, so good for you. Creativity comes in many forms, and baking/cooking can be a path to a lot of creativity. Start with basic recipes, but then encourage her to mix things up, add her own twist, etc. Maybe she would enjoy a chore like cooking dinner for the family once a week, or baking dessert? You could even add an allowance incentive for it or make it into a game like your baking challenge... each family member is a judge and the best chef of the week earns some type of prize? By focusing on normal mealtimes, it might be easier to fit it into your schedule and make a routine of it, rather than a one-off activity.

Please don't ban all screen time!! You'll end up antagonizing her and make things worse. Plus, we all know forbidding things makes them more exciting.

I looked up Dragonville and found this review: "A whopping 270 puzzles of various types and difficulties; up to 20 hours of gameplay; attractive graphics; many locations and characters; engaging heroine."

Maybe you need to be a little more open minded about her activities? Puzzle games can be very productive, and she may be the type of kid who 10 years ago would be doing crosswords and Sodoku - times change. Why don't you try playing with her one day? If she really loves games, there are tons of age-appropriate resources that she could use to learn to program and build games herself. She might enjoy some of the resources in this article: http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/20-resources-for-teaching-kids-how-to-program-code-200374

Her interest in the news isn't completely alarming to me. Kids often have a hard time grasping the reality of situations that they aren't directly exposed to. Combine that with the violence, etc, in our TV shows and movies and I can see why she calls it "fun." I would embrace the fact that she finds the news entertaining, encourage her to learn more about the news stories that really grab her interest. For example, if she's really drawn to stories about conditions in other countries, encourage her to do more research into those countries, learn the history, culture, maybe even the language.

I think your best bet is to take the interests she is showing, and try to find ways to make those interests more interactive and productive for her. You can't change her, so embrace the things she likes and find ways to make them more fulfilling. It will probably help a lot for you to do things with her - play her games, watch and discuss the news, etc... it will probably help you feel better and help her think more critically about things.

In the end, while I understand your concerns, I think you can relax a little bit. The world is different now than when we were growing up, and she might be more productive/creative than you realize just because you don't fully understand what she's doing.

If you are worried that she may be depressed or struggling with some mental illness or developmental challenges, therapy is definitely an option, but I would be careful about how you present it. It's probably better for both of you to go together, and frame it as a family communication thing rather than a "something is wrong with you thing." Coming from someone who was forced into therapy because my mom didn't really get me or know what to do with me, she's not going to get much from therapy if it feels forced. Find a way to make it her decision, or give her some control over it, and it will be much more productive. Maybe tell her what you told us, "I'm feeling insecure about my own parenting skills, given that I didn't have great role models growing up. I want to connect with you and think it would be really helpful if we talked to a third party together. Would you be willing to come with me for an hour a week?"

On a different note... OP, I want to encourage you to go easy on yourself. You are obviously trying hard to be a good parent, and that's all any of us can say. I too struggle with trying to parent in a different way than I was parented (I wasn't "raised by wolves" but I think I get where you're coming from), and I sometimes feel anxious and unhappy about the ways in which I'm failing and tell myself I'm letting my kids down. But really, it's hard, and we do our best, and just as there are no perfect people, there's no way to be a perfect parent. So don't bash yourself and try to stay positive.

Daughter isn't like me enough, so I take away the things she enjoys (tech, screen time) and vilify them.

OP, how much CNN do you watch? Maybe your daughter is trying to spend time with you, and that's where you are when you're "available." I watched an awful lot of football with my dad for the same reason.

All the pps on this thread vilifying tech and screentime, while on a website and using tech, are a few fries short of a happy meal. If the girl likes tech, listen to the very sane pps who have suggested coding classes, etc. Play Robot Turtles or some other coding-centered game as a family. Support her interests!

Meet her where she is instead of demanding she do things the way you like best, OP. Maybe YOU should take some empathy classes!