Anonymous
03/27/2015 16:59
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have been nearly as nice as you were OP. Bottom line, you aren't crazy to be upset. She crossed several lines tonight.
OMG you people and your "boundary" issues!
OP, you are long winded and obviously dull with the minute attention to details that don't matter. In a word--unclench.
How do you get through basic life? Gee wilikers, if you can't handle saying no to a 3 year old about the park without it being a big production you should re-think any future children.
OMG YES!!!!!!
why is this even I your radar ?!!!!!!!
Anonymous
03/27/2015 14:09
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.
I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.
The MIL DID give notice!
And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?
No....the DH relented! There is a difference.
He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.
So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.
So MIL being pushy and not taking "no" for an answer is o.k,? You think that Op should just suck it up and accept that that's just the way it's going to be? It sounds as though Op's dh was caught in the middle - afraid to tell his mom "No. You can't come over now" and afraid to tell his wife that Mom was on the way because he knew that would tick his wife off. And it did.
You guys cannot have it both ways. 90% of the people on here say that everyone should deal with their own parents. Here, OP's DH GAVE PERMISSION for his mother to swing by. I do not care if she was pushy or not, he is supposed to be able to hold the line with his own mother. If he will not or cannot, OP's issue should be with him. IMO, you can be mad for her wanting to come by and see her family or you can be mad at him for not having the balls to tell her firmly no. I choose to take issue with the person who is supposed to enforce the boundaries that we mutally set. To each her own.
MIL is responsible for being a pushy pain. She is. Op's dh needs to deal with her but that doesn't mean that the MIL is not responsible for her own behavior. I have sons and I can not imagine putting them in that position and I hope and pray that I have the wisdom not to.
Put him in what position? Come on. I know that most of you are anti-MIL, but this MIL does NOT sound like a pushy pain to me and I KNOW what pushy pain MIL is.
To clarify...
Not Pushy: "Hi, son. Would now be a good time for me to pop by and get that casserole dish?"
"No, not now we're in the middle of some things."
"O.k., when would be a good time then?"
Pushy: "Hi, son. I'm on my way over to get that casserole dish. 'Kay?"
"Uh, um this is not really a good time"
"Well, I'm almost there now. Can I drop by or not?"
"Uh, um, I guess"
In one situation you are *asking* if you can come over in the other situation you are *informing* that you ARE coming over. See the difference?
LOL! This may be the way that my family communicates, but neither one of those exchanges would bother me one bit or deter my DH from saying emphatically "Mom, do NOT come over here today. I will call you tomorrow." And TBH, if my DH "permitted" his mom to come by, I would not be on here saying that MIL was at fault. I would be talking to him about being more resolute with her.
That's fine though. We are both entitled to our way of doing things. I expect my MIL to respect our marriage but, like I said in another post, we are a pretty "live and let live" type of family. We don't step lightly and kiss her butt and she does not step lightly or kiss our butt. She is our family and, since she is widowed and we are her closest family, we give her wide berth - and I insisted on that. Better than her sitting at her house all alone. But like I said, we all have our way.
Anonymous
03/27/2015 13:06
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.
I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.
The MIL DID give notice!
And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?
No....the DH relented! There is a difference.
He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.
So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.
So MIL being pushy and not taking "no" for an answer is o.k,? You think that Op should just suck it up and accept that that's just the way it's going to be? It sounds as though Op's dh was caught in the middle - afraid to tell his mom "No. You can't come over now" and afraid to tell his wife that Mom was on the way because he knew that would tick his wife off. And it did.
You guys cannot have it both ways. 90% of the people on here say that everyone should deal with their own parents. Here, OP's DH GAVE PERMISSION for his mother to swing by. I do not care if she was pushy or not, he is supposed to be able to hold the line with his own mother. If he will not or cannot, OP's issue should be with him. IMO, you can be mad for her wanting to come by and see her family or you can be mad at him for not having the balls to tell her firmly no. I choose to take issue with the person who is supposed to enforce the boundaries that we mutally set. To each her own.
MIL is responsible for being a pushy pain. She is. Op's dh needs to deal with her but that doesn't mean that the MIL is not responsible for her own behavior. I have sons and I can not imagine putting them in that position and I hope and pray that I have the wisdom not to.
Put him in what position? Come on. I know that most of you are anti-MIL, but this MIL does NOT sound like a pushy pain to me and I KNOW what pushy pain MIL is.
To clarify...
Not Pushy: "Hi, son. Would now be a good time for me to pop by and get that casserole dish?"
"No, not now we're in the middle of some things."
"O.k., when would be a good time then?"
Pushy: "Hi, son. I'm on my way over to get that casserole dish. 'Kay?"
"Uh, um this is not really a good time"
"Well, I'm almost there now. Can I drop by or not?"
"Uh, um, I guess"
In one situation you are *asking* if you can come over in the other situation you are *informing* that you ARE coming over. See the difference?
+100000000 asking vs informing
Anonymous
03/27/2015 12:48
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
BTW - I am not "anti MIL" at all. I have no reason to be. In fact, one day I hope to be one myself 
. I just know that I'll be the type to respect the marriages of my kids.
. I just know that I'll be the type to respect the marriages of my kids.
Anonymous
03/27/2015 12:42
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
^And you can bet that most of the other conversations go this way. She doesn't really ask, she TELLS - and you are supposed to agree.
Anonymous
03/27/2015 12:39
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.
I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.
The MIL DID give notice!
And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?
No....the DH relented! There is a difference.
He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.
So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.
So MIL being pushy and not taking "no" for an answer is o.k,? You think that Op should just suck it up and accept that that's just the way it's going to be? It sounds as though Op's dh was caught in the middle - afraid to tell his mom "No. You can't come over now" and afraid to tell his wife that Mom was on the way because he knew that would tick his wife off. And it did.
You guys cannot have it both ways. 90% of the people on here say that everyone should deal with their own parents. Here, OP's DH GAVE PERMISSION for his mother to swing by. I do not care if she was pushy or not, he is supposed to be able to hold the line with his own mother. If he will not or cannot, OP's issue should be with him. IMO, you can be mad for her wanting to come by and see her family or you can be mad at him for not having the balls to tell her firmly no. I choose to take issue with the person who is supposed to enforce the boundaries that we mutally set. To each her own.
MIL is responsible for being a pushy pain. She is. Op's dh needs to deal with her but that doesn't mean that the MIL is not responsible for her own behavior. I have sons and I can not imagine putting them in that position and I hope and pray that I have the wisdom not to.
Put him in what position? Come on. I know that most of you are anti-MIL, but this MIL does NOT sound like a pushy pain to me and I KNOW what pushy pain MIL is.
To clarify...
Not Pushy: "Hi, son. Would now be a good time for me to pop by and get that casserole dish?"
"No, not now we're in the middle of some things."
"O.k., when would be a good time then?"
Pushy: "Hi, son. I'm on my way over to get that casserole dish. 'Kay?"
"Uh, um this is not really a good time"
"Well, I'm almost there now. Can I drop by or not?"
"Uh, um, I guess"
In one situation you are *asking* if you can come over in the other situation you are *informing* that you ARE coming over. See the difference?
Anonymous
03/27/2015 12:29
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
So you are just determined to see trouble in any MIL interaction and it is always going to be MIL's fault. I'm out.
Anonymous
03/27/2015 12:28
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.
I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.
The MIL DID give notice!
And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?
No....the DH relented! There is a difference.
He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.
So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.
So MIL being pushy and not taking "no" for an answer is o.k,? You think that Op should just suck it up and accept that that's just the way it's going to be? It sounds as though Op's dh was caught in the middle - afraid to tell his mom "No. You can't come over now" and afraid to tell his wife that Mom was on the way because he knew that would tick his wife off. And it did.
You guys cannot have it both ways. 90% of the people on here say that everyone should deal with their own parents. Here, OP's DH GAVE PERMISSION for his mother to swing by. I do not care if she was pushy or not, he is supposed to be able to hold the line with his own mother. If he will not or cannot, OP's issue should be with him. IMO, you can be mad for her wanting to come by and see her family or you can be mad at him for not having the balls to tell her firmly no. I choose to take issue with the person who is supposed to enforce the boundaries that we mutally set. To each her own.
MIL is responsible for being a pushy pain. She is. Op's dh needs to deal with her but that doesn't mean that the MIL is not responsible for her own behavior. I have sons and I can not imagine putting them in that position and I hope and pray that I have the wisdom not to.
Put him in what position? Come on. I know that most of you are anti-MIL, but this MIL does NOT sound like a pushy pain to me and I KNOW what pushy pain MIL is.
Anonymous
03/27/2015 12:28
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand all that you are saying and feeling. But, I personally would not be upset at all. I'd be delighted to see my MIL at almost any moment. I'm thrilled that she loves my kids and they love her. Want to take them to the park for an hour, give me an hour off and buy me dinner??? BONUS! Send your MIL to my house next time.
Please try to be nicer to her. Someday your son will marry a woman.... treat your MIL the way you would want that woman to treat you.
god i hate this person who always enters every thread. "someday you will be the mil!"
+ 1,000
Anonymous
03/27/2015 12:15
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
I wouldn't be mad at MIL for coming over b/c she did tell your DH who forgot to tell you. I'd be upset that she assumed she was staying for dinner though. Sounds like she needs to be reminded by your DH about boundaries.
Anonymous
03/27/2015 11:41
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand all that you are saying and feeling. But, I personally would not be upset at all. I'd be delighted to see my MIL at almost any moment. I'm thrilled that she loves my kids and they love her. Want to take them to the park for an hour, give me an hour off and buy me dinner??? BONUS! Send your MIL to my house next time.
Please try to be nicer to her. Someday your son will marry a woman.... treat your MIL the way you would want that woman to treat you.
god i hate this person who always enters every thread. "someday you will be the mil!"
Not all moms/MILs are pushy, intrusive PITAs who can't take "no" for an answer. Some are actually considerate, helpful and easy to live close to.
+1. And believe it or not, in some rare cases, the DIL is the problem.
Oh I'm sure that's true. But in this situation MIL is the one dropping by Op's house and inviting herself to stay for dinner..
Anonymous
03/27/2015 11:39
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.
I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.
The MIL DID give notice!
And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?
No....the DH relented! There is a difference.
He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.
So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.
So MIL being pushy and not taking "no" for an answer is o.k,? You think that Op should just suck it up and accept that that's just the way it's going to be? It sounds as though Op's dh was caught in the middle - afraid to tell his mom "No. You can't come over now" and afraid to tell his wife that Mom was on the way because he knew that would tick his wife off. And it did.
You guys cannot have it both ways. 90% of the people on here say that everyone should deal with their own parents. Here, OP's DH GAVE PERMISSION for his mother to swing by. I do not care if she was pushy or not, he is supposed to be able to hold the line with his own mother. If he will not or cannot, OP's issue should be with him. IMO, you can be mad for her wanting to come by and see her family or you can be mad at him for not having the balls to tell her firmly no. I choose to take issue with the person who is supposed to enforce the boundaries that we mutally set. To each her own.
MIL is responsible for being a pushy pain. She is. Op's dh needs to deal with her but that doesn't mean that the MIL is not responsible for her own behavior. I have sons and I can not imagine putting them in that position and I hope and pray that I have the wisdom not to.
Anonymous
03/27/2015 11:35
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand all that you are saying and feeling. But, I personally would not be upset at all. I'd be delighted to see my MIL at almost any moment. I'm thrilled that she loves my kids and they love her. Want to take them to the park for an hour, give me an hour off and buy me dinner??? BONUS! Send your MIL to my house next time.
Please try to be nicer to her. Someday your son will marry a woman.... treat your MIL the way you would want that woman to treat you.
god i hate this person who always enters every thread. "someday you will be the mil!"
Not all moms/MILs are pushy, intrusive PITAs who can't take "no" for an answer. Some are actually considerate, helpful and easy to live close to.
+1. And believe it or not, in some rare cases, the DIL is the problem.
Anonymous
03/27/2015 11:34
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.
I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.
The MIL DID give notice!
And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?
No....the DH relented! There is a difference.
He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.
So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.
So MIL being pushy and not taking "no" for an answer is o.k,? You think that Op should just suck it up and accept that that's just the way it's going to be? It sounds as though Op's dh was caught in the middle - afraid to tell his mom "No. You can't come over now" and afraid to tell his wife that Mom was on the way because he knew that would tick his wife off. And it did.
You guys cannot have it both ways. 90% of the people on here say that everyone should deal with their own parents. Here, OP's DH GAVE PERMISSION for his mother to swing by. I do not care if she was pushy or not, he is supposed to be able to hold the line with his own mother. If he will not or cannot, OP's issue should be with him. IMO, you can be mad for her wanting to come by and see her family or you can be mad at him for not having the balls to tell her firmly no. I choose to take issue with the person who is supposed to enforce the boundaries that we mutally set. To each her own.
Anonymous
03/27/2015 11:28
Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing...even if you have the right to be annoyed---you have the angels on your side---does that mean you HAVE to get annoyed?
All things considered, doesn't sound like that big of a deal. Kid and MIL like each other, everybody is family. The MIL offered to take the kid and get dinner.
Maybe she is not great at cues and boundaries, but in the end, who is getting hurt most by choosing to look at and focus on only the negatives?
Let it go, for real. Again, I am not saying OP didn't have the right to be annoyed. Objectively, she did. But that is only at the surface level.
Getting spun up because you're right, in light if a sitch that is soooo not a big deal, just makes you and everyone around you miserable.
Does she have a husband? Other family around? Or are you guys it? Seems like she may just want to be with you an dis looking for excuses.
I really can't imagine going through life so flappable all the time. I would find it exhausting.
My manic MIL, who has called me fat, intruded in our lives, and just regularly been a pain in the ass is on her way here right now. I can choose to get annoyed at the shit that will never change, or I can drink a glass of wine and laugh it at all and be evil and know hey, it can't last forever. She'll be dead someday.
yikes.