Still waiting for your explanation, OP.

Anonymous wrote:The double standards in terms of what is acceptable in a relationship never ceases to amaze me. If a woman is pregnant, she is the one who will decide if she gets an abortion: "my body, my decision" is the usual rule that is cited. And, rightly so.

But if a man chooses to donate his sperm without his wife's consent, according to most posters on this topic, the "my body, my decision" rule does not apply and the wife would view it as a betrayal and it would be grounds for divorce.

I am a guy and I personally can't see myself doing what OP says he is going to do but the double standard is difficult to ignore

I think the more direct analogy is if a woman chooses to be an egg donor or a surrogate without her husband's consent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The double standards in terms of what is acceptable in a relationship never ceases to amaze me. If a woman is pregnant, she is the one who will decide if she gets an abortion: "my body, my decision" is the usual rule that is cited. And, rightly so.
But if a man chooses to donate his sperm without his wife's consent, according to most posters on this topic, the "my body, my decision" rule does not apply and the wife would view it as a betrayal and it would be grounds for divorce.

I am a guy and I personally can't see myself doing what OP says he is going to do but the double standard is difficult to ignore

Not always. I think many men would have a serious problem if their wife aborted without their agreement. I'm not saying a woman doesn't have the legal right to do so, but if a woman terminated a pregnancy and the husband wanted to keep the baby, I think many men would take issue with that.

But if a woman started a topic on the forum stating that her husband had threatened to divorce her if she went ahead with an abortion, there would be a tirade of posts supporting the woman and excoriating the man for daring to make such a threat. Like I said, "my body, my decision" is selectively applied to safeguard a woman's right to abort - being pro-choice, I don't have an argument with this.

However, in this instance, you have just about everyone who posted in response to OP telling him that if they were in his wife's position, a divorce would be inevitable because he chooses to donate his sperm against his wife's wishes.

Your analogy is not the right one. This hypothetical woman of yours would have to be in a situation in which she unilaterally decided to have - or to abort - a baby she made with ANOTHER man when her husband was never in agreement with it, and the pregnancy would have been purposefully planned, not accidental. In which case I'm pretty sure most people here would be condemning the woman-OP for creating this mess of a situation and saying it's grounds for divorce.

Not the PP you responded to but I don't think your analogy makes any sense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The double standards in terms of what is acceptable in a relationship never ceases to amaze me. If a woman is pregnant, she is the one who will decide if she gets an abortion: "my body, my decision" is the usual rule that is cited. And, rightly so.
But if a man chooses to donate his sperm without his wife's consent, according to most posters on this topic, the "my body, my decision" rule does not apply and the wife would view it as a betrayal and it would be grounds for divorce.

I am a guy and I personally can't see myself doing what OP says he is going to do but the double standard is difficult to ignore

Not always. I think many men would have a serious problem if their wife aborted without their agreement. I'm not saying a woman doesn't have the legal right to do so, but if a woman terminated a pregnancy and the husband wanted to keep the baby, I think many men would take issue with that.

But if a woman started a topic on the forum stating that her husband had threatened to divorce her if she went ahead with an abortion, there would be a tirade of posts supporting the woman and excoriating the man for daring to make such a threat. Like I said, "my body, my decision" is selectively applied to safeguard a woman's right to abort - being pro-choice, I don't have an argument with this.

However, in this instance, you have just about everyone who posted in response to OP telling him that if they were in his wife's position, a divorce would be inevitable because he chooses to donate his sperm against his wife's wishes.

Your analogy is not the right one. This hypothetical woman of yours would have to be in a situation in which she unilaterally decided to have - or to abort - a baby she made with ANOTHER man when her husband was never in agreement with it, and the pregnancy would have been purposefully planned, not accidental. In which case I'm pretty sure most people here would be condemning the woman-OP for creating this mess of a situation and saying it's grounds for divorce.

I recommend seeing a good therapist. They can help you engage in a thoughtful dialogue with your wife about this. You have good reasons for wanting to do this. I'm sure she has good reasons for not wanting to. Maybe through a few therapy sessions, the two of you could come to an agreement. Your wife might have a lot of misgivings that more information could help her get past. She also needs to really hear you on your desire to help and why. But to answer your question, of course it's a breach of trust to father a child outside of your marriage without her knowledge. You know that. I'm presuming you've already raised it with her--either directly or indirectly--which is why you're sure she'd say no. That's why I suggest some limited counseling. Seriously, they are good at getting people through difficult conversations. You don't want to get into a big fight. Who knows what kinds of emotions this is triggering for your wife. Do the responsible thing and have a conversation about it--and there are family planning counselors who specialize in this. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:The double standards in terms of what is acceptable in a relationship never ceases to amaze me. If a woman is pregnant, she is the one who will decide if she gets an abortion: "my body, my decision" is the usual rule that is cited. And, rightly so.

But if a man chooses to donate his sperm without his wife's consent, according to most posters on this topic, the "my body, my decision" rule does not apply and the wife would view it as a betrayal and it would be grounds for divorce.

I am a guy and I personally can't see myself doing what OP says he is going to do but the double standard is difficult to ignore

People can make whatever decisions they want about their own bodies, but they don't get to control how other people feel about it. So a woman has a legal right to make a unilateral decision about whether to have an abortion, but that doesn't mean her husband doesn't get to have feelings about it, or that he couldn't decide to end the marriage over it. Similarly, OP can make the unilateral decision to have a child with another woman, but that doesn't mean his wife has to accept it and stay married to him. I think most of us who were railing against what the OP planned to do were opposed to him doing it in secret (similarly, I would be opposed to a wife having an abortion without telling her husband in most non-abuse cases), without letting her know what he planned to do. We also personally might have felt he was making a stupid choice to jeopardize his marriage like that, but that part is his prerogative.

I recently met a woman online that wanted a sperm donor. It sounded good, at first, but then I figured it would just be another child who didn't know his father. I decided not to go through with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The double standards in terms of what is acceptable in a relationship never ceases to amaze me. If a woman is pregnant, she is the one who will decide if she gets an abortion: "my body, my decision" is the usual rule that is cited. And, rightly so.
But if a man chooses to donate his sperm without his wife's consent, according to most posters on this topic, the "my body, my decision" rule does not apply and the wife would view it as a betrayal and it would be grounds for divorce.

I am a guy and I personally can't see myself doing what OP says he is going to do but the double standard is difficult to ignore

Not always. I think many men would have a serious problem if their wife aborted without their agreement. I'm not saying a woman doesn't have the legal right to do so, but if a woman terminated a pregnancy and the husband wanted to keep the baby, I think many men would take issue with that.

But if a woman started a topic on the forum stating that her husband had threatened to divorce her if she went ahead with an abortion, there would be a tirade of posts supporting the woman and excoriating the man for daring to make such a threat. Like I said, "my body, my decision" is selectively applied to safeguard a woman's right to abort - being pro-choice, I don't have an argument with this.

However, in this instance, you have just about everyone who posted in response to OP telling him that if they were in his wife's position, a divorce would be inevitable because he chooses to donate his sperm against his wife's wishes.

Anonymous wrote:The double standards in terms of what is acceptable in a relationship never ceases to amaze me. If a woman is pregnant, she is the one who will decide if she gets an abortion: "my body, my decision" is the usual rule that is cited. And, rightly so.
But if a man chooses to donate his sperm without his wife's consent, according to most posters on this topic, the "my body, my decision" rule does not apply and the wife would view it as a betrayal and it would be grounds for divorce.

I am a guy and I personally can't see myself doing what OP says he is going to do but the double standard is difficult to ignore

Not always. I think many men would have a serious problem if their wife aborted without their agreement. I'm not saying a woman doesn't have the legal right to do so, but if a woman terminated a pregnancy and the husband wanted to keep the baby, I think many men would take issue with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP is till following?

Why do you think it would make a damn difference to post the rationale now or after.

I guarantee you, whatever "reasoning" you think would change anyone's mind is bullshit.

I am not looking to persuade anyone to my viewpoint but I said I would offer an explanation and I am planning on following through with this. The feedback did convince me I should not do this without telling my wife.

Seriously OP, I would not bother to provide any sort of explanation. Just do what you have to do with regard to telling your wife if your decision is to go ahead with having a child with this friend. I don't understand why you are doing it but I am not in your shoes.

Anonymous wrote:Absofuckinglutely. My husband is not to have a child with anyone besides me. I can't believe you even need to ask this.

It doesn't matter that this woman helped you through a rough patch. You send a damn thank you card and flowers, NOT SPERM, as a thank you for that.

Hilarious!

The double standards in terms of what is acceptable in a relationship never ceases to amaze me. If a woman is pregnant, she is the one who will decide if she gets an abortion: "my body, my decision" is the usual rule that is cited. And, rightly so.

But if a man chooses to donate his sperm without his wife's consent, according to most posters on this topic, the "my body, my decision" rule does not apply and the wife would view it as a betrayal and it would be grounds for divorce.

I am a guy and I personally can't see myself doing what OP says he is going to do but the double standard is difficult to ignore

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP is till following?

Why do you think it would make a damn difference to post the rationale now or after.

I guarantee you, whatever "reasoning" you think would change anyone's mind is bullshit.

I am not looking to persuade anyone to my viewpoint but I said I would offer an explanation and I am planning on following through with this. The feedback did convince me I should not do this without telling my wife.

But why the big reveal after? I do not understand why you have not divulged here yet? Seriously.

You don't? Seems to me OP has some narcissistic tendencies that would explain his behavior on this thread and elsewhere. I think we should all stop giving him the attention he wants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP is till following?

Why do you think it would make a damn difference to post the rationale now or after.

I guarantee you, whatever "reasoning" you think would change anyone's mind is bullshit.

I am not looking to persuade anyone to my viewpoint but I said I would offer an explanation and I am planning on following through with this. The feedback did convince me I should not do this without telling my wife.

But why the big reveal after? I do not understand why you have not divulged here yet? Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:So OP is till following?

Why do you think it would make a damn difference to post the rationale now or after.

I guarantee you, whatever "reasoning" you think would change anyone's mind is bullshit.

I am not looking to persuade anyone to my viewpoint but I said I would offer an explanation and I am planning on following through with this. The feedback did convince me I should not do this without telling my wife.