OP, you chose marry a man who has children with a difficult ex. I understand this is hard for you and I definitely think his ex is in the wrong. But if you make this a battle it will be very difficult for the kids, and they may make your life difficult in return. Think carefully about what you want to do.

Anonymous wrote:OP here = so if this wasn't the house that they used to live in with their mother, than it would be ok to enforce boundaries? I don't know anyone else - including our immediate family that just comes by unannounced and hangs out. Confused.

I'm the PP who asked above whether you had considered buying a new house together. I absolutely support boundaries, and I am a stepmom and completely understand how unacceptable this is for you. You have every right not to want your husband's ex-wife just hanging out in YOUR home when you are not there. It is utterly rude that she does this, and it's really hard to believe that someone would choose to be so intrusive (and would also have no shame about it -- as someone who cheated on her husband and blew up her family, she's got something really wrong with her to think it's okay to just waltz back into that house as if she still owns it.

But look at it from the perspective of your husband's kids. They grew up in this house with their mom. She's a pushy, rude person who doesn't care about boundaries. It's obviously not going to feel right to them to push back against their mother to tell her she needs to wait outside. I imagine she walks all over them, too. And there must be a tiny bit of them that feels kinda good when mom is back in the house, just a tiny taste of the way it used to be before their whole lives got turned upside down. It is their home, too. And while I am really, really glad that my stepdaughter also thinks it would be awkward to have her mom over to visit in her dad's new home with me, I would completely see where she was coming from if this was the only home she ever knew and it used to be her home with her mom, too. Their mom is completely ignoring the normal boundaries that adults have, and it's not really realistic to think that the kids would be able to hold their mom to those boundaries.

It sounds like you have spoken to her, your husband has spoken to her, and she simply doesn't care. She is going to do what she is going to do because walking all over people is what she does, and she thinks she has a right to be in your house whenever she wants because it is her kids' house and used to be her house with them and she thinks that gives her rights to come and go when she pleases. So I think one step for your family is to step away from the family that they used to be by creating a new home together. And by saying this, I'm not saying that it's the RIGHT thing to do -- the right thing would be for her to be a decent person who respects other people's space. But you already know she's not a decent person. Wouldn't you rather own a house that had never been hers?

I'm not divorced or remarried, so take this with the grain of salt it deserves from someone who has never been in this situation . . .

I'm a lawyer and years ago observed a case very similar to this. The ex-husband actually sued his ex-wife for trespass and other things. It went to jury and he lost. But the real loser was the kids, who were put in the middle, put on the stand, etc. It was awful.

So, while the ex should not be in your house, it sounds like there is no way to stop it without putting the kids in the middle. Don't do that. Be the bigger person. In a few years they'll all be moved out and ex will never be in your house again. But for now, for the sake of those kids who cleary have a mother who will give them lifelong headaches, try to let it go.

You can do this, but the kids may resent having to wait to get their stuff. Sure, they should remember, but sometimes schedules change and they need something that they didn't need at the time of packing.

Try living in two houses sometime, OP. You'll probably forget a thing or two. You might even notice that it sucks.

OMG, do not sell your house because the ex cannot respect boundaries. How disruptive would that be for the kids? Plenty of divorced persons retain ownership of the marital home.

OP, you are right. She is a houseguest. It doesn't matter that she used to live in the house. She does not anymore. She relinquished her right to come and go as she pleases and to hang out when you are not there.

I like the drafted message from your DH above, but I don't see anything wrong with her waiting in the car. If a kid is just running in to grab something then she can wait those few minutes in the car. If it's more than that, then she needs permission and/or to come back when you are there. Period.

You are not going to alienate the kids or damage them. That is absolutely ridiculous. You are going to teach them to respect boundaries. The ex's behavior is manipulative and if anyone is damaging the kids it is her by putting them in awkward position. She really, truly, honestly does not need to be in the house when you are not there.

I'm a little unclear on when this is happening. Is this during the week after school? Do you guys have custody on those days or does she?

Anonymous wrote:You tell your husband this stops today. Period.

Umm you don't tell anyone anything, you discuss it. I still think there are two sides to this story and OP is painting her in a terrible light

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you will seriously alienate your step kids if you try to enforce the "mom waits outside" rule. You're treating her like an invader. They are treating her like a family member. You will make yourself the enemy.

+1

Yep especially if they are in the process of repairing an already damaged relationship. Watch out!

Maybe the kids like it. There are many divorced families who are very cozy with one another. Personally, I would find it very awkward if my mom did this, but there definitely are people who like it.

OP, I get why this annoys you. But as a child of divorce, I would find it very awkward and difficult to not allow my mother to come in. It would feel rude to me, even if I weren't the one enforcing the rule.

My mom likes to pretend that she and my dad get along better than they do, so that she can feel like she has a big happy family and that her choice to divorce wasn't harmful. Maybe that's what's going on.

It sounds like you and your husband are the primary custodians?

I'd suggest selling your house and buying a new house. She feels very comfortable in the current house as she "knows" the house. She "knows" the kitchen.

At the least I'd remodel the kitchen so it's different.

The kids are old enough to have a discussion with them on boundaries -- at some level I'm going to bet even they know this is not kosher.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you will seriously alienate your step kids if you try to enforce the "mom waits outside" rule. You're treating her like an invader. They are treating her like a family member. You will make yourself the enemy.

+1

Yep especially if they are in the process of repairing an already damaged relationship. Watch out!

You tell your husband this stops today. Period.

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry someone with an ex. Of course boundaries are going to be muddy. You can't just shut their mother out of their lives.

You can "shut" her out of your house when you are not home though. She does have her own house doesn't she?

You and your DH should have changed houses. Can you not see how this creates a ton of confusion for the kids?

They are used to their home and their mother lived there with them. Its not like it was a new house, they have years of memories there.

You and your DH created a mess. The Ex sounds crazy but you and your DH sound like idiots.