I don't have a SN child but I do have an odd/different perspective on this. Over 40 years ago, when I was new to a school, I was invited to a 'popular girl's' birthday party: I had invited her to mine. She told me on the playground, in front of many other children, "I only invited you because my mom made me do it." We were in second grade.

I was hurt and embarrassed and while I don't remember a thing about that party, I do remember the little girl's face and tone as she told me.

Children can be terribly cruel. Moms can be, too, or sometimes simply forgetful (although if she's invited almost everyone in the class and not your DC, well, that's tough). In this case, it sounds as though you're doing the best you can, OP. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited. If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

Sometimes that's not enough. The parent may come but may be so relieved to finally think their kid is part of the group they don't intervene. Or they're so used to their kid's awful behavior that they let things go that are unacceptable. We tried to include a horridly behaved boy once, because my DD has a sweet heart and said nobody had ever invited him to a party and she wanted to. He threw temper tantrums, he punched his fist through the cake, he screamed through the Happy Birthday song, he opened two presents before DH started taking them all away, and his mother did NOTHING. "He's just excited." No, he was making my daughter regret being kind and ruining her party. Oh, and then he also refused to leave our house. And his mom just kept drinking her coffee and not getting up - they were the last to leave. We never invited him again and I don't regret that decision.

Anonymous wrote:If I was the mom of the birthday child, and you made me aware of this situation, I'd be more than happy for your child to be invited. That's tough op. Can your friend that has the evite let the mom know?

+1. I'm sorry, OP. I hope it works out.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am thinking of taking the advice from many PPs and planning a special outing and using some of the language this PP wrote to explain things. This is a very gentle but very clear way to explain how the world of party invites work. I'm sure there will still be a lot of tears but he is going to have to learn it sooner or later.

I can't say I blame the mother, even if she did invite everyone in the class except DS. She seems like a nice person who has great kids and while DS is always very sweet and well behaved at parties she has no way of knowing that may be worried he would spoil the fun for the rest of the kids.

Anonymous wrote: I have this exact situation. I acted like it was no big deal. I said we haven't received an invitation and that's OK because some kids feel more comfortable having smaller parties. I reminded her of smaller parties she attended where not everyone was invited.

My child insisted she was invited. I said the next time her friend asks about coming to her birthday party just say you didn't receive an invitation, but you hope she has a wonderful birthday. I figure if it's an oversite an evite will come soon and if it isn't then it's a lesson for DD. It's OK not to be invited. Sometimes people will talk about parties in front of you. I explained I don't think her friend was being mean. I think sometimes families have to limit the amount of kids they invite due to space/costs, even though they want to invite everyone their child wants there.

Mom of two non-SN kids, and if she did invite everyone except your DS? I do blame that mother. Very much. That would be an outrageously cruel thing to do.

Anonymous wrote:I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited.

If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

The problem is not all special needs parents, just like other parents are not attentive. If the parents are, you can make it work. I was friends with a mom when our kids were is preschool and they regularly came over for a while and her kid would be very destructive and break my kids toys. She would not supervise him and just said to glue or I can replace it, no big deal. I got tired of stuff being broken.

Anonymous wrote:It might help to keep some perspective on this... Kids in first grade will barely remember this in a few years let alone a few months.... Unless the parents make a big deal about it! Just tell the kid you forgot and made plans to do blah, blah, blah and you can't make it to the party... but plan to make his friend a nice card to help her celebrate. this won't be a big deal unless you make it one....I think we tend to take these things too personally/seriously but these are just little kids and most will be on to something else in a blink.

That would be true if it were a one off, however, with children who have an SN that includes social issue it isn't. It is years of not being invited or included. It does leave a scar for many of them if intervention is not done.

I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited.

If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

It might help to keep some perspective on this... Kids in first grade will barely remember this in a few years let alone a few months.... Unless the parents make a big deal about it! Just tell the kid you forgot and made plans to do blah, blah, blah and you can't make it to the party... but plan to make his friend a nice card to help her celebrate. this won't be a big deal unless you make it one....I think we tend to take these things too personally/seriously but these are just little kids and most will be on to something else in a blink.

OP, please update us and let us know how it goes! We're rooting for your son.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:44, they were inviting him in person to be mean knowing he wasn't really invited? ouch. That is harsh for first graders.

Yes. It was a game to them.

Brutal.

I am realizing that some people are just horrible. I would never exclude any child. And if the child was SN, I would invite the parents too, just in case the child got overwhelmed.

OP, make alternate plans...tell your son that you have already booked seats for xyz...and you will have to check if the tickets can get cancelled, else you will have to miss Larla's birthday.

I will do as another person suggested, call the mom and let her know that Larla invited your son and could she send you the details.

If she does not want you there - fine. You tried and now you know that Larla's mom is not a good human being. So, there are only positives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:44, they were inviting him in person to be mean knowing he wasn't really invited? ouch. That is harsh for first graders.

Yes. It was a game to them.

Did the teacher do anything? that sucks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are lots of tacky parents out there. My niece has Downs Syndrome-so a really obvious disability but is a super sweet kid. A few months ago, some asshole parent invited every girl in the class to a party at the American Girl store except her. She was the only girl not invited.

My husband just asked why I was scowling at my phone. I was reading this post. That is really awful

Yeah, I agree. That's just shameful.

Jesus Murphy that is indeed terrible.

Anonymous wrote:20:44, they were inviting him in person to be mean knowing he wasn't really invited? ouch. That is harsh for first graders.

Yes. It was a game to them.

20:44, they were inviting him in person to be mean knowing he wasn't really invited? ouch. That is harsh for first graders.