Good luck, OP! Stay calm, do a lot of listening, and you may get some insight. You are right to try and get to the bottom of what's going on.

Op here:

Contrary to immediate PP, I think I learned a lot from this thread. I"m not going to go for this and have found a lot of logical reasoning, and support on here.

This tread got me from a reactionary, emotional place to one of peaceful logic.

So again, thanks to all of you, especially the poster who shared the personal dementia story. It opened my eyes to the fact that we have to have some conversations about helping family because it is possible that other demands and requests will be made. We need to have that global discussion now before real needs are expressed and clearly this is a want that doesn't benefit either of us or our children.

Maybe he feels like he should return what they gave to him. IDK yet.

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

DH still pouting.
Regarding income, I earn a lot more than him. We can live off my income but not his (almost his and when we aren't paying for preschool, probably his). However, he manages our portfolio and does a really great job at it. We have 2 kids together and no other children.

The more I think about this, the less mad I am and the more confused. I honestly DO NOT think my ILs are irresponsible. Maybe they made a bad investment, or a few, but they don't really spend a lot of money as far as outward appearances go although I did hear my FIL tell my DH that MIL uses a very expensive face cream that cost hundreds of dollars. (Mine is from Target).

Anyway, i am not curious why DH is so pouty because of this. For the sake of our marriage, we are going to have to discuss this.

Thank you all, again, for giving me support but also pointing out the logic flaws.

I love the gold toilet comment especially.

Regarding supporting MY family, that's another thread entirely.

Op, I'm sitting here shaking my damn head. You have so minimized serious issues wrt your dh that you may be beyond the help of this board. He is intentionally unclear and obfuscates the important financial details.You won't consider consulting a 3rd party because your dh won't go for it. I guess he calls the shots? I can't fathom being married to someone like this and this person manages your finances?

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp who did something similar for DH's folks ten years ago. Let me tell you about how things have turned out. His dad has developed dementia and can no longer take care of most of his daily living skills. They don't have LTC so we are now subsiding 3/4 of the mortgage so they can afford in-home care. We also have been covering all of the home and garden repairs and maintenance. Once you become a benefactor for the family, it is very hard to withdraw any support. You will be on the hook for the rest of their (or your) lives.

This is sad. OP, keep this in mind. Also keep in mind how important it is to fund your OWN retirement NOW. If you put your money towards supporting your inlaws and not saving for your own retirement, your children could be forced to support you down the road. This is not a cycle that should repeat itself, but it will if you don't prepare for your own retirement.

I am the pp who did something similar for DH's folks ten years ago. Let me tell you about how things have turned out. His dad has developed dementia and can no longer take care of most of his daily living skills. They don't have LTC so we are now subsiding 3/4 of the mortgage so they can afford in-home care. We also have been covering all of the home and garden repairs and maintenance. Once you become a benefactor for the family, it is very hard to withdraw any support. You will be on the hook for the rest of their (or your) lives.

I agree with PP a few posts up that you should be involved in managing the money, too. It sounds like things are very contentious and I'd keep an eye on your dough. Just in case.

And +10000 that your top priority should be your children and your own retirement savings, not eating into it so your husband's parents can live in a nice house with a big yard in a prestigious community with no debt (for them). Sheesh.

Yikes. This makes no financial sense for you. What happens if they don't pay rent? Or if there's damage to the house? or if the water heater goes? Or the pipes burst?

Your husband has not given you a good enough reason to take on all this debt and risk. Your family would be far better off to invest in college educations for the children. That's your priority, not taking on debt because his parents don't want to.

Anonymous wrote:I love that your inlaws are "debt adverse" for themselves but not for you.

There's your reasoning OP. You explain you do not want any more debt. End of story. If they want a house, they will need to have a mortgage. If they don't want a mortgage, they should rent.

+1

OP - I live in Charlottesville, and $200,000 is not likely to get you much of a house and probably only in an outer lying county rather than in the City or Albemarle County. This is also a comparatively expensive area to live and retire in so do not think that they will save a lot necessarily by moving here.

You did not mention that you have two young children in early posts so it seemed like you were just dealing with a couple without kids or with older kids. Fact number one is that you need to put the present and future costs needs of your children first over his parent's choice for you all to fund some random new house for them. This issue needs to be brought front and center to your husband.

It might also be advisable for you to start handling your family finances with your husband so that you have more of a handle on facts and figures and can figure out what other schemes he might come up with. "If" you even consider to have a discussion on this proposed business venture, you and DH and ILs need to go to as advised a flat fee financial advisor to have a full accounting with paper documentation of their assets, home value etc. as well as your own - should something happen and you all be saddled with the debt.

Second Fact is that you and DH need to get a clue as the reality of what you will need to be saving for two college education for kids and for your retirement because it does not sound as if there will be any inheritance from his side to consider. Also, early 60s are quite likely to still be around when you all retire so do not count on money then.

Finally, the next hair brained idea I see coming out of these three - only children - including DH is that because you helped them with the house and will get it in the future, you all should be willing to come on down to care for them as needed when they need it here in Charlottesville. They would do much better to look for a cheaper home they could afford in places like Fluvanna County, Madison or even Culpeper counties that would have fairly close access to DC, but not involve you all in their financial lives. You have too many unknowns ahead in your financial lives with two young children.

To me, the most important thing is that you make it 100% clear that you will not do this. If he pouts, he pouts. Sure, talk about it -- but remember, the more arguments you put forward, the more chances he would have to counter them.

His pouting is childish. Tell him that you don't feel comfortable with it. And, just make sure in any and every discussion that it is made clear at the beginning and end of the conversation that you will not change your mind. It does seem as if he and his parents are more of a unit than you and he -- and that's not good.

This sounds like a terrible idea. Judging by the amount of money his parents have in the 401K and the fact that their house is only work $200K, they probably should stay put where they are. This is a very expensive area and a $700K total net worth won't go far. I feel for you OP, you are in a tough spot. Its unfair that your husband is pressuring you into this. If you guys had buckets of money to support his parents, that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like this is the care. They should be downsizing to a small condo in their retirement, not moving to a bigger house on your dime. It is unfair to you and your children. I get that he wants to take care of his parents, but there are ways to help that don't involve such a heavy burden on your family.

If the parents were downsizing and needed help buying a smaller house with a smaller yard, or a townhouse or condo or something, that would be one thing. But taking on a mortgage so they can have a bigger house with more land? Insane. Totally insane.

I love that your inlaws are "debt adverse" for themselves but not for you.

There's your reasoning OP. You explain you do not want any more debt. End of story. If they want a house, they will need to have a mortgage. If they don't want a mortgage, they should rent.

Bad investments happen to good people. My dad wiped out my parents' savings in the late 80s based on a well-meant tip from a college buddy. The corporation involved went belly up in a huge scandal that rocked the state and was front page news for ages. My mom took charge of the finances after that.

It doesn't matter much why they don't have more, as you say. It just matters that you not get put in an expensive, open-ended, vulnerable financial position. Good luck.

OP again.

DH still pouting.
Regarding income, I earn a lot more than him. We can live off my income but not his (almost his and when we aren't paying for preschool, probably his). However, he manages our portfolio and does a really great job at it. We have 2 kids together and no other children.

The more I think about this, the less mad I am and the more confused. I honestly DO NOT think my ILs are irresponsible. Maybe they made a bad investment, or a few, but they don't really spend a lot of money as far as outward appearances go although I did hear my FIL tell my DH that MIL uses a very expensive face cream that cost hundreds of dollars. (Mine is from Target).

Anyway, i am not curious why DH is so pouty because of this. For the sake of our marriage, we are going to have to discuss this.

Thank you all, again, for giving me support but also pointing out the logic flaws.

I love the gold toilet comment especially.

Regarding supporting MY family, that's another thread entirely.