Anonymous
Post 03/08/2015 15:13     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
How many people on this thread have teens?

I'm wondering because I have read again and again that this kind of behavior has to be "nipped in the bud" because if not he will be calling his mother a bitch when he is a teenager.

I have teens, so i feel like I have a little perspective on teen behavior and parent-teen relationships. IME, a parenting style that leans more towards hard-line, kick-ass reaction to stuff like this is actually counterproductive and does not promote a close relationship in the teen years. But YMMV.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2015 14:51     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Kids do this ALL THE TIME. I would just ignore it. They are allowed to express themselves.

I disagree I would bust some ass


I also am shocked by this: both that a kid was so disrespectful to his mother ( twice once by leaving the nurf guns there in 1st place , then the note when a request was made to clean up)

Then, by the fact that 4:1 people on this forum seem to think its NBD.

What a spoiled Brat.

" you are stupid, Mommy"

I bet one day he grows up to tell his wife she is a "stupid bitch" and guess who your DIL will have to blame.

My child would never speak to me that way, but if they did it would be addressed as a priority


Perfect example of an adult not giving a child the possibility to develop healthy ways of dealing with emotion and instead expects adult behavior right away. He was angry. He knew he couldn't just call her stupid but he didn't know how else to voice his anger so he wrote a note. It is NOT a big deal. But it needs to be talked about. Mom needs to acknowledge his anger, he needs to acknowledge that calling Mom names is wrong. They need to work it out.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2015 11:45     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would cancel the cleaner next time and give him the house to clean for an entire weekend. Then next time het is asked to straighten a few things for the cleaners, he will be a little more grateful and a lot less lip/attitude. You have to nip this in the bud. You won't believe how entitled and spoiled kids get in preteens/teens.

And I am not being sarcastic at all. I would honestly give him the vacuum, windex, furniture polisher, lysol wipes, and a wet jet or mop.


+1

I think what everyone is missing here is this kid didn't want to move a few things for a person that comes in and cleans for him? Talk about entitled.


I agree. I would be more upset the kid didn't want to do a small part for a cleaning lady that does, which is probably half of his chores in a normal household. The REASON he was disrespectful is more important than why he disrespectful. Both should be addressed and I love the cleaning aspect.


To be clear, the reason he didn't want to clean it up was that he wanted to play with it when he finished his homework (he had tRget practice set up). My kids are required to do chores, but the problem was disrespect not avoidance of chores. He can't possibly clean as well as the cleaners and I'd have to follow him around making sure he did everything. That's more work for me than him. I told him how hurtful it was and he was very embarrassed about what Hed done. He had to apologize in writing and he lost screen time.


OP, he didn't write " I'm mad at you Mommy" or " Mommy , you hurt my feelings" . He sat down and wrote out " Mommy , you are Stupid". I think you have a problem . The fact that you are minimizing seems to explain why you have the problem
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2015 11:38     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Kids do this ALL THE TIME. I would just ignore it. They are allowed to express themselves.

I disagree I would bust some ass


I also am shocked by this: both that a kid was so disrespectful to his mother ( twice once by leaving the nurf guns there in 1st place , then the note when a request was made to clean up)

Then, by the fact that 4:1 people on this forum seem to think its NBD.

What a spoiled Brat.

" you are stupid, Mommy"

I bet one day he grows up to tell his wife she is a "stupid bitch" and guess who your DIL will have to blame.

My child would never speak to me that way, but if they did it would be addressed as a priority
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2015 10:54     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Kids do this ALL THE TIME. I would just ignore it. They are allowed to express themselves.


Substitute disrespectful brats for kids in sentence above.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2015 10:15     Subject: Re:My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
My sister still laughs about when she was cleaning her 12-year old's room (years ago). She found a note when she moved a notebook that said 'my mom is a big bitch".

Hey- if your kids don't like you at some point growing up --you aren't effectively parenting.

Kudos.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2015 09:58     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?


Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.


Another PP here. I allow my kids the right to voice their feelings and thoughts - they are now teens. I also teach them that the right to do so is not universal and it is not unconditional. Homework and chores come before play. Always have and always will and my kids are well aware of that. So I would expect him to be mad, but I would also expect him to know that is a well established rule in our house. So, in THAT SPECIFIC CASE, his being angry will not mean much. We also taught them that too - that sometimes people will not care how you feel if they have told you to do something that you are supposed to do.


Ah the good old power we as adults are free to use any time and anywhere over our children. Beautiful. So why exactly is cleaning up for Mommy because Mommy has the cleaning lady come more important than playing with a new toy? Especially since the child had just completed one chore/task (homework) already? It would have been an absolute possibility to say "You finished your homework really well, so you can play with your new toy for 30 minutes now and THEN you clean up after that." Nobody can convince me right now that 30 minutes of playtime after just having finished his homework would have been impossible to do...nobody would have been angry. Nobody would have been pushed around. Child gets a break and reward of playing for doing well with homework - Mommy gets a clean room without any anger and the angry note would have never been written.


Are you serious? No wonder kids are such little brats these days.


My kids are far from being brats. They are well respected members of our family. My husband and I are aware that children are human beings just like us and our needs do not trump the needs of our children. There is no reason why the cleaning needs to be done right after having just done homework and couldn't have been done 30 minutes later...no reason besides me as the Mom wanting to assert my power as the adult of course. A kid having just completed homework to me absolutely makes it okay for that child to request to be allowed to play for a little before doing the next chore. Just shows how different people value the own opinions and needs of their children, has nothing to do with children being brats...so judgmental.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2015 23:22     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I would say, "I didn't like your note".

Leave it at that. No more, no less.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2015 18:31     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?


Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.


Another PP here. I allow my kids the right to voice their feelings and thoughts - they are now teens. I also teach them that the right to do so is not universal and it is not unconditional. Homework and chores come before play. Always have and always will and my kids are well aware of that. So I would expect him to be mad, but I would also expect him to know that is a well established rule in our house. So, in THAT SPECIFIC CASE, his being angry will not mean much. We also taught them that too - that sometimes people will not care how you feel if they have told you to do something that you are supposed to do.


Ah the good old power we as adults are free to use any time and anywhere over our children. Beautiful. So why exactly is cleaning up for Mommy because Mommy has the cleaning lady come more important than playing with a new toy? Especially since the child had just completed one chore/task (homework) already? It would have been an absolute possibility to say "You finished your homework really well, so you can play with your new toy for 30 minutes now and THEN you clean up after that." Nobody can convince me right now that 30 minutes of playtime after just having finished his homework would have been impossible to do...nobody would have been angry. Nobody would have been pushed around. Child gets a break and reward of playing for doing well with homework - Mommy gets a clean room without any anger and the angry note would have never been written.


Are you serious? No wonder kids are such little brats these days.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2015 14:52     Subject: Re:My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.


I agree with this entirely. It's ok to voice that he's feeling upset, but no ok to be mean or disrespectful.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2015 14:49     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?


Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.


Another PP here. I allow my kids the right to voice their feelings and thoughts - they are now teens. I also teach them that the right to do so is not universal and it is not unconditional. Homework and chores come before play. Always have and always will and my kids are well aware of that. So I would expect him to be mad, but I would also expect him to know that is a well established rule in our house. So, in THAT SPECIFIC CASE, his being angry will not mean much. We also taught them that too - that sometimes people will not care how you feel if they have told you to do something that you are supposed to do.


Ah the good old power we as adults are free to use any time and anywhere over our children. Beautiful. So why exactly is cleaning up for Mommy because Mommy has the cleaning lady come more important than playing with a new toy? Especially since the child had just completed one chore/task (homework) already? It would have been an absolute possibility to say "You finished your homework really well, so you can play with your new toy for 30 minutes now and THEN you clean up after that." Nobody can convince me right now that 30 minutes of playtime after just having finished his homework would have been impossible to do...nobody would have been angry. Nobody would have been pushed around. Child gets a break and reward of playing for doing well with homework - Mommy gets a clean room without any anger and the angry note would have never been written.


That is the way that YOU would have done it and that is fine. I would not have done it that way and that is fine. The one major fact that we don't know that OP knows is how her child is. Some children would have a hard time re-directing from playing to doing a chore, so it makes sense to have them finish all their work before play. I do not fault OP for her approach on that issue. I also do not think that an 8YO should be taught that expressing their thoughts and feelings is always the highest priority. There is a proper time, place and manner. But like I said, our approach works for us.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2015 13:34     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?


Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.


Another PP here. I allow my kids the right to voice their feelings and thoughts - they are now teens. I also teach them that the right to do so is not universal and it is not unconditional. Homework and chores come before play. Always have and always will and my kids are well aware of that. So I would expect him to be mad, but I would also expect him to know that is a well established rule in our house. So, in THAT SPECIFIC CASE, his being angry will not mean much. We also taught them that too - that sometimes people will not care how you feel if they have told you to do something that you are supposed to do.


Ah the good old power we as adults are free to use any time and anywhere over our children. Beautiful. So why exactly is cleaning up for Mommy because Mommy has the cleaning lady come more important than playing with a new toy? Especially since the child had just completed one chore/task (homework) already? It would have been an absolute possibility to say "You finished your homework really well, so you can play with your new toy for 30 minutes now and THEN you clean up after that." Nobody can convince me right now that 30 minutes of playtime after just having finished his homework would have been impossible to do...nobody would have been angry. Nobody would have been pushed around. Child gets a break and reward of playing for doing well with homework - Mommy gets a clean room without any anger and the angry note would have never been written.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2015 13:07     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?


Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.


Another PP here. I allow my kids the right to voice their feelings and thoughts - they are now teens. I also teach them that the right to do so is not universal and it is not unconditional. Homework and chores come before play. Always have and always will and my kids are well aware of that. So I would expect him to be mad, but I would also expect him to know that is a well established rule in our house. So, in THAT SPECIFIC CASE, his being angry will not mean much. We also taught them that too - that sometimes people will not care how you feel if they have told you to do something that you are supposed to do.
Anonymous
Post 03/05/2015 14:39     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?


Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.
Anonymous
Post 03/05/2015 13:35     Subject: My son left me a mean note, WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would cancel the cleaner next time and give him the house to clean for an entire weekend. Then next time het is asked to straighten a few things for the cleaners, he will be a little more grateful and a lot less lip/attitude. You have to nip this in the bud. You won't believe how entitled and spoiled kids get in preteens/teens.

And I am not being sarcastic at all. I would honestly give him the vacuum, windex, furniture polisher, lysol wipes, and a wet jet or mop.


+1

I think what everyone is missing here is this kid didn't want to move a few things for a person that comes in and cleans for him? Talk about entitled.


I agree. I would be more upset the kid didn't want to do a small part for a cleaning lady that does, which is probably half of his chores in a normal household. The REASON he was disrespectful is more important than why he disrespectful. Both should be addressed and I love the cleaning aspect.


To be clear, the reason he didn't want to clean it up was that he wanted to play with it when he finished his homework (he had tRget practice set up). My kids are required to do chores, but the problem was disrespect not avoidance of chores. He can't possibly clean as well as the cleaners and I'd have to follow him around making sure he did everything. That's more work for me than him. I told him how hurtful it was and he was very embarrassed about what Hed done. He had to apologize in writing and he lost screen time.


So because it would be a little more work for you, you didn't feel like asking him to clean some? It doesn't have to be perfect but it should be done. It teaches a lesson and understanding more than screen time