Of course expectations should be high. Who shouldn't know that? But they need to be in line with each child. And coupled with loving support and nurturance instead of a one size fits all mentality.

Anonymous wrote:Just because my kids are straight A students does not mean that it is/was easy. You have no idea how hard I work with them or whether my children are easier or more difficult to parent than yours. A child with average intelligence who is getting by with C's isn't applying him/herself. But okay call me smug. It's easier to call me names and dismiss my parenting then it is acknowledge that having high expectations with a good support system leads to better academic results.

Very few people will disagree that high expectations and support won't lead to better academic results. What you don't seem to understand is that high academic results don't necessarily mean you're a great parent. Stress, anxiety, fear of failure, eating disorders, coping with drugs and alcohol- all of those are not uncommon consequences of "high achievers". I'm not saying that's your kid- but when a kid can never meet their parents' expectations it can be very damaging.

^^Sorry for the typos. Writing this at the airport.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many schools will only award A's to - at most - 10% of the class, regardless of mastery. So tiger mom above - do you come down hard on your kid if they aren't in the top 10% in all of their classes?

We haven't had that problem.

I'm happy that God gave you kids who can handle your expectations. I warn you that it isn't all about your parenting. The universe has a way of punishing people as smug as you. I used to have an A student. Now he is not. Parenting my child isn't easy, and demanding more than he can do right now would only result in worse outcomes. I have learned some humility. I hope you can find some.

Why do you think demanding more will result in a worse outcome?

She posted more than one post, and she is very smug. That's all. Demanding more sometimes results in more, but sometimes it does not. I'm glad it is working for her. We can't all have kids in the top 10%, and those of us who do not may not be the lousy undemanding parents you think. Perhaps we're just not sharing everything with a wider audience.

Just because my kids are straight A students does not mean that it is/was easy. You have no idea how hard I work with them or whether my children are easier or more difficult to parent than yours. A child with average intelligence who is getting by with C's isn't applying him/herself. But okay call me smug. It's easier to call me names and dismiss my parenting then it is acknowledge that having high expectations with a good support system leads to better academic results.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do not homeschool. You could make a difficult situation worse. Get your daughter a therapist and a tutor to show her you care and you believe in her. And so she can get the support she needs. She clearly has had s lot going on that you didn't know about and needs the emotional support and help with problem solving skills of a good professional. Have her see a cognitive behavioral therapist. Most bang for your buck with these types of concerns. Also take her to a dermatologist if she has concerns about her complexion.

I agree homeschooling would be unhelpful if DD doesn't want it.

But if OP is in a position to do it and DD responds to the suggestion with relief, I'd consider it. She may need a break from social pressures for a year or so for reasons she doesn't feel free to express or can't put into words.

CBT therapist and dermatologist are a good idea.

I question whether OP has the right stuff to homeschool considering her seeming lack of understanding of what's going on with her daughter and quickness to judge her daughter as lazy. I think it's better to seek professional support, talk to teachers, and problem-solve around daughter's needs with school right now. Daughter needs support with respect to her friendships as well--how to navigate and remain successful socially--a therapist could help with that. Homeschooling can be very isolating and is not for everyone. If OP isn't taking on the basic issues so far it's hard for me to imagine her taking on much more than that with homeschooling. OP the failing grades are not the end of the world. Your daughter may learn valuable life lessons from this period in her life. Also, if you are worried about college, she can go to a community college and usually after 2 years with a B average a student can transfer to a 4 year school WITHOUT application stress. Your daughter will be alright but please take a different approach. I don't know if you convey the same messages to your daughter that you describe you are thinking/feeling here on this forum. I hope not. But she needs love, support, and understanding, and most of all, professional help to help her out of this rut. Get the school involved. Show the school you believe in your daughter and that the school needs to look into whether they can offer her any supports. I still think she may have learning challenges that you are not aware of. The friend issue may only be a part of what's going on. Afterall, many girls are insecure at this age. Her grades may be a cry for help.

Anonymous wrote:Parents of "successful" children give themselves far too much credit. I do wish a humility check upon those who credit themselves and judge other parents and kids.

+1

They can have some credit, but not all the credit. Some of my son's biggest challenges right now are probably due to some of his greatest strengths, once he figures out how to channel his energy better.

Anonymous wrote:I had two daughters who were like this in High School. You have my sympathy. But don't give up. One ended up at vocational program for low level health care jobs ( Edison Center, MCPS). She was a standout and her confidence and grades improved drastically her junior and senior year in HS. She went to state college, did great and became a campus leader. She did a year of Volunteer for America after college and made good connections. She then got an entry level job in health management. To make along story short she is now a self made exec in a big pharma company and a great mom. The other daughter got a GED and then failed community college except for As in computer graphics. We sent her to a computer graphic institute and she gained confidence. She returned a four year state school and graduated in four years. Today she works as a project manager for a Start up internet company. Along the way both girls worked part time in menial jobs to earn spending money. We paid tuition and the basic living expenses. We kept telling them we loved them and believed they would find their way. In retrospect, I think both suffered from adolescent depression and counseling would have helped. I also think they would have been happier in small private school environments like the waldorf school or the Field school. My message is hang in there. It is tough but things will get better has your DD matures.

You are my hero!

Anonymous wrote:OP do not homeschool. You could make a difficult situation worse. Get your daughter a therapist and a tutor to show her you care and you believe in her. And so she can get the support she needs. She clearly has had s lot going on that you didn't know about and needs the emotional support and help with problem solving skills of a good professional. Have her see a cognitive behavioral therapist. Most bang for your buck with these types of concerns. Also take her to a dermatologist if she has concerns about her complexion.

I agree homeschooling would be unhelpful if DD doesn't want it.

But if OP is in a position to do it and DD responds to the suggestion with relief, I'd consider it. She may need a break from social pressures for a year or so for reasons she doesn't feel free to express or can't put into words.

CBT therapist and dermatologist are a good idea.

I had two daughters who were like this in High School. You have my sympathy. But don't give up. One ended up at vocational program for low level health care jobs ( Edison Center, MCPS). She was a standout and her confidence and grades improved drastically her junior and senior year in HS. She went to state college, did great and became a campus leader. She did a year of Volunteer for America after college and made good connections. She then got an entry level job in health management. To make along story short she is now a self made exec in a big pharma company and a great mom. The other daughter got a GED and then failed community college except for As in computer graphics. We sent her to a computer graphic institute and she gained confidence. She returned a four year state school and graduated in four years. Today she works as a project manager for a Start up internet company. Along the way both girls worked part time in menial jobs to earn spending money. We paid tuition and the basic living expenses. We kept telling them we loved them and believed they would find their way. In retrospect, I think both suffered from adolescent depression and counseling would have helped. I also think they would have been happier in small private school environments like the waldorf school or the Field school. My message is hang in there. It is tough but things will get better has your DD matures.

Parents of "successful" children give themselves far too much credit. I do wish a humility check upon those who credit themselves and judge other parents and kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many schools will only award A's to - at most - 10% of the class, regardless of mastery. So tiger mom above - do you come down hard on your kid if they aren't in the top 10% in all of their classes?

We haven't had that problem.

I'm happy that God gave you kids who can handle your expectations. I warn you that it isn't all about your parenting. The universe has a way of punishing people as smug as you. I used to have an A student. Now he is not. Parenting my child isn't easy, and demanding more than he can do right now would only result in worse outcomes. I have learned some humility. I hope you can find some.

Why do you think demanding more will result in a worse outcome?

She posted more than one post, and she is very smug. That's all. Demanding more sometimes results in more, but sometimes it does not. I'm glad it is working for her. We can't all have kids in the top 10%, and those of us who do not may not be the lousy undemanding parents you think. Perhaps we're just not sharing everything with a wider audience.

Second the dermatologist. Those of us blessed with good skin have no conception of how skin problems can adversely affect a teenager girl. Treat this as an urgent medical problem. BTDT.

Have you considered all all-girls school? Eliminating half of the issue with self-consciousness does help. There will always be the girls who seem perfect in every way, but there are also plenty of girls who are not. My DD loves not having to "play the part" at school each day. She wears a uniform, no makeup and every kid there has her hair in the same silly top knot ponytail. I think my child finds is relaxing and a little more secure from an emotional standpoint.

OP do not homeschool. You could make a difficult situation worse. Get your daughter a therapist and a tutor to show her you care and you believe in her. And so she can get the support she needs. She clearly has had s lot going on that you didn't know about and needs the emotional support and help with problem solving skills of a good professional. Have her see a cognitive behavioral therapist. Most bang for your buck with these types of concerns. Also take her to a dermatologist if she has concerns about her complexion.

+1