Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

Agree with PP.
Just because she does well in other areas, doesn't mean she can be rewarded with having sex in the home.
Kids with bad grades, shouldn't get the reward of sex?
Crazy.
What's next? Being okay with pot because the kid does well in school?

+1. You reap what you sow, PP. The OP is going to have problems with this kid for years to come.

She is 16 and a junior in high school. OP has about 1.5 years to suddenly experience "problems" with this kid. If OP is reaping what she sowed, then it sounds like she did a good job so far. She has an accomplished, responsible and sensible daughter.

... who is having sex in her bedroom behind closed doors while mommy and daddy think she's studying, or perhaps waxing her toe shoes!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what about the seriousness of their relationship concerns you? Is it that you don't think she should be settling down at 16? Is it that you're concerned that other areas of her life will suffer as a result of this relationship?

As for what you can do about it now, it sounds like you and your daughter have very good communication, so my suggestion would be that you should talk to her about it. Figure out what your actual concern is and have a conversation about that.

(No doubt other PPs will think this is crazy and that you should really just "parent" your "complete moral failure.")

OP again and I am concerned that she is too serious with this boy in every respect. I am worried that she may limit her college choices and only apply to schools that they can both get into (he's a good student just not as good as DD).

And she has the birth control pills so she got them from somewhere - I have no reason to doubt the doctor's visit happened. My DD is just like this with everything - she researches everything, gets "expert" advice and makes a decision.

No, she has a different gyno than I do. She wanted a woman and I've been with the same male gyno since before she was born. And yes, children can go to a clinic or doctor without parental permission in our state.

In that case, I think you should talk to her about the college issue. I remember how seriously I felt about my first boyfriend (who was also a decent respectable kid, who I had sex with, in his parents house, though they were not home at the time). It's a pretty exciting feeling. But it shouldn't change her decisions about her future and I think that you should make sure that she understands that.

That said, given everything else you've said about your daughter, it doesn't sound like she would go to a crappy school just to stay with a boyfriend. If anything, it sounds like she would go to a great school, encourage him to go to the best school he can get into, and then try to maintain a long distance relationship with him, which is a whole other kind of heartache.

Oh, sure. Because she's so mature! I mean, she is 16!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

Agree with PP.
Just because she does well in other areas, doesn't mean she can be rewarded with having sex in the home.
Kids with bad grades, shouldn't get the reward of sex?
Crazy.
What's next? Being okay with pot because the kid does well in school?

+1. You reap what you sow, PP. The OP is going to have problems with this kid for years to come.

She is 16 and a junior in high school. OP has about 1.5 years to suddenly experience "problems" with this kid. If OP is reaping what she sowed, then it sounds like she did a good job so far. She has an accomplished, responsible and sensible daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what about the seriousness of their relationship concerns you? Is it that you don't think she should be settling down at 16? Is it that you're concerned that other areas of her life will suffer as a result of this relationship?

As for what you can do about it now, it sounds like you and your daughter have very good communication, so my suggestion would be that you should talk to her about it. Figure out what your actual concern is and have a conversation about that.

(No doubt other PPs will think this is crazy and that you should really just "parent" your "complete moral failure.")

OP again and I am concerned that she is too serious with this boy in every respect. I am worried that she may limit her college choices and only apply to schools that they can both get into (he's a good student just not as good as DD).

And she has the birth control pills so she got them from somewhere - I have no reason to doubt the doctor's visit happened. My DD is just like this with everything - she researches everything, gets "expert" advice and makes a decision.

No, she has a different gyno than I do. She wanted a woman and I've been with the same male gyno since before she was born. And yes, children can go to a clinic or doctor without parental permission in our state.

In that case, I think you should talk to her about the college issue. I remember how seriously I felt about my first boyfriend (who was also a decent respectable kid, who I had sex with, in his parents house, though they were not home at the time). It's a pretty exciting feeling. But it shouldn't change her decisions about her future and I think that you should make sure that she understands that.

That said, given everything else you've said about your daughter, it doesn't sound like she would go to a crappy school just to stay with a boyfriend. If anything, it sounds like she would go to a great school, encourage him to go to the best school he can get into, and then try to maintain a long distance relationship with him, which is a whole other kind of heartache.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

You and your parents are the only moral failures here. The sad part is you'll never understand why.

Oh, really? Then why don't you explain it to me, in your great wisdom. Yes, if my 16 year old was having sex (IN MY HOME, WHILE I WAS DOWNSTAIRS IGNORING HER WHILE I'M WATCHING TV), you'd better believe, that is a complete moral failure on the part of the parent.

I'm not the OP, but WOW.

A daughter who wants to do a pretty normal thing, in a relationship with someone her parents know and trust, who responsibly goes to the doctor, communicates with her boyfriend about it and then actually tells her mom about it is "a complete moral failure"? What would you call a girl who sneaks around, having sex with lots of different people without using protection?

Also, the dig about OP ignoring her daughter? Seriously? The girl is 16. Do you actually expect her mom to hover over her at all times and never do anything in the house in a different room from the daughter?

Hell, yes! I expect the "parents" (and I'm using that word generally here, I realize) to have some knowledge of what is going on in their own home involving their underage minor daughter. Or is it asking too much to have them give up an episode of "DWTS?"

So the OP should be going up to check on her daughter, who has previously been nothing but trustworthy, while she is studying (and note: it sounds to me like they are *gasp* ACTUALLY STUDYING for at least part of the time while they're up there), just to make sure? What about in the middle of the night, while DD is sleeping? Should OP set alarms for every couple hours and go check just to make sure nothing is going on?

You sound like an absolute nightmare and I'm glad my mom bore more resemblance to the OP than you.

Any "parent" (again, word used generally and only to follow the thread of this discussion -- I frankly am not sure I even consider the waffling OP to be a parent) who would let a 16 year old girl and her boyfriend "study" behind the closed door of her bedroom while said "parent" can zone out with a glass of wine and the TV downstairs is a complete and utter fool. As OP proves everytime she types a new post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

Agree with PP.
Just because she does well in other areas, doesn't mean she can be rewarded with having sex in the home.
Kids with bad grades, shouldn't get the reward of sex?
Crazy.
What's next? Being okay with pot because the kid does well in school?

+1. You reap what you sow, PP. The OP is going to have problems with this kid for years to come.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what about the seriousness of their relationship concerns you? Is it that you don't think she should be settling down at 16? Is it that you're concerned that other areas of her life will suffer as a result of this relationship?

As for what you can do about it now, it sounds like you and your daughter have very good communication, so my suggestion would be that you should talk to her about it. Figure out what your actual concern is and have a conversation about that.

(No doubt other PPs will think this is crazy and that you should really just "parent" your "complete moral failure.")

OP again and I am concerned that she is too serious with this boy in every respect. I am worried that she may limit her college choices and only apply to schools that they can both get into (he's a good student just not as good as DD).

And she has the birth control pills so she got them from somewhere - I have no reason to doubt the doctor's visit happened. My DD is just like this with everything - she researches everything, gets "expert" advice and makes a decision.

No, she has a different gyno than I do. She wanted a woman and I've been with the same male gyno since before she was born. And yes, children can go to a clinic or doctor without parental permission in our state.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

You and your parents are the only moral failures here. The sad part is you'll never understand why.

Oh, really? Then why don't you explain it to me, in your great wisdom. Yes, if my 16 year old was having sex (IN MY HOME, WHILE I WAS DOWNSTAIRS IGNORING HER WHILE I'M WATCHING TV), you'd better believe, that is a complete moral failure on the part of the parent.

I'm not the OP, but WOW.

A daughter who wants to do a pretty normal thing, in a relationship with someone her parents know and trust, who responsibly goes to the doctor, communicates with her boyfriend about it and then actually tells her mom about it is "a complete moral failure"? What would you call a girl who sneaks around, having sex with lots of different people without using protection?

Also, the dig about OP ignoring her daughter? Seriously? The girl is 16. Do you actually expect her mom to hover over her at all times and never do anything in the house in a different room from the daughter?

Hell, yes! I expect the "parents" (and I'm using that word generally here, I realize) to have some knowledge of what is going on in their own home involving their underage minor daughter. Or is it asking too much to have them give up an episode of "DWTS?"

So the OP should be going up to check on her daughter, who has previously been nothing but trustworthy, while she is studying (and note: it sounds to me like they are *gasp* ACTUALLY STUDYING for at least part of the time while they're up there), just to make sure? What about in the middle of the night, while DD is sleeping? Should OP set alarms for every couple hours and go check just to make sure nothing is going on?

You sound like an absolute nightmare and I'm glad my mom bore more resemblance to the OP than you.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DD and her boyfriend split the cost of the doctor's visit and prescription - DD told me that she insisted on this. So I never saw an insurance statement/doctor's bill.

Now that this is the situation, telling me what I should or shouldn't have done is not helpful - it is what is is and I have been successful in "parenting" a successful student and disciplined dancer who never had a curfew because she voluntarily comes home early! She is also a very kind, generous and popular girl.

But even for the more puritanical parents - what if anything should I do now?

I'm a little confused, OP - do you object to her having sex in her bedroom or not? You just keep saying you're shocked but not that you disapprove or that you wish she wouldn't. I think you should figure that out - we all have different views on our kids and sex, obviously.

My two cents - your daughter is already having sex and she sounds responsible about it, so I doubt you could get her to stop now. SI think she may be overplaying how responsible she is about it, though and 16 year olds do stupid things all the time. I'd sit her and the boyfriend own together (I don't care how awkward that is) and talk about missing birth control pills and STDs and how much a pregnancy would screw up both of their lives. I'd scare the crap out of them so that they would take every precaution with the birth control and do it right.

Then I'd set some ground rules about where/when they can have sex in your house according to whatever makes you comfortable. And lastly, I would talk to the boyfriend and tell him you're going to tell his parents. If he tells you his parents would freak out and make his life miserable, then perhaps you can consider not telling them. But I think you owe it to his parents to tell him now that you know so that they can give him whatever parenting advice they want to about this. And so that they can know to set sex groundrules in their house.

All of this will be SUPER awkward and you will not enjoy it. But don't convince yourself that you don't need to do it just because it will be hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

Agree with PP.
Just because she does well in other areas, doesn't mean she can be rewarded with having sex in the home.
Kids with bad grades, shouldn't get the reward of sex?
Crazy.
What's next? Being okay with pot because the kid does well in school?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

You and your parents are the only moral failures here. The sad part is you'll never understand why.

Oh, really? Then why don't you explain it to me, in your great wisdom. Yes, if my 16 year old was having sex (IN MY HOME, WHILE I WAS DOWNSTAIRS IGNORING HER WHILE I'M WATCHING TV), you'd better believe, that is a complete moral failure on the part of the parent.

I'm not the OP, but WOW.

A daughter who wants to do a pretty normal thing, in a relationship with someone her parents know and trust, who responsibly goes to the doctor, communicates with her boyfriend about it and then actually tells her mom about it is "a complete moral failure"? What would you call a girl who sneaks around, having sex with lots of different people without using protection?

Also, the dig about OP ignoring her daughter? Seriously? The girl is 16. Do you actually expect her mom to hover over her at all times and never do anything in the house in a different room from the daughter?

Hell, yes! I expect the "parents" (and I'm using that word generally here, I realize) to have some knowledge of what is going on in their own home involving their underage minor daughter. Or is it asking too much to have them give up an episode of "DWTS?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DD and her boyfriend split the cost of the doctor's visit and prescription - DD told me that she insisted on this. So I never saw an insurance statement/doctor's bill.

Now that this is the situation, telling me what I should or shouldn't have done is not helpful - it is what is is and I have been successful in "parenting" a successful student and disciplined dancer who never had a curfew because she voluntarily comes home early! She is also a very kind, generous and popular girl.

But even for the more puritanical parents - what if anything should I do now?

Ok, now I am really questioning the veracity of the OP. Either that or OP really needs to make sure the doctor visit actually happened.

+1 and the majority of pill failures are by younger women who forget to take it. I would bring her in to OP's Ob/gym and have a big talk about stds, pregnancy, cervical cancer/hav, abortion, the pill, other forms of bc, etc. At this point, you shouldn't be able to embarrass her, if her dr. story is completely true. I would also make sure the boyfriend knows that her parents absolutely know and would be happy to talk with him about sex any time, particularly in DD's home.

You can try to make sex seem lame and boring to a teenager won't work, but may make them think,

OP, what about the seriousness of their relationship concerns you? Is it that you don't think she should be settling down at 16? Is it that you're concerned that other areas of her life will suffer as a result of this relationship?

As for what you can do about it now, it sounds like you and your daughter have very good communication, so my suggestion would be that you should talk to her about it. Figure out what your actual concern is and have a conversation about that.

(No doubt other PPs will think this is crazy and that you should really just "parent" your "complete moral failure.")

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My only comment here is that 16 is too young to have such a serious relationship. Too much drama.

This is it in a nutshell. Really has nothing to do with prudishness about sex. Emotional maturity and life experience is just not there yet. Could we stop harping on class rank and ballerina?
So, if she was flunking out and a total slacker, then the sex part is not ok. Give me a break. Developmental appropriateness matters.

I think the importance of her class rank and extra curricular activity is that she is doing everything else "right" and her relationship has not effected her grades or dedication to her chosen activity. The boy is not the sole focus of her life.

I think if she is as mature as she sounds at 16 (setting her own curfew) then this is developmentally appropriate behavior. It is how most girls act in college anyway and she is just two years shy of that.

Unbelievable. It scares me that there are so many parents like you in this area. And by the way, it's "affected," not "effected."

What's scary about it? You raise your child according to your sense of morality. I'll raise my child according to my sense of morality. OP will raise OP's child according to OP's sense of morality.

It's scary, my friend, because you could be the parents of my kids' BFFs. You could be my next door neighbor, or the family from my office that we hang out with the on weekends. It takes a village, remember?

I call BS on the fact they went to the doctor.