Cut out the drama. OP is just going to have to learn to navigate the In-laws visiting on both sides as well as establishing an equal relationship with her husband. A new baby is often a time of stress so don't make it any worse. DH most likely is also going to have to learn to be "A Dad" and "A Husband" first and put his relationship as "Their Son" on a secondary scale because his folks are no longer his primary family. This can be as hard a transition for a guy as for a girl to see and to make.

OP - you have had a lot of input. Do any of the suggestions strike you as doable before the February visit occurs?

This marriage is definitely headed for divorce. Your DH is taking his parent needs over your's every single month. Sorry, OP.

I think you need to have a good talk w/ DH and tell him that every other month for 3 nights max should be the new terms of the IL's visits. I think that's fair enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby. The novelty will wear off soon. I think it's really nice that they are making the effort to come and see their grandchild so often. Please don't push them away for that. My kids don't have any grandparents in this country. I think you are being very mean to them and to your DH. Let them stay and do everything, and hide in your room if you can't bear it. Or make plans to go out with your friends or shopping or whatever. Better yet, try and get along with them better.

I hate this. Anytime a woman speaks up with what she wants, its MEAN. No it isn't. It's being an adult not a doormat. It is childish to put up with this.

I hate posts like the first one too. When my child was a baby, I didn't want to go away on the weekends, I wanted to be with my baby! I didn't want to go get a pedicure, I wanted to be at my house with my husband and child enjoying our little family and doing the bare minimum of household management was pretty much it.

Anyone who came that often for that long would not have been welcome in the slightest, including my own parents--and, no, visiting that often is not something I would have considered to be nice at all. Understanding the needs and wishes of new parents adjusting to a new reality and following their lead is what is nice.

And all the posts about "rolling them into your household routine"--that only works to a point. There's still work to be done to host. Whose house is ever guest ready with an infant?

^^ I agree with the above. Why should I be the one to leave the house or hide in my room? It's my house? My in-laws visited for one month and I ended up hiding in the bedroom from time to time and I felt like it was really unfair. My DH's parent's also invited themselves for that long without our consent so I felt incredibly imposed upon. That will NEVER happen again since the visit ended up being an horrific nightmare and if my DH is too "afraid" to say no, then I will.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

But what about the husband's complete disregard for what his wife has stated is an issue for her?

But about the wife's complete disregard for what her DH has stated is an issue for him? See...we could do this all day and not solve anything. TBH, this is one of those issues where OP and her DH need to compromise going in with the understanding that neither of them will get 100% of what they want. Wanting IL's to stay in a hotel is NOT a compromise.

it doesn't quite work that way, pp. You are saying the wife has complete disregard because she isn't doing exactly what DH wants as often as he wants. THe wife doesn't have complete disregard for her DH's position (parents visiting). SHe is compromising. First, by letting this go on for quite a while so far, and now, asking they stay at hotel, or not visit as much. That's compromise - NOT complete disregard.

Her DH, OTOH, is basically saying f-you. they are coming as much as they have been, staying here, end of story. That's complete disregard. See.... we can't do this all day and not solve anything.

No, what I am saying is that you can parse blame and disregard any fricking way you want and it still does not solve the problem. We can also argue until the cows come home about what a compromise would be going forward. I just think that, contrary to how a lot of people on here think, there is no "right or wrong" position here. OP is not wrong to want to limit the visits and her DH is not wrong for wanting his parents around.

I'm the pp you're responding to. Ok. I see what you're saying and agree. I thought you were making the actual statement that wife had disregard, not that playing blame game is ineffective. I agree with you on that.

I disagree that there can be a middle ground of not monthly visits. And it can happen quicker than you think that the wife is dealing with "the decisions" of DH/Son and the InlLaws if he has never quite cut the apron strings such as who will be there for what holidays, who and when will the baby go on vacation with etc. OP you may soon see that closer geographically or not, it your parents who feel left out. However, if you have other siblings with grandchildren, your folks can more easily just decide to get out of your family's drama.

Anonymous wrote:The "No's" have it. No from 1 spouse always trumps a yes from another. I'm sorry Op your husband doesn't understand this.

This is the real issue. I'm sorry Op. I'm actually am a big fan of the hotel for guests (if that is what the host wants) No right or wrong here. Plenty of people prefer that family stay and wouldn't want it any other way. But it is not up to the guests - at all. Hosts decide. And both spouses need to agree, or it should be a "No"

I agree with this with one caveat - that it a "no" with respect to both sets of parents. So, although OP's parents are local, her DH as the right to veto vistis or outings with her parents that he deems burdensome.

The "No's" have it. No from 1 spouse always trumps a yes from another. I'm sorry Op your husband doesn't understand this.

This is the real issue. I'm sorry Op. I'm actually am a big fan of the hotel for guests (if that is what the host wants) No right or wrong here. Plenty of people prefer that family stay and wouldn't want it any other way. But it is not up to the guests - at all. Hosts decide. And both spouses need to agree, or it should be a "No"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live a couple states from home, but close enough to come visit on 3 day weekends or take an extra day off. I'd say I'm there every 6-8 weeks. I stay with my brother and his wife. They just call the guest room "Susie's room" because I leave all my crap there between visits. I'm not treated as a guest. They don't take off work. They don't cook extra or anything special. I occupy myself when I'm there and they're busy - either doing things around town with friends or other family, or just do things around the house. I throw all my sheets and towels in the wash before I go, I do the dishes, and if I'm home early I'll cook everybody dinner. If you could get your ILs to understand this set up, it might be easier on you. If they still think they count as guests, you need to end that.

You go stay with your brother every 6-8 weeks? Why do you do this? Do you vacuum and mop your pubes from the bathroom floor and tub each and every time you visit? Because there are some there without a doubt, and someone has to clean them up.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! SOME FAMILIES ARE TIGHT KNIT AND FUNCTIONAL!

Some families are SAD that jobs and such have them living in other states and this is the next best thing.

Actually, I do clean my bathroom, as well as my room and the living room, and the kitchen. We are a functional, happy family. I had to move temporarily for work, but am still close to my siblings and friends. When I move back in a few months, I'd like to be able to step back into my old life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live a couple states from home, but close enough to come visit on 3 day weekends or take an extra day off. I'd say I'm there every 6-8 weeks. I stay with my brother and his wife. They just call the guest room "Susie's room" because I leave all my crap there between visits. I'm not treated as a guest. They don't take off work. They don't cook extra or anything special. I occupy myself when I'm there and they're busy - either doing things around town with friends or other family, or just do things around the house. I throw all my sheets and towels in the wash before I go, I do the dishes, and if I'm home early I'll cook everybody dinner. If you could get your ILs to understand this set up, it might be easier on you. If they still think they count as guests, you need to end that.

You go stay with your brother every 6-8 weeks? Why do you do this? Do you vacuum and mop your pubes from the bathroom floor and tub each and every time you visit? Because there are some there without a doubt, and someone has to clean them up.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! SOME FAMILIES ARE TIGHT KNIT AND FUNCTIONAL!

Some families are SAD that jobs and such have them living in other states and this is the next best thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Right...but turning them away would also be a unilateral decision and would create MORE problems than it would solve. You can win the battle but still lose the war. I agree that some sort of compromise about workload, frequency and length is in order, but my out of town parents would never be asked to stay in a hotel as a convieneience to us - so I would not ask my IL's.

But do your parents or in-laws visit for 4 days every month?

Not anymore (my kids are teens now) but when each of the kids were born, my parents visited a weekend or two every month from the second month to about the tenth month.

We have weekend guests- although usually 2 or 3 nights (if they get in late Thursday or Friday night its then 3 nights but more like 2 full days). About once a month. We have 3 'sets' of grandparents and we live away from all of them. Intergenerational bonds are something that I find really important though so the visiting is something I welcome because we don't live near them, if we did, it would be easier on me (in the sense of hosting, etc) to impart that value, but since we choose to live elsewhere if I want them to have time together, this is it.

I will say though, we don't really host anymore- they pitch in a lot and help out a lot when here.

Anonymous wrote:I live a couple states from home, but close enough to come visit on 3 day weekends or take an extra day off. I'd say I'm there every 6-8 weeks. I stay with my brother and his wife. They just call the guest room "Susie's room" because I leave all my crap there between visits. I'm not treated as a guest. They don't take off work. They don't cook extra or anything special. I occupy myself when I'm there and they're busy - either doing things around town with friends or other family, or just do things around the house. I throw all my sheets and towels in the wash before I go, I do the dishes, and if I'm home early I'll cook everybody dinner. If you could get your ILs to understand this set up, it might be easier on you. If they still think they count as guests, you need to end that.

You go stay with your brother every 6-8 weeks? Why do you do this? Do you vacuum and mop your pubes from the bathroom floor and tub each and every time you visit? Because there are some there without a doubt, and someone has to clean them up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby. The novelty will wear off soon. I think it's really nice that they are making the effort to come and see their grandchild so often. Please don't push them away for that. My kids don't have any grandparents in this country. I think you are being very mean to them and to your DH. Let them stay and do everything, and hide in your room if you can't bear it. Or make plans to go out with your friends or shopping or whatever. Better yet, try and get along with them better.

I hate this. Anytime a woman speaks up with what she wants, its MEAN. No it isn't. It's being an adult not a doormat. It is childish to put up with this.

I hate posts like the first one too. When my child was a baby, I didn't want to go away on the weekends, I wanted to be with my baby! I didn't want to go get a pedicure, I wanted to be at my house with my husband and child enjoying our little family and doing the bare minimum of household management was pretty much it.

Anyone who came that often for that long would not have been welcome in the slightest, including my own parents--and, no, visiting that often is not something I would have considered to be nice at all. Understanding the needs and wishes of new parents adjusting to a new reality and following their lead is what is nice.

And all the posts about "rolling them into your household routine"--that only works to a point. There's still work to be done to host. Whose house is ever guest ready with an infant?

I live a couple states from home, but close enough to come visit on 3 day weekends or take an extra day off. I'd say I'm there every 6-8 weeks. I stay with my brother and his wife. They just call the guest room "Susie's room" because I leave all my crap there between visits. I'm not treated as a guest. They don't take off work. They don't cook extra or anything special. I occupy myself when I'm there and they're busy - either doing things around town with friends or other family, or just do things around the house. I throw all my sheets and towels in the wash before I go, I do the dishes, and if I'm home early I'll cook everybody dinner. If you could get your ILs to understand this set up, it might be easier on you. If they still think they count as guests, you need to end that.

OP - Maybe it is time sit down with your husband and have an honest conversation about how he sees "Your Parents'" time with the new baby as perhaps more often than then thinks is typical. It also might help if you sat down with a blank calendar with him as it is a new year and tried to map out a more sensible visiting schedule taking into consideration the holidays which are important to both of you to perhaps celebrate with a particular family, rotate or have both sets to your home AND also particular family events such as birthdays. Then try together to work out visits with the out-of-town inlaws which may can include a special event such as one of their birthdays with your family, BUT ALSO do stretch out their visits and break the idea of every three weeks to your house!!

I would also say that again looking ahead in the New Year that it would be very appropriate to tell them that if they are coming for a major holiday such as Thanksgiving or Christmas that it would work best since you would be having both in-laws for baby's first ?? to have them stay out of the house as your parents are doing. "Or" tell them that you will be "rotating" who is in your home home for such a holiday from here on out. In this way, DH will get to have the joy of your parents as you have the joy of his parents.

A pattern has been allowed to be established which does not bode well for any of you. Two times in a season certainly seems reasonable rather than every month. Also, if it possible for you and DH to go to their home, then I would also suggest that so that MIL and FIL might get an idea of what it is like to "host a visitor" monthly. Make it over a holiday weekend and extend a day or so. You need to find "a voice" and soon or it will soon be 3 to 1 in many ways.