Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was made to skip a beginning season event with similar season-long consequences on the line to attend an out-of-town wedding. She was miserable until we got there and then joined in the fun with cousins, etc. She ended up having an amazing season. I know some coaches deliver on their promises regardless of the occasion, but in our case it didn't happen. It really is a tough call to make as a parent. I have a friend who is getting married (1st time) at 45 and she is dealing with a lot of this as well. It's disappointing to her because she's been to so many events for her nieces/nephews over the years (baptisms, 1st birthdays, etc.) which were important events to her siblings at the time and now they are explaining to her why their kids can't attend her wedding. OP - don't let their decision get you down! You may find yourself in the reverse situation when your nephew graduates or gets married and this will make your decision much easier!

I got married at 40 a few years ago and had this exact thing happen. My family is from the NY tri-state area and I have lived in VA for nearly 20 years, so no one in my extended family has ever been down here for something for me, but I have driven up for literally every bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, Christening, First Communion, and Confirmation in my family. I have also gone up for numerous 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and milestone birthdays. I had my bridal shower up there so that more folks from my family could come, and I sent out Save the Date notices a full 9 months before the wedding.

None of the children of my cousins in one branch of the family came to the wedding. The excuse was that they were very busy with extracurricular activities that weekend. Really, like I couldn't have been busy with lots of activities all the weekends that I came up for their events? I was incredibly hurt and disappointed. It's not just that I missed having them there for my own sake. It's that their absence changed the whole tenor of the wedding weekend, from one that would have been a shared extended family experience that we all would have looked back on together many years from now, to just something that their parents attended. We had lots of activities planned for kids that we ended up cancelling.

In the end, we had a lovely time, but it really wasn't what it could have been. But my cousins showed me what their priorities are. They always expect me to show up to make "family memories" together at their life events and their children's life events. But they are teaching their children that "family memories" are made only at their convenience, and they have no responsibility to reciprocate.

Anonymous wrote:

In the end, we had a lovely time, but it really wasn't what it could have been. But my cousins showed me what their priorities are. They always expect me to show up to make "family memories" together at their life events and their children's life events. But they are teaching their children that "family memories" are made only at their convenience, and they have no responsibility to reciprocate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was made to skip a beginning season event with similar season-long consequences on the line to attend an out-of-town wedding. She was miserable until we got there and then joined in the fun with cousins, etc. She ended up having an amazing season. I know some coaches deliver on their promises regardless of the occasion, but in our case it didn't happen. It really is a tough call to make as a parent. I have a friend who is getting married (1st time) at 45 and she is dealing with a lot of this as well. It's disappointing to her because she's been to so many events for her nieces/nephews over the years (baptisms, 1st birthdays, etc.) which were important events to her siblings at the time and now they are explaining to her why their kids can't attend her wedding. OP - don't let their decision get you down! You may find yourself in the reverse situation when your nephew graduates or gets married and this will make your decision much easier!

I got married at 40 a few years ago and had this exact thing happen. My family is from the NY tri-state area and I have lived in VA for nearly 20 years, so no one in my extended family has ever been down here for something for me, but I have driven up for literally every bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, Christening, First Communion, and Confirmation in my family. I have also gone up for numerous 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and milestone birthdays. I had my bridal shower up there so that more folks from my family could come, and I sent out Save the Date notices a full 9 months before the wedding.

None of the children of my cousins in one branch of the family came to the wedding. The excuse was that they were very busy with extracurricular activities that weekend. Really, like I couldn't have been busy with lots of activities all the weekends that I came up for their events? I was incredibly hurt and disappointed. It's not just that I missed having them there for my own sake. It's that their absence changed the whole tenor of the wedding weekend, from one that would have been a shared extended family experience that we all would have looked back on together many years from now, to just something that their parents attended. We had lots of activities planned for kids that we ended up cancelling.

In the end, we had a lovely time, but it really wasn't what it could have been. But my cousins showed me what their priorities are. They always expect me to show up to make "family memories" together at their life events and their children's life events. But they are teaching their children that "family memories" are made only at their convenience, and they have no responsibility to reciprocate.

Anonymous wrote:My child was made to skip a beginning season event with similar season-long consequences on the line to attend an out-of-town wedding. She was miserable until we got there and then joined in the fun with cousins, etc. She ended up having an amazing season. I know some coaches deliver on their promises regardless of the occasion, but in our case it didn't happen. It really is a tough call to make as a parent. I have a friend who is getting married (1st time) at 45 and she is dealing with a lot of this as well. It's disappointing to her because she's been to so many events for her nieces/nephews over the years (baptisms, 1st birthdays, etc.) which were important events to her siblings at the time and now they are explaining to her why their kids can't attend her wedding. OP - don't let their decision get you down! You may find yourself in the reverse situation when your nephew graduates or gets married and this will make your decision much easier!

Anonymous wrote:Back 20 years ago, as a freshman in hs, I was kicked off of varsity field hockey because I chose to attend a family event rather than a tournament. It was not a special tournament and I was not given an ultimatum by the coach like if you attend then.... I was told I was no longer a member of the team when I went to see her to let her know I would be missing the tournament. It was a complete shock to me and my parents. Most of my ream went on to play field hockey on scholarship in college- big ramifications for me. In the end, it worked out fine but I really missed being on the team since they were most of my close friends.

That being said, kids sports are completely absurd. I feel for you, try to handle it gracefully. Congrats on your big day!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is pretty fact specific, and I would suggest that OP have sister explore the situation further.

On the side of going to the wedding you have: (a) close relationship between sisters and with niece and nephew and (b) it is a small wedding and nephew has a role if he attends (reading) so he would be missed if he does not attend.

On the sports side of things -- I would suggest the sister have a face to face meeting with the coach to get a handle on (a) where her kid stands with respect to the team; and (b) how important the tournament is to the team. A 14 year old making a varsity soccer team could be because he is a very good player or because the team is not very good. It would be important to know the role of the tournament. Is the coach using that as a way to finalize the varsity team (i.e. an extended tryout) and is the nephew on the bubble of making the team or not. Is the tournament more of an opportunity to get a first look at how the team might come together -- try and figure out who will play what positions? If it is not an extended tryout and if it is not make or break for the kid then go to the wedding for sure. The only way to know that for sure is to have the conversation.

I suspect that IF the kid is a good player the coach already has a position in mind and missing the tournament is not a huge deal. If the kid is on the bubble the ramification may be that he does not make the varsity team. As a soccer parent -- I can say that may not be a bad thing. From the parent side of things I would be more than a little leery of a 14 year old on varsity unless you are talking about a very small school that also plays other very small schools so that it is common for young kids to play on varsity. The size and strength differences between 14 year old freshmen guys and 18 year old seniors is a serious issue. That physical difference is not as apparent in the girls high school game. Also, from a team bonding thing you do have to keep a close eye out as seniors and juniors are into very different things than freshmen. It would be cool for a freshmen to be on a varsity team but the experience may not be all that great. It may well be better to be a very good player on a JV team with kids more his age. Again though, all of this is very fact specific.

Nope, don't do this. Let it go. Your sister made her decision; whether it was the right one or the wrong one, OP should not be spending emotional time and energy trying to micromanage her sister's family life. This is how minor family disagreements become major ones.

Anonymous wrote:OP: In our school they are very vindictive if you miss a tournament for ANY reason. They just are. So nephew will be sitting on the bench unless he is a star for the rest of the season. I would let him miss the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:All of this is pretty fact specific, and I would suggest that OP have sister explore the situation further.

On the side of going to the wedding you have: (a) close relationship between sisters and with niece and nephew and (b) it is a small wedding and nephew has a role if he attends (reading) so he would be missed if he does not attend.

On the sports side of things -- I would suggest the sister have a face to face meeting with the coach to get a handle on (a) where her kid stands with respect to the team; and (b) how important the tournament is to the team. A 14 year old making a varsity soccer team could be because he is a very good player or because the team is not very good. It would be important to know the role of the tournament. Is the coach using that as a way to finalize the varsity team (i.e. an extended tryout) and is the nephew on the bubble of making the team or not. Is the tournament more of an opportunity to get a first look at how the team might come together -- try and figure out who will play what positions? If it is not an extended tryout and if it is not make or break for the kid then go to the wedding for sure. The only way to know that for sure is to have the conversation.

I suspect that IF the kid is a good player the coach already has a position in mind and missing the tournament is not a huge deal. If the kid is on the bubble the ramification may be that he does not make the varsity team. As a soccer parent -- I can say that may not be a bad thing. From the parent side of things I would be more than a little leery of a 14 year old on varsity unless you are talking about a very small school that also plays other very small schools so that it is common for young kids to play on varsity. The size and strength differences between 14 year old freshmen guys and 18 year old seniors is a serious issue. That physical difference is not as apparent in the girls high school game. Also, from a team bonding thing you do have to keep a close eye out as seniors and juniors are into very different things than freshmen. It would be cool for a freshmen to be on a varsity team but the experience may not be all that great. It may well be better to be a very good player on a JV team with kids more his age. Again though, all of this is very fact specific.