Anonymous wrote:I think most families in real life don't have nearly as many boundaries as DCUM. In my family, and probably most, some one would have already just asked them.

Yup
I think the level of hyper boundaries that some advocate on here is just as dysfunctional as those with NO boundaries. most families are just navigating the normal middle ground.

I think most families in real life don't have nearly as many boundaries as DCUM. In my family, and probably most, some one would have already just asked them.

This may be difficult to understand, but I will provide my somewhat unfeeling opinion anyway. I was a teacher, a special education middle school teacher for many years. We are in love with babies, not so much with older kids. It is painful when you're friends all start to get married, have kids, etc. What is painful about not having kids? It is tough to be at that stage of life and have to hear about your friends engagements, weddings, baby showers, etc.

Like the girl in high school who didn't get asked to the prom, you feel left out, only if it bothers you.

What often hurts, are the "mean girl" comments made by women with kids to those who are childfree/less. They make rude comments about my "selfishness" or even call me "selfish" for not having kids. I probably spent more time taking care of other people's kids as a teacher than they spent with their own. I also volunteer my time to worthy causes that benefit kids.

This competition between women never changes or improves with age, so be a better person and don't participate. In the nursing home, women in their 80s will brag and be mean to other women based on how often they see or hear from their children and grandchildren. Think of how painful it would be if your children died before you, and the other mean girls in the nursing home bragged about how their kids were still alive.

Just awful of women to be that way to each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't ask. But when I said I finally had to say "we are trying", I think it is relevant that my husband and I actually got pregnant within 2 years of getting married and within 4 years of beginning our relationship. So my frustration with my family was that they wanted a honeymoon baby and I wanted a little married life before kids. I basically got home from the honeymoon and the henpecking started. Little did I know that I actually couldn't have gotten pregnant at that time. I only learned about the fertility issues after trying for a while (cuz that is how it works).

I am just reminded of the thread on here a few weeks ago where a person without kids asked about people being hostile to people who don't want kids. I am not hostile but I just wonder if they have made a choice--it is normal to wonder. They have been together a long time and they aren't getting any younger.

As I said, I won't ask and whoever said if I have to ask if it is ok, then it probably isn't, is right.

If the in-laws are expecting you to hang onto all of your old baby stuff (crib, clothes, bouncy chairs, high chair, etc) just in case these two decide to become parents some day...well, that's BS. You don't have to do that for them. Do save (or give back) special family items like Grandpa's silver baby spoon or hand knitted clothes, etc. But your house is not a warehouse.

I think it would be fine to say - "We're seriously running out of space in our house and we need to get rid of some these baby items. If anyone would like them, please feel free to come by and get them. Otherwise, they will be going out for the yard sale."

This -- I'm with the folks who say it's none of your business, but I didnt consider you might be weighing whether to save stuff or not. It's still none of your business whether they're planning to have kids or not, but I think you CAN say, "we have a bunch of baby stuff, and I thought about donating it, but before I do that, is there anything you think you might want me to hold on to?"

Note: if you're asking that as a way to get a hint of their childrearing plans, DON'T; if you're asking because you genuinely want to know what to do with your stuff, then that's ok.