Anonymous wrote:OP here. I like the "bring desert" idea, too. I will have to decide which to do.

Funny story. Mil does make one desert. No more than 10 pieces of fudge. For 30 people. So it's a free for all! I just wanted to give you the whole picture

I don't know if she doesn't make enough, or it is left over from bridge club, or whatever. But I know (and she knows) that the fudge is the most popular. It's actually pretty funny to watch. Maybe I'll bring more fudge, so there will be enough for everyone. I like that idea.

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for (sort of) explaining. I was one of the truly baffled PPs who couldn't understand the whole set up. So, if I understand, there's not a sit-down dinner. It's more like buffet, but even with that, no one really sits at a table to eat (no room) so more like an appetizer type party but with dinner-type food? Now it makes sense. And when you get there, everyone is standing around mingling with plates in hand and buffet table has scraps/crumbs.

Now that I understand, I want to offer another bit of advice. You mention that a day or two after xmas you go to other family and they feed you. Are they close enough where you could go there first - for like a late lunch type meal? then head over to MILs afterwards? I'm guessing that it's not really a holiday type meal at MILs anyway since there's no where to sit, and you have to manage you and your kids meals. Or like others have said - make a nice lunch at home - a big holiday lunch/brunch and have them fill up on that before heading to MILs. Don't get there early just to get a piece of the dinner. don't think of it as a Christmas dinner. think of it as a holiday party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they actually sit down for dinner? Is there a place for everyone at the table? Are they done with dessert by the time you get there?

If there's not a proper meal served, I don't really understand the point of going there for "Christmas dinner", when there's no actual dinner. Can you do dinner with your family? Do you travel to see these people? I'd plan for a meal elsewhere, and then like a pp suggested, just show up with a dessert to share with them.

I think for most people the focus is less the food than the sharing of the meal. I'd honestly be more pissed/disappointed that there was no actual meal than that the food was gone. Even if there was enough food for us, it would be weird to sit and eat it if everyone else had already gone ahead and eaten their food without us.

They do not sit down. They stand up, there is not enough room for everyone. Mil keeps inviting more people, with the same amount of food. Like I said, it is baffling. I think she believes it is a contest of some sort: "how many people can this small turkey feed? Let's see!". I have to keep my sense of humor.

It is just our nuclear family, other than DH's family who lives close by, but never sees us, except maybe twice per year.

I definitely agree sharing of the meal is key! Thank you for touching upon that. My experience is polar opposite DH's, which adds to my confusion. Why would anyone keep inviting more people, yet never have enough food? Yikes.

OP here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just:
(1) get the time from MIL
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.

As someone who comes from a dysfunctional family, I think the problem is that it is not dysfunctional enough for you DH to overcome the societal pressure of fidelity to blood relatives. Personally, my family is so dysfunctional that I reached a point when I asked myself, why am I spending time with these people. The only answer I had was I was related to them, and I decided that was not enough of a reason.



Thank you, you get it. This is what I was looking for - someone with a dysfunctional family (and someone who admits it!), who understands what I do not. There are too many posters here with too much time on their hands. Thank you for the helpful posts, no thank you for the not helpful ones. Dh is not yet ready to admit how screwed up they are. I suspect negative attention is better than no attention, in his book. he seems a bit conditioned, sadly.

What kind of therapy did you look for, to be at peace with this kind of family? I am at a loss, and appreciate your help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just:
(1) get the time from MIL
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.

Thank you, you get it. This is what I was looking for - someone with a dysfunctional family (and someone who admits it!), who understands what I do not. There are too many posters here with too much time on their hands. Thank you for the helpful posts, no thank you for the not helpful ones. Dh is not yet ready to admit how screwed up they are. I suspect negative attention is better than no attention, in his book. he seems a bit conditioned, sadly.

What kind of therapy did you look for, to be at peace with this kind of family? I am at a loss, and appreciate your help.

I expect that's why he married you.

Anonymous wrote:I find this story incredible to believe. If you picture what OP wrote, you get cavemen and women eating with their hands and fighting for every crumb, leaving bones and grease on empty plates.

I have a feeling OP is like my brother and SIL. Come late, bring nothing and expect it all to be there when their royal asses arrive. Then have the nerve to not only want plates to bring home but if they brought anything, take that back too.

If this story were even partly true, why would anyone put up with this abuse year after year after year ? I know I wouldn't.

Anonymous wrote:Do they actually sit down for dinner? Is there a place for everyone at the table? Are they done with dessert by the time you get there?

If there's not a proper meal served, I don't really understand the point of going there for "Christmas dinner", when there's no actual dinner. Can you do dinner with your family? Do you travel to see these people? I'd plan for a meal elsewhere, and then like a pp suggested, just show up with a dessert to share with them.

I think for most people the focus is less the food than the sharing of the meal. I'd honestly be more pissed/disappointed that there was no actual meal than that the food was gone. Even if there was enough food for us, it would be weird to sit and eat it if everyone else had already gone ahead and eaten their food without us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just:
(1) get the time from MIL
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.

Thank you, you get it. This is what I was looking for - someone with a dysfunctional family (and someone who admits it!), who understands what I do not. There are too many posters here with too much time on their hands. Thank you for the helpful posts, no thank you for the not helpful ones. Dh is not yet ready to admit how screwed up they are. I suspect negative attention is better than no attention, in his book. he seems a bit conditioned, sadly.

What kind of therapy did you look for, to be at peace with this kind of family? I am at a loss, and appreciate your help.

Anonymous wrote:OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just:
(1) get the time from MIL
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.