Anonymous
12/18/2014 00:39
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
It's as if colleges are on break or something. Or maybe the stress of the holidays is just bringing out the crazy/nasty side of people.
Thank you to the thoughtful posters, particularly the one who has described methods of change and dealing with BPD in oneself. I'm currently trying to support someone who is sincerely working on this kind of change, and it's a real struggle for them, and draining and a bit scary for me.
Thank you to the thoughtful posters, particularly the one who has described methods of change and dealing with BPD in oneself. I'm currently trying to support someone who is sincerely working on this kind of change, and it's a real struggle for them, and draining and a bit scary for me.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 21:22
Subject: Re:Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.
Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.
Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.
I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.
Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?
+1. It sounds like you just want to trash her and make her the crazy one and you the well-adjusted one. This is black and white thinking.
Who are you people who come to these threads, posting your uninformed troll opinions? What do you think you are achieving? I don't get it.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 17:59
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:Former here again, to the PP with the wife, does she think her behavior is a problem? Does she care that she's alienated her family?
If she does, she can be helped. One problem with BPD is that they cannot recognize the connection between their behavior and the outcome. You can help her realize that her behavior helps shape the negative outcomes she is experiencing. This may sound obvious to most people, but BPD have low-impulse control and they truly do not see this.
I remember "teaching" myself that when i was upset I should think about what I wanted to do (lashing out) and what the end result was that I wanted (to be loved, accepted) and whether the first would take me on the road to the second. and if not WHERE did the first road lead? and also, WHAT was the road to the second result.
So I would allow myself to feel the rage, write about it, fume about it, maybe vent to a close friend, but NOT act on it with the involved party. Then, when I was calmer, take the action that i thought would bring me the result I wanted.
This felt a) fake and b) incredibly frightening to admit I was feeling hurt when it felt so much "safer" to lash out in anger, which made me feel in control.
It is a learning process.
This was helpful to me.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 17:16
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure I have bpd. I hate people and I wish the world and everyone in it would disappear. I want to either die or be locked in some guys basement forever. (Any guys interested let me know )
I hate when I get asked questions like : what do you enjoy? I enjoy nothing I have learned to lie and say I enjoy traveling, tennis and scrap booking. Truth is I HATE all of that. A few days ago while driving I started screaming I hate scrap booking at the top of my lungs. I was taught to have no personality and to have no likes or opinions. So when asked sometimes I'm just real and those dates end poorly.
Just get a therapist and this will give you a starting place.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 17:13
Subject: Re:Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.
Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.
Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.
I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.
Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?
+1. It sounds like you just want to trash her and make her the crazy one and you the well-adjusted one. This is black and white thinking.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 17:13
Subject: Re:Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:+1. It sounds like you just want to trash her and make her the crazy one and you the well-adjusted one. This is black and white thinking.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You set boundaries with her, which it sounds like you're already doing. If you're not in the mood to talk to her, don't answer the phone. If she starts behaving unpleasantly when you're on the phone, you get off.
Then, you try to get to a place where you fully accept that none of this has anything to do with you, that it's the result of her own illness. A few sessions with a counselor of your own might be really helpful for sorting through your feelings on this and finding some peace.
Thanks. Trust me, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I am one of the few people in my family who have invested in therapy and I think I have a very healthy sense of boundaries now as a result. I have cut her off for long periods of time in the past because her irrational abuse is not my burden to bear and I will not allow myself to be treated that way. I do not raise my voice to her. I will not engage in the fight. I know that to some extent she cannot help being the way she is, but on the other hand I find that to be a cop out. I am not and will not be an enabler. I guess where I'm struggling is the line between realizing that I cannot change her and letting it be known that, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me, that I will not make excuses for nor will I tolerate her behavior.
I guess it may just be the case that this process of setting boundaries and the ups and downs of limiting contact at times will just always be the way it will be. Which honestly is just exhausting to think about.
Sounds like it would be best for HER if you stayed away. You seem so angry. Are you sure you don't have the diagnosis mixed up? Like its you with BPD?
Anonymous
12/17/2014 16:33
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Former here again, to the PP with the wife, does she think her behavior is a problem? Does she care that she's alienated her family?
If she does, she can be helped. One problem with BPD is that they cannot recognize the connection between their behavior and the outcome. You can help her realize that her behavior helps shape the negative outcomes she is experiencing. This may sound obvious to most people, but BPD have low-impulse control and they truly do not see this.
I remember "teaching" myself that when i was upset I should think about what I wanted to do (lashing out) and what the end result was that I wanted (to be loved, accepted) and whether the first would take me on the road to the second. and if not WHERE did the first road lead? and also, WHAT was the road to the second result.
So I would allow myself to feel the rage, write about it, fume about it, maybe vent to a close friend, but NOT act on it with the involved party. Then, when I was calmer, take the action that i thought would bring me the result I wanted.
This felt a) fake and b) incredibly frightening to admit I was feeling hurt when it felt so much "safer" to lash out in anger, which made me feel in control.
It is a learning process.
If she does, she can be helped. One problem with BPD is that they cannot recognize the connection between their behavior and the outcome. You can help her realize that her behavior helps shape the negative outcomes she is experiencing. This may sound obvious to most people, but BPD have low-impulse control and they truly do not see this.
I remember "teaching" myself that when i was upset I should think about what I wanted to do (lashing out) and what the end result was that I wanted (to be loved, accepted) and whether the first would take me on the road to the second. and if not WHERE did the first road lead? and also, WHAT was the road to the second result.
So I would allow myself to feel the rage, write about it, fume about it, maybe vent to a close friend, but NOT act on it with the involved party. Then, when I was calmer, take the action that i thought would bring me the result I wanted.
This felt a) fake and b) incredibly frightening to admit I was feeling hurt when it felt so much "safer" to lash out in anger, which made me feel in control.
It is a learning process.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 16:18
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure I have bpd. I hate people and I wish the world and everyone in it would disappear. I want to either die or be locked in some guys basement forever. (Any guys interested let me know )
I hate when I get asked questions like : what do you enjoy? I enjoy nothing I have learned to lie and say I enjoy traveling, tennis and scrap booking. Truth is I HATE all of that. A few days ago while driving I started screaming I hate scrap booking at the top of my lungs. I was taught to have no personality and to have no likes or opinions. So when asked sometimes I'm just real and those dates end poorly.
Former BPD here: I really don't think this is BPD. Sounds like you are seriously depressed and should seek therapy. The hallmark of a BPD person is drama, not misanthropy or depression. Not that you can't be depressed when you have BPD, but it manifests itself differently.
Ironically, a lot of BPD people seem very social, outgoing, funny at first blush. They often have great stories, are fun at parties. Of course they are! They have no boundaries or impulse control, so that can make for some fun times. But when they feel threatened or rejected they can lash out in completely unexpected and cruel ways that seem appropriate to them and to no one else. Then they are genuinely hurt that the person they lashed out at retreats and does not want to interact. Often they will then turn on the charm and be wonderful again to "woo" that person back, until the next blow up, or nasty remark or whatever. It can be a very complicated relationship, one that leaves the non-BPD emotionally exhausted, confused etc.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 16:04
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:Honestly if she does not see a problem there is nothing you can do.
I burned through so many jobs, friends and relationships that I finally had to admit it was me, not them.
Until she hits this rock bottom place and realizes she is the source of her problems, she will not change. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Chances are she, like I was, offer many good traits during the good times/highs that it can be hard to disentangle.
She, as I did, probably feeds off your emotional state and the emotions of others. You're going to have to cut off the source of her juice--your emotional engagement. Don't take the bait. BPDs don't mind at all when people get angry with them because it confirms their world view and fosters teir sense of righteous indignation.
What they can't handle is calm collected loving boundaries, mostly because they never had them before!!
GL
OP here and I totally agree with this. Once I learned how to not engage with the anger and instead remain calm and reiterate boundaries, my relationship with my sister, while still strained, got much better. Another big thing is validating that you understand her feelings without playing into them. But yes, if your wife doesn't want to change she won't. My family has learned this lesson the hard way over and over again. I feel your pain and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine having a spouse with this disorder, whom you can't distance yourself from when needed.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 15:54
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Pretty sure I have bpd. I hate people and I wish the world and everyone in it would disappear. I want to either die or be locked in some guys basement forever. (Any guys interested let me know )
I hate when I get asked questions like : what do you enjoy? I enjoy nothing I have learned to lie and say I enjoy traveling, tennis and scrap booking. Truth is I HATE all of that. A few days ago while driving I started screaming I hate scrap booking at the top of my lungs. I was taught to have no personality and to have no likes or opinions. So when asked sometimes I'm just real and those dates end poorly.
I hate when I get asked questions like : what do you enjoy? I enjoy nothing I have learned to lie and say I enjoy traveling, tennis and scrap booking. Truth is I HATE all of that. A few days ago while driving I started screaming I hate scrap booking at the top of my lungs. I was taught to have no personality and to have no likes or opinions. So when asked sometimes I'm just real and those dates end poorly.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 15:38
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Honestly if she does not see a problem there is nothing you can do.
I burned through so many jobs, friends and relationships that I finally had to admit it was me, not them.
Until she hits this rock bottom place and realizes she is the source of her problems, she will not change. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Chances are she, like I was, offer many good traits during the good times/highs that it can be hard to disentangle.
She, as I did, probably feeds off your emotional state and the emotions of others. You're going to have to cut off the source of her juice--your emotional engagement. Don't take the bait. BPDs don't mind at all when people get angry with them because it confirms their world view and fosters teir sense of righteous indignation.
What they can't handle is calm collected loving boundaries, mostly because they never had them before!!
GL
I burned through so many jobs, friends and relationships that I finally had to admit it was me, not them.
Until she hits this rock bottom place and realizes she is the source of her problems, she will not change. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Chances are she, like I was, offer many good traits during the good times/highs that it can be hard to disentangle.
She, as I did, probably feeds off your emotional state and the emotions of others. You're going to have to cut off the source of her juice--your emotional engagement. Don't take the bait. BPDs don't mind at all when people get angry with them because it confirms their world view and fosters teir sense of righteous indignation.
What they can't handle is calm collected loving boundaries, mostly because they never had them before!!
GL
Anonymous
12/17/2014 15:34
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:PP, what did it take for you to change? My DW has alienated everyone in our family and I am on the verge of filing for divorce. She just seems to keep going down the road to self destruction and there is nothing I ca do about it.
She needs to want to change. Does she recognize what she is doing at all?
Anonymous
12/17/2014 15:02
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
PP, what did it take for you to change? My DW has alienated everyone in our family and I am on the verge of filing for divorce. She just seems to keep going down the road to self destruction and there is nothing I ca do about it.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 14:37
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:Those of you who seem to not understand BPD might want to read this:
http://www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/bpd-relationships/
I'm the PP who had BPD when younger and changed. Just read that article and WOW it is spot on.
No one with BPD can change unless they want to. And it will take realizing that she is her own worst enemy. I remember realizing this and how profoundly lonely and depressed it made me.
For someone with BPD there is something comforting and familiar about being in the eye of the hurricane, the middle of drama and conflict. You are alive, people are responding to you, you are not invisible etc. Silence, calm, order etc. seem foreign at best and like a lack of love and death at worst.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 14:17
Subject: Anyone have experience with borderline personality disorder?
Those of you who seem to not understand BPD might want to read this:
http://www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/bpd-relationships/
http://www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/bpd-relationships/