Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:46
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:OP, can you please explain exactly what did to betray you? Was it that she proposed lying about this to DH?
Betray is too strong a word, I agree - but I don't know of a better one. "Violate" sounds even worse!
I just think she made a bad judgment call and missed an opportunity to make something right, failing to recognize that this could have long-term consequences even if the lie never came to light. I think she was probably coming from a (well intentioned) place of, if she never finds out about it, then no harm done ... but I just fundamentally don't think that is true about lies of this nature. I think this had a profoundly negative effect on my relationship with her just because I felt so odd about the strange display she put on that whole week, and from there I kind of held her at arms' distance and was subconsciously more predisposed to feel negatively about things she said and did.
Do I know how much of this was due to the lie? Of course not... maybe it would have been the same regardless. But it's just hard wondering if things could have been better.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:45
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Bye, Felecia!
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:41
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:OP you're getting some rough treatment here.
FWIW my DH and I have had occasional issues around him sharing personal (to me/us) info with my FIL. I have a somewhat strained relationship with my FIL anyway, but to me, these instances don't make me angry with my FIL or make me rethink our relationship. To me, the issue is that it seems/feels like DH is still in a place where his family of origin comes first, while I feel like now that we are married with kids we are the family he should feel primary allegiance to. But I get that for some people that is hard.
I do think your DH betrayed your trust. First, he did something he said he wouldn't do. Then, he kept it from you for a long time. So I do understand feeling betrayed by him.
As for your MIL, would your expectation be that she tell you directly, "I already knew"? That seems like a major intrusion. Perhaps she could have said to your DH that he should tell you, and maybe she did, but that seems to me like really overstepping parental boundaries.
Thanks - this is really helpful. You're right, I wouldn't expect her to tell me she knew, necessarily, although that would have been one option. My hope would have been that she would tell her son, "you should tell her that I know" instead of manufacturing a spectacle to deceive me. and/or after I had made clear that the spectacle was not going over well with me, to fess up instead of (when her son wanted to fess up), telling him not to. I think it was just basic poor judgment on her part, I don't think she's evil, but I can't trust her and feel sad about that.
I do believe strongly that open communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, so that is part of where my strong feelings are coming from here. People who feel less strongly about open communication probably wouldn't mind it as much.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:36
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
OP you're getting some rough treatment here.
FWIW my DH and I have had occasional issues around him sharing personal (to me/us) info with my FIL. I have a somewhat strained relationship with my FIL anyway, but to me, these instances don't make me angry with my FIL or make me rethink our relationship. To me, the issue is that it seems/feels like DH is still in a place where his family of origin comes first, while I feel like now that we are married with kids we are the family he should feel primary allegiance to. But I get that for some people that is hard.
I do think your DH betrayed your trust. First, he did something he said he wouldn't do. Then, he kept it from you for a long time. So I do understand feeling betrayed by him.
As for your MIL, would your expectation be that she tell you directly, "I already knew"? That seems like a major intrusion. Perhaps she could have said to your DH that he should tell you, and maybe she did, but that seems to me like really overstepping parental boundaries.
FWIW my DH and I have had occasional issues around him sharing personal (to me/us) info with my FIL. I have a somewhat strained relationship with my FIL anyway, but to me, these instances don't make me angry with my FIL or make me rethink our relationship. To me, the issue is that it seems/feels like DH is still in a place where his family of origin comes first, while I feel like now that we are married with kids we are the family he should feel primary allegiance to. But I get that for some people that is hard.
I do think your DH betrayed your trust. First, he did something he said he wouldn't do. Then, he kept it from you for a long time. So I do understand feeling betrayed by him.
As for your MIL, would your expectation be that she tell you directly, "I already knew"? That seems like a major intrusion. Perhaps she could have said to your DH that he should tell you, and maybe she did, but that seems to me like really overstepping parental boundaries.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:36
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
OP, can you please explain exactly what did to betray you? Was it that she proposed lying about this to DH?
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:36
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation with my DH and in-laws, including infertility, to the point I wondered if I had changed details and had actually posted this!
- We don't know how/ why the husband told the MIL (do we)?
- The issue is with the DH; he went out of the bounds of marriage and broke trust. Yes, it IS a big deal. Maybe the PPs who are saying "You are a ninny' are either weird,. in terrible relationships, or just trolling to be mean (I Guess the last one)
- Many in-law relationships change around pregnancy/first babies, so I wouldn't nec. ascribe everything to this lie (although it sounds like a biggie it may have happened anyway)
- It was a terrible think for your MIL to ask be lied about , and a terrible thing for him to agree to lie about (telling her about something going on in your body w/o your consent).
- If this is in anyway, shape or form emblematic of your relationship with your DH, I'd find a good therapist for help now- better to have overkill on something as important as trust and betrayal and your reproductive system (before you turn into a meanie poster yourself)!
- TO answer the matter at hand, I think you need to talk to your husband about whether the three of you speak together- your saying, I have already addressed DH's betrayal, he stands me up 100%, now I need to address yours b/c I want to have a real relationship with you or if your husband talks to her without you.
- I don't think you will ever have a good relationship with this woman, unless you are exceptionally good at forgiving and there is a real basis for solid relationship here (Which it sounds likethereis not after the last 2 years). Still if you feel like you are seething inside everytime you see her perhaps a conversation could get you to socially-less-difficult relationship.
Thanks. I already know the trolls are fierce in this forum so I expected it. I should probably just ignore.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:34
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Shall we count the number of times the OP has been told she's a drama queen? ANd the number of times she's already posted about this? Anyone still not think she's blowing this out of proportion?
Bc I'm responding to my own thread?
I'm just looking for help. Even if I am wrong to be hurt about this, it's not going to help me not hurt for you to say that. So... just not sure what to do. Kill myself?
No, I believe the recommendation was let it go. Move on.
But sure, that'll work, Drama Queen. Thanks for proving that point again.
oops, you didn't get that it was a joke.
All I've been trying to say is that "let it go" isn't helpful when I'm not emotionally able to do that. Some have offered suggestions as to how, for which I am grateful.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:33
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Shall we count the number of times the OP has been told she's a drama queen? ANd the number of times she's already posted about this? Anyone still not think she's blowing this out of proportion?
Bc I'm responding to my own thread?
I'm just looking for help. Even if I am wrong to be hurt about this, it's not going to help me not hurt for you to say that. So... just not sure what to do. Kill myself?
by the way, I'm kidding, lest anyone try to use this as evidence of me being a drama queen
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:32
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Shall we count the number of times the OP has been told she's a drama queen? ANd the number of times she's already posted about this? Anyone still not think she's blowing this out of proportion?
Bc I'm responding to my own thread?
I'm just looking for help. Even if I am wrong to be hurt about this, it's not going to help me not hurt for you to say that. So... just not sure what to do. Kill myself?
No, I believe the recommendation was let it go. Move on.
But sure, that'll work, Drama Queen. Thanks for proving that point again.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:31
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
I had a similar situation with my DH and in-laws, including infertility, to the point I wondered if I had changed details and had actually posted this!
- We don't know how/ why the husband told the MIL (do we)?
- The issue is with the DH; he went out of the bounds of marriage and broke trust. Yes, it IS a big deal. Maybe the PPs who are saying "You are a ninny' are either weird,. in terrible relationships, or just trolling to be mean (I Guess the last one)
- Many in-law relationships change around pregnancy/first babies, so I wouldn't nec. ascribe everything to this lie (although it sounds like a biggie it may have happened anyway)
- It was a terrible think for your MIL to ask be lied about , and a terrible thing for him to agree to lie about (telling her about something going on in your body w/o your consent).
- If this is in anyway, shape or form emblematic of your relationship with your DH, I'd find a good therapist for help now- better to have overkill on something as important as trust and betrayal and your reproductive system (before you turn into a meanie poster yourself)!
- TO answer the matter at hand, I think you need to talk to your husband about whether the three of you speak together- your saying, I have already addressed DH's betrayal, he stands me up 100%, now I need to address yours b/c I want to have a real relationship with you or if your husband talks to her without you.
- I don't think you will ever have a good relationship with this woman, unless you are exceptionally good at forgiving and there is a real basis for solid relationship here (Which it sounds likethereis not after the last 2 years). Still if you feel like you are seething inside everytime you see her perhaps a conversation could get you to socially-less-difficult relationship.
- We don't know how/ why the husband told the MIL (do we)?
- The issue is with the DH; he went out of the bounds of marriage and broke trust. Yes, it IS a big deal. Maybe the PPs who are saying "You are a ninny' are either weird,. in terrible relationships, or just trolling to be mean (I Guess the last one)
- Many in-law relationships change around pregnancy/first babies, so I wouldn't nec. ascribe everything to this lie (although it sounds like a biggie it may have happened anyway)
- It was a terrible think for your MIL to ask be lied about , and a terrible thing for him to agree to lie about (telling her about something going on in your body w/o your consent).
- If this is in anyway, shape or form emblematic of your relationship with your DH, I'd find a good therapist for help now- better to have overkill on something as important as trust and betrayal and your reproductive system (before you turn into a meanie poster yourself)!
- TO answer the matter at hand, I think you need to talk to your husband about whether the three of you speak together- your saying, I have already addressed DH's betrayal, he stands me up 100%, now I need to address yours b/c I want to have a real relationship with you or if your husband talks to her without you.
- I don't think you will ever have a good relationship with this woman, unless you are exceptionally good at forgiving and there is a real basis for solid relationship here (Which it sounds likethereis not after the last 2 years). Still if you feel like you are seething inside everytime you see her perhaps a conversation could get you to socially-less-difficult relationship.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:31
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Shall we count the number of times the OP has been told she's a drama queen? ANd the number of times she's already posted about this? Anyone still not think she's blowing this out of proportion?
Bc I'm responding to my own thread?
I'm just looking for help. Even if I am wrong to be hurt about this, it's not going to help me not hurt for you to say that. So... just not sure what to do. Kill myself?
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:31
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What you've succeeded in doing is ensuring your DH (and probably ILs) think twice before being honest with you. What do they have to gain from it? Not much, it seems. This is what you'll also be teaching your kids. I feel sorry for your husband and predict divorce is in yoru future. You'd be much better off with someone better suited to your needs.
Well, DH disagrees with you. He recognizes the weight and strain that this lie has put on various relationships here, and definitely feels much better having told me about it. He also agrees that it would have been much better to tell me earlier.
Good luck with your pro-deception worldview though!
Might want to allow for the fact that you're probably bugging the shit out of him and it's easier to agree with you than to listen to you drone on and on and on about this. Look at how much you've posted on the topic, and how many people have been trying to tell you here you're off base. You don't want to hear it. Poor guy has to live with you. Of course he's just going to tell you what you want to hear so he can move on.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:30
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:You guys seem to be coming from a place of not believing that deception can set a bad tone for relationships. My experience has been that it definitely can, and has here. It's not the 2 days of annoyance that I'm upset about, it's the fact that they would lie to me forever about something they both knew I cared about.
So it WAS not being able to announce your pregnancy in the manner you desired.......
Huh?
Right, it was not the issue of being able to announce the pregnancy in a certain way. Is that what you were saying? If not, I'm confused. I think that this lie has materially negatively impacted my relationship with my MIL, because I do believe that these things can be toxic. If you don't, then fine - but that's what is upsetting me here.
If DH had told me he told his mom, I would have been mad briefly, then told my own parents.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:30
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Shall we count the number of times the OP has been told she's a drama queen? ANd the number of times she's already posted about this? Anyone still not think she's blowing this out of proportion?
Anonymous
12/08/2014 13:28
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:What you've succeeded in doing is ensuring your DH (and probably ILs) think twice before being honest with you. What do they have to gain from it? Not much, it seems. This is what you'll also be teaching your kids. I feel sorry for your husband and predict divorce is in yoru future. You'd be much better off with someone better suited to your needs.
Well, DH disagrees with you. He recognizes the weight and strain that this lie has put on various relationships here, and definitely feels much better having told me about it. He also agrees that it would have been much better to tell me earlier.
Good luck with your pro-deception worldview though!