Anonymous wrote:She quit AND this: "I'm OP. Not to get into the weeds on the math, but we are still paying for school for the older. DW's salary covered infant care for both kids, her retirement, our healthcare, and there was a couple of hundred bucks at the end of month. So, it was a wash in her mind but not mine. We use my health insurance (crappier)."

why do people post w/o reading?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've asked but honestly gotten nowhere. When I press the issue I get tears and it's just too much and counter-productive because we are getting nowhere. Hence why I started therapy. I am coming to terms with the choice despite not being thrilled about it. I am just hoping it passes.

Are you listening to what she says when you ask her about it, and empathizing with and respecting her feelings and thoughts that she communicates to you? Or are you dismissing any answer that isn't in agreement with your opinion on the matter? From this post, it sounds like you ask about her going back to paid work, she gives an answer that isn't the one you wanted to hear, you "press the issue" (i.e. keep asking the same question), and she cries because you are hounding her about the same thing over and over and not even listening to or caring about her answer.

That may or may not be what's happening. And you have extremely valid points and feelings of your own. I'm just pointing out that the root of your problem is a communication problem with your wife, not a money/work problem. Nothing will get better for either of you until you can communicate and really listen to and understand and respect each other's feelings and thoughts.

+1. She isn't going to talk with you unless you are truly willing to hear what she is saying, even if it isn't what you want to hear. You need to work with your own therapist on your listening skills. No wonder she's crying-- SAHM isn't a good fit for her, having two little kids is exhausting, her marriage is in trouble, her husband is not listening, and finding a job is really hard when you have been out of the workforce and have family responsibilities. Boo hoody hoo it isn't what you planned, back when both of you were young and energetic and had no clue what parenting is really like. Nobody has the right to the life they planned on having.

It sounds like you will accept nothing other than having her go back to work, regardless of what she says, so you're being pretty unilateral yourself. Yet you still haven't explained how she can work with your current job being un-family-friendly. How many days a month can you miss for kid stuff? Can you miss work on short notice if a kid wakes up in the morning with a fever? You need to get real about the logistics before you start making demands of your wife.

Nobody has the right to shrug off financial responsibilities just because they don't feel like it anymore. Absent in your justification of his wife's behavior is her de facto forcing him to become a sole breadwinner with no accounting of what it does to the family budget, and his feelings, too. Just because she feels like staying at home doesn't mean he has to "respect" her feelings by letting her do that. She halved the family's bank account unilaterally.

Anonymous wrote:The problem you have is that you are completely convinced that your wife is the problem. You think she has become lazy and disinterested and is at fault for not making money and not cleaning to the level of satisfaction you yourself enjoy while you are the poor victim making the donuts with the weight of the world on your shoulders.

If you want your relationship and home life to change, then you need to do more than point out all her faults and all of your disappointment and think about how the hell you can step up and be part of a solution. I guarantee your wife is not thrilled with you if every day you come home and bitch about how unclean the house is and how she needs to go get a job. And if you say no, I don't do that, I'm supportive -- your resentment is probably coming out in other ways. I am sure she fully comprehends your feelings on the situation, but I'm not convinced you're thinking of hers other than how she can change to fit better with what YOU want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've asked but honestly gotten nowhere. When I press the issue I get tears and it's just too much and counter-productive because we are getting nowhere. Hence why I started therapy. I am coming to terms with the choice despite not being thrilled about it. I am just hoping it passes.

Are you listening to what she says when you ask her about it, and empathizing with and respecting her feelings and thoughts that she communicates to you? Or are you dismissing any answer that isn't in agreement with your opinion on the matter? From this post, it sounds like you ask about her going back to paid work, she gives an answer that isn't the one you wanted to hear, you "press the issue" (i.e. keep asking the same question), and she cries because you are hounding her about the same thing over and over and not even listening to or caring about her answer.

That may or may not be what's happening. And you have extremely valid points and feelings of your own. I'm just pointing out that the root of your problem is a communication problem with your wife, not a money/work problem. Nothing will get better for either of you until you can communicate and really listen to and understand and respect each other's feelings and thoughts.

+1. She isn't going to talk with you unless you are truly willing to hear what she is saying, even if it isn't what you want to hear. You need to work with your own therapist on your listening skills. No wonder she's crying-- SAHM isn't a good fit for her, having two little kids is exhausting, her marriage is in trouble, her husband is not listening, and finding a job is really hard when you have been out of the workforce and have family responsibilities. Boo hoody hoo it isn't what you planned, back when both of you were young and energetic and had no clue what parenting is really like. Nobody has the right to the life they planned on having.

It sounds like you will accept nothing other than having her go back to work, regardless of what she says, so you're being pretty unilateral yourself. Yet you still haven't explained how she can work with your current job being un-family-friendly. How many days a month can you miss for kid stuff? Can you miss work on short notice if a kid wakes up in the morning with a fever? You need to get real about the logistics before you start making demands of your wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are the tears such a problem for you? I cry when I talk about sensitive topics, but so what? My DH listens and cares, and it doesn't prevent us from having a real discussion.

You need marriage counseling for both of you, someone who can help you communicate.

C'mon now- you must know that tears are often used as a tactic to shut a conversation down. Not always, but with some people you once the tears start flowing the conversation stops (woman here, if that matters)

Anonymous wrote:Why are the tears such a problem for you? I cry when I talk about sensitive topics, but so what? My DH listens and cares, and it doesn't prevent us from having a real discussion.

You need marriage counseling for both of you, someone who can help you communicate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've asked but honestly gotten nowhere. When I press the issue I get tears and it's just too much and counter-productive because we are getting nowhere. Hence why I started therapy. I am coming to terms with the choice despite not being thrilled about it. I am just hoping it passes.

Are you listening to what she says when you ask her about it, and empathizing with and respecting her feelings and thoughts that she communicates to you? Or are you dismissing any answer that isn't in agreement with your opinion on the matter? From this post, it sounds like you ask about her going back to paid work, she gives an answer that isn't the one you wanted to hear, you "press the issue" (i.e. keep asking the same question), and she cries because you are hounding her about the same thing over and over and not even listening to or caring about her answer.

That may or may not be what's happening. And you have extremely valid points and feelings of your own. I'm just pointing out that the root of your problem is a communication problem with your wife, not a money/work problem. Nothing will get better for either of you until you can communicate and really listen to and understand and respect each other's feelings and thoughts.

Are you listening to what she says when you ask her about it, and empathizing with and respecting her feelings and thoughts that she communicates to you? Or are you dismissing any answer that isn't in agreement with your opinion on the matter? From this post, it sounds like you ask about her going back to paid work, she gives an answer that isn't the one you wanted to hear, you "press the issue" (i.e. keep asking the same question), and she cries because you are hounding her about the same thing over and over and not even listening to or caring about her answer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and nsists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

If you truly ever were a SAH (which I doubt given the tone and substance of your post), it is nearly impossible to keep a house clean with a preschooler and a toddler. It's clean for about 15 minutes at a time before the kids pull everything out again.

In any case, cleanliness is not the real issue here. OP seemingly has no idea or insight into why his wife made a major life decision, and is apparently "afraid" to ask out it. Whether the wife has valid reasons to be a SAH or is doing a good job as a SAH is irrelevant, if things are truly as OP describes, this couple needs marriage counseling ASAP.

Well you are mistaken. I just seem to have this weird belief that if you SAH with your kids, keeping your house clean is one of the things you should do, and your husband expecting that doesn't make him an asshole. My husband held up his part of the bargain in being the one to work all day and financially provide and not expecting me to do the same. So I held up my end and took care of things at home that enabled him to do that. My kids are 6, 8 and 14 now. When they were little, every time they pulled something out, we (I) put it away before moving onto the next thing. I didn't (and still do not) leave the house when it's messy. It's not rocket science. It's much easier to clean for 5-10 minutes multiple times throughout the day, then let the house turn into a cluster-fuck from not doing anything until dinner/bedtime.

OP seems to have a clear idea of why she did it and why she continues to do it. Like a PP said, totally bait and switch. What OP needs to figure out is he how is going to deal with this going forward, because he's going to just get increasingly more and more resentful. And the longer his wife stays out of the workforce, the harder it's going to be to get back in.