Anonymous
12/02/2014 23:00
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
OP,
You have to believe in yourself, which is sometimes very difficult to do when you are isolated with a bully. Talk to experts, as PPs have indicated. They will offer rational, objective advice.
I have gone through something similar, but not as bad, with my DH when DC1 was an infant. I nearly went through with the divorce, and it was only when it was about to happen that DH saw the light and came crawling back, vowing to change. His own mother, my MIL, had stridently supported me, so basically he was in his own little crazy world. Turns out, I am persuaded he has Asperger's - it's hard for him to related on an emotional level with someone. Of course, all this only comes out during stressful times, which is why I didn't see it before.
I suffered from PPD, and took two years to figure out exactly how I was going to address this husband problem. Eventually I learned to be very calm and poised, to bullet point every argument, and present things in such a clear logical way that there was no way he could argue back and not sound like an idiot. I learned to call him immediately on every mark of disrespect he gave me and basically to win disputes by sheer willpower. It was really good training, since now I use it at work! It's just very sad that one would have to defend oneself against a spouse.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
Anonymous
12/02/2014 22:38
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've been trying to leave and he got wind of it and threatened to take the baby if I did. It was an uneasy truce since then, but he's at it again. Today he yelled at me that he can't do some home improvement things that need done because I can't handle the baby by myself. He claims I'm disinterested and that because he always takes care of baby, he can't do anything else. Maybe he's right.
I can't leave. I really do think he'll take the baby. He's got plans to sue me for child support and everything. He secretly recorded me sobbing while in the throes of baby blues at 2 weeks pp. I sounded like a nut job.
Talk to a lawyer. Just because he recorded you, it doesn't mean the recording is admissible in court as evidence.
What an incredibly nasty man to have secretly recorded the mother of his baby crying. Despicable POS.
He said it was so I could hear how I sounded. And so I could realize that I needed help. But it was textbook baby blues, and I even sobbed that to him. It resolved a few days later, and the very, very mild PPD set in.
OP, a couple of things:
1. A supportive, loving spouse who recorded you so that you could realize that you need help would not threaten to use the recording in divorce proceedings. A loving, supportive spouse would help you to get the help you need and would not say things like "you are a bad mother" and threaten to take the child away from you.
2. I hope that you got help for the PPD. Even if it was "just mild", I hate to think of you suffering needlessly. There are a tremendous number of resources for new moms that help with issues like that and I would strongly urge you, if you have not already done so, to take advantage of them.
3. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Even if you WERE a bad mother (which I do not believe) who did not care about her child (also do not believe) and prevented her husband from communicating with his family or engaging in household projects (also do not believe), you would not deserve this treatment. If you want a divorce, seek a divorce. If he wants a divorce, he will need to face the reality that he will have joint custody, will pay child support and will be totally responsible for everything during the times when he has custody. If he thinks that he will be able to work on the house (which he may not get to keep) or have long conversations with his mom (about anything other than the divorce), he is in for a big shock. I strongly, strongly suggest that you go to counseling together as it sounds like something really awful is going on with your husband. Going from being a loving partner who wants a child to a monster who belittles his wife to other people, secretly records her crying and blames her for his inability to concentrate on communication and projects is NOT normal. If this was my husband, I would be concerned that he had some kind of neurological issue or that he was having an affair or had a drug problem or something.
Hang in there.
Not OP, but wanted to thank you for this excellent post. OP, please read and believe this.
Anonymous
12/02/2014 20:22
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Anonymous wrote:OP if you are in Montgomery County go to the Family Justice Center. They can help you with a safe exit plan and with legal issues.
x2
Anonymous
12/01/2014 11:15
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've been trying to leave and he got wind of it and threatened to take the baby if I did. It was an uneasy truce since then, but he's at it again. Today he yelled at me that he can't do some home improvement things that need done because I can't handle the baby by myself. He claims I'm disinterested and that because he always takes care of baby, he can't do anything else. Maybe he's right.
I can't leave. I really do think he'll take the baby. He's got plans to sue me for child support and everything. He secretly recorded me sobbing while in the throes of baby blues at 2 weeks pp. I sounded like a nut job.
Talk to a lawyer. Just because he recorded you, it doesn't mean the recording is admissible in court as evidence.
What an incredibly nasty man to have secretly recorded the mother of his baby crying. Despicable POS.
He said it was so I could hear how I sounded. And so I could realize that I needed help. But it was textbook baby blues, and I even sobbed that to him. It resolved a few days later, and the very, very mild PPD set in.
OP, a couple of things:
1. A supportive, loving spouse who recorded you so that you could realize that you need help would not threaten to use the recording in divorce proceedings. A loving, supportive spouse would help you to get the help you need and would not say things like "you are a bad mother" and threaten to take the child away from you.
2. I hope that you got help for the PPD. Even if it was "just mild", I hate to think of you suffering needlessly. There are a tremendous number of resources for new moms that help with issues like that and I would strongly urge you, if you have not already done so, to take advantage of them.
3. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Even if you WERE a bad mother (which I do not believe) who did not care about her child (also do not believe) and prevented her husband from communicating with his family or engaging in household projects (also do not believe), you would not deserve this treatment. If you want a divorce, seek a divorce. If he wants a divorce, he will need to face the reality that he will have joint custody, will pay child support and will be totally responsible for everything during the times when he has custody. If he thinks that he will be able to work on the house (which he may not get to keep) or have long conversations with his mom (about anything other than the divorce), he is in for a big shock. I strongly, strongly suggest that you go to counseling together as it sounds like something really awful is going on with your husband. Going from being a loving partner who wants a child to a monster who belittles his wife to other people, secretly records her crying and blames her for his inability to concentrate on communication and projects is NOT normal. If this was my husband, I would be concerned that he had some kind of neurological issue or that he was having an affair or had a drug problem or something.
Hang in there.
Anonymous
12/01/2014 11:09
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've been trying to leave and he got wind of it and threatened to take the baby if I did. It was an uneasy truce since then, but he's at it again. Today he yelled at me that he can't do some home improvement things that need done because I can't handle the baby by myself. He claims I'm disinterested and that because he always takes care of baby, he can't do anything else. Maybe he's right.
I can't leave. I really do think he'll take the baby. He's got plans to sue me for child support and everything. He secretly recorded me sobbing while in the throes of baby blues at 2 weeks pp. I sounded like a nut job.
Talk to a lawyer. Just because he recorded you, it doesn't mean the recording is admissible in court as evidence.
What an incredibly nasty man to have secretly recorded the mother of his baby crying. Despicable POS.
He said it was so I could hear how I sounded. And so I could realize that I needed help. But it was textbook baby blues, and I even sobbed that to him. It resolved a few days later, and the very, very mild PPD set in.
Anonymous
12/01/2014 09:39
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
You said he was on the phone with his mother while all this was going down? What, pray tell, was she saying in response to him trashing his wife's ability to care for a brand new baby? If his mother expressed anything short of absolute outrage, there's your problem right there. She's has raised an asshole, she is an asshole, and you can't win against a horrid MiL. Get therapy for yourself, invite him to participate, and move on. You have so much sweet life to live with your precious baby, and you will learn trial-by-error style, just like the rest of us "terrible mothers" 
good luck.
good luck.
Anonymous
12/01/2014 09:23
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've been trying to leave and he got wind of it and threatened to take the baby if I did. It was an uneasy truce since then, but he's at it again. Today he yelled at me that he can't do some home improvement things that need done because I can't handle the baby by myself. He claims I'm disinterested and that because he always takes care of baby, he can't do anything else. Maybe he's right.
I can't leave. I really do think he'll take the baby. He's got plans to sue me for child support and everything. He secretly recorded me sobbing while in the throes of baby blues at 2 weeks pp. I sounded like a nut job.
Talk to a lawyer. Just because he recorded you, it doesn't mean the recording is admissible in court as evidence.
What an incredibly nasty man to have secretly recorded the mother of his baby crying. Despicable POS.
Anonymous
12/01/2014 06:51
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've been trying to leave and he got wind of it and threatened to take the baby if I did. It was an uneasy truce since then, but he's at it again. Today he yelled at me that he can't do some home improvement things that need done because I can't handle the baby by myself. He claims I'm disinterested and that because he always takes care of baby, he can't do anything else. Maybe he's right.
I can't leave. I really do think he'll take the baby. He's got plans to sue me for child support and everything. He secretly recorded me sobbing while in the throes of baby blues at 2 weeks pp. I sounded like a nut job.
Talk to a lawyer. Just because he recorded you, it doesn't mean the recording is admissible in court as evidence.
Anonymous
12/01/2014 04:17
Subject: Re:my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
OP, don't let him bully you into staying because you're afraid he will take away your baby. That is all bullshit. You know this man is not good for you or your child. Please find help - reach out to someone that you love and trust to help you.
Anonymous
11/30/2014 22:38
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Praying for you, OP. Hoping you get answers to your questions and develop a plan this week.
FWIW, I had no idea what I was doing when I brought DS home from the hospital. I learned everything by watching our nanny. Everything. None of it seemed to come naturally to me. But I love that kid to the moon and back. Just bc I wasn't innately great at soothing a newborn or breastfeeding in those early months doesn't mean I was a bad mother. I was, and am, an outstanding mother. I've got an incredible 16-year old to prove it!
FWIW, I had no idea what I was doing when I brought DS home from the hospital. I learned everything by watching our nanny. Everything. None of it seemed to come naturally to me. But I love that kid to the moon and back. Just bc I wasn't innately great at soothing a newborn or breastfeeding in those early months doesn't mean I was a bad mother. I was, and am, an outstanding mother. I've got an incredible 16-year old to prove it!
Anonymous
11/30/2014 22:10
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
OP if you are in Montgomery County go to the Family Justice Center. They can help you with a safe exit plan and with legal issues.
Anonymous
11/30/2014 22:08
Subject: Re:my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Anonymous wrote:It is RARE, nearly impossible to have a child taken from it's mother.
LEAVE HIM before you can no longer cope. Pack some stuff while he's at work and get yourself somewhere safe.
Yup. Especially an infant. The best he'd get is 50/50.
Anonymous
11/30/2014 20:56
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Anonymous wrote:I'm almost about to leave him over it. I LOVE my baby but the practical aspects of parenting don't come naturally to me. Right now he's furious with me because I can't change a diaper without the baby crying. He's on the phone with MIL saying how awful I am and how he might as well do everything because I'm so bad at it. And how he doesn't understand why I have to do a diaper change while he's on the phone (it was a blow out). He complains that I'm awkward around the baby and don't know "basic" stuff. He tells me I don't love the baby enough because I don't want to quit my job. I just feel so alone and frankly, he makes me feel like I should leave the baby with him and disappear. Is this normal new dad behavior? It's ruining our marriage.
He's an assho$/. Take you baby and get out. He sounds abusive and you are vulnerable right now. PLEASE get outside help and leave.
Anonymous
11/30/2014 18:39
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
Thanks. I just don't understand how it came to this. He was wonderful before the baby came - and yes, he wanted a baby very much.
Anonymous
11/30/2014 16:49
Subject: my husband thinks I'm a bad mother
OP, please ignore the mean posters here (and SAH PP above wtf is wrong with you, you sure aren't convincing that a baby is going to be learning kindness and other good values in your hands).
What you are describing sounds abusive. You need to see a good lawyer and make a plan for leaving. You don't have to leave in the end, but it helps to have a plan. Your DH has done a number on you if he is convincing you that you aren't a good mother. See a therapist if you can, but most importantly see a good lawyer and document incidents like this.
I am so sorry.
What you are describing sounds abusive. You need to see a good lawyer and make a plan for leaving. You don't have to leave in the end, but it helps to have a plan. Your DH has done a number on you if he is convincing you that you aren't a good mother. See a therapist if you can, but most importantly see a good lawyer and document incidents like this.
I am so sorry.