Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Just to clarify a few things. This time my brother didn't offer to pay for our airfare, he just asked if we could fly in to see them on these particular dates, and mentioned that he would have to be away (SIL is away most weeks Mon-Thurs anyway). I said I would be happy to do this, but said I could not afford to pay for tickets until about December. Then he came up with the tickets for miles idea.
As to what I should be doing when I am there: I would have to prep dinner, serve it to the kids, make them take their baths, put them to bed, go in if the youngest one has nightmares, then wake them up, get them dressed and feed them breakfast, and then either hand them over to the nanny who would take them to school, or drive them to school. I am in school part time and my son is in preschool. I am lucky to have a couple hours to myself before I pick him up after school. So I do have a pretty cushy life in terms of handling an only child part time as opposed to having one kid full time and two more part time and to fly in to help my brother I will need to miss school and DS would have to miss preschool.

Yikes OP, your brother and SIL sound pretty user to me. This is your "vacation" with them? They have a daycare problem and they need to solve it. Your going there for a week is only going to prolong it. Has your brother always been so selfish? (sorry)

Now this situation is sounding strange. It appears from OPs update that BIL isn't being upfront with OP about exactly what he needs. I am inclined to think he is having money troubles and he needs OPs help to watch the kids because he cannot afford to pay someone or pay cash for the flight, hence the miles. I would forget about the vacation and SILs family and whether she paid for her family, etc. I would focus on the child career dilmmea.

I would be more willing to help if someone was 100% straightforward. Many people find themselves in a bind, financially and childcare wise. Also, perhaps he needs to go to the conference for work appearances or client development.

I would suggest saying, hey brother, I need to know exactly what you want because I have to rearrange my schedule. I need to know exactly what is going on, no back and forth with wife or he said she said, just be straight forward with me so we can hopefully figure something out. Do you need free childcare? Do you need me to do all the work (as in no nanny whatsoever). I cannot afford to buy my own tickets right now. I will need a ticket for me and my son. I cannot afford to pay for all incidentals for everyone during my time there, such as food, etc for 4 people.

My sisters gave me the run around once, trying to tip toe about needing coverage for her son. She tried to disguise it as a "come visit us" trip, but I couldn't get definite details. She wanted me to pack my two kids and dog and drive a few hours to her house to watch her son for 5 days. She even said "well you SAH so can't you just do whatever you want?" Finally I just told her, what exactly is going on here? She finally admitted she wanted to take a short trip with her husband because they were having some marital issues and she was hoping going without the baby would bring back some sparks. I can understand that, needing some child free time. If she had just been honest from the get go we would have saved so much bickering. I should have pushed her earlier to do so too. I ended up having her drive the baby up here to DC and I watched her in my house. Was it convenient, no, enjoyable, somewhat but she doesn't STTN so it definitely wasn't relaxing, but family needed help so I did my best to work it out.

Good luck

Anonymous wrote:Can you really miss a whole week of school? Preschool is not a big deal but college courses are a whole different story. Sounds like a bad idea.

Yes I can do that in my particular situation. It's inconvenient but doable.

All: I spoke to my brother and I don't understand what's going on. They parted with the nanny who did pre and after school driving to activities. But they seem to be pretty optimistic. I told them they needed a full time nanny stat, they seem to agree. Maybe they will find someone, I don't know.
As for my trio, my brother is hesitating whether to go on that business trip (turns out its a conference so he can skip it if there's no other choice). But SIL really wants us to come, per my brother. I don't know why he is so hesitant, I plan to try to figure out if money is tight?

So I don't know. We'll see. I would prob go see them for thanksgiving or Christmas, but I don't know their plans yet.

Can you really miss a whole week of school? Preschool is not a big deal but college courses are a whole different story. Sounds like a bad idea.

OP here.
Just to clarify a few things. This time my brother didn't offer to pay for our airfare, he just asked if we could fly in to see them on these particular dates, and mentioned that he would have to be away (SIL is away most weeks Mon-Thurs anyway). I said I would be happy to do this, but said I could not afford to pay for tickets until about December. Then he came up with the tickets for miles idea.
As to what I should be doing when I am there: I would have to prep dinner, serve it to the kids, make them take their baths, put them to bed, go in if the youngest one has nightmares, then wake them up, get them dressed and feed them breakfast, and then either hand them over to the nanny who would take them to school, or drive them to school.

I am in school part time and my son is in preschool. I am lucky to have a couple hours to myself before I pick him up after school. So I do have a pretty cushy life in terms of handling an only child part time as opposed to having one kid full time and two more part time and to fly in to help my brother I will need to miss school and DS would have to miss preschool.

You say yes if you want to, you say no if you don't. If you decide "you're offended", that's a problem of your own making.

And don't make decisions one way or another because you're afraid of making someone mad. That's called letting them manipulate you.

OP here, my brother is coming tonight - he is here on business but is flying in earlier to spend a weekend with my family, I think I will have more news soon. I will clarify a few things that came up in the thread later tonight or maybe tomorrow, thanks all!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're unnecessarily hung up on what they're doing with her side of the family. Maybe her relatives can't be trusted to babysit. Maybe her relatives are broke. Maybe her relatives are just more fun to hang out with.

As most posters have said -- figure out what you're willing to do and then say yes or no; don't try to read some kind of emotional message into the situation.

Thank you, I am surprised myself how hung up I have suddenly become in this situation!
It has to do with family dynamic which was there for quite some time.
I think you are right, I should treat this as business. But even with that, I just hate it when people start haggling. I am free not to deal with hagglers, except when they are my relatives. I think he puts me in an uncomfortable situation as if I am seeking that free tickets opportunity, whereas in reality I would love to fly to see them at Christmas, for example, but they choose to go and see SIL's family!
so it looks like I am just good as a babysitter. Ok, fine, but then don't haggle.

PS they are not paying for food. They have some in the fridge of course, but I go out and grocery shop whenever something is needed, so I would say it's 50/50

Wrong, she said she will be paying for food. What nanny pays for the food? And herBIL and SIL aren't there during the week, it's the weekend. Not sure why an employee would be treated better than a family member.

Not true. She did say she will have to shop for more food. It is unclear who is making the meals (will she be making dinners, breakfast, packing lunches?), nannies usually don't wash clothes, unsure who is doing housework, etc She isn't just sitting on the sofa all night long eating ice cream like a high school babysitter. She will be in charge of 3 small children. The nanny apparently watches them after school until dinner time (that is my take on it).

Wow. You sure do read a lot into this. This is what OP said:

during the week I will watch the 3 boys, aged 4-6, from about dinnertime until nanny takes them to school

Nothing in there about her being a maid and doing the cooking and cleaning as you imagine. I also don't know a single nanny who doesn't fix meals for the kids and do light housekeeping - especially any messes associated with her charges. Why would OP need to wash clothes unless she needs her own clothes washed? Her brother and SIL will be there during the week. So what if she has to go to the grocery, wouldn't she have to do that if she were home? I don't see any reason why she can't sit on the sofa and eat ice cream all night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the idea that just because someone is family, you can be less considerate of them. Or even if someone is single and childless (which others have mentioned), that they can give you their time.

All of that is irrelevant. People should be kind and considerate to each other - family, kids, single, employed, not employed, SAHM or not, or whatever.

It's incumbent upon the brother/SIL to at LEAST offer to pay for a convenient plane ticket, and a stocked fridge, petty cash for takeout, etc.

Of course family should help each other out, but when someone's helping you, you should minimized it being a burden on them. It doesn't matter if OP is only taking care of the kids in the evenings - it's still her time that she's giving up, and traveling to make things easy for her sibling.

When someone's helping you, you do whatever you can to make things easier for them. That's the bottom line.

Thankfully most of the people in this thread seem to think similarly, but some of you sound like users/takers who probably use guilt to take advantage of nice family members. Just because someone's family, doesn't mean you treat them with less regard.

Actually some of us are people who gladly help family out when they need it and don't consider flying on miles or having a layover as being treated poorly. Some of us are glad to help out when a sibling is in a bind. Honestly if it is such a burden for Op - why would she even think to go? I don't get that. If you think your brother is just this horrible person taking advantage of you and treating you poorly and trying to embarrass - why would you even consider going?

So do you mean that if your parents or inlaws are coming to help out - say after the birth of a baby / to look after an older child, everyone would always pay their way and go out of their way to make sure the parents are as convenienced as possible and anyone that doesn't pay for their parents flights is an awful person who treats their parents poorly? Given many of the posts on here I don't think everyone is paying their parents flights and going out of their way to make sure their parents every convenience is met.

Pp here, actually yes, I did pay for my mil to come when I had DC2 so she could help with dc1. But after the birth of a child it's normal for family to want to come. When you go on a business trip, not so much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the idea that just because someone is family, you can be less considerate of them. Or even if someone is single and childless (which others have mentioned), that they can give you their time.

All of that is irrelevant. People should be kind and considerate to each other - family, kids, single, employed, not employed, SAHM or not, or whatever.

It's incumbent upon the brother/SIL to at LEAST offer to pay for a convenient plane ticket, and a stocked fridge, petty cash for takeout, etc.

Of course family should help each other out, but when someone's helping you, you should minimized it being a burden on them. It doesn't matter if OP is only taking care of the kids in the evenings - it's still her time that she's giving up, and traveling to make things easy for her sibling.

When someone's helping you, you do whatever you can to make things easier for them. That's the bottom line.

Thankfully most of the people in this thread seem to think similarly, but some of you sound like users/takers who probably use guilt to take advantage of nice family members. Just because someone's family, doesn't mean you treat them with less regard.

Actually some of us are people who gladly help family out when they need it and don't consider flying on miles or having a layover as being treated poorly. Some of us are glad to help out when a sibling is in a bind. Honestly if it is such a burden for Op - why would she even think to go? I don't get that. If you think your brother is just this horrible person taking advantage of you and treating you poorly and trying to embarrass - why would you even consider going?

So do you mean that if your parents or inlaws are coming to help out - say after the birth of a baby / to look after an older child, everyone would always pay their way and go out of their way to make sure the parents are as convenienced as possible and anyone that doesn't pay for their parents flights is an awful person who treats their parents poorly? Given many of the posts on here I don't think everyone is paying their parents flights and going out of their way to make sure their parents every convenience is met.

Presumably after the birth of a child, family flying in are also visiting because they want to see and meet the new baby. In other words, it's not really selfless help - they want to meet their new grandchild/niece/nephew/etc. There are some people who would guilt people like op, saying: "What? You don't want to see your nephews? Why don't you want to spend time with them and take care of them?" It's a completely different scenario, than after the birth of a new child.

But I agree, OP should just say no. The sibling seems more concerned with saving a few bucks, than having someone of quality give time and care for his kids - FOR FREE, except for a plane ticket.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the idea that just because someone is family, you can be less considerate of them. Or even if someone is single and childless (which others have mentioned), that they can give you their time.

All of that is irrelevant. People should be kind and considerate to each other - family, kids, single, employed, not employed, SAHM or not, or whatever.

It's incumbent upon the brother/SIL to at LEAST offer to pay for a convenient plane ticket, and a stocked fridge, petty cash for takeout, etc.

Of course family should help each other out, but when someone's helping you, you should minimized it being a burden on them. It doesn't matter if OP is only taking care of the kids in the evenings - it's still her time that she's giving up, and traveling to make things easy for her sibling.

When someone's helping you, you do whatever you can to make things easier for them. That's the bottom line.

Thankfully most of the people in this thread seem to think similarly, but some of you sound like users/takers who probably use guilt to take advantage of nice family members. Just because someone's family, doesn't mean you treat them with less regard.

Actually some of us are people who gladly help family out when they need it and don't consider flying on miles or having a layover as being treated poorly. Some of us are glad to help out when a sibling is in a bind. Honestly if it is such a burden for Op - why would she even think to go? I don't get that. If you think your brother is just this horrible person taking advantage of you and treating you poorly and trying to embarrass - why would you even consider going?

So do you mean that if your parents or inlaws are coming to help out - say after the birth of a baby / to look after an older child, everyone would always pay their way and go out of their way to make sure the parents are as convenienced as possible and anyone that doesn't pay for their parents flights is an awful person who treats their parents poorly? Given many of the posts on here I don't think everyone is paying their parents flights and going out of their way to make sure their parents every convenience is met.

I don't understand the idea that just because someone is family, you can be less considerate of them. Or even if someone is single and childless (which others have mentioned), that they can give you their time.

All of that is irrelevant. People should be kind and considerate to each other - family, kids, single, employed, not employed, SAHM or not, or whatever.

It's incumbent upon the brother/SIL to at LEAST offer to pay for a convenient plane ticket, and a stocked fridge, petty cash for takeout, etc.

Of course family should help each other out, but when someone's helping you, you should minimized it being a burden on them. It doesn't matter if OP is only taking care of the kids in the evenings - it's still her time that she's giving up, and traveling to make things easy for her sibling.

When someone's helping you, you do whatever you can to make things easier for them. That's the bottom line.

Thankfully most of the people in this thread seem to think similarly, but some of you sound like users/takers who probably use guilt to take advantage of nice family members. Just because someone's family, doesn't mean you treat them with less regard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but asking OP to do this is is complete BS. I assume OP is a SAHM, otherwise how can she just pick up and leave for that length of time? Isn't the 4 year old in preschool?

So, OP is being asked to be the childcare, the maid, the cook, the entertainer, etc for her nephews. She will have to do laundry, make and clean up meals, clean up the house, do grocery shopping, provide entertainment and supervision for the kids, etc. She will have to pay for her own food, etc while she is there, and I assume if the food runs out for the nephews as well. I hope she is offered a car to drive, and when the tank gets low she has to refill it. This is ridiculous.
I had surgery a few years ago and needed to be on bedrest for a month. My MIL volunteered to help. We paid for her plane tickets and a rental car. We got babysitters to give her breaks. We paid for all the food. I never, in a million years, would take advantage of someone like this and on top of it have the Gaul to paint it as a "vacation" and not just be direct and say "sorry, we are in a bind for work with no one to watch the kids, can you help?"

If the SILs family is so great, why can't they do it? If kids already have a nanny, why can't she do it?

No, OP won't have to do any of those things. If you had read more carefully, you would have read that the brother/SIL have a nanny that will be there during the day. OP only needs to put the kids to bed. Huge difference.

Not true. She did say she will have to shop for more food. It is unclear who is making the meals (will she be making dinners, breakfast, packing lunches?), nannies usually don't wash clothes, unsure who is doing housework, etc She isn't just sitting on the sofa all night long eating ice cream like a high school babysitter. She will be in charge of 3 small children. The nanny apparently watches them after school until dinner time (that is my take on it).

When someone asks for a favor, especially one as large as this, trying to paint it as if you are doing them a favor for letting them do you a favor (you will get a free airplane ticket, you will get to spend all this time with my kids, etc.) it is extremely condescending. OP knows what her brother is asking, and i think she is within her right to be a bit perturbed about it. But if OP allows her brother to treat her this way, at some point it is as much her fault as his.

She should just be honest with him. Watching children, especially three young boys all by yourself, during the often difficult evening and bedtime hours, is hard, VERY VERY HARD sometimes. Do all the kids sleep through the night? what if one gets ill? This isn't a vacation for OP. She's working, more than she would at home. I find the entitlement attitude of some of the posters completely unbelievable. OP has every right to feel annoyed.

The least of her worries I think is the layover. A layover for a 4 year old is inconvenient but not catastrophic, but I have more than one child now and for me just traveling with one kid would be like a vacation in and of itself.

OP, please let us know how this turns out. I'm so curious for some reason.

I also happen to agree with you. Traveling with a 4 year is hard enough and it's not at all unreasonable to not want to accept inconvenient flights.