Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You're just like your mother"

+1

+2. My ex-wife said this to me (said I was just like my father) a couple of times.

I'm with the PP who wondered if some people really and truly never said anything hurtful or lashed out in an argument ever. I'm dubious. That said, I am re-married and nasty fighting is one of the top two or three things "I'll never do again". I don't actually care if my wife gets that way with me. Even if you forgive it, you can't un-ring a bell and that stuff does erode the respect and admiration you need to maintain a loving relationship. I grew up in a household where nasty fighting was a multi-generational norm and I completely agree that people "accept" this because they do think it's normative.

My now wife and I had one really ugly fight the first couple of months after the wedding...it was settling in to "gee, we are really married (death do us part) now". She was going off and having a real fit screaming at me (outdoors, in public, on a sidewalk). It was awful. I finally said "fuck you bitch". That stopped it cold. I said I wasn't going to have a screaming match, or at the very least, not on the sidewalk outside of Hamilton's at 1AM. Ugh. It was awful. I felt like a complete turd the next day.

Those fights have stopped nearly altogether and we've kind of settled into it. So, I say "never again" but I screwed up. I'm going to do my damndest not to screw up again. Particularly not once children arrive.

The suggestions about Mindfulness in the "angry at my EX" thread are spot-on. I did a big round, between relationships, of work-on-myself therapy, and the "trick" is to practice, practice, practice and carve a new groove in your brain/habits/reflexes.

Anonymous wrote:My Dh told me to shut the fuck up last night, but I was being horrible to him and probably deserved it. We had awesome angry sex today though and now we're all good. My only defense for being awful is that I'm PMSing, it's like I'm a different person for a week. Awesome orgasms though.

Can you please explain 'angry sex'?
When I feel angry with him I really don't feel like having sex with him. At all. Wish I could get around this. Would have a lot of sex.
Please explain how you do it, both the physical and emotional sides.
Thanks.

Wow. I feel terrible about how so many of you are treated. I have never married but have a child. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, but I see I could have it so much worse. Hugs to all if you n emotional and/or physical pan.

Yep. Call a shelter. You shouldn't have to live with that kind of abuse.

Anonymous wrote:I really hate yo say this, but I read every post on this thread hoping to find a meaner husband than mine, and I haven't. My husband has said so many mean & hurtful things to me in the decade we have been married and it has changed me as a person. I won't get into it all, because he most likely tracks everything I do on the internet, but it's pretty bad. I was hoping to read this and feel some comfort, like well at least he's not the meanest, but I think I'm wrong...

I know you know this already, and I know it's dangerous, scary, and may seem impossible, but you need to find a way out. You are NOT in a vacuum. You ARE a valuable human being. Is he tracking your calls? Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Start making a plan.

http://www.thehotline.org/

1-800-799-7233

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hate yo say this, but I read every post on this thread hoping to find a meaner husband than mine, and I haven't. My husband has said so many mean & hurtful things to me in the decade we have been married and it has changed me as a person. I won't get into it all, because he most likely tracks everything I do on the internet, but it's pretty bad. I was hoping to read this and feel some comfort, like well at least he's not the meanest, but I think I'm wrong...

If he's so abusive, you need to leave him, OP. Do what you need to do to prepare your finances, etc. and then GO.

I've been in your shoes. In the past I've posted about the childhood abuse I experienced on DCUM. It was a shock to read other posters' horrified responses. I was surprised to realize how extreme the abuse was in comparison with others' experiences. This kind of feedback provides perspective. Use that perspective to go, OP.

I am disabled and am staying basically because I do not trust my husband with my kids. We knew each other ten years before we married, and I was the one who had issues and he got me over them. But we had not confronted this kind of overwhelming hardship, and he has just absolutely snapped. He says stuff in front of my kids that you would not believe - including calling me a cunt and a self entitled bitch etc, and destroying my credibility to do anything with my kids.

Why do I stay? I am afraid for my kids, especially my youngest. Will I leave as soon as I think I can? Yes. He did not give me a tenth or a fifteenth wedding anniversary present because he said that our marriage was not one to celebrate. He will not go to counseling because he says our marriage is irretrievably broken. He told me in 2007 that our marriage could not continue unless I learned to be an obedient wife - that came out of nowhere but his insanity. I feel sorry for him because I think he is crazy and he does not understand that while his kids are dependent on him in so many ways that is not love and they will never come back.

I hope ultimately that my kids will respect and love me for leaving him, but know there are no guarantees. All I know is that every hope I have had in the last 7 years that we could somehow get through this has been dashed. He has said terrible things to me that he can never take back and I can never trust him again. Yet whenever it seems like there is hope that the teenager I first loved might return I latch on to it. I forget that he constantly lies. I have not stooped to that level with my kids. I do not criticize him to them but apparently he goes on tirades at least to my older kids. Perhaps because I think I am stuck for at least another two years because of the ages of my children. But having recently returned home to the old dynamic it is almost unbearable............ It is very easy to say get out or you knew what you were getting into, but a) I did not marry the person he is now, although there were warning signs I guess I should have seen, not coming from an intact family being one of them but he never called me names or mistreated me in any way and b) I am disabled and will bankrupt myself if I try to get 50/50 custody of my kids. But even saying all that, my children are the lights of my life and the only reason I am still alive under these circumstances............. And I am still alive and that means I have the potential to change my circumstances when I am confident my children are safe. That is really all I care about. My life can wait.... but not for too much longer lest I lose my sanity (fortunately all attempts he has made to convince me that I am crazy have failed........). But yes, there are people out there who are treated much worse, sent to their rooms in front of their kids, called worthless pieces of shit in front of their kids, subject to physical as well as emotional abuse, and put themselves in harm's way to protect their kids.............. who cannot drive and are not financially independent but feel trapped mostly.... because of their kids.......... fact is, you are being a negligent parent by staying in an abusive situation so it all comes out in the wash anyway - there are no winners here when a husband goes crazy and feels free to verbally abuse his wife in front of their children, only losers and little hostages........... I am not looking for advice. I am just telling the pp that she is not alone.

My parents NEVER did this.... will my kids end up in abusive relationships? my girl? probably.... I am too old to start another family plus disabled plus feel worthless most of the time so the odds of me getting out and finding a healthy relationship where someone is willing to take me on are slim to none I think............ and I never thought I would end up alone.

I was so in love and we joked that we had already been married and divorced (we broke up looking for greener pastures) and he was so kind and treated me so well........... so even in the best situations, things can go really wrong.

Or maybe he has just become a manic depressive. It kind of does not matter anymore. I cannot save him. I cannot save my kids. I can only ultimately save myself and hopefully be there for them if they are willing to have me...............

He has said they would be better off if I were dead. He has urged me to commit suicide. He has told me he does not love me and never will again. He constantly says I am a terrible mother and will not leave me alone even if I go to my room if he wants to scream at me.

If there are no kids and no 50/50 or worse custody issues where they might be in physical danger unless you are there to put your body in front of theirs, get out................ you are not alone. Try a safe place or our safe place cannot remember the name he monitors my internet postings too and will undoubtedly see this... but why I should care anymore I do not know....... this place is anonymous for a reason, and having just returned from a great vacation back to the old dynamic I am in hell yet again.............

Anonymous wrote:Are there really people in the world who have never said something mean during an argument? I ask in all seriousness -- this is an eye-opener for me if true. I assumed we'd all had our moments saying things we've later regretted.

NP - I can honestly say I've never said something mean like the examples here, nor has anyone ever said these kinds of mean things to me. But I've worked in supporting victims of domestic violence so I've heard all sorts of vile things and I know it can get really bad. I actually didn't even open this thread until now because I know the examples all too well.

Big hugs to everyone here who has experienced these kinds of meanness. Please know that no matter who you are, you do NOT deserve it, and you should be seriously thinking about how you want to spend the next years of your life, because staying with a miserable person who says mean things is something you may really regret years later (or even tomorrow, or you already regret).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous



My ex-husband told me that his father doubted the paternity of our child. I was devastated because XH knew I was faithful and he was the one who had an (emotional) affair.

Hope you are over that...that was a misdirection play on his part.

Thanks, I'm over it in the sense that I don't get triggered to anger and grief by it anymore. But I do sometimes wonder about how my xFIL views our child.

Anonymous wrote:I really hate yo say this, but I read every post on this thread hoping to find a meaner husband than mine, and I haven't. My husband has said so many mean & hurtful things to me in the decade we have been married and it has changed me as a person. I won't get into it all, because he most likely tracks everything I do on the internet, but it's pretty bad. I was hoping to read this and feel some comfort, like well at least he's not the meanest, but I think I'm wrong...

If he's so abusive, you need to leave him, OP. Do what you need to do to prepare your finances, etc. and then GO.

I've been in your shoes. In the past I've posted about the childhood abuse I experienced on DCUM. It was a shock to read other posters' horrified responses. I was surprised to realize how extreme the abuse was in comparison with others' experiences. This kind of feedback provides perspective. Use that perspective to go, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Are there really people in the world who have never said something mean during an argument? I ask in all seriousness -- this is an eye-opener for me if true. I assumed we'd all had our moments saying things we've later regretted.

Yes there are. My DH and I argue occasionally but we don't call eachother names and we stay respectul. We stick to the subject at hand which is usually something minor like how to stack the dishwasher. IMO there is a right way and a wrong way to argue. Argument is meant to be about communication and even during an argument it's important that you communicate that you love eachother anyway.

I would dump a man who said any of the above things to me immediately. I'd rather be alone.

I think John Gottman said that the death knell of a relationship is when a partner shows contempt for the other. A lot of these comments display just that IMO.

I really hate yo say this, but I read every post on this thread hoping to find a meaner husband than mine, and I haven't. My husband has said so many mean & hurtful things to me in the decade we have been married and it has changed me as a person. I won't get into it all, because he most likely tracks everything I do on the internet, but it's pretty bad. I was hoping to read this and feel some comfort, like well at least he's not the meanest, but I think I'm wrong...

I'm surfing on here because tonight my husband said "I will hate you until the day I die." Then he came back into the room and said that he would apologize tomorrow and take it back, but that I would always know that he hated me. I'm about to have our first child and feel so devastated. I don't know where to go from here.

Anonymous



My ex-husband told me that his father doubted the paternity of our child. I was devastated because XH knew I was faithful and he was the one who had an (emotional) affair.

Hope you are over that...that was a misdirection play on his part.

My ex-husband told me that his father doubted the paternity of our child. I was devastated because XH knew I was faithful and he was the one who had an (emotional) affair.

Drunk, with a weeks-old infant in my arms, "You're a fucking terrible mother."