Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learn Cantonese. It will benefit your kids. My husband and I speak Spanish. When we have family gatherings with my parents, brother and his wife (who doesn't speak Spanish) it is annoying to have to switch back to Spanish. I want my kids to hear and speak Spanish. Certain words and conversations work out better in Spanish. We tend to go back and forth between languages depending on the topic.

Agreed. Don’t make your husband and parents give up the natural communication they have. You are being selfish. My husband did this and it made the few gatherings I had with my family so uncomfortable and forced, and it made it hard for our kids to learn the language. Eventually I just tried to see my family without DH as often as I could.

Good god people! Are you all drunk tonight?! Imagine if I spoke my language only with my kids when my English speaking ILS are here for a week? Totally not engaging them, unless they ask me a direct question?! Sober up people, it doesn't sound like OP lives in China!

Apparently hosting people doesn't matter in this thread, having people to your house for dinner as guests and then totally excluding them is now considered perfectly fine hosting manners. Wow is all I can say. I couldn't ever in my life imagine inviting someone to dinner and then speaking in another language so they sit there all night excluded and confused.

I also got DH to translate but if you've ever tried that and had a three way conversation you will soon find out it's hard.

Eventually it worked in my favour. I stopped wanting to interact with MIL and was so happy the language problem existed. I could see her and ignore her. Now all these years later she speaks English in my presence, she could do it all along, she chose not to. It's a little late for me, I keep her at a distance.

Op what is your first language? That may actually help us understand some of the dynamics. Are you a mandarin speaker or not Chinese at all?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s leave language out of it. OP’s fiancé’s family won’t talk to her, brings in an ex girlfriend (I’ll wager theywant him to marry this girl), and then complains if OP isn’t 100% accepting of this. How is that acceptable.

Exactly, using language to exclude is an indication of much larger problems. I'm surprised other posters don't get this.

+1!
The only thing that got me was this part. Why on earth would OP's DH be OK with this??

For the language part, I might be weird but I actually don't mind/ find it kind of a relief that I don't understand the conversation when DH and extended family are talking. Like, I just assume it's 90% small talk anyway so I'm glad to have an excuse to be doing something else lol.
We only see them about once a year and I think it's good that my kids are exposed to hearing a language that is foreign to them, just to pique their interest.
Though the difference from OP is that I (nor in laws) think it's rude to be on my phone when they are engaged with each other, so I just normally sit and pretend I'm searching for stuff/ texting ppl back, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Let’s leave language out of it. OP’s fiancé’s family won’t talk to her, brings in an ex girlfriend (I’ll wager theywant him to marry this girl), and then complains if OP isn’t 100% accepting of this. How is that acceptable.

Exactly, using language to exclude is an indication of much larger problems. I'm surprised other posters don't get this.

Anonymous wrote:So what I’m learning here is that my three kids shouldn’t marry someone from a different culture. It’s just too much to expect them to change or accommodate my kids.

Absolutely. And remember its 100% your decision who they marry.

Let’s leave language out of it. OP’s fiancé’s family won’t talk to her, brings in an ex girlfriend (I’ll wager theywant him to marry this girl), and then complains if OP isn’t 100% accepting of this. How is that acceptable.

So what I’m learning here is that my three kids shouldn’t marry someone from a different culture. It’s just too much to expect them to change or accommodate my kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learn Cantonese. It will benefit your kids. My husband and I speak Spanish. When we have family gatherings with my parents, brother and his wife (who doesn't speak Spanish) it is annoying to have to switch back to Spanish. I want my kids to hear and speak Spanish. Certain words and conversations work out better in Spanish. We tend to go back and forth between languages depending on the topic.

Sounds like you should move to a Spanish-speaking country.

How would the situation be any different in a Spanish speaking country? They would still have the SIL who doesn’t speak Spanish, how would changing the setting make any difference whatsoever?

If they’re coming to your house once a week and speaking nonstop Cantonese, that would be annoying. I would just pick up your daughter and go to another room. Consider it a visit to your DH. It’s not family time if they don’t want to talk to you.

If your DH says something, you just smile and say “I’m sorry I didn’t realize you wanted me to stay!” (Then rinse and repeat)

You need to set the pattern that when they speak Cantonese you leave the room with your daughter. When you’re out at a restaurant, there’s not much you can do, except wait, but at home you leave the room. At home you can get a book, or just talk to your daughter or do something else. Don’t just sit in the living room staring into space while they refuse to speak a language you understand.

Reframe it in your mind as they are so comfortable around you that they don’t feel the need to speak English. You can be comfortable enough with them to read a book, go to another room, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Learn Cantonese. It will benefit your kids. My husband and I speak Spanish. When we have family gatherings with my parents, brother and his wife (who doesn't speak Spanish) it is annoying to have to switch back to Spanish. I want my kids to hear and speak Spanish. Certain words and conversations work out better in Spanish. We tend to go back and forth between languages depending on the topic.

Sounds like you should move to a Spanish-speaking country.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hehe That sounds exactly like my husband's Vietnamese relatives. They'll sit next to me and ask him something in Vietnamese that they could easily ask me in English. It's just their way among family. I've trained him over many years to try to translate when necessary, and I also have a look I give him that tells him I'd like a translation.

PP, please share what you did to train your husband to translate. My husband seems to avoid eye-contact with me, lol. We usually sit next to each other so I can't really give the look.

If you sit next to each other, you can poke him! Much easier!

Completely new poster.

You have a husband problem. He should be bringing you into the conversation, and translating to bring you in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learn Cantonese. It will benefit your kids. My husband and I speak Spanish. When we have family gatherings with my parents, brother and his wife (who doesn't speak Spanish) it is annoying to have to switch back to Spanish. I want my kids to hear and speak Spanish. Certain words and conversations work out better in Spanish. We tend to go back and forth between languages depending on the topic.

Agreed. Don’t make your husband and parents give up the natural communication they have. You are being selfish. My husband did this and it made the few gatherings I had with my family so uncomfortable and forced, and it made it hard for our kids to learn the language. Eventually I just tried to see my family without DH as often as I could.

Don’t be selfish? You say that while you and your parents talk around your DH as if he wasn’t in the room, and you get annoyed at how “uncomfortable” it is that you need to show basic courtesy by including him? How uncomfortable do you think HE felt? I sure hope you didn’t imply that you actually wanted him to attend those gatherings with “YOUR” family.

Anonymous wrote:Learn Cantonese. It will benefit your kids. My husband and I speak Spanish. When we have family gatherings with my parents, brother and his wife (who doesn't speak Spanish) it is annoying to have to switch back to Spanish. I want my kids to hear and speak Spanish. Certain words and conversations work out better in Spanish. We tend to go back and forth between languages depending on the topic.

Dp. I'm asuming you meant switch back to english. However, I do think you should try to include your Sil. I'm assuming your children won't suffer if they hear a little English since they are with you most of the time. Don't most people want children to speak mulitiple languages? Plus. How lonely it is to be that Sil?

I think it is perfectly fine for them to have conversation with DH in their own language. You don't need to be a part of every conversation they have. You can't expect them to not speak to their child in their own language.

However if you are all at dinner or sitting around together where it is a context that you are a part of the conversation and the only reason you can't participate is due to language, then they should speak English.