Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kindness. I think integrity and many other qualities go along with it. If you are kind, you don't cheat on your wife. If you are having a hard time with something, in your kindness you deal with it directly. When you are kind, you are not thinking only of yourself. I don't know many kind, unethical people (can't think of a one).

I like this answer.

I disagree about this. Even a kind person can get caught up in bad actions (particularly cheating).

My answer is a basic respect for others and treating others with respect, even when the chips are down. My spouse respects me and my needs (and tries to help me meet them), and treats our children, friends, and everyone else we encounter with respect. Often this looks like kindness, I think. And if things ever go bad between us, I am confident that we would handle that with respect for each other as well.

Sense of humor.

Did someone say penis size, and meant it? I weep for the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW, I posted the above on kindness. I feel that in many ways I married the wrong guy particularly on this point. It's more that he completely lacks empathy in pretty much any situation, is flummoxed by emotions (mine, the kids, in a movie), and has a hard time connecting on that level. He also is pretty self minded (I can't get up with the crying baby even though you haven't slept in months as I have to go to work), you get the picture.

I saw it before we married, so shame on me. I am very sensitive, probably overly so, very empathetic so it is a hard match sometimes, but we try to approach it as learning from each other. I love many things about him, but this has been a hard area for us.

+1,000

I could have written this post.

My DH has never cheated, is a good financial provider, is good looking and great in bed. But he's an asshole. He's just not kind and I don't think he even has the capacity to be or knows what it means to be kind. He's just not nice. Like PP's DH, he doesn't even comprehend kindness in others. I saw glimpses of it before marriage, but it's gotten so much worse.

I would trade everything I have to be with a kind man.

I kind of have a different experience. I married a very kind man 12 years ago. We just got divorced a few months ago. He was extremely kind and gentle , however, he was unable to hold a job throughout our marriage (and while we were dating. . .I know this was a red flag). We moved constantly because he was unstable. We could never afford a house because he could not keep a job. Yes, he was kind but he could not deal with authority. I lost so much respect for him. We tried couples counseling for awhile but ultimately we got divorced. I would love to be with someone who was a good financial provider (I have a full time job FYI) and provided stability for myself and our children.

Anonymous wrote:Integrity

+1

Most of the things you want in a FRIEND are pretty much a given.

You want passion. Sexual compatibility. Those little (or big) things you like done, he loves doing to/for you. And vice versa. *Almost* no compromises.

Every single married couple I know says the same thing on their anniversary: "I married my best friend."
But not one is having good sex (and some barely having bad sex either).

Finally, the moment someone says "sex isn't important," just run, because sex separates the friend from the lover.

Acceptance

Kindness. Also presence. Doesn't matter how great he is if he's at work 80 hours a week.

Don't sex drives change over time?

You may be sexually compatible with someone today, but that may change down the road.

Maybe you just mean chemistry?

The thing is... People tend to be attracted to people who are similar to their parents, for good or bad. A woman who had an abusive father may feel "chemistry" with another abusive man, because she feels fulfilled and reassured by his dominating and controlling personality.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm single and dating and trying to figure it all out. I am torn between kindness, generosity and integrity but, damn, if the sex is bad can you stand to stay married?

OP, just because a guy is kind and generous and a great person doesn't mean he's a right spouse for you. (I'm the PP who mentioned it's a package deal.)

While sexual chemistry isn't enough alone to sustain a relationship long term, I do think it's still important. If there isn't a mutual attraction or chemistry, then it's better to move on. Remain friends. But if in the BEGINNING of a relationship, you are already not satisfied romantically/sexually, then that's kind of a recipe for problems. I'm not saying you will cheat, but even if the guy is super nice and kind, you'll come to resent him over time because you'll feel like you settled.

A guy, a potential husband, is a person, a complicated whole. Finding someone who you want to build a life with isn't about checking off some character traits. It's about the person as a whole and the synergy or chemistry between you and that person. There are plenty of wonderful guys with wonderful qualities who wouldn't necessarily make for a good husband for you. Sure, a marriage is a friendship, but the thing that makes it not JUST a friendship is the chemistry, the attraction.

If there is an attraction, but the guy just doesn't seem to be in the know about sex or about things you like, then that's a different thing. Be honest with him.

Loving.

Integrity.

Anonymous wrote:Considerate. I think this translates into how he treats his parents and siblings, how he deals with a crisis, how he dealt with division of labor once we had kids, how he treats other people in general, and being attentive in the bedroom and out.

I agree with you, but the considerate, attentive nice guy may not light your fire. If you go to the core of it, I think you need to have to have a deep sexual, friendship connection based on mutual respect in order to weather the ups and downs of marriage.

Considerate. I think this translates into how he treats his parents and siblings, how he deals with a crisis, how he dealt with division of labor once we had kids, how he treats other people in general, and being attentive in the bedroom and out.

OP here. Yes, I have ruled out men in the past due to no chemistry and kept them as friends. It sounds like great sex should be very, very high. Got it. Thx everyone.

Sexual Intimacy, hands down. Sorry two words.

To elaborate, all barriers down. Vulnerable. Someone who respects you, accepts you flaws and all. You can be your authentic self and the sex is awesome.