Anonymous wrote:Not all abusers have BPD (some people are just mean and they like it) but all BPD have trauma/ abuse. If trauma is not there, it is not BPD. It is something else -- bipolar, anxiety, substance abuse, depression -- there are many alternatives. But PP, if you are with someone who is abusing you, it does not matter what their "diagnosis or excuse" is -- get out, ASAP.

This is not true. My sister has BPD and she was never abused. It can also be mostly genetic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read books on how to deal with them. Its easier to change your approach than theirs...

Yes, change your approach to "run the other direction and don't look back".

This is really not an option parents of a young person with this disorder. For them reading the books is a good recommendation.

Anonymous wrote:Read books on how to deal with them. Its easier to change your approach than theirs...

Yes, change your approach to "run the other direction and don't look back".

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:When interacting with people with BPD it is common to have strong feelings -- anger or rage, uncertainty and insecurity, etc...and not quite understand what's happening, especially if these feelings are out of the ordinary for us -- it can take time to figure it out because people with BPD can also be really charming and present quite well.

Basically, people with BPD often project their inner turbulence on US, then WE absorb it (and often feel like we're going crazy) while the person with BPD remains detached and completely unaware of their own turmoil and what they're projecting on us. It can be quite maddening, which is why even therapists steer clear sometimes.

Just to add, then we feel out of control and upset and the person with BPD won't able to perceive their role in the dynamic and will blame us for everything.

How do they do this?

With an amazing ability to turn things around in their minds. Not really an ability.. they cannot comprehend that THEY are actually responsible. Therefore, someone else must be.

I mean, how do they do it to the recipient? How do they get normal people so addled?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When interacting with people with BPD it is common to have strong feelings -- anger or rage, uncertainty and insecurity, etc...and not quite understand what's happening, especially if these feelings are out of the ordinary for us -- it can take time to figure it out because people with BPD can also be really charming and present quite well.

Basically, people with BPD often project their inner turbulence on US, then WE absorb it (and often feel like we're going crazy) while the person with BPD remains detached and completely unaware of their own turmoil and what they're projecting on us. It can be quite maddening, which is why even therapists steer clear sometimes.

Just to add, then we feel out of control and upset and the person with BPD won't able to perceive their role in the dynamic and will blame us for everything.

How do they do this?

With an amazing ability to turn things around in their minds. Not really an ability.. they cannot comprehend that THEY are actually responsible. Therefore, someone else must be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When interacting with people with BPD it is common to have strong feelings -- anger or rage, uncertainty and insecurity, etc...and not quite understand what's happening, especially if these feelings are out of the ordinary for us -- it can take time to figure it out because people with BPD can also be really charming and present quite well.

Basically, people with BPD often project their inner turbulence on US, then WE absorb it (and often feel like we're going crazy) while the person with BPD remains detached and completely unaware of their own turmoil and what they're projecting on us. It can be quite maddening, which is why even therapists steer clear sometimes.

Just to add, then we feel out of control and upset and the person with BPD won't able to perceive their role in the dynamic and will blame us for everything.

How do they do this?

Agree with the previous two posts. One of the things that finally pushed me over the edge with a BPD boyfriend is that he agreed to go to therapy, but after he made the appointment, he told me I had to go too, of course, because I was really the source of our problems.

This guy was very, very successful--a very charming salesmen who looked like a great catch until you got to know him (which very few people did). It's difficult to describe how he deeply he messed with my head, and I'm one of those people who never thought I'd be in an abusive relationship, ever.

Anonymous wrote:When interacting with people with BPD it is common to have strong feelings -- anger or rage, uncertainty and insecurity, etc...and not quite understand what's happening, especially if these feelings are out of the ordinary for us -- it can take time to figure it out because people with BPD can also be really charming and present quite well.

Basically, people with BPD often project their inner turbulence on US, then WE absorb it (and often feel like we're going crazy) while the person with BPD remains detached and completely unaware of their own turmoil and what they're projecting on us. It can be quite maddening, which is why even therapists steer clear sometimes.

Just to add, then we feel out of control and upset and the person with BPD won't able to perceive their role in the dynamic and will blame us for everything.

When interacting with people with BPD it is common to have strong feelings -- anger or rage, uncertainty and insecurity, etc...and not quite understand what's happening, especially if these feelings are out of the ordinary for us -- it can take time to figure it out because people with BPD can also be really charming and present quite well.

Basically, people with BPD often project their inner turbulence on US, then WE absorb it (and often feel like we're going crazy) while the person with BPD remains detached and completely unaware of their own turmoil and what they're projecting on us. It can be quite maddening, which is why even therapists steer clear sometimes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The part I don't understand is how do they think other people do it? Do they really think they've been dealt a crap hand and everyone in their life is a horrible human out to get them? Do they not realize that most people are not estranged from all their family members and long-time friends?

That's the deal with the borderline in my life and I just don't understand how she doesn't see that there's a problem.

You also don't understand that their reality is different than yours. They don't/can't see things the same way as someone without the disorder. Their brains don't work the same way.

I wonder if some are thinking they know people with borderline personality disorder when the actual problem is something else. Bipolar, severe depression, sociopathy even.

+100

Not all abusers have BPD (some people are just mean and they like it) but all BPD have trauma/ abuse. If trauma is not there, it is not BPD. It is something else -- bipolar, anxiety, substance abuse, depression -- there are many alternatives. But PP, if you are with someone who is abusing you, it does not matter what their "diagnosis or excuse" is -- get out, ASAP.

+1

Once one understands BPD, one realizes just how needy these people are. They are not consciously manipulating people like narcissists and sociopaths. Yes, they lie, but do so to protect themselves, not to hurt others like the other personality disorders do. Their state is quite pitiful and well summed up by the title of the book: "I Hate You, Please Don't Leave Me." A statement like this would not be made by a narcissist or sociopath.

Many of them do go into therapy, but drive their therapists to the edge because they call them incessantly with all their insecurities and suicidal inclinations. In DBT the therapists for a BPD person must be available for them 24/7. This is hard work.

Being the partner of a BPD person can be very difficult, and I agree that in many cases the best course is to just leave because the drama and upheaval can be overwhelming. That said, there are ways one can learn to manage the BPD behavior to avoid eliciting the extreme reactions. They need a lot of validation, and that can be exhausting. Parents have no choice but to do this with their BPD children, but partners are more than forgiven for just opting out.

It is a very complex disorder with a high suicide rate -- many therapists will not take them as patients. This is why when someone is mean or manipulative, just throwing out "BPD!!" is so inaccurate. It is a total fracture of the personality from a young age, usually from abuser, but always from a trauma. Without this, you do not have BPD. The person has suffered such a trauma to the personality that they are unable to be truly intimate or trust others, although they would like to. And topping it off is the simple logic of abused become abusers (not everyone). They are adults now -- they can hurt like they have been hurt. Be cruel as they have been treated cruelly. Selfish as they have been treated selfishly. It is the emotional version of being in a wheelchair -- think of asking that person to jump up and walk -- not happening. Emotionally, they are crippled, usually permanently. As for forgiving them their hurtful behavior -- difficult b/c they have no real restraints on their hurtful behavior -- no one held back for them, they will not hold back for anyone. It is a syndrome with a low success rate, and a person with a more normal personality or psyche will not be very happy in a relationship with this kind of person. As I said, complex and usually incurable.
-- Psych nurse.

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for a normal person be be in a long-term relationship with someone with BPD (or a narcissist or a sociopath)? Or are they also ill to stay for so long, supporting them and basically validating them as they harm others?

Depends on how long the other person in the relationship stucks it out and deals with the abuse. I've know people in 5-10 to 20 year relationships (usually marriage and kids) with an abusive person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The part I don't understand is how do they think other people do it? Do they really think they've been dealt a crap hand and everyone in their life is a horrible human out to get them? Do they not realize that most people are not estranged from all their family members and long-time friends?

That's the deal with the borderline in my life and I just don't understand how she doesn't see that there's a problem.

You also don't understand that their reality is different than yours. They don't/can't see things the same way as someone without the disorder. Their brains don't work the same way.

I wonder if some are thinking they know people with borderline personality disorder when the actual problem is something else. Bipolar, severe depression, sociopathy even.

That's what I think too. You people are describing sociopaths and narcissists and calling them BPDs.

Nope. A common trait of BPD is the vascillating between idealization and demonizing of people around them. Narcissists are, well, narcissistic pretty much all the time. The real difficulty with BPD is that they swing between being kind and cruel, rapidly and irrationally, praising and attacking people whom they have relationships with (not necessarily romantic, but often familial). It's like you don't know which person you're going to run into, because the BPD person hasn't decided what their needs are with that person on that day. The person I know with BPD has no idea how mentally, emotionally abusive they are, and would be in denial to think they are truly hurting anyone - narcissists will often see the hurt, they just don't care - people with BPD don't even realize it.

If you want to get insights into BPD, watch "My Week with Marilyn." Many believe Marilyn and Princess Diana were BPD, and that Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Angelina Jolie are as well.

http://www.newhealthguide.org/Famous-People-With-Borderline-Personality-Disorder.html