Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some good advice in here. But, that means that I have to do all of the work. DH thinks he does his fair share, so asking him to do anything is pointless. Infuriating. And now, even though I spent weeks telling him we don't have money, he discovers that we have way less money that he thought. So, I just have to do the budget. It was his responsibility to pay the bills, but for the last several months, it basically takes my student loan almost defaulting to get him to do it. I don't nag. I'm very patient. A couple reminders here and there when he's in front of the computer to do it.

And, then last night... he didn't send off a fax for my car loan that I asked him to do three times, we got an order for something I told him I didn't mean to put in the Amazon cart (now I have to return it), my student loan bill not being paid, the lawn guy needing 2 months back pay, I just lost it.

It sounds like the only way to save my marriage is for me to quit my 2 part-time jobs (I make my own hours at both) trying to keep my foot in my career just so I can do all the work at the house.

Damn it, someone mailed us a big something, and he threw the box in the front yard where it sad for four days. After the first day, when one of the women from my neighborhood came over to pick something up and saw the box there before I could move it, I just left it until he moved it. Who puts a box in the small front yard? We looked like "those" people.

Part of my problem is that he not only doesn't clean messes up, but adds to the mess constantly. And, if I don't keep moving, the baby will end up eating spoiled food she found on the floor, because DH gave her a banana and let it rot on the floor when she doesn't want it. Every single day.

Now, I have to clean up crusted baby dinner off the couch, because he let the baby play try to feed herself on the furniture after dinner. It is unnecessary. Who puts a bowl of pasta with sauce on the couch for the kid to eat? That's why we have a high chair.

And, because the baby dinner he put there was still on the ottoman this morning, I had to move it, because the kid decided she wanted to eat yesterday's dinner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

And who does this for you?

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your DH need to get a hobby and do something new. That's the best way we stay fun and young together.

We ballroom dance weekly and it's been amazing for our relationship. Better than any marriage counselor. We have fun, we laugh, we work through problems (learning how to do moves) and we're working at something together. It also makes us see what an amazing person we married (such as DH is great at leading or I'm good at spinning).

I think you can do many hobbies, doesn't have to be dancing. I've seen this with some of my friends and golfing or their churches.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a lot of you women should start acting like ladies instead of spoiled brats.

+1000

Maybe a lot of you men should stop being lazy shits? No? Okay.

Funny, we weren't lazy when you married us or you ignored it and now you want to complain about. The problem comes in when you start trying to control everything. You become a mother. Men want a wife not some control freak.

Yes you were. It just mattered less. We assumed you, like us, would step up once kids and a real household came into play.

This is idiotic. You assumed someone could be changed? That they would suddenly throw away their own experiences and ways of dealing with the world?

So many people have a hard time accepting a very difficult concept: You married the wrong person. You married someone who isn't right for you and now it is annoying to you that they won't become the partner you expected. It is a terrible situation but it isn't impossible. You either accept the person you chose or you decide to get out of it with dignity and next time...marry someone who is up to your standards and expectations. If not, stay single...forever.

You sound like my husband. I wasn't aware that laziness was a such a fundamental and deeply cherished character trait.

This is why I married a foreign guy. He DID step up when we had kids. Got a better job, makes more money (me too -- I'm leaning in at work and home) and he is unfailingly tidy and gives the kids tons of attention at home, while doing about half of the parenting and chores. Plus he keeps himself in good shape, unlike American guys.

American guys all have this Peter Pan complex where they need to be treated like little boys for their whole lives and get petulant and whiny if they don't get to be spoiled, slovenly messes, and it's somehow all women's fault. Not worth it!

If you think about all people this way, you have a serious mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some good advice in here. But, that means that I have to do all of the work. DH thinks he does his fair share, so asking him to do anything is pointless. Infuriating. And now, even though I spent weeks telling him we don't have money, he discovers that we have way less money that he thought. So, I just have to do the budget. It was his responsibility to pay the bills, but for the last several months, it basically takes my student loan almost defaulting to get him to do it. I don't nag. I'm very patient. A couple reminders here and there when he's in front of the computer to do it.

And, then last night... he didn't send off a fax for my car loan that I asked him to do three times, we got an order for something I told him I didn't mean to put in the Amazon cart (now I have to return it), my student loan bill not being paid, the lawn guy needing 2 months back pay, I just lost it.

It sounds like the only way to save my marriage is for me to quit my 2 part-time jobs (I make my own hours at both) trying to keep my foot in my career just so I can do all the work at the house.

Damn it, someone mailed us a big something, and he threw the box in the front yard where it sad for four days. After the first day, when one of the women from my neighborhood came over to pick something up and saw the box there before I could move it, I just left it until he moved it. Who puts a box in the small front yard? We looked like "those" people.

Part of my problem is that he not only doesn't clean messes up, but adds to the mess constantly. And, if I don't keep moving, the baby will end up eating spoiled food she found on the floor, because DH gave her a banana and let it rot on the floor when she doesn't want it. Every single day.

Now, I have to clean up crusted baby dinner off the couch, because he let the baby play try to feed herself on the furniture after dinner. It is unnecessary. Who puts a bowl of pasta with sauce on the couch for the kid to eat? That's why we have a high chair.

And, because the baby dinner he put there was still on the ottoman this morning, I had to move it, because the kid decided she wanted to eat yesterday's dinner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

This is the dumbest thing I ahve ever heard. Both partners should be makine the other want to come home. Sounds like you are a hired housemaid that gets to sleep in the bed if you are good enough.

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

This resonated with me. I'm an engaged DH--parenting, housework, upkeep, etc...But home is about the last place I want to be at the end of the day. No matter what I do, I walk into stress, anger, and chaos.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

This is the dumbest thing I ahve ever heard. Both partners should be makine the other want to come home. Sounds like you are a hired housemaid that gets to sleep in the bed if you are good enough.

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

This resonated with me. I'm an engaged DH--parenting, housework, upkeep, etc...But home is about the last place I want to be at the end of the day. No matter what I do, I walk into stress, anger, and chaos.

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't exist OP.
Go read "Gone Girl."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

This is the dumbest thing I ahve ever heard. Both partners should be makine the other want to come home. Sounds like you are a hired housemaid that gets to sleep in the bed if you are good enough.

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

And who does this for you?