Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 20:08     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was at lunch this week with coworkers. Our friend of ours has an only grown daughter who has breast cancer. One of my coworkers actually said that it's too bad our friend has one child because if the child dies she will have no children. If you have two at least you'd have one left. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.
BTW. I have an only also.


What a terrible thing to say!


I don't know if it's so terrible. As a parent of an only, it's something I think about. Nobody wants to lose a child, but if something were to happen to mine, I'd no longer be a mother. It's a fact that if you have two kids, and one passes away, you'd still be a parent. Being a parent is my one and only important thing right now, so having that taken away would be devastating in a different way to losing one of two children. Please don't jump on me as I'm in no way saying it's not devastating to lose a child no matter how many you have. That is a given. But, depending on how it was said, I don't think it's the worst thing to discuss. Now, believe me, I know some tactless people who would barf out those words with ignorance or actual malicious intent. But if the coworker was trying to be a caring shoulder to cry on, maybe that's ok.


even when you lose a child - you are always a mother what an ignorant thing to say.


Ignorant? Just realistic. You can sugar-coat it all you want, but the fact is when a mom loses her only child, she no longer lives the role of a mother. Please know, I'd never say that to anybody in such a terrible situation, but I'm also not sure pretending it isn't something a mom would grieve over is the right thing either. If a mother expressed such thoughts to me, I certainly wouldn't say it was an ignorant thought.


Your "realism" is absurd - and ignorant. Hopefully you'll keep these thoughts to yourself. A mother is always a mother, even if she loses a child. You aren't less of a mother when your child goes off to college or gets married and moves away. If your child dies you may not be actively mothering, but you certainly are a mom.


But you no longer have a child. There's nothing ignorant about acknowledging it. If a grieving mother were to want to discuss this with me, I would NOT pretend she's being ignorant or absurd.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 19:09     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was at lunch this week with coworkers. Our friend of ours has an only grown daughter who has breast cancer. One of my coworkers actually said that it's too bad our friend has one child because if the child dies she will have no children. If you have two at least you'd have one left. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.
BTW. I have an only also.


What a terrible thing to say!


I don't know if it's so terrible. As a parent of an only, it's something I think about. Nobody wants to lose a child, but if something were to happen to mine, I'd no longer be a mother. It's a fact that if you have two kids, and one passes away, you'd still be a parent. Being a parent is my one and only important thing right now, so having that taken away would be devastating in a different way to losing one of two children. Please don't jump on me as I'm in no way saying it's not devastating to lose a child no matter how many you have. That is a given. But, depending on how it was said, I don't think it's the worst thing to discuss. Now, believe me, I know some tactless people who would barf out those words with ignorance or actual malicious intent. But if the coworker was trying to be a caring shoulder to cry on, maybe that's ok.


even when you lose a child - you are always a mother what an ignorant thing to say.


Ignorant? Just realistic. You can sugar-coat it all you want, but the fact is when a mom loses her only child, she no longer lives the role of a mother. Please know, I'd never say that to anybody in such a terrible situation, but I'm also not sure pretending it isn't something a mom would grieve over is the right thing either. If a mother expressed such thoughts to me, I certainly wouldn't say it was an ignorant thought.


Your "realism" is absurd - and ignorant. Hopefully you'll keep these thoughts to yourself. A mother is always a mother, even if she loses a child. You aren't less of a mother when your child goes off to college or gets married and moves away. If your child dies you may not be actively mothering, but you certainly are a mom.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 19:04     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
DH and I struggled with infertility so it was a big deal to "just" have one. Most people didn't know that it was hard for us to conceive and we were routinely asked when we were going to have another - as if it were a given. I think it was mostly small talk, but it seems like a really personal question to ask. Anyway, I'm sorry, OP. People are insensitive and stupid.

And not that you need to be convinced, but I have several only children in my family (nieces, nephews, cousins) and they are all incredibly outgoing, loving, secure, and confident.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 18:48     Subject: Re:Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:We have one child in part because my sibling is such a disaster and is the source of much family strife. My parents are very good and loving people. With the best of intentions, they routinely give me the shaft and it hurts my feelings over and over and over and over again. It will never change. And no, my sibling has no special needs at all. Just a terrible decision maker. If I had any more than my one and made her feel for one nanosecond like I feel in my family on a regular basis, I would jump off a building.


I am in the same position and I get where you are coming from. But the thing is, you would never give your first child the shaft, because you understand what it feels like in a fundamental way that your parents obviously do not.

I am still struggling quite a bit with the decision whether to have a second, so please don't think I am trying to tell you your feelings are invalid. I just thought I would share some of my internal debate about this.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 17:42     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
I have one because I almost died having the one I had and I was told not to have anymore. Not being dramatic, it is what it is and I'm happy for my life and love my child. But when people start with me about having more I just say "frankly it's more important for my son to have a mother than a sibling." Some people than tell me we could adopt. I just normally steer the conversation in a different direction or walk away. Are you kidding me?
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 15:30     Subject: Re:Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most people judge you if you have only 1, and they judge you if you have more than 2. Hell, there are plenty of DINKs who will judge you for having kids at all (and daring to take them anywhere in public an DINK might possibly be, but that's another thread).

Seriously, the only cure is to just stop giving a shit about what other people think about your personal and family decisions!


I'm a DINK in my early 40's and I have had plenty of judgement thrown my way for not having children. Just to clarify, I'm not a DINK who judges people for having children, taking kids to restaurants, etc. I actually like children and would have had one but for various reasons it just wasn't meant to be. People who don't even know me hear that my husband and I don't have kids and make all sorts of incorrect assumptions/judgments. People judge you no matter what you do. Those with 2 kids tend to get less judgement re: family size but I'm sure they are judged on other things.

I agree-the only cure is to stop giving a shit but it's tough. I won't lie and say the judgement doesn't bother me but I'm working on it.


PP here. You sound really cool and well adjusted. That's the only thing we can do -- work on accepting our lives as they are while still enjoying the greater world where people have made different decisions. Sounds like you are further down that path than 90% of people, so good on you!
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 14:53     Subject: Re:Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
OP here - and I'm not going to live in fear. The whole "heir and an spare" argument is beyond ridiculous.

Thanks for the support from the other parents of an only child. We are happy with our decision and I will use some of your well-phrased comebacks from now on!
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 10:26     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was at lunch this week with coworkers. Our friend of ours has an only grown daughter who has breast cancer. One of my coworkers actually said that it's too bad our friend has one child because if the child dies she will have no children. If you have two at least you'd have one left. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.
BTW. I have an only also.


What a terrible thing to say!


I don't know if it's so terrible. As a parent of an only, it's something I think about. Nobody wants to lose a child, but if something were to happen to mine, I'd no longer be a mother. It's a fact that if you have two kids, and one passes away, you'd still be a parent. Being a parent is my one and only important thing right now, so having that taken away would be devastating in a different way to losing one of two children. Please don't jump on me as I'm in no way saying it's not devastating to lose a child no matter how many you have. That is a given. But, depending on how it was said, I don't think it's the worst thing to discuss. Now, believe me, I know some tactless people who would barf out those words with ignorance or actual malicious intent. But if the coworker was trying to be a caring shoulder to cry on, maybe that's ok.


I have one and this is my anxiety as well. It would be the biggest reason to have a second and I know thats a dumb reason to have a kid so I haven't acted on it yet. I heard someone say the saddest thing is a childless mother. I can't imagine not being a mother if I lost my only one.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 08:26     Subject: Re:Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
When we were children ourselves, my best friend put it quite bluntly. "You need a spare child in case something happens," she said. Tragically, years later she lost her only 3-year old to a congenital disorder. We lost touch, and I am not sure why she never had another biological child. She and DH adopted an infant.

What a difficult thing to think about! At times I feel I am not cut out to deal with this life... I only have one, and the thought of having "a spare" does cross my mind.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2014 21:55     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was at lunch this week with coworkers. Our friend of ours has an only grown daughter who has breast cancer. One of my coworkers actually said that it's too bad our friend has one child because if the child dies she will have no children. If you have two at least you'd have one left. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.
BTW. I have an only also.


What a terrible thing to say!


I don't know if it's so terrible. As a parent of an only, it's something I think about. Nobody wants to lose a child, but if something were to happen to mine, I'd no longer be a mother. It's a fact that if you have two kids, and one passes away, you'd still be a parent. Being a parent is my one and only important thing right now, so having that taken away would be devastating in a different way to losing one of two children. Please don't jump on me as I'm in no way saying it's not devastating to lose a child no matter how many you have. That is a given. But, depending on how it was said, I don't think it's the worst thing to discuss. Now, believe me, I know some tactless people who would barf out those words with ignorance or actual malicious intent. But if the coworker was trying to be a caring shoulder to cry on, maybe that's ok.


even when you lose a child - you are always a mother what an ignorant thing to say.


Ignorant? Just realistic. You can sugar-coat it all you want, but the fact is when a mom loses her only child, she no longer lives the role of a mother. Please know, I'd never say that to anybody in such a terrible situation, but I'm also not sure pretending it isn't something a mom would grieve over is the right thing either. If a mother expressed such thoughts to me, I certainly wouldn't say it was an ignorant thought.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2014 21:46     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was at lunch this week with coworkers. Our friend of ours has an only grown daughter who has breast cancer. One of my coworkers actually said that it's too bad our friend has one child because if the child dies she will have no children. If you have two at least you'd have one left. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.
BTW. I have an only also.


What a terrible thing to say!


I don't know if it's so terrible. As a parent of an only, it's something I think about. Nobody wants to lose a child, but if something were to happen to mine, I'd no longer be a mother. It's a fact that if you have two kids, and one passes away, you'd still be a parent. Being a parent is my one and only important thing right now, so having that taken away would be devastating in a different way to losing one of two children. Please don't jump on me as I'm in no way saying it's not devastating to lose a child no matter how many you have. That is a given. But, depending on how it was said, I don't think it's the worst thing to discuss. Now, believe me, I know some tactless people who would barf out those words with ignorance or actual malicious intent. But if the coworker was trying to be a caring shoulder to cry on, maybe that's ok.


even when you lose a child - you are always a mother what an ignorant thing to say.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2014 21:38     Subject: Re:Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:Most people judge you if you have only 1, and they judge you if you have more than 2. Hell, there are plenty of DINKs who will judge you for having kids at all (and daring to take them anywhere in public an DINK might possibly be, but that's another thread).

Seriously, the only cure is to just stop giving a shit about what other people think about your personal and family decisions!


I'm a DINK in my early 40's and I have had plenty of judgement thrown my way for not having children. Just to clarify, I'm not a DINK who judges people for having children, taking kids to restaurants, etc. I actually like children and would have had one but for various reasons it just wasn't meant to be. People who don't even know me hear that my husband and I don't have kids and make all sorts of incorrect assumptions/judgments. People judge you no matter what you do. Those with 2 kids tend to get less judgement re: family size but I'm sure they are judged on other things.

I agree-the only cure is to stop giving a shit but it's tough. I won't lie and say the judgement doesn't bother me but I'm working on it.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2014 15:24     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was at lunch this week with coworkers. Our friend of ours has an only grown daughter who has breast cancer. One of my coworkers actually said that it's too bad our friend has one child because if the child dies she will have no children. If you have two at least you'd have one left. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.
BTW. I have an only also.


What a terrible thing to say!


I don't know if it's so terrible. As a parent of an only, it's something I think about. Nobody wants to lose a child, but if something were to happen to mine, I'd no longer be a mother. It's a fact that if you have two kids, and one passes away, you'd still be a parent. Being a parent is my one and only important thing right now, so having that taken away would be devastating in a different way to losing one of two children. Please don't jump on me as I'm in no way saying it's not devastating to lose a child no matter how many you have. That is a given. But, depending on how it was said, I don't think it's the worst thing to discuss. Now, believe me, I know some tactless people who would barf out those words with ignorance or actual malicious intent. But if the coworker was trying to be a caring shoulder to cry on, maybe that's ok.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2014 06:57     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People say the dumbest things. I'm preg with DC2 (DC1 is a girl) and the other day at the dentist, both the secretary and the hygienist said "Oh, I hope you have a boy" in such an incredibly concerned way. This is after I made it crystal clear that I have zero preference for either sex. I only heard about people saying things like that on DCUM, couldn't believe it happened IRL. I should've said "Well, I don't" but I was so stunned. They are both moms to only boys and I guess they hope I get to experience something similar to what they have, but it's an insulting to my potential DD2! Sorry, didn't mean to take over with my vent. OP, it is so annoying the things people say about your reproduction is my point.

Same experience here, only mine are both boys, and people were wishing me a girl. I guess some still view "one of each" as ideal.


NP here. Yes, I think people still view one of each as ideal. I have one of each so I hear it a lot. But even worse to me is that my son is my second child and is my bio kid; my first was adopted and once people found out we were having a boy, the comments kept rolling in that I must be so happy to be having "one of my own" and a boy at at that.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2014 06:38     Subject: Has Anyone Else Decided To Have Just One Child?
Anonymous wrote:I personally agree that having a second child would be in the best interest for everyone in your family since I myself grew up as an only child and hated every minute of it. I relied on my parents to entertain and play w/me and was very lonely and longed for siblings like everyone else.

However, this is MY opinion and I would never in a million years force this opinion on you or anyone else because it is not my business what other people do or do not do in their personal life.

If people really think they have a right to butt in your personal life like this, then I would ignore them, switch subjects immediately and discuss the weather.

Any reasonable and intelligent person would get the hint.

An idiot would not. And you do not want to associate w/idiots.


I would look at this differently. Kids with siblings can still be lonely, since a sibling does not guarantee compatibility or companionship. But it's not a bad thing to be lonely occasionally, because kids need to learn to be alone, to enjoy their own company, and to develop inner resources. These are essential skills for happiness in life regardless of whether you have siblings. Parents should help their kids develop the resources to be content in their own company and also provide strong social networks for their kids.