Anonymous wrote:It seems the frat boys felt comfortable making a black joke, but God forbid, they express any view against gay marriange on a college campus today.

Oh no, not the "joke" that allows the person to say racists remarks they really mean without taking responsibility. I could easily make "jokes" about frat boys but reality is that my joke has reduced a real person into a stereotype. In general, I believe most people want to feel like they belong and they want to feel valued. When a joke is made that has the impact of 20 people laughing that don't have anything in common with the butt of the joke (I.e. It was not self-depreciation) and the other 3 feeling isolated that have something in common with the butt of the joke, I can see how the isolated 3 are not amused. I can also see how the isolated 3 wonder if the 20 people that laughed really found it funny and agree or just didn't know how to react. It also puts the burden on the people already feeling isolated to either stick out even more by saying something or say nothing which gives the signal that something that really wasn't cool to say was okay by the people that were in essence the butt of the joke. I have never quite found that knack for defusing a situation that makes it clear it wasn't okay to say something in a way that doesn't become a conversation about my reaction and allows the person that made the comment a graceful way out assuming the person really didn't mean it seriously.

If this was truly an innocent joke that was just so funny and clearly not reflecting the personal opinions of the person telling the joke, would he have said the same joke if the majority of his classmates had something in common with the joke and he was the only one or one of a handful that did not? Also, would he feel equally comfortable with a joke made by a classmate that isolated him from all of his classmates (I.e. About fraternities if he was the only one in a fraternity in the class, or about his religion, or political background) and be laughing the loudest or would he feel uncomfortable?

As for a view against gay marriage, there are always classes where you have to argue for and against a position. The professor has to set the tone to keep things respectful and from getting personal. Keeping the goal on making persuasive arguments, realizing that understanding the opposing view can help you craft a better argument, and realizing that certain times emotions can work against the very people you are trying to convince ...and what emotions can help sway peoples (think political campaigns) would be I important IMHO.

To the OP, I would echo what everyone else is saying about having your daughter self-advocate. There is so much emphasis in the working world about being on a team and people skills and being able to work with different people (age, race, gender) as well as different personality types. Your DD will have clueless people and a$$holes that she may work with and sometimes for and she will have to figure out how to stand up for herself in a way that is constructive and still allows for people to continue working together in at least superficial harmony, when to let it roll, and when to cut bait.

It seems the frat boys felt comfortable making a black joke, but God forbid, they express any view against gay marriange on a college campus today.

I am still trying to figure out what the comment meant in the first place.

"Of course, this has less to do with racist comments and more to do with your daughter's reaction to rude comments. "

OP, I think the PP is in the minority on this thread. I think most of us following would classify the comments as racist, and do believe they should be addressed, although in the specifics we have a wide range of views. I've seen your comments evolve from an instinctual "I need to do something to protect my child" to a more hands off advisor role, and that seems like a perfectly appropriate process. I hope your daughter gets a decent response from her professor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AM I CRAZY???!!!!

Am I the only one who thinks this should've rolled off DD's back with a thought of "dumb ass" and an eye roll?

Before anyone starts, I'm the AA female who's preparing to send her own DC off to college, and for the life of me I can't understand going to a Diversity office, emailing a dean/professor, etc. This was nothing more than a dumb ass making a dumb ass comment. If she'd been physically assaulted or if this was even an ongoing thing, then I could see the point. But it's not. It's one comment that she should not even be thinking about a week later. But if it's blown into a federal case, it becomes a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be. Teach DD to have a thicker skin instead of reacting to every little comment and blowing things out of proportion. That child will never live in peace if her approach to living is to address every single slight by every single dumb ass.

Perhaps it's my background of being the only black girl in the class--in a small town. I heard the racist jokes, been asked racist questions and sat in class with teachers who were either insensitive, didn't hear or didn't care. And never ONCE in HS did I ever even mention the comments to my parents. Every class has dumb ass clowns in it (especially in HS), so I just thought of them as the dumb ass clowns and kept it moving. There were a few who seemed well-meaning and genuinely curious about black people, but I attributed their questions to ignorance and innocence. I'd hate to think of who I'd be today if my mother taught me by her actions that I was a victim, that I should react to every negative comment and that everyone up to the Superintendent needed to know about how badly her baby was being mistreated and that ignorant comments would not be tolerated! Not around her baby and not on her tax payer dime. Humph!

Calm down. Your experiences may not mirror OP's daughter's experiences. One size does not fit all in how things occur and how they're handled.

I'm sure OP understands that calling or emailing the school is not a good idea.

If you're talking about being in a classroom where an insensitive comment is made about blacks, then our experiences do mirror one another's. Though frankly, they don't have to. The bottom line is that DD needs to learn sooner rather than later to grow a thicker skin--especially as a black person. And that simply will not happen as long as Mommy's knee-jerk reaction is to contact a dean over a single comment made in class.

OP here. I think you are being a bit harsh. While my initial reaction was to contact the school, I didn't. I posted here for advice to gain some perspective on the situation. I realize that my DD is grown and this is something she will have to handle on her own. Other than arming her with advice and facts surrounding black male incarceration, I have made it clear to her that this is something that she will need to address because, even outside of the South, she may have to deal with similar issues again.

And it's great that you were able to shrug off racist comments. Good for you. My DD has grown up and lived in the DC area her entire life and has gone to predominately black schools. She has never faced something like what she's experiencing in her first year away from home. What's old hat to you is new to her. I'm proud of her for the steps she's taken in addressing this issue and I think this year away from home has been a great learning experience for her.

Good for you and your daughter!

Of course, this has less to do with racist comments and more to do with your daughter's reaction to rude comments.

Whether it's a comment from a white kid in class or black kid on the metro, she should've been better prepared to deal with PEOPLE before leaving for college. Bottom line.

But as you said, this is a growing experience for both of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AM I CRAZY???!!!!

Am I the only one who thinks this should've rolled off DD's back with a thought of "dumb ass" and an eye roll?

Before anyone starts, I'm the AA female who's preparing to send her own DC off to college, and for the life of me I can't understand going to a Diversity office, emailing a dean/professor, etc. This was nothing more than a dumb ass making a dumb ass comment. If she'd been physically assaulted or if this was even an ongoing thing, then I could see the point. But it's not. It's one comment that she should not even be thinking about a week later. But if it's blown into a federal case, it becomes a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be. Teach DD to have a thicker skin instead of reacting to every little comment and blowing things out of proportion. That child will never live in peace if her approach to living is to address every single slight by every single dumb ass.

Perhaps it's my background of being the only black girl in the class--in a small town. I heard the racist jokes, been asked racist questions and sat in class with teachers who were either insensitive, didn't hear or didn't care. And never ONCE in HS did I ever even mention the comments to my parents. Every class has dumb ass clowns in it (especially in HS), so I just thought of them as the dumb ass clowns and kept it moving. There were a few who seemed well-meaning and genuinely curious about black people, but I attributed their questions to ignorance and innocence. I'd hate to think of who I'd be today if my mother taught me by her actions that I was a victim, that I should react to every negative comment and that everyone up to the Superintendent needed to know about how badly her baby was being mistreated and that ignorant comments would not be tolerated! Not around her baby and not on her tax payer dime. Humph!

Calm down. Your experiences may not mirror OP's daughter's experiences. One size does not fit all in how things occur and how they're handled.

I'm sure OP understands that calling or emailing the school is not a good idea.

If you're talking about being in a classroom where an insensitive comment is made about blacks, then our experiences do mirror one another's. Though frankly, they don't have to. The bottom line is that DD needs to learn sooner rather than later to grow a thicker skin--especially as a black person. And that simply will not happen as long as Mommy's knee-jerk reaction is to contact a dean over a single comment made in class.

OP here. I think you are being a bit harsh. While my initial reaction was to contact the school, I didn't. I posted here for advice to gain some perspective on the situation. I realize that my DD is grown and this is something she will have to handle on her own. Other than arming her with advice and facts surrounding black male incarceration, I have made it clear to her that this is something that she will need to address because, even outside of the South, she may have to deal with similar issues again.

And it's great that you were able to shrug off racist comments. Good for you. My DD has grown up and lived in the DC area her entire life and has gone to predominately black schools. She has never faced something like what she's experiencing in her first year away from home. What's old hat to you is new to her. I'm proud of her for the steps she's taken in addressing this issue and I think this year away from home has been a great learning experience for her.

Glad you came back, OP. Sometimes people draw conclusions and surmise between the lines if you don't write a dissertation. I figured you were just blowing off steam and know that not all black experiences are the same. She is a young adult with more experiences, positive and negative, to come. Sounds like you're on the case. Good for you and DC.

+1 I hope that DD is chooses to deal with it (or not) in a way that brings her peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AM I CRAZY???!!!!

Am I the only one who thinks this should've rolled off DD's back with a thought of "dumb ass" and an eye roll?

Before anyone starts, I'm the AA female who's preparing to send her own DC off to college, and for the life of me I can't understand going to a Diversity office, emailing a dean/professor, etc. This was nothing more than a dumb ass making a dumb ass comment. If she'd been physically assaulted or if this was even an ongoing thing, then I could see the point. But it's not. It's one comment that she should not even be thinking about a week later. But if it's blown into a federal case, it becomes a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be. Teach DD to have a thicker skin instead of reacting to every little comment and blowing things out of proportion. That child will never live in peace if her approach to living is to address every single slight by every single dumb ass.

Perhaps it's my background of being the only black girl in the class--in a small town. I heard the racist jokes, been asked racist questions and sat in class with teachers who were either insensitive, didn't hear or didn't care. And never ONCE in HS did I ever even mention the comments to my parents. Every class has dumb ass clowns in it (especially in HS), so I just thought of them as the dumb ass clowns and kept it moving. There were a few who seemed well-meaning and genuinely curious about black people, but I attributed their questions to ignorance and innocence. I'd hate to think of who I'd be today if my mother taught me by her actions that I was a victim, that I should react to every negative comment and that everyone up to the Superintendent needed to know about how badly her baby was being mistreated and that ignorant comments would not be tolerated! Not around her baby and not on her tax payer dime. Humph!

Calm down. Your experiences may not mirror OP's daughter's experiences. One size does not fit all in how things occur and how they're handled.

I'm sure OP understands that calling or emailing the school is not a good idea.

If you're talking about being in a classroom where an insensitive comment is made about blacks, then our experiences do mirror one another's. Though frankly, they don't have to. The bottom line is that DD needs to learn sooner rather than later to grow a thicker skin--especially as a black person. And that simply will not happen as long as Mommy's knee-jerk reaction is to contact a dean over a single comment made in class.

OP here. I think you are being a bit harsh. While my initial reaction was to contact the school, I didn't. I posted here for advice to gain some perspective on the situation. I realize that my DD is grown and this is something she will have to handle on her own. Other than arming her with advice and facts surrounding black male incarceration, I have made it clear to her that this is something that she will need to address because, even outside of the South, she may have to deal with similar issues again.

And it's great that you were able to shrug off racist comments. Good for you. My DD has grown up and lived in the DC area her entire life and has gone to predominately black schools. She has never faced something like what she's experiencing in her first year away from home. What's old hat to you is new to her. I'm proud of her for the steps she's taken in addressing this issue and I think this year away from home has been a great learning experience for her.

Glad you came back, OP. Sometimes people draw conclusions and surmise between the lines if you don't write a dissertation. I figured you were just blowing off steam and know that not all black experiences are the same. She is a young adult with more experiences, positive and negative, to come. Sounds like you're on the case. Good for you and DC.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AM I CRAZY???!!!!

Am I the only one who thinks this should've rolled off DD's back with a thought of "dumb ass" and an eye roll?

Before anyone starts, I'm the AA female who's preparing to send her own DC off to college, and for the life of me I can't understand going to a Diversity office, emailing a dean/professor, etc. This was nothing more than a dumb ass making a dumb ass comment. If she'd been physically assaulted or if this was even an ongoing thing, then I could see the point. But it's not. It's one comment that she should not even be thinking about a week later. But if it's blown into a federal case, it becomes a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be. Teach DD to have a thicker skin instead of reacting to every little comment and blowing things out of proportion. That child will never live in peace if her approach to living is to address every single slight by every single dumb ass.

Perhaps it's my background of being the only black girl in the class--in a small town. I heard the racist jokes, been asked racist questions and sat in class with teachers who were either insensitive, didn't hear or didn't care. And never ONCE in HS did I ever even mention the comments to my parents. Every class has dumb ass clowns in it (especially in HS), so I just thought of them as the dumb ass clowns and kept it moving. There were a few who seemed well-meaning and genuinely curious about black people, but I attributed their questions to ignorance and innocence. I'd hate to think of who I'd be today if my mother taught me by her actions that I was a victim, that I should react to every negative comment and that everyone up to the Superintendent needed to know about how badly her baby was being mistreated and that ignorant comments would not be tolerated! Not around her baby and not on her tax payer dime. Humph!

Calm down. Your experiences may not mirror OP's daughter's experiences. One size does not fit all in how things occur and how they're handled.

I'm sure OP understands that calling or emailing the school is not a good idea.

If you're talking about being in a classroom where an insensitive comment is made about blacks, then our experiences do mirror one another's. Though frankly, they don't have to. The bottom line is that DD needs to learn sooner rather than later to grow a thicker skin--especially as a black person. And that simply will not happen as long as Mommy's knee-jerk reaction is to contact a dean over a single comment made in class.

OP here. I think you are being a bit harsh. While my initial reaction was to contact the school, I didn't. I posted here for advice to gain some perspective on the situation. I realize that my DD is grown and this is something she will have to handle on her own. Other than arming her with advice and facts surrounding black male incarceration, I have made it clear to her that this is something that she will need to address because, even outside of the South, she may have to deal with similar issues again.

And it's great that you were able to shrug off racist comments. Good for you. My DD has grown up and lived in the DC area her entire life and has gone to predominately black schools. She has never faced something like what she's experiencing in her first year away from home. What's old hat to you is new to her. I'm proud of her for the steps she's taken in addressing this issue and I think this year away from home has been a great learning experience for her.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the great feedback.

My daughter is naturally an introvert wall-flower type. She avoids confrontation, so addressing this in that moment would not have happened. She's 18, so I don't expect her to react as I would when faced with racist remarks. Indeed, this year has been a learning experience for her. She's now taking the attitude that she doesn't want to befriend white people because she thinks they secretively feel this way about her and I don't want that. I want her to have diversity in her friends, but this year seems to be having the opposite effect.

I will speak with her and really push for her to contact the Professor during office hours and express her concerns. I would greatly prefer she address it in class, but I know that her personality won't allow it. I will ask that she consider it, though. I agree that this is a learning moment for her and I'd prefer that she resolve this on her own, but if she'd rather drop it, I may step in and email the Dean.

OP, I'm the PP from early in the thread, who asked for the context of the comments. (Did you get any more details? Also has your DD talked to any of her classmates?) Maybe it goes without saying, but if you were to email the Dean, you'd be relaying third-hand information.

I would not be disappointed at your DD going to office hours rather than speaking up in class. If your DD were to go to the prof's office hours, she could have a conversation about what happened in class that day. They could discuss where the student's comment came from, why people reacted as they did, your DD's opinion, how that relates to the topic of the course, how it impacted her experience in the class, how it impacted her thoughts. Point of view is a theme in all English classes. Race, gender, people who make as#*(!@ comments, all the rest. This is the sort of conversation that your DD should be having. If you ever read any John Dewey (he was an American philosopher who wrote about educational reform) you'll find discussion of "rich" educational experiences. The conversation with the prof could be that.

^^How in the world did a good debate evolve to the kind of nasty speech that the poster exhibited? However, I went back and read her initial remarks and it's laced with vulgar remarks.

It sounds like there's a lot of residual anger from her high school days, and she brought it to this forum. This isn't about OP's child. Her ugly remarks is about how she was treated in high school. Psychology 101.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AM I CRAZY???!!!!

Am I the only one who thinks this should've rolled off DD's back with a thought of "dumb ass" and an eye roll?

Before anyone starts, I'm the AA female who's preparing to send her own DC off to college, and for the life of me I can't understand going to a Diversity office, emailing a dean/professor, etc. This was nothing more than a dumb ass making a dumb ass comment. If she'd been physically assaulted or if this was even an ongoing thing, then I could see the point. But it's not. It's one comment that she should not even be thinking about a week later. But if it's blown into a federal case, it becomes a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be. Teach DD to have a thicker skin instead of reacting to every little comment and blowing things out of proportion. That child will never live in peace if her approach to living is to address every single slight by every single dumb ass.

Perhaps it's my background of being the only black girl in the class--in a small town. I heard the racist jokes, been asked racist questions and sat in class with teachers who were either insensitive, didn't hear or didn't care. And never ONCE in HS did I ever even mention the comments to my parents. Every class has dumb ass clowns in it (especially in HS), so I just thought of them as the dumb ass clowns and kept it moving. There were a few who seemed well-meaning and genuinely curious about black people, but I attributed their questions to ignorance and innocence. I'd hate to think of who I'd be today if my mother taught me by her actions that I was a victim, that I should react to every negative comment and that everyone up to the Superintendent needed to know about how badly her baby was being mistreated and that ignorant comments would not be tolerated! Not around her baby and not on her tax payer dime. Humph!

Calm down. Your experiences may not mirror OP's daughter's experiences. One size does not fit all in how things occur and how they're handled.

I'm sure OP understands that calling or emailing the school is not a good idea.

As a college professor I can assure you that many parents do think it is a good idea. Actually not parents. Mothers. I have never had a father call me about poor little Johnny. But I do have to explain to Mommy that no, little Johnny can't rewrite his exam because his tummy was sore that day and he didn't do his best. 99.9% of the time, I just refuse to speak with the mothers and tell them to have their adult child contact me directly.

You must be one of a very few phone accessible professors. Back in the day, my profs never answered the phone, and we didn't have email.

Our phone numbers and email addresses are all available on the school website in the faculty directory.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AM I CRAZY???!!!!

Am I the only one who thinks this should've rolled off DD's back with a thought of "dumb ass" and an eye roll?

Before anyone starts, I'm the AA female who's preparing to send her own DC off to college, and for the life of me I can't understand going to a Diversity office, emailing a dean/professor, etc. This was nothing more than a dumb ass making a dumb ass comment. If she'd been physically assaulted or if this was even an ongoing thing, then I could see the point. But it's not. It's one comment that she should not even be thinking about a week later. But if it's blown into a federal case, it becomes a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be. Teach DD to have a thicker skin instead of reacting to every little comment and blowing things out of proportion. That child will never live in peace if her approach to living is to address every single slight by every single dumb ass.

Perhaps it's my background of being the only black girl in the class--in a small town. I heard the racist jokes, been asked racist questions and sat in class with teachers who were either insensitive, didn't hear or didn't care. And never ONCE in HS did I ever even mention the comments to my parents. Every class has dumb ass clowns in it (especially in HS), so I just thought of them as the dumb ass clowns and kept it moving. There were a few who seemed well-meaning and genuinely curious about black people, but I attributed their questions to ignorance and innocence. I'd hate to think of who I'd be today if my mother taught me by her actions that I was a victim, that I should react to every negative comment and that everyone up to the Superintendent needed to know about how badly her baby was being mistreated and that ignorant comments would not be tolerated! Not around her baby and not on her tax payer dime. Humph!

I agree that it is good to develop a thicker skin. For her own sake, it is better not to give too much energy or emotion to some dumbass who makes a racist comment.

But this is a learning environment. As a white person, and someone who has been a teacher, I would want to know if I said something inappropriate that made a minority student feel uncomfortable. If I had A child in that classroom, I would not want that child think that what happened was okay.

I had the thick skin of an elephant (in college and now) but I had no problem picking up the phone to talk to my mother if there was something on my mind. And my mother never admonished me for seeking her advice and using her as a sounding board. Where is it written that you have to go it alone and not seek out the opinion of someone you trust just because you're in college?

No, OP should not fight her DC's battles but if DC needs to blow off some steam, it's nice to know that there's someone there she can trust. If I didn't have a close, trusted confidant, I probably would've jumped on the phone to rant to my mother instead of cursing the chucklehead out who make that ignorant comment in DC's class.

I don't think anyone has a problem with DD relaying the situation to her mother. I think the bigger issue is Mom's reaction. Call the dean? Not on my dime? Time to let the little munchkin grow up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AM I CRAZY???!!!!

Am I the only one who thinks this should've rolled off DD's back with a thought of "dumb ass" and an eye roll?

Before anyone starts, I'm the AA female who's preparing to send her own DC off to college, and for the life of me I can't understand going to a Diversity office, emailing a dean/professor, etc. This was nothing more than a dumb ass making a dumb ass comment. If she'd been physically assaulted or if this was even an ongoing thing, then I could see the point. But it's not. It's one comment that she should not even be thinking about a week later. But if it's blown into a federal case, it becomes a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be. Teach DD to have a thicker skin instead of reacting to every little comment and blowing things out of proportion. That child will never live in peace if her approach to living is to address every single slight by every single dumb ass.

Perhaps it's my background of being the only black girl in the class--in a small town. I heard the racist jokes, been asked racist questions and sat in class with teachers who were either insensitive, didn't hear or didn't care. And never ONCE in HS did I ever even mention the comments to my parents. Every class has dumb ass clowns in it (especially in HS), so I just thought of them as the dumb ass clowns and kept it moving. There were a few who seemed well-meaning and genuinely curious about black people, but I attributed their questions to ignorance and innocence. I'd hate to think of who I'd be today if my mother taught me by her actions that I was a victim, that I should react to every negative comment and that everyone up to the Superintendent needed to know about how badly her baby was being mistreated and that ignorant comments would not be tolerated! Not around her baby and not on her tax payer dime. Humph!

Calm down. Your experiences may not mirror OP's daughter's experiences. One size does not fit all in how things occur and how they're handled.

I'm sure OP understands that calling or emailing the school is not a good idea.

If you're talking about being in a classroom where an insensitive comment is made about blacks, then our experiences do mirror one another's. Though frankly, they don't have to. The bottom line is that DD needs to learn sooner rather than later to grow a thicker skin--especially as a black person. And that simply will not happen as long as Mommy's knee-jerk reaction is to contact a dean over a single comment made in class.

Fair enough. You should handle situations the way you see fit and others should do the same.

I agree.

But let's be honest: Some ways of handling situations are healthier than others.

If OP's DD looks for someone to file a complaint with every time she encounters a perceived slight (whether real or imagined) she's going to be in for a very long, stressful, unproductive life that leads to nowhere healthy. For her own sake, she needs to get a grip.