Anonymous wrote:Now, all that said, I hope you think about the bigger picture here. Please, OP, encourage your daughter not to rely on her SES status and HHI to be soley the result of her husband's career and income. That is a very dangerous trap that women have fallen into for generations. That is why women usually end up with the proverbial short end of the stick in a divorce. It is why I would never be content as a full time SAHM. I grew up in a home with two married conventional parents. My mom, while an ivy league grad, stayed home once my brother and I were born and my dad was in charge of all their finances. Frankly, now that they are elderly, I dont think my mom has clue what their personal finances look like. That scares the crap out of me. I will not be that wife, that mom, that woman. Its the bigger picture here in my mind, OP.

+1

If it makes you feel better, plenty of people in law make that kind of 'backwards' step all the time, on purpose.

I assume your husband was in Biglaw to be making that kind of money. What type of job is he in now? I ask because it's very likely this lower paying job will allow him to have more time with you and your child and will be much less stressful for him. I took a huge pay cut when I was able to leave Biglaw and my wife was thrilled that we would have more time together and I wouldn't be super stressed all the time. Our income is similar to yours and trust me, it's more than enough to have a happy life together.

Others may be perfectly happy living on less but there's no question that it's hard to adjust to a big drop in income.

I agree that it likely is hard to adjust, and feel badly for OP that she is going through a difficult time. That being said, OP feeling depressed or focusing on this issue is not helpful to her, and it is important to keep the issue in perspective. OP, in addition to your current social circle, I think it might help to try to make friends with some other families in your same income situation so that you are not always comparing yourself unfavorably to others.

Anonymous wrote:He is an attorney and lost his job when the legal market tanked. Our mortgage is 2400 per month and day care is 1500(find me something cheaper I beg you. Does not exist). After saving for retirement and college and paying bills and groceries we have no discretionary money. I am just sad at my reality. I am fully aware it's fine but it's not at all what I imagined. Disappointment

I feel where you're coming from, OP. Others may be perfectly happy living on less but there's no question that it's hard to adjust to a big drop in income.

With that said, I do think it's possible to do better than $1,500/mo on daycare, depending where you live. We're in the Falls Church area and pay $1,200mo for a licensed in-home provider that we *love*. She's full now but had no waiting list at all when we first signed up two years ago. These options do exist but you have to hunt for them.

I'm in the same exact financial situation as OP, percentage-wise, and it's really really hard to just "accept and move on" when you slide backwards -- hard.

I know I need to do just that, accept, in order to be mentally healthy and not be bitter for the rest of my life (I'm 47 so things aren't going to really shoot back 'up' for me in the time I have left). I am beyond grateful that for the time being, I have my good health and so does DS. I try to focus on that.


As someone who grew up happy and lower middle class, never ever knowing the "finer" things in life until her late 20s, I will say this:

I found that it was much, MUCH easier to just never know about the things that come along with a high professional income in the first place, than to have enjoyed those things and have them yanked away from you abruptly. I'm serious.

What's more, as an educated and supposedly enlightened woman who is surrounded by educated and enlightened peers, you can never, ever breathe word of these feelings of loss to your enlightened friends. One, because they will call you shallow for mourning the loss of "stuff." Two, because in many or all cases, they themselves are likely still living the good life themselves and can't relate (although they may mouth empathetic words if they are indeed good and loyal friends. Then they go to their personal trainer).

So I quickly learned to internalize these feelings of loss, shame and envy. They're ugly, no one wants to hear them, they reflect badly on me ... but they're real.

OP- totally honest question: did you marry husband for his money? Consciously or unconsciously? I'm curious not wanting to snark on you.

(By the way, I have sympathy- sounds like a big adjustment and it makes sense that it's hard to adjust expectations)

-Signed, a woman who makes WAY less than your family now

I can't imagine living life everyday envying what others have. What a shitty waste of time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel better, at least you have the husband! I don't, so I'm trying to raise my daughter in an expensive area on less than $100K salary. And no time/money to date since I have primary (most days) custody.) Most of my friends are either married with kids and pretty well-off or single and child-free and pretty well-off. I don't get to do much either.

Feel better? It could be worse. And this could be temporary. Try to see it as a phase on the way to better things.

What a truly obnoxious post.

Why? It's called perspective. (Not the PP)

Because it lacks empathy. And frames the issue as "who is more miserable?" OP is allowed to feel bad and depressed, even if others have it worse. SHe was looking for support and how to regain perspective. Some of the posters have done that in a way that is empathetic, reasonable, and helpful. The vast majority have not. Rather, they spew their jealous barbs and insults. It's disgusting and unnecessary.

Ok, just didn't think this particular post was that bad. Empathy can be hard to give if you haven't been in that position. Shrug.

That is what empathy is all about. You don't have to experience what the person is going through to have empathy. I'm not even remotely in the OPs position and can see where she is coming from.

I think it is hard to go "backwards" with kids. For me, I could easily wear cheaper clothes, eat out less, have a crappier car, live someplace smaller, and not be considerably less happy. But the thought of your kids not having the educational opportunities you hoped they would, not having a yard etc., not having money to pay for extracurriculars is hard. So I have sympathy for the OP.

Anonymous wrote:He is an attorney and lost his job when the legal market tanked. Our mortgage is 2400 per month and day care is 1500(find me something cheaper I beg you. Does not exist). After saving for retirement and college and paying bills and groceries we have no discretionary money. I am just sad at my reality. I am fully aware it's fine but it's not at all what I imagined. Disappointment

\

How many years has it been since the salary drop? If more than 2, you need to get over it and move on.

I do think your mortgage and daycare expenses are normal for this area. The next thing I would consider is how much you are paying for your cars. If you are carrying car payments, you need to consider selling the cars and dropping down to something used that you can afford to buy in cash. This will save you money every month.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is an attorney and lost his job when the legal market tanked. Our mortgage is 2400 per month and day care is 1500(find me something cheaper I beg you. Does not exist). After saving for retirement and college and paying bills and groceries we have no discretionary money. I am just sad at my reality. I am fully aware it's fine but it's not at all what I imagined. Disappointment

I'm a little confused at your math. I'm a single mom. I'm making $120K. I'm paying about what you're paying for mortgage and daycare. I'm saving $4K a year for son's college but much much less for my own retirement. When DS is 10, I plan to invert that and save more like $4K for my retirement and put aside more like $2K for his college, assuming things are still financially as they are now. Things are tight, but by no means terrible. We go out to eat about two times a week; I am able to have wonderful birthdays with him and buy him the presents I want to buy him; we are planning a vacation to Luray Caves and maybe another to Baltimore this summer... I don't seem to be as angry or resentful as you, and I just wonder what else is going on with your money. I drive an old late model cheapo but reliable car, so low insurance and no car payment. I don't have cable and have a boring cheapo phone ($35+ taxes a month). I keep our thermostat really low and buy some of my clothes at Goodwill.

I also have looked into the afterschool care and it's A LOT less, so I am optimistic in 2 years that maybe things will ease up (as I won't be paying for daycare.)

I'm honestly not trying to sound mean, but I am truly confused by why you'd be so upset at your finances...

Do your kid a favor and save for your own retirement. Poor kid will have to support your old broke ass one day.

It's a vicious cycle. It's a no-win: kid either takes out (sometimes substantial) loans, or has to support parents in retirement. Sometimes both. So while you think you're doing your kids a favor, they're still paying up regardless, right?

I agree you should save for retirement, I just think parents are in a tough spot and there's no easy answer- my dad's industry took a big hit so his earning potential dipped over time, my mom was never a high earner. They didn't save enough for either college or retirement. They did the best they could, but now that my student loans are payed off I'm nervous about their retirement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel better, at least you have the husband! I don't, so I'm trying to raise my daughter in an expensive area on less than $100K salary. And no time/money to date since I have primary (most days) custody.) Most of my friends are either married with kids and pretty well-off or single and child-free and pretty well-off. I don't get to do much either.

Feel better? It could be worse. And this could be temporary. Try to see it as a phase on the way to better things.

What a truly obnoxious post.

Why? It's called perspective. (Not the PP)

Because it lacks empathy. And frames the issue as "who is more miserable?" OP is allowed to feel bad and depressed, even if others have it worse. SHe was looking for support and how to regain perspective. Some of the posters have done that in a way that is empathetic, reasonable, and helpful. The vast majority have not. Rather, they spew their jealous barbs and insults. It's disgusting and unnecessary.

Ok, just didn't think this particular post was that bad. Empathy can be hard to give if you haven't been in that position. Shrug.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is an attorney and lost his job when the legal market tanked. Our mortgage is 2400 per month and day care is 1500(find me something cheaper I beg you. Does not exist). After saving for retirement and college and paying bills and groceries we have no discretionary money. I am just sad at my reality. I am fully aware it's fine but it's not at all what I imagined. Disappointment

I'm a little confused at your math. I'm a single mom. I'm making $120K. I'm paying about what you're paying for mortgage and daycare. I'm saving $4K a year for son's college but much much less for my own retirement. When DS is 10, I plan to invert that and save more like $4K for my retirement and put aside more like $2K for his college, assuming things are still financially as they are now. Things are tight, but by no means terrible. We go out to eat about two times a week; I am able to have wonderful birthdays with him and buy him the presents I want to buy him; we are planning a vacation to Luray Caves and maybe another to Baltimore this summer... I don't seem to be as angry or resentful as you, and I just wonder what else is going on with your money. I drive an old late model cheapo but reliable car, so low insurance and no car payment. I don't have cable and have a boring cheapo phone ($35+ taxes a month). I keep our thermostat really low and buy some of my clothes at Goodwill.

I also have looked into the afterschool care and it's A LOT less, so I am optimistic in 2 years that maybe things will ease up (as I won't be paying for daycare.)

I'm honestly not trying to sound mean, but I am truly confused by why you'd be so upset at your finances...

Oh my. No no no. Never, EVER prioritize college over retirement savings. You can borrow for college, but not for retirement.

Max out retirement NOW. Then plan for college.

Anonymous wrote:When dh and I got married he has an extremely lucrative job. Lost the job and now is making about 1/4 his salary from before. I also work ft. Hopes of him getting a better job are slim, maybe in the future. I nag him to apply and network. He resents me. Our quality of life has just changed so much. We have no money to do anything fun like eat at a restaurant or take a weekend away. All our money goes to a reasonable mortgage and day care. Can't have a second kid because we can't afford 2 kids in daycare. Just depressed seeing all my other friends have more successful spouses, babies, trips, nice houses. Just depressed. I know it's pathetic and I need to be happy. But we went from a hhi of 400k to around 150k. All my expectations that we talk about, just an easier path, are poof. I sound terrible but I am just really sad. I am thankful for being able to still afford our house etc. but just so depressed. Vent over, go ahead an berate me.

You don't sound terrible. You sound like a woman going through a huge lifestyle adjustment, and that is HARD. Any chance of relocation to where you could get some help with the kids and better job prospects?