You need to be the parent your child needs. He does not need to be the child you need. Figure out how to best be a parent to him and realize he is not you and not a reflection of you. He is his own person and has a right to live his own life without your baggage weighing him down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an adoptive parent and often hear other adoptive parents lament that they really wanted a biological child to "be like them", "look like them", "have a reflection of themselves" and I believe that's true for the majority of people. it doesn't end with just looks either. People want all their best qualities to be reflected in their child and reasonably expect that to happen - including intellect. So I really do understand what the OP is saying.

This can easily cross the line into parental narcissism. A parent wanting to "have a reflection of myself" (in whatever way) is looking to the kid for mirroring and validation. That's not what children are for.

We all struggle with this. I have to continually remind myself to see my child for who she is, not what I want her to be or what I want her to reflect back at me. She's not an extension of me.

+100

Anonymous wrote:I am an adoptive parent and often hear other adoptive parents lament that they really wanted a biological child to "be like them", "look like them", "have a reflection of themselves" and I believe that's true for the majority of people. it doesn't end with just looks either. People want all their best qualities to be reflected in their child and reasonably expect that to happen - including intellect. So I really do understand what the OP is saying.

This can easily cross the line into parental narcissism. A parent wanting to "have a reflection of myself" (in whatever way) is looking to the kid for mirroring and validation. That's not what children are for.

We all struggle with this. I have to continually remind myself to see my child for who she is, not what I want her to be or what I want her to reflect back at me. She's not an extension of me.

Please, you have a preschooler and a fetus. You may just want to sit back and take advice right now instead of giving it. You are well on your way to being the OP and you may want to start with the book recommended now instead of waiting.



Life will happen all over you soon enough.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just want to say that I get what you are saying. I also think that the posters here being cruel to you have almost certainly not walked a mile (or even a foot) in your shoes.I commend you for being honest. I also want to say that genes are weird. My husband and I are both university professors at a top school (not in DC) and we know many professor couples with kids. Many of these professors are world famous, up for the nobel prize, graduated top of their class at MIT, Harvard, etc.

Some of these professors have really bright kids. But a surprising number do not. They go to average schools, take non academic jobs. One I can think of , of two of the most successful people out there, skipped college and went into the military.

You could say it's because these people were too busy to parent their children. Occasionally that might be a contributing factor. But honestly, genes are weird. What I am trying to say OP is that you are not alone.

When we had our first child, I tried to think that my goal was to have a child that was comfortable in his own skin and a good person. But even so, when I first saw my son, he had a certain look in his eye, and I confess a tiny part of me was relieved -- I realized he was "one of us." -- ie intellectual. Not sure how I knew, but I did. And to the extent I can tell -- he is still a preschooler, I am right. Loves books, math, very focused, etc. Things may still go differently, but right now they do not.

I think it is only natural not necessarily to have a narrow view of success for your child, but to want a child you can relate to and parent naturally. So I understand the difficulty in having that not be the case. And I don't fault you, at all.

I hope that by being honest here (and thinking about this issue) you can think about how to relate to your son as you said. Maybe you can find an activity you enjoy together. If you can phrase it in this way, and hope that your son will be the best that he can offer to this world, you will be a fabulous, and I'd like to think proud parent.

We are set to have another child and I am gearing up for this all over again. OP, I hope I can be honest as you are and use that to be a good parent. My best to you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

Ouch. Please admire him. Admire him in all his differences.

I think a part of you has your self-worth tied up in his successes. Too many people in this area are living vicariously through their kids. They push them incessantly. They miss 'the kid' in front of them. You see these parents on the sidelines or hear them in the school parking lot. Their kids can hear them to, trust me. They know they can't measure up to their parents' expectations. Their self-worth comes about pleasing the parents.

You need to realize this kid is not you or your husband. He is not meant to follow your script. He is a young kid. God---imagine if we gave up on everyone at 12.

Too many type-A parents see having kids as just another 'project' in life. I see the SAHM that gave up very lucrative careers that now have their 'kids' as careers. Their whole entier self-identity and self-worth is through their kid's achievements. They can't separate from their children. IT is so toxic.

I worry more about 9:42's child than OP's. He's one of us! Not that I would have a problem with a child who was "one of them" (average? Stupid?) of course. But I don't have to worry about that because my three year mod is an intellectual.

Please. For a super genius you have an awfully limited view of human potential. That you would label a three year old one of anything is just ridiculous. And now that child will grow up with that label. As a PP noted, it's those kids who realize they can't meet expectations and just give up. Plus the humble bragging is barf worthy. There's nothing wrong with an average kid it's just that mine is an intellectual. As I said, barf.

I think its sometimes very hard to parent children who aren't like us, their parents. My 5yo DD gets very intimidated and lacks confidence - something I never did as a child.

I find myself stuck- I'm not sure what to say. Do I tell her to suck it up and get back out there? Do I tell her its ok to sit out if she's scared? I'm not sure. I've never been her and don't know how to handle it.

I think, OP, this is actually what you are facing. You have a kid who is motivated differently that you were. It's just a quality - not unlike having blue eyes or being tall. That's all it is. You need to put aside your judgement of that quality and help your son to find what makes him shine in a way that works for him. Parenting books, therapists etc., can help you to do it. So can just talking to him.

Remember, we need to parent the child we have, not the one we want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

I am the father to a 12 yo daughter. She is not great at sports, but she tries hard. She works hard -- much harder than I did at that age. I think I am smarter in terms of raw CPU, but she is much better with people than me. She is not a straight A (or all 4 student), but it does not impact how I feel about her.

Me, when I was that age, lets see, I got in fights at school, and was suspended multiple times in the sixth grade. In the seventh grade, I brought home a report card with 4 D's and an F. I did not try sports....and I was a loner. Today, I am a productive member of society, earning well into six figures doing ground breaking research in my scientific field.

12 is young. This country excels at second chances.

Nice post, PP. And good job.

Anonymous wrote:DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

I didn't read through any of these 6 pages but I will say this:

Everyone isn't meant to be king, there are other players on the board that have equally important roles and purposes. Some are meant to be the gears working behind the curtains, and they don't need to stand out in everything - just do what they were intended to do, and do it correctly. As parent, your role is to help him move in confidence in what his purpose and natural talent is. His talent/interest may not be your natural talent - but there is something that is special and unique for him.

You say that you're having a hard time accepting him for who he is, but you don't even know who that is yet. Help him find it, and you will all be happier for it. You don't want him to be one of those people in life that never find their purpose.

Anonymous wrote:DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

I didn't read through any of these 12 pages but I will say this:

Everyone isn't meant to be king, there are other players on the board that have equally important roles and purposes. Some are meant to be the gears working behind the curtains, and they don't need to stand out in everything - just do what they were intended to do, and do it correctly. As parent, your role is to help him move in confidence in what his purpose and natural talent is. His talent/interest may not be your natural talent - but there is something that is special and unique for him.

You say that you're having a hard time accepting him for who he is, but you don't even know who that is yet. Help him find it, and you will all be happier for it. You don't want him to be one of those people in life that never find their purpose.

I am an adoptive parent and often hear other adoptive parents lament that they really wanted a biological child to "be like them", "look like them", "have a reflection of themselves" and I believe that's true for the majority of people. it doesn't end with just looks either. People want all their best qualities to be reflected in their child and reasonably expect that to happen - including intellect. So I really do understand what the OP is saying.

OP I haven't read the responses and don't care to. I can understand your disappointment a bit - my older son is similar to yours. I was really athletic and my son...isn't. To put it mildly. So I get you, I really do.

About 3 months ago he developed a tremor in his hand/arm. We have now had 2 MRIs, a brain x-ray, an EEG, more bloodwork than I can count, and 2 months of waiting on pins and needles to find out if my kid is dying of some horrible neurological condition, or if he "just" has a tremor, or if it was a passing fluke. We've also had endocrinologist, geneticist, and opthamologist appointments. Waiting on all of those results too.

Nothing will put your life in perspective better than watching your 8 year-old son set his jaw and bravely step back into another MRI machine when he sobbed for half an hour after he got out of the first one. Nothing will put your life in perspective more than sitting in the waiting room at the neurologist and feeling so horrible for the kids with these terrible conditions, and also feeling like a monster for just praying that you won't have to watch your own child suffer that way. I go to bed at night wondering if we get to keep our son, or if he will be taken from us.

Your issues are in the "normal" world and I'll be the first to say I understand your disappointment. I do. But in the range of things that can go "wrong" with your child, this is something you all can live with (literally and figuratively). Go give him a hug.

Wow, PP. Thanks for the tip on this book. I was primed on success, so to speak, and it took me some time to power past that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read "Growth Mindset" by Carol Dweck. Intelligence is not fixed.

Yes, yes, THIS. THIS. Do this, OP. It will give you tools to parent better--it changed the way I parent.

Also, I don't agree with those bashing you. You are writing for help, and some people are taking the opportunity of you expressing your vulnerability to attack you. This a particularly annoying aspect of some people.

I believe you are as sharp and driven as you say you are. You and your DH have probably accomplished a lot through a combination of inborn talent and hard work--work ethic.

The work ethic, the "trying" mentality (rather than "succeeding") is what the Dweck book is about. Basically, molding the brain to get a dopamine surge from *trying*, not from *succeeding*. Paradoxically, those kids who are primed to try, and don't care as much about succeeding, end up succeeding more, because the kids primed on success get scared and don't want to try new things, and pretty much stick with what they know. A parent has the power to create one type of brain or the other in the child depending on what they focus on and how they praise the child. I'm making sweeping statements here, but that's sort of the nutshell and the book will go into it in detail.

Add David and Goliath - Malcolm Gladwell

(I am thinking it will help you see why you are Goliath, your strenghts in the end are your weakness.)

OP, I just want to say that I get what you are saying. I also think that the posters here being cruel to you have almost certainly not walked a mile (or even a foot) in your shoes.

I commend you for being honest. I also want to say that genes are weird. My husband and I are both university professors at a top school (not in DC) and we know many professor couples with kids. Many of these professors are world famous, up for the nobel prize, graduated top of their class at MIT, Harvard, etc.

Some of these professors have really bright kids. But a surprising number do not. They go to average schools, take non academic jobs. One I can think of , of two of the most successful people out there, skipped college and went into the military.

You could say it's because these people were too busy to parent their children. Occasionally that might be a contributing factor. But honestly, genes are weird. What I am trying to say OP is that you are not alone.

When we had our first child, I tried to think that my goal was to have a child that was comfortable in his own skin and a good person. But even so, when I first saw my son, he had a certain look in his eye, and I confess a tiny part of me was relieved -- I realized he was "one of us." -- ie intellectual. Not sure how I knew, but I did. And to the extent I can tell -- he is still a preschooler, I am right. Loves books, math, very focused, etc. Things may still go differently, but right now they do not.

I think it is only natural not necessarily to have a narrow view of success for your child, but to want a child you can relate to and parent naturally. So I understand the difficulty in having that not be the case. And I don't fault you, at all.

I hope that by being honest here (and thinking about this issue) you can think about how to relate to your son as you said. Maybe you can find an activity you enjoy together. If you can phrase it in this way, and hope that your son will be the best that he can offer to this world, you will be a fabulous, and I'd like to think proud parent.

We are set to have another child and I am gearing up for this all over again. OP, I hope I can be honest as you are and use that to be a good parent. My best to you.