Anonymous wrote:I am so jealous of my best friend. Her in-laws are awesome. They help out and and are laid back and fun. They take the grand kids and my friend and her husband go on fancy vacations as a couple. Her MIL is generous and loves her DIL.

I got crap.

I am going to warn my kids before they get married. Watch out what type of family you marry into.

I see a lot of this too. Fortunately of rue, we do NOT marry our IL's. If my MIL wasn't so cold and abusive, DH would not be so awesome, so there is that.

I don't need to be best friends with MIL, but her begin warm and welcoming and not wanting everything her way would be a start.

Those who don't get along have a burdensome experience they need to discuss and process so you're more likely to hear from people who have trouble with their ILs than those who don't. I think it's pretty common but not necessarily more common than having trouble with your own family. How many of us can say we've got no beef with our parents or siblings?

To your more specific question, I think you owe it your husband to be kind and welcoming to your MIL but that doesn't mean having no boundaries with the woman. If she says something insulting, you can and should respond honestly - let her know you're surprised she feels the need to say that and you're disappointed. You don't have to walk on eggshells around her just because she's an IL. If your mom said something rude to you, what would you say?

Anonymous wrote:Less you expect from your MIL-happier you will be.I used to get mad at my MIL for every silly reason,now I pretty much know what to expect .Half I don't listen,half I laugh at.

Agreed. A gf told me this nugget and it's helped a lot: "I presume my mil will be unreasonable. She usually meets my expectations."

Less you expect from your MIL-happier you will be.I used to get mad at my MIL for every silly reason,now I pretty much know what to expect .Half I don't listen,half I laugh at.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo glad I have a daughter!

There's no guarantee she'll stay "faithful" to you.

Nothing in life is certain.

deal

Pray she doesn't marry an abusive man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, my MIL is mentally ill (diagnosed, medicated when she deigns to take her meds) and an alcoholic. She expects me to continue all the denial and walking on eggshells behavior around her that her kids do because they grew up in a household with a mentally ill alcoholic. It is incredibly important to me not to teach my own children that pattern of living and relating, so I stick up for myself and don't tolerate her BS. Which makes me the bad guy rocking the boat. Oh well.

We must have the same MIL.

Same here. I'm the pp who was called a bitch b/c i called my MIL on her bs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I read that DILs want an understanding and compassionate MIL, it makes me think that one problem may be expecting too much from the relationship. Maybe a relationship that's more formal is better. Or at least understand that if the MIL isn't warm and touchy-feely it isn't emotional neglect but may be respect for boundaries. I don't think I'd want/or expect my MIL to act like my friend or act like she is a mother to me.

Thanks for this post. Oh how I wish my mil would stop trying to turn our relationship into a touchy feely mother daughter relationship. I dont have a touchy feely emotional relationship with my own mother and i really feel uncomfortable relating any differently to mil. I just want a formal relationship that respects boundaries. Im not her daughter, I don't want to call her mom. Why is a distant but respectful mil dil relationship such a bad thing?

I'll probably have a DIL who wants a highly emotional, close relationship with me ad will be totally put off by my distancing...karma will get me

My MIL seems to want this and I don't. I have a mother to whom I am very close, I am super introverted and don't open up easily to people. My MIL does not have a very good relationship with her own daughter, so I think MIL is trying to fill that void with me. But I am not interested. Our personalities are not a good fit, she really is just too pushy. I am nice to her, allow her plenty of time with her son and my kids but I think our relationship would be much better if she backed off (she wants us to be BFF girlfriends, asks me about my birth control, if my childhood was troubled, it wasn't,etc)

My MIL is smug and snarky. She thinks she is a riot. Only when she is putting others/anything down, of course. No one else seems to think she is funny, but she has not in all her years caught on. I guess most people would call her a bully. It is kind of sad that her life has come to this. MIL will be remembered for the bitter person she is.

OP asked if it is typical for MIL and DILs to not get along. IMHO, if the MIL is of sound mind and has had a happy life, it is quite easy for them to get along!

OTOH, there are MILs that have simply had a crappy life; and when the young, successful, happy, peppy DIL comes into the picture - I suppose this only exacerbates MILs misery. Miserable MILs, in that case, see a target.

I do know some friends that have nice, secure MILs, though, and it is really nice to have. Those MILs don't associate with the old hag MILs, understandably.