Seriously regret not considering family more. MIL causes huge problems for us and stresses both of us to the point that DH wants to move to another state since they're local.

PP here. I have to add - I do NOT agree that "love is blind" or that potential partners "see what they want to see". That is BS. If someone is not honest with you, and their family is closed and cold, it is not always obvious that they are hiding something - or many things. Even though in retrospect, it should be obvious - how is anyone to know?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I totally disagree with this. My sister and I are extremely different people, and yet we came from the same family. We also have different levels of interaction with our family. I don't think you should ever hold it against someone what his or her family is like.

I'm the PP you quoted and I don't disagree with you - but I also don't think anything I said is really in conflict with what you've said. I don't hold a bad FOO against a partner necessarily, nor does a good FOO mean your partner will be great. However, people who grow up (and I include myself in this group, BTW) in a "broken dynamic" tend to learn that brokenness as "normal" and often repeat the patterns to a greater or lesser degree. Some of us (I also like to think of myself as part of this group) recognize and seek to overcome or break the pattern - maybe we're "resilient" or whatever. There is no absolute destiny in what I was saying - just an observation that one should be mindful and watchful going in. FWIW, I have a sister who is trapped in the bad dynamic and while I am periodically horrified to note the similarities between us, we really are very different people.

I 1000% agree with your assertion that it's a partnership - you leave your old primary family and make a new primary family - you cleave to your spouse in biblical parlance (I'm not religious, but it's a tidbit of wisdom that nails it). I think spouses have a duty to "run interference" with their respective families as well - you never let your family bully your spouse, you get in between them, and present a unified front.

NP here. I agree completely. If you did not come from a "broken dynamic" family, be grateful. If you "own your sh*t", that is the best gift of all for your spouse, no matter who you are.

I didn't think about it much because his family isn't local, and we see them just 1-3 times a year. Their not being local is actually the biggest problem I have with regard to them; traveling to see them is a huge pain in the butt, and it is not much easier when they decide to come see us. And I love them and like them! It would be so much worse if I didn't. (But I don't think I would have married someone whose family I disliked.)

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

Ditto. Had I known, there's no way I would have married him or had kids with him.

I wish I thought about it more. Regret it a lot during the holidays when I have to deal with them. Sad that we'll never have nice, normal, fun holidays together.

New Poster here: my DH and I both came from very dysfunctional families, so we waited a long, long time to get married (maybe too long) because we did think that our family relationships -- to us and each other -- would worsen. They did in fact get worse, and raising kids while keeping a healthy distance from both toxic families has been a challenge.

However, ILs can only cause so much hurt to a solid relationship. Every once in a while -- especially at this time of year -- the couple has to give the ILs a good solid push back. This is especially true of unhappily single siblings who hold on to childish sibling rivalries and parents who favored those now grown dysfunctional adult children.

My point is that couples who walk into this situation with eyes wide open face a lifetime together of pushing back passive aggressive parents and siblings, but since we have to do that anyway, that's no reason not to marry.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from a DW who sometimes feels like she's been married forever! (ILs often make you that way at Chrismas.)

Anonymous wrote:
I totally disagree with this. My sister and I are extremely different people, and yet we came from the same family. We also have different levels of interaction with our family. I don't think you should ever hold it against someone what his or her family is like.

I'm the PP you quoted and I don't disagree with you - but I also don't think anything I said is really in conflict with what you've said. I don't hold a bad FOO against a partner necessarily, nor does a good FOO mean your partner will be great. However, people who grow up (and I include myself in this group, BTW) in a "broken dynamic" tend to learn that brokenness as "normal" and often repeat the patterns to a greater or lesser degree. Some of us (I also like to think of myself as part of this group) recognize and seek to overcome or break the pattern - maybe we're "resilient" or whatever. There is no absolute destiny in what I was saying - just an observation that one should be mindful and watchful going in. FWIW, I have a sister who is trapped in the bad dynamic and while I am periodically horrified to note the similarities between us, we really are very different people.

I 1000% agree with your assertion that it's a partnership - you leave your old primary family and make a new primary family - you cleave to your spouse in biblical parlance (I'm not religious, but it's a tidbit of wisdom that nails it). I think spouses have a duty to "run interference" with their respective families as well - you never let your family bully your spouse, you get in between them, and present a unified front.

Anonymous wrote:Didn't think about that at all. Thought DH was so different than them, and it didn't matter that they were crazy, cold, terrible with finances, narcissistic, completely different values than me. Big mistake. You are very influenced by your family growing up, like it or not. And now that I have kids, I have to think about their interactions with and influences on my kids, and on the other hand what distancing us from them means to my kids. I don't care about me, but my kids deserve loving, caring grandparents and I feel like I really should have thought about this more.

I could have written this but at almost 40 XDH redefined his family of origin as warm, loving and caring, had an affair with someone just like his family and walked out on us. Then he launched custody fight from he'll, 50-50 wasn't enough for him even though gf Doesn't like the kids. It's so weird, this is someone who wanted the kids in Waldorf school, no tv and wooden toys, now it's all Barbies and tweeny shows for early elementary kids. Not sure if he changed or was pretending to be someone else or what. His whole life years after leaving seems to be about me sucking and his family being great. This was after a decade or so of little contact on his part. He moved out a few years ago but is almost obsessed with cutting me out, replacing all of the kids' stuff so they don't have clothes that go back and forth, etc. He seems to resent them and it's tv or be ing yelled at they say, just like his childhood. Anyone ever heard of anything like this? I really want to just move on but he is constantly undermining the kids and I don't have funds to keep going to court when it accomplishes nothing. I thought that he was different than them but in the end he is worse and still chasing after their approval.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+1. I didn't think about them at all. Knew he had parents but somehow they didn't matter. If I was reliving my life again I would be looking much more closely at the family

I'm on my second marriage. I got very lucky the first time and had pretty decent in-laws...the dynamic between them and my wife was not great, but not toxic either and they were OK with me. So, like those who didn't check, I just went blissfully along, unaware.

After my divorce, I got involved with and very nearly married someone whose family was horrible (toxic people/dynamic). So glad they are in the rear-view mirror; yes, they greatly contributed to the decline of the relationship. After that, yes, I pay very close attention - you don't just marry the person, you marry the family. And if you look at your future spouse in the context of their family you might see things that weren't obvious at first. I paid close attention to this in some other later relationships and it was a reliable 'tell'. Old school advice: Women are told "look at how he treats his mother" and for men, check to see if she has a good relationship with her father; this advice isn't pulled out of thin air. Just seeing how your spouse relates to their family will tell you a lot about what your family life will be like - so yes, if your spouse is awesome despite their crazy family and they manage them well, then that also tells you something about your spouse (how much more awesome they are than you first realized).

I did just remarry and I love my new in laws. I got totally lucky, though it's not surprising my awesome wife comes from an awesome family.

I totally disagree with this. My sister and I are extremely different people, and yet we came from the same family. We also have different levels of interaction with our family. I don't think you should ever hold it against someone what his or her family is like.

The most important thing is that you are clear with a person when you get married about what your expectations are with regard to your level of involvement with your own family as well as with in laws. And you also make clear what the priority is or to whom you are most obligated. By that I mean, does your potential spouse see you both as a team/partnership and hold that as the highest obligation? Or does he view you as merging into his family, whereby you are the one who adjusts and not his family?

It was really important to me before getting married to establish that getting married means we are the most important family members to each other, that there should never be an issue about that, that we are starting our family and not merging into my family or his family.

I've seen a lot of instances where in laws have come between couples. But in most of those scenarios, there were no red flags that the in laws would be a problem. They seemed normal. The problem in most of those unhappy scenarios is from the get-go, it seemed both people in the marriage were not on the same page about boundaries and priorities.

And this isn't just an issue with in laws. I've seen married couples where one spouse still kind of ranks his best friend above his wife. "Ranks" is probably too harsh a word, but my point is in his mind, his best friend still is his main confidante. It poses problems because the wife assumed when they got married, she would become his main confidante, the one with whom he makes big decisions.

The happiest marriages I see are the ones where both spouses see their marriage as a partnership and they answer to each other first and to other family members second.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+1. I didn't think about them at all. Knew he had parents but somehow they didn't matter. If I was reliving my life again I would be looking much more closely at the family

I'm on my second marriage. I got very lucky the first time and had pretty decent in-laws...the dynamic between them and my wife was not great, but not toxic either and they were OK with me. So, like those who didn't check, I just went blissfully along, unaware.

After my divorce, I got involved with and very nearly married someone whose family was horrible (toxic people/dynamic). So glad they are in the rear-view mirror; yes, they greatly contributed to the decline of the relationship. After that, yes, I pay very close attention - you don't just marry the person, you marry the family. And if you look at your future spouse in the context of their family you might see things that weren't obvious at first. I paid close attention to this in some other later relationships and it was a reliable 'tell'. Old school advice: Women are told "look at how he treats his mother" and for men, check to see if she has a good relationship with her father; this advice isn't pulled out of thin air. Just seeing how your spouse relates to their family will tell you a lot about what your family life will be like - so yes, if your spouse is awesome despite their crazy family and they manage them well, then that also tells you something about your spouse (how much more awesome they are than you first realized).

I did just remarry and I love my new in laws. I got totally lucky, though it's not surprising my awesome wife comes from an awesome family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+2

+1,000

Same

Agree.

Me too. Also a lot of their family issues/history were kept from me until we had been married for some time. Things like depression, suicide, Physical/emotional, and drug and alcohol abuse. Had I known all of this before the marriage it would have shed light on some of DH's behaviors that didn't seem like such a big deal, but now are becoming problematic. Had I known the history, more red flags would've been raised early on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+2

+1,000

Same

Agree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+10,000

Totally agree! My in laws have really been a huge source of frustration for us and that's all we discuss in our $200 an hour marital therapy appointments.

Oh my goodness. This thread is making me sad. I love, love, love my in-laws. My MIL is a role model for me in many ways--she is sharp, loving but not at all overbearing, fun, and very, very funny. My BILs and SILs are all good people, too, and one SIL is now a close friend.

I probably would have married DH anyway but honestly, his family was a huge selling point.