Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

At this point, there's probably not much I can do about the relationship with my own mother but quite frankly, I'm terrified that I'll end up having the same issues with my daughter.

Children learn what they live. You need to model closeness with your mom if you want closeness with your daughter. Make an effort to change your relationship with your mother and your daughter will see this behavior as the norm.

Oh, what a load of shit. My mom was a neglectful, mean, manipulative person and we're not close at all. There is a reason we are not close! When my children grow, I hope we will always remain close because of the bond we forged with them, because I paid attention to them and spent time with them and showed my love and care every single day in a way that my mother did not bother to do.

Well said. My otherwise-wonderful inlaws assume my children, too, might cut me out when they're adults, since I did the same to my mother. I reply, nicely, that I'd deserve it if I treated them the way my mother treated me, both as a child and as an adult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother makes my skin crawl. I try my best to hide it, but I can't stand to be around her.

Same here. I feel physically ill when I see her name on the caller ID.

Same, and this is why I cut her off years ago. I feel better than I have in ages.

I responded earlier that my mom and I just can't get along. I spoke to her last week, mentioned I lost weight and was having a hard time finding things to fit my shape. I told her we were basically the same shape and asked her which brands she wears. Her response? "We're not the same shape. My thighs were never as big as yours."

There's nothing I could say that would cause her to be happy for me. She's just not capable of it. On the other hand, bitching about my thighs means she isn't focusing on telling me that having a child ruined my life. My child was planned and didn't ruin anything, she's just a hateful bitch.

Anonymous wrote:Not being close to mom is just sad and I think it must hurt a lot, I would try working the issues out in therapy! Love, love, love my mom, neither of us is perfect, we fight, we make up, we know that there's so much love and care for each other! Expecting my first baby, hope to be a very affectioned mother to my little one!

Fuck you and your simple minded answer. Therapy for me isn't going to make my mom less mean or crazy, you smug bitch.

Nope. My mom and I have very different personalities and that's part of it. She can be very needy, demanding, and impatient bordering on rude. She has also been less than kind to my DH over the years.

Additionally, she was emotionally and physically abusive to me as a kid. She entered rehab and has certainly recognized her behavior and atoned for it - I don't hold a grudge. But it undermined my sense of closeness to her at a pretty early age. I certainly don't confide in her or think of her as my friend / buddy.

The flip side is that she is very sweet with my daughter who loves her "gramma" dearly. So that is a nice silver lining.

Anonymous wrote:It is much easier to be friends with you birth mom than your mom. She didnt have the hard job of raising you, placing limits on your behavior as a child, telling you "no", dealing with adolescents and norms as a teenager, etc.--doing all the stuff a mom does.

No, sorry, nice try. I'm a parent myself and I know about setting boundaries and all the other things that come with it. My adoptive mother was/is legitimately batshit crazy.

It is much easier to be friends with you birth mom than your mom. She didnt have the hard job of raising you, placing limits on your behavior as a child, telling you "no", dealing with adolescents and norms as a teenager, etc.--doing all the stuff a mom does.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother makes my skin crawl. I try my best to hide it, but I can't stand to be around her.

Same here. I feel physically ill when I see her name on the caller ID.

Me too! Ironically I get along great with my firstmom and she really is one of my best friends.

What is a firstmom?

Another term for birthmom. I was adopted out as a newborn.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is my best friend, my guide and mentor. She is an exceptional human being who encompasses every one with love and understanding. A rock in any crisis and a very intelligent person. Very empathic. She has a close relationship with my kids and all her grand kids. And they love her in return. My teenager misses her so much that she will start becoming weepy when she talks to her. My mom (who lives in another country) knows all relevant details of her life as well. And my husband adores, respects and love her.

^This + (except for the weepy teenager ...and I thank my lucky stars every day

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother makes my skin crawl. I try my best to hide it, but I can't stand to be around her.

Same here. I feel physically ill when I see her name on the caller ID.

Me too! Ironically I get along great with my firstmom and she really is one of my best friends.

What is a firstmom?

My mom is my best friend, my guide and mentor. She is an exceptional human being who encompasses every one with love and understanding. A rock in any crisis and a very intelligent person. Very empathic. She has a close relationship with my kids and all her grand kids. And they love her in return. My teenager misses her so much that she will start becoming weepy when she talks to her. My mom (who lives in another country) knows all relevant details of her life as well. And my husband adores, respects and love her.

best friends, actually!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother makes my skin crawl. I try my best to hide it, but I can't stand to be around her.

Same here. I feel physically ill when I see her name on the caller ID.

Me too! Ironically I get along great with my firstmom and she really is one of my best friends.

Not being close to mom is just sad and I think it must hurt a lot, I would try working the issues out in therapy! Love, love, love my mom, neither of us is perfect, we fight, we make up, we know that there's so much love and care for each other! Expecting my first baby, hope to be a very affectioned mother to my little one!

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't imagine not being close to my mom! I talk to her everyday! I hope my daughter and I have this kind of relationship when she is older!

I agree! I think you and your DD probably will because that's what you have modeled for her. I am very close to my grandma (grandparents), because I saw and talked with them at least weekly as a child and I continued to as an adult. My DD also is very close to my grandparents and parents as a result of seeing them regularly. On the other hand, my mom has one sister who was always adversarial towards my grandma and brought her kids around mostly on holidays. As adults, they continue to do the same with our grandparents AND my cousin (aunt's DD) has an adversarial relationship with her mom as well.

I asked my mom about why her sister's family isn't as close to our grandparents, who love them, and she pointed this out. She said that we're very close to them today as adults because we don't know any different. I have to agree. I have a DD now and I have a feeling she will end up as one of my best friends later in life.