Anonymous
09/09/2013 15:26
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Can your child have a second middle name, just informally? Not the same thing at all, but sometimes people can be mollified. Granted, she is behaving abominably but there may be other reasons and it may require some Tai Chi solution like that. You could make an embroidered pillow with the four names and that might be something to show you care about her wishes. Years from now maybe you all can laugh about the kerfuffle (if she recovers her senses.)
I had a couple of close calls with what my kids would call my grandparents. I wanted them to call my mom 'Grandma' and my MIL 'Nana' so they would be clearly differentiated for the little kids. My mom already had been "Gramma" to a passel of kids. But for my MIL, my child was her first grandchild and she wanted to be Grandma or "Gramma" in the worst way. Thankfully my mom agreed they would be "Nana and Granddad" to my kids, despite being Gramma to 9 others. It was all a tempest in a teapot and I'm sheepish. Years later, yes---we laugh about it. Like when my mom calls the kids and says "It's Gramma!" and the kids correct her: "You mean, Nana?"
I had a couple of close calls with what my kids would call my grandparents. I wanted them to call my mom 'Grandma' and my MIL 'Nana' so they would be clearly differentiated for the little kids. My mom already had been "Gramma" to a passel of kids. But for my MIL, my child was her first grandchild and she wanted to be Grandma or "Gramma" in the worst way. Thankfully my mom agreed they would be "Nana and Granddad" to my kids, despite being Gramma to 9 others. It was all a tempest in a teapot and I'm sheepish. Years later, yes---we laugh about it. Like when my mom calls the kids and says "It's Gramma!" and the kids correct her: "You mean, Nana?"
Anonymous
09/09/2013 15:10
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:OP here:
First off, I'm not letting DH take the blame for this, I didn't mean my post to make it look that way. I've told her the name was my idea and to leave DH out of it. I've done nothing but defend him. She has chosen not to believe me and continues to blame DH.
@ 11:00: my medical condition is not a serious one, it just makes it difficult to get pregnant. She knows this.
@10:59: that's awful! I'm sorry your ILs chose to not be involved over a name choice.
@10:57: I realize that I made a mistake telling my parents the name. But I really don't think I need to be told to "calm down." My dad told me that for the past week my mom has basically done nothing but scream at him about it and then sulk in a room by herself and said crazy shit about my DH and how she doesn't want to be around my DC. It's kind of hard not to be upset. *shrug*
@10:56: my hope is that when she tells her family that I'm not using the name, they'll act like it's not a big deal and then she'll get over it. Right now she is too upset to tell anyone.
Say:
"Mom, I'm sorry you feel this way. It was my decision, not my husband's, but if you choose not to be around him, you choose not to be around me and your grandchild".
Let her absorb the enormity of that.
Anonymous
09/09/2013 11:09
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if she has dementia. A normal person does not act that way over something so trivial. Would she really limit her own access to her grandchild because of something so stupid?
See if you can get your dad to take her to a therapist. Seriously.
OP here. I don't think it's dementia. She's always been into emotional blackmail. She has a lot of the traits of the 'engulfing mother' on the daughters of narcissistic mothers website. She remembers things in a manner that suits her and then tells everyone else that they're wrong if they try to tell her what really happened, she's done this for as long as I can remember. If I disagree with her, she can't imagine that I would do so out of free will and blames external sources (friends, the media, especially DH).
But, I totally agree that she needs therapy and/or medication. I've suggested it in the past but she doesn't think there is anything wrong. My dad has a hard time standing up to her, unfortunately.
I think in the end she will want to be around DC and try to act like a civil human being, but I don't think things will ever be the same between us. She'll always hold a grudge over the name and probably make remarks about it for the rest of her life. She'll probably always cause drama w/ DH's family. And, I'll always remember how she acted right before DC was born.
Having a baby is supposed to be an exciting, happy time. Instead, I'm just sad, disappointed, and above all angry. I'm trying not to let her ruin the experience for me but it's very hard.
I'm really sorry OP. But do remember that if it weren't about the name, it seems like your mom would find something else to be permanently angry about.
And I agree it's a really stressful time.
One thing that happened to DH And I after our first child was born was that we became each others' primary family in a way that hadn't been true before. You and DH sound united on this one so maybe this is a chance for you to make this transition a bit. That way this isn't as much of a loss as a change.
I also suggest that while you probably recognize your mother will not get therapy, you can get therapy to figure out how to deal with her and be strong. You don't "need" it but it might help you.
Oh, and congratulations on your upcoming birth! This is a very happy time. I hope you can enjoy it -- don't let your mom make this about her emotional shenanigans.
Anonymous
09/09/2013 11:03
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if she has dementia. A normal person does not act that way over something so trivial. Would she really limit her own access to her grandchild because of something so stupid?
See if you can get your dad to take her to a therapist. Seriously.
OP here. I don't think it's dementia. She's always been into emotional blackmail. She has a lot of the traits of the 'engulfing mother' on the daughters of narcissistic mothers website. She remembers things in a manner that suits her and then tells everyone else that they're wrong if they try to tell her what really happened, she's done this for as long as I can remember. If I disagree with her, she can't imagine that I would do so out of free will and blames external sources (friends, the media, especially DH).
But, I totally agree that she needs therapy and/or medication. I've suggested it in the past but she doesn't think there is anything wrong. My dad has a hard time standing up to her, unfortunately.
I think in the end she will want to be around DC and try to act like a civil human being, but I don't think things will ever be the same between us. She'll always hold a grudge over the name and probably make remarks about it for the rest of her life. She'll probably always cause drama w/ DH's family. And, I'll always remember how she acted right before DC was born.
Having a baby is supposed to be an exciting, happy time. Instead, I'm just sad, disappointed, and above all angry. I'm trying not to let her ruin the experience for me but it's very hard.
Anonymous
09/09/2013 10:03
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
I'm wondering if she has dementia. A normal person does not act that way over something so trivial. Would she really limit her own access to her grandchild because of something so stupid?
See if you can get your dad to take her to a therapist. Seriously.
See if you can get your dad to take her to a therapist. Seriously.
Anonymous
09/08/2013 13:45
Subject: Re:Mother extremely angry over DC's name
It's your child, your choice. END OF STORY.
Tell Grandma to stop being an ugly witch and choose a nickname SHE can use to call the baby.
Tell Grandma to stop being an ugly witch and choose a nickname SHE can use to call the baby.
Anonymous
09/08/2013 13:34
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
If you cave in to her on this, there will be no end to her threats about how to raise your kids.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 22:35
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Do not try to call her and patch things up, if she contacts you again politely tell her your daughters name is not up for discussion. If she goes on about missing the birth / refusing to come calmly tell her your sorry she feels the need to miss this important time in your life.
The honest truth is she's mentally ill and you can not change her behavior by choosing another name, excluding your MIL from also being at the hospital and so on. If it wasn't these issues it would be something else. It sounds like you have surrounded yourself with a good support system (DH,MIL, Father) contine to press on and enjoy the birth of your daughter surrounded by these people.
The honest truth is she's mentally ill and you can not change her behavior by choosing another name, excluding your MIL from also being at the hospital and so on. If it wasn't these issues it would be something else. It sounds like you have surrounded yourself with a good support system (DH,MIL, Father) contine to press on and enjoy the birth of your daughter surrounded by these people.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 22:20
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
OP, I'm sorry your mom is acting this way. No one should ever need to deal with this, but right before you deliver? Oy.
Her episode, however, does have a silver lining. You've now seen how she will behave when you do anything with this child the she doesn't "approve" of. She will bully and threaten and try to divide you and your DH over the issue. You've been warned and can be prepared.
Your DC is the ticket to making this work. If your wants to see her grandchild, she WILL behave. Make it clear to her. State as much and then follow through. She cannot come over to see your child unless she behaves. Behaving also means being nice to your DH. This isn't mean, it's not unfair. Your mom will tell you it's both of those. It's your child and you get to decide what type of behavior he/she is exposed to.
You sound like you are dealing with this remarkably well, I hope you can lay the ground rules early to salvage and repair your relationship with your mom.
Her episode, however, does have a silver lining. You've now seen how she will behave when you do anything with this child the she doesn't "approve" of. She will bully and threaten and try to divide you and your DH over the issue. You've been warned and can be prepared.
Your DC is the ticket to making this work. If your wants to see her grandchild, she WILL behave. Make it clear to her. State as much and then follow through. She cannot come over to see your child unless she behaves. Behaving also means being nice to your DH. This isn't mean, it's not unfair. Your mom will tell you it's both of those. It's your child and you get to decide what type of behavior he/she is exposed to.
You sound like you are dealing with this remarkably well, I hope you can lay the ground rules early to salvage and repair your relationship with your mom.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 17:41
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:out of curiosity do you have this middle name? Does your first child have this first name. Your Mom is totally out of line, but that might help to understand. Will this 2nd dc be the only child on that side of the family without this middle name?
Pp here I mean does your 1st child have this middle name
OP here. DC is my first child. There are other girls in the family who don't have it, but they're related to dads by blood, not moms. I'm pretty sure all women who have daughters have used the name but me. According to my mom, the men don't have to do it because they "don't count." I have no idea why she thinks this way.
Anonymous
09/06/2013 21:26
Subject: Re:Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:I don't know if your mother's threats are just venting but if you have a good relationship with your mother, why jeopardize it for some relatively insignificant reason. Those advising you to stick to your guns on this issue are not the ones who have to live with the consequences.
JMHO
No, we are the ones who have BTDT with our own narcissistic mothers/MILs. "Why jeopardize the relationship for some relatively insignificant reason" is pretty textbook, though, nice try.
Anonymous
09/06/2013 20:33
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Op, did not have time to read whole thread, but I feel for you. This reminds me of how my parents reacted when they learned how my dh and I were planning our wedding ceremony. We had largely deferred to them on things like invitations and catering. But when it came to our vows/ceremony we planned things and to my surprise they were *very upset* when they learned what we intended to do. I just couldn't believe they (1) cared so much (2) felt they had a right to input on something so personal (3) had lost sight of the main thing which was that I was marrying a great guy and loved him.
I think PPs are right that it may be your mom's anxiety being expressed in this awful way. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I hope you can forgive her and that she will come around..
I think PPs are right that it may be your mom's anxiety being expressed in this awful way. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I hope you can forgive her and that she will come around..
Anonymous
09/03/2013 17:55
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:Does your mother realize she is shooting herself in the foot? She is cutting off her nose to spite her face? And all the other cliches about people who act childish and irrational? She is the one who will lose out on a relationship with her granddaughter. Everyone else, including your DHs mother, will get to know this innocent sweet child as your mother stews by herself at home. This is what you should point out to her in black and white. Good luck. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Perhaps she has bullied OP multiple times and this is her way to get it done.
OP, as you just wrote a few posts above, it's time to move on and focus on your own family.
Anonymous
09/03/2013 17:51
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
OP, don't let yourself be bullied by this type of behavior. Your mom clearly has some displaced anger toward your DH and is using this as an opportunity to vent.
Don't feed the cycle.
There will be many times as a new patent when you'll have to stand your ground with decisions that you and your husband have made. There'll be many times when you'll have to set and keep boundaries.
We teach people how to treat us.
Start now by making it clear that while you appreciate she's angry, you as parents have made a choice. Further, make it clear that if she wants to have a relationship with you she needs to treat your child and DH with kindness. Say this calmly and firmly. Say this calmly and firmly.
Then be a woman of your word and stand by your new family.
For what it's worth, my MIL pulled this crap over our wedding choices. Deep down though it was really about DH marrying a woman from a different culture. We stuck to our guns. She sulked for years. But at the end of the day our marriage was better for not having allowed her to bully us with her tempertantrum.
Don't feed the cycle.
There will be many times as a new patent when you'll have to stand your ground with decisions that you and your husband have made. There'll be many times when you'll have to set and keep boundaries.
We teach people how to treat us.
Start now by making it clear that while you appreciate she's angry, you as parents have made a choice. Further, make it clear that if she wants to have a relationship with you she needs to treat your child and DH with kindness. Say this calmly and firmly. Say this calmly and firmly.
Then be a woman of your word and stand by your new family.
For what it's worth, my MIL pulled this crap over our wedding choices. Deep down though it was really about DH marrying a woman from a different culture. We stuck to our guns. She sulked for years. But at the end of the day our marriage was better for not having allowed her to bully us with her tempertantrum.
Anonymous
09/03/2013 10:47
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:out of curiosity do you have this middle name? Does your first child have this first name. Your Mom is totally out of line, but that might help to understand. Will this 2nd dc be the only child on that side of the family without this middle name?
Pp here I mean does your 1st child have this middle name