OP, please get out of this relationship. It will hurt at first, but you deserve better than this. He's using you.

Anonymous wrote:I have an uncle who sounds a lot like your "fiancé", OP. He is not a good guy. He is REALLY good at pretending he loves and cares about a woman, and REALLY good at manipulating her into essentially supporting him, and REALLY good at claiming that all problems or sources of discord are the fault of the woman, not him.

Examples:
If you want me to pay my fair share, you only want me for my money.

If you want me to perform an equal amount of work to maintain our shared home, you're using me to make your life easier.

If you want me to be clear about and commit to my plans regarding our relationship, you're forcing me and only care about your own needs.

Sound familiar? He takes all of his own character failures and pretends that the woman is the real issue. She's not. It's him. I've seen this play out time and time again with his different "long term girlfriends" over the years. Same story, different woman, same result at the end - she ends up screwed over and screwed up, and he walks away unscathed (often financially enriched) and moves on to the next woman.

OP, have enough respect for yourself to recognize that he is not treating you like a true partner. Your children deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. Find yourself a path out of this relationship as soon as possible. Give yourself the space to find a TRUE partner.

Sadly, I think I dated your uncle, or at least someone like him... I am begging you OP to really think about what all these posters have said to you, so rarely is there such a consensus on DCUM.

I have been in a similar relationship and I know how it feels scary to think about ending (it is called co-dependency, and you have been living with less for far too long you don't even realize) This man has stated that your children are not his... how can you marry a man who doesn't see you as his family? you may except less for yourself but what about your children? If your children are just financial burdens to him, then what happens when you marry, and god forbid something happen to you? Do you think he will care for them all of a sudden? How could you put them at risk for this man? I am not trying to bully you, because I think this man has already done enough work on you... you need to step outside and see it for what it is, be brave OP and I promise you won't regret it... Sometimes the hardest thing you have to do, is the thing you have to do most

OP, you can get by without his help. You are strong. You've shown it already by holding your life together financially as long as you have. He does not contribute enough that you couldn't replace its loss with a little resourcefulness. You could take in a roommate. You could do a little extra work on the side that you could do from home, in the evenings. You could cut back on expenses a little.

If you value his companionship, have him move out and then remain friends or even lovers. You can get what you need from him without him living with you and taking advantage of your generosity.

I'm remembering when I was engaged, and my then-fiance/now-husband wanted to pay off my credit card balance, which was super high, like $5,000. I said no way, what are you talking about? He said, and I'll never forget it, "who cares, we're getting married, it's all going to be ours anyway, debt, income, all of it. I hate debt, let's just get rid of it and start clean." He did, and we've been supporting each other financially ever since. He lost his job, I stepped up. We moved, so I lost my job, he stepped up. We're both working and feel good right now, knowing that anything can happen so we feel lucky. OP, this just isn't normal. The highs and lows should be shared, not negotiated so that one party only shares in the highs and punts the lows.

Anonymous wrote:I have an uncle who sounds a lot like your "fiancé", OP. He is not a good guy. He is REALLY good at pretending he loves and cares about a woman, and REALLY good at manipulating her into essentially supporting him, and REALLY good at claiming that all problems or sources of discord are the fault of the woman, not him.

Examples:
If you want me to pay my fair share, you only want me for my money.

If you want me to perform an equal amount of work to maintain our shared home, you're using me to make your life easier.

If you want me to be clear about and commit to my plans regarding our relationship, you're forcing me and only care about your own needs.

Sound familiar? He takes all of his own character failures and pretends that the woman is the real issue. She's not. It's him. I've seen this play out time and time again with his different "long term girlfriends" over the years. Same story, different woman, same result at the end - she ends up screwed over and screwed up, and he walks away unscathed (often financially enriched) and moves on to the next woman.

OP, have enough respect for yourself to recognize that he is not treating you like a true partner. Your children deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. Find yourself a path out of this relationship as soon as possible. Give yourself the space to find a TRUE partner.

Great advice.

I think in a cohabiting relationship household bills should be split proportional to income, not 50/50. So if Partner A makes 70% of the HH income, they should pay 70% of the mortgage, etc. But in a marriage everything is combined anyway, so isn't it a moot point?

I think you could look at the childcare expenses as seperate from this, though-- those should be split between OP and the father. It would certainly be the good and decent thing for OP's fiance to support his future stepkids, but I wouldn't say it's strictly an obligation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post has made me very upset. I'm literally sitting at my desk at work crying. I'm upset with you and upset with him. You deserve better than this OP.

Me too

I think puking is more appropriate than crying after reading OP's responses.

OP, what you need is a good therapist. I bet all of your friends and family and your children would agree with what everyone is telling you here, but they're afraid to be frank with you about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has to be fake. I never call fake and actually get really pissed off by the overuse of the word "troll" on dcum, but people like this can't possibly exist. If it is true and you really are this delusional, get rid of him now now now now. Get rid of him yesterday. Can't possibly stress how fast you should run.

This is really happening to me this very day. I am with him because I love him and enjoy spending time with him and we have similar interests and make each other laugh. My parents are still together, I don't know anyone divorced, I don't know what is fair and believed that the amount he is contributing (chores and financially) is more than it would be without him. So my alternative is lose what is being contributed and someone I love all in the same day.

Yes. Because of everything you have said. Here, I will quote you:

"he is not there to support me and kids that are not his"

Spouses are, in fact, there to support each other and any associated children.

"he does not ever want to split his stuff he worked for with anyone"

Does he not believe in marital property? He clearly expects you to split your stuff you've worked for with him.

"... [re helping you out when you are in a jam, as you did for him] if he did it once then it would be expected"

It SHOULD be expected, because spouses are, in fact, there to support each other.

"It was absurd of me to ask to be beneficiary just in case something happened, he will leave it to his niece"

The man who has asked you to be his wife will not bequeath you anything.

"he was reluctant, my diamond is fake because I wanted to show that I am not about the money, there is no date"

He is not committed to marrying you.

Look, OP, it is rare on this forum that there is such universal agreement in a relationship question. This man is USING YOU. You are LETTING HIM.

For the sake of argument, imagine that this is a conversation you are having with your daughter, and that she is in a relationship with a man who behaves this way. Imagine that it was your sister. Then think about what you would say to them. I would be ashamed to think of the example I was setting for my daughter, if I tolerated what you are tolerating. A man who is committed to you would be jumping to help out. He would be grateful for the help you provided. He would want to do nice things for your kids and would consider them part of his family. He would be figuring out a way to build a life WITH you, rather than NEXT TO you. And, at least in my personal opinion, given that you've been together for 4 years, he would have been doing this 2 years ago. The comingling efforts would have come at around the same time as the proposal, which would not have happened reluctantly.

I say all of this from personal experience, on all fronts, including the "I had to help him out for a while when he lost his job" front.

OP, what can there possibly be to love abut this guy? If he's fun to hang out with, just be friends. If he's good in bed, just be FWB.

I hope it's fake. But in case it's not, the two adults in the house should contribute 50/50 to mortgage and bills and repairs. I've got three step kids and willingly live a much lower standard of living to make sure they are taken care of. Kids are the priority. He's not man enough to be a step dad if he doesn't get on board with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has to be fake. I never call fake and actually get really pissed off by the overuse of the word "troll" on dcum, but people like this can't possibly exist. If it is true and you really are this delusional, get rid of him now now now now. Get rid of him yesterday. Can't possibly stress how fast you should run.

This is really happening to me this very day. I am with him because I love him and enjoy spending time with him and we have similar interests and make each other laugh. My parents are still together, I don't know anyone divorced, I don't know what is fair and believed that the amount he is contributing (chores and financially) is more than it would be without him. So my alternative is lose what is being contributed and someone I love all in the same day.

OP, what is being contributed is very little financially, and very little emotionally. By staying with him and letting the status quo continue, you're preventing yourself from finding someone who is really right for you. This guy makes you laugh and you enjoy spending time with him. But he has shown you time and time again, by his actions and his words, that he does not truly value you and is very much NOT with you through thick and thin.

It sounds like you went from a bad marriage to a bad new relationship. You need a reset. Either the ground rules of your relationship need to change SIGNFICANTLY, or the relationship needs to end. He is acting more like a parasite than a partner. He's feeding off you but giving very, very little in return. That is not love.

Get a toy and some lube and give it to him up the ass. You're on the receiving end right now.

It will make you feel better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has to be fake. I never call fake and actually get really pissed off by the overuse of the word "troll" on dcum, but people like this can't possibly exist. If it is true and you really are this delusional, get rid of him now now now now. Get rid of him yesterday. Can't possibly stress how fast you should run.

This is really happening to me this very day. I am with him because I love him and enjoy spending time with him and we have similar interests and make each other laugh. My parents are still together, I don't know anyone divorced, I don't know what is fair and believed that the amount he is contributing (chores and financially) is more than it would be without him. So my alternative is lose what is being contributed and someone I love all in the same day.

This isn't happening to you. You are allowing this to happen. There's a huge difference.

Anonymous wrote:Your post has made me very upset. I'm literally sitting at my desk at work crying. I'm upset with you and upset with him. You deserve better than this OP.

Me too

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has to be fake. I never call fake and actually get really pissed off by the overuse of the word "troll" on dcum, but people like this can't possibly exist. If it is true and you really are this delusional, get rid of him now now now now. Get rid of him yesterday. Can't possibly stress how fast you should run.

This is really happening to me this very day. I am with him because I love him and enjoy spending time with him and we have similar interests and make each other laugh. My parents are still together, I don't know anyone divorced, I don't know what is fair and believed that the amount he is contributing (chores and financially) is more than it would be without him. So my alternative is lose what is being contributed and someone I love all in the same day.

Op I totally get what you mean and this helps me to see why you stay. The little help he provides is better than no help at all.

I just want to say that he will continue to treat you the way you allow him to.

I can guarantee you that if you put your foot down and set boundaries he will either comply or he will leave.

If he complies this should make you feel good to know that you demanded and received respect.

If he leaves then he was never worth your time to begin with.

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who said to dump him and move into a house you can afford by yourself. I would also like to suggest that you get counseling to see why you think it's ok that he treat you and your children like this.

(It's none of my business, but am now curious why your marriage broke up)

He cheated.