Money aside, I can't get past the fact that the MIL expects OP to fly from DC to Hawaii with three young kids. I felt like I was going insane on the second leg of my return flight from HI--and I didn't have any children with me. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had to keep three preschoolers entertained.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Here's an excerpt from MIL's e-mail (names are fake):

"I am still upset that all of you are not coming to Fred and Ginger's wedding. This is an important and joyous occasion that will happen once in a lifetime. Can't you find a way to save the money? It's over 6 months away. We don't need Christmas presents this year."

I did not respond and forwarded to DH. Sigh.

"That's sweet of you to offer Mama but we really hadn't budgeted $6,000 for Christmas gifts for you anyway"

Sometimes I think folks honestly don't realize how much money it costs. Spell it out for her. "We truly would love to come so maybe we could do the opposite and make this our Christmas gifts from everyone else. Bill and I will contribute the $2,000 we had budgeted for our family vacation. If you and Daddy and Fred and ginger can gift the rest to us it would absolutely make it possible! You are so right about it being joyous and I'm glad we have a plan to make it happen. Now I'm getting excited for the trip!"

hehehe

TOTALLY AGREE!

And everyone who gets mad about you not showing up to your destination wedding is a jerk.

Everyone who I know that has planned a "destination wedding" has done so with the strictest intention of sending out a bazillion invitations and hoping to get back a bazillion "no" responses, thereby having a small wedding with just their closest friends and maybe a small smattering of family, while still getting a card and a check from every invitee who felt guilty that they couldn't make it to the blessed event. Don't worry about poor uncle, he's going to be busy getting drunk and hanging out with his new wife and friends to even notice that you and the kids aren't there! LOL

^^ I mean destination weddings are mainly for young single people with no kids, who are also rich. Otherwise it is just a burden.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, totally agree. I HATE destination weddings. What an imposition (and huge expense) put on everyone. We just RSVP no to all of them and put them in the circular file. It might be fun for the bride and groom but for the rest of us that have lives, kids, tuition payments, homework, college looming, it's just not a wise expenditure of time or money

I agree with the previous poster that it is just for a couple of single people who feel like showing up, and it seems very self centered. I also have noticed that if you give an actual reason, ie, $6K is too much, the response will invariably be an analysis of your finances. For example, well, you went to the Caribbean last years ect. Just say no.

It's not a vacation if the first three days or so is all tied up with pre-wedding, wedding day, and post wedding bs. I go on vacation to see things I never have or relax. Not to stress about a wedding and see the inside of a resort confrence room.

Anonymous wrote:braces, school expenses, activity fees, doctor's visits, instruments, shoes, clothes, feeding a family...

Up top on this one. I love the "but you can make it a vacation!" line. Because you get to decide that for me? Of course I can go, or not. And have, to two of my good friend's exotic locale weddings. They were nice, but I resent the implication that traveling to someone else's destination wedding is some kind of win/win for the guests.

Anonymous wrote:Just acknowledging that what some think of as a destination wedding really might not be. Not necessarily this case, of course.

Fo example

Bride from HI. Groom from NY. Both live in It is a travel nightmare for some family regardless. Add in the fact they might live in a third place currently. In that case HI isn't a destination wedding. Maybe they pick a resort for simplicity since folks would have to travel regardless.

Just saying dont assume motivations for a wedding location are ill intended.

Of course you still are always free to decline and no one should say boo about that.

Oh absolutely - brides and grooms come from different home towns all of the time. Sometimes that means Hawaii. And even destination weddings planned in Hawaii shouldn't be perceived as "ill intended".

We are flying to Hawaii for a big family event and airfare is close to $1000 pp. we are a family of 5 too. Hotels are expensive, and food is also pricey. The rest of the family has copious FF miles and no kids, and make similar incomes to us in cheaper areas of the country. They don't understand why we seem so stressed about paying for it.

Just acknowledging that what some think of as a destination wedding really might not be. Not necessarily this case, of course.

Fo example

Bride from HI. Groom from NY. Both live in It is a travel nightmare for some family regardless. Add in the fact they might live in a third place currently. In that case HI isn't a destination wedding. Maybe they pick a resort for simplicity since folks would have to travel regardless.

Just saying dont assume motivations for a wedding location are ill intended.

Of course you still are always free to decline and no one should say boo about that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Here's an excerpt from MIL's e-mail (names are fake):

"I am still upset that all of you are not coming to Fred and Ginger's wedding. This is an important and joyous occasion that will happen once in a lifetime. Can't you find a way to save the money? It's over 6 months away. We don't need Christmas presents this year."

I did not respond and forwarded to DH. Sigh.

Beyond your completely correct position on not going to this ridiculous wedding, your mother-in-law sounds like a truly terrible person. "Can't you find a way to save the money?" How dare she? This makes me indignant on your behalf, and it goes far beyond her failure to comprehend that forcing her son to schlep his five-person family out to HAWAII for a wedding is ridiculous. You are far kinder than I'd be in response.

+1 Well said.

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably going to be the only one saying this, but I'd make more of an effort. What kind of destination? Somewhere you could actually make a vacation out of?

I do think mil is overstepping it a bit with her comments. Also, not the most considerate of uncle.

I will say, if you don't go, you sure as hell better not be taking any Disney vacations or anything like that for the next couple of years. If I was uncle and found out about a Disney vacation that year, I'd be really pissed.

The uncle has no right to be pissed. Even if theydud Disney or anything else. You getting married doesn't require me to spend $ 6k to attend. Greesh.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Here's an excerpt from MIL's e-mail (names are fake):

"I am still upset that all of you are not coming to Fred and Ginger's wedding. This is an important and joyous occasion that will happen once in a lifetime. Can't you find a way to save the money? It's over 6 months away. We don't need Christmas presents this year."

I did not respond and forwarded to DH. Sigh.

Beyond your completely correct position on not going to this ridiculous wedding, your mother-in-law sounds like a truly terrible person. "Can't you find a way to save the money?" How dare she? This makes me indignant on your behalf, and it goes far beyond her failure to comprehend that forcing her son to schlep his five-person family out to HAWAII for a wedding is ridiculous. You are far kinder than I'd be in response.

"DH and I agree that this is an important family event, and that's why we are budgeting for him to attend while I stay here by myself for five full days taking care of all three children on my own. "

Five full days? Land o' Goshen!