Anonymous
08/08/2013 09:56
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Just because a grandparent lives fairly close by (within an hour or two) does not mean that they will be interested in being a "hands on" type grandparent - babysitting, taking the kids places, going shopping with you. You might see them at the holidays for dinner/gift exchange. Maybe on birthdays and other random weekends but these visits are just that - visits.
It would be that way with them if they lived clear across the country or even right next door to you. And really, that's o.k. - just love them for who they are.
It would be that way with them if they lived clear across the country or even right next door to you. And really, that's o.k. - just love them for who they are.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 09:49
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Not the OP, but I think part of the sad feelings here are about having your own child and loving him/her so much. I can't imagine treating my children the way my parents have treated me. My kids are preschool age, but I look into the future and see myself helping out with their kids, spending fun times with them when they're adults, just being with them. So it hurts to know that my own parents are just not that interested.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 09:45
Subject: Re:Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Anonymous wrote:OP, honestly you need to get over it. My parents NEVER travel to see me or my kids. They live 500 miles away. And my in-laws are dead.
You get what you get and I understand feeling disappointed, but you have to just move on. Not everyone gets the ideal Grandma and Grandpa that are super engaged. Sucks, but reality. Focus on what you do have, not what you don't have. And stop expecting anything from your parents.
Do you belong to a church or other group? Maybe some of the older people there could step in to take that role. My kids get lots of love from the older people at our church and though it's not the same, at least it's something.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 09:38
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to Hawaii 8 years ago. They moved because they wanted to live in a tropical paradise, but have no family there. I'm an only child and while I was happy for them to move to their tropical paradise, it makes me feel very sad that I only see them once a year. I work full-time and only get 10 days vacation a year, so I try to visit every other year. Meanwhile, they are both retired and travel the world constantly, yet only visit me once a year. They often complain why I don't visit them more often but don't seem to understand the constraints of only having 10 vacation days per year and how far away Hawaii is from here. It's not like you can go to Hawaii for a few days.
Now DH and I are expecting our first child, and my parents have not expressed any interest in changing their once a year visiting behavior. I haven't seen them in a year and a half, and they are not planning to visit at all before the baby is born, which makes me sad. It would be nice to go nursery shopping with my mom or have them be a part in planning for the baby, but they are not interested, but instead have planned several other vacations. They will come for a short visit after the baby is born, but I'm sure they won't come again for another year. I feel resentful of the fact that they aren't interested in visiting us, despite the fact that they travel the world frequently, but can't seem to stop over here for a visit in between their many vacations. They always say that I should be the one visiting them, and are upset that I'm not willing to bring a newborn to Hawaii to visit them right away, and don't understand that I don't want to bring a newborn on such a long flight until its older. How can I better deal with my family dynamic? I find myself feeling very resentful of their attitudes toward visiting, especially because they will not be involved very often in their grandchild's milestones. They don't put a very high priority on family, and it really makes me sad.
My parents are exactly like this!! I don't have any answers for you, but I agree that it's incredibly annoying and it hurts. They have so much disposable income, so much time (both retired) and travel all over the place, but they haven't been to visit me for about 2 years, and they have no plans to visit, either. If I want to see them, I have to fly across the country to the west coast to visit. But, I know they aren't going to change and it's their loss that they won't see their grandchildren.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 09:35
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
OP, your parents usually go on vacations they stay on for at least a month it sounds. They do this because they are elderly and traveling those long distances is exhausting. You need time to recoup.
They are not going to stay a month or longer at your house because they don't like where you live. SO they stay a week, and yeah, they do spend the time exhausted because they don't have time to recover from travel.
Your very argument about not going to Hawaii is that you can't stay long enough to recover from the flight. Why can't you see the same from your parents' perspective?
If they don't like the city and there is nothing to do there that they like, why would they stay long? And would you really want them to stay that long anyway?
I assume they are saving up the yearly visit to your place until the baby is born. WHy would they come visit twice--just to see you pregnant?
Once a year is good, and you never know how things change when the baby is born.
My dad lives 4 hours away and I see him every 18 months. He is just a big believer in letting adult children live their lives. It is his generation.
Once a year isn't great, but it isn't total abandonment.
They are not going to stay a month or longer at your house because they don't like where you live. SO they stay a week, and yeah, they do spend the time exhausted because they don't have time to recover from travel.
Your very argument about not going to Hawaii is that you can't stay long enough to recover from the flight. Why can't you see the same from your parents' perspective?
If they don't like the city and there is nothing to do there that they like, why would they stay long? And would you really want them to stay that long anyway?
I assume they are saving up the yearly visit to your place until the baby is born. WHy would they come visit twice--just to see you pregnant?
Once a year is good, and you never know how things change when the baby is born.
My dad lives 4 hours away and I see him every 18 months. He is just a big believer in letting adult children live their lives. It is his generation.
Once a year isn't great, but it isn't total abandonment.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 09:25
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Anonymous wrote:You all need to vacation together in a neutral, fun location. That way no one is bored sitting around someone's house in the suburbs and no one is burdened by houseguests.
That's great they are coming to see the baby. Would you rather they stay for weeks and weeks like in some cultures?
Just lay it out there and find a compromise/solution.
Sounds nice, but that could get mighty expensive in hurry depending on what is planned (champagne tastes on a beer budget). As long as it's not a financial burden on anyone, I think it would be a nice way of handling it. Maybe everyone could be in charge of their own accommodations..
Anonymous
08/08/2013 09:12
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of these in-laws are afraid to fly or if they are intimidated by navigating an airport by themselves or feel uncomfortable driving long distances.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I've only flown on an airplane a few times in my life and they do seem a bit confusing to me now. Right now, I can't imagine anything keeping me away from a new grand baby but when I get a little more age on me....well, I hope it won't be an issue for me. If it is, I'll absolutely tell my kids about it but I think that some grandparents might be too embarrassed to admit these sorts of things..
You do know that they don't expect you to fly the plane, right? There's someone who does that?
Well, yes I do know that - Duh, lol. It's navigating the airport that I have little experience with, although I'm sure I could figure it all out if I had to. I can see how some older people might have trouble dealing with layovers, baggage handling, long walks across the airport, logistics etc.
Long drives can be daunting prospects for the elderly or those not accustomed to driving long distances, too.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 08:58
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Anonymous wrote:You all need to vacation together in a neutral, fun location. That way no one is bored sitting around someone's house in the suburbs and no one is burdened by houseguests.
That's great they are coming to see the baby. Would you rather they stay for weeks and weeks like in some cultures?
Just lay it out there and find a compromise/solution.
I think that's a good idea-- unless there are money issues, there's no reason why people should feel like they MUST meet at a grandparent's or adult child's house in order to get some quality time in. I wish my parents would be up to meeting us in a nice place everyone can enjoy rather than my boring suburban hometown. Honestly, I have as much interest in going there for an extended weekend as they do in coming here.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 08:53
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of these in-laws are afraid to fly or if they are intimidated by navigating an airport by themselves or feel uncomfortable driving long distances.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I've only flown on an airplane a few times in my life and they do seem a bit confusing to me now. Right now, I can't imagine anything keeping me away from a new grand baby but when I get a little more age on me....well, I hope it won't be an issue for me. If it is, I'll absolutely tell my kids about it but I think that some grandparents might be too embarrassed to admit these sorts of things..
You do know that they don't expect you to fly the plane, right? There's someone who does that?
Anonymous
08/08/2013 08:38
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
I wonder if some of these in-laws are afraid to fly or if they are intimidated by navigating an airport by themselves or feel uncomfortable driving long distances.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I've only flown on an airplane a few times in my life and they do seem a bit confusing to me now. Right now, I can't imagine anything keeping me away from a new grand baby but when I get a little more age on me....well, I hope it won't be an issue for me. If it is, I'll absolutely tell my kids about it but I think that some grandparents might be too embarrassed to admit these sorts of things..
I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I've only flown on an airplane a few times in my life and they do seem a bit confusing to me now. Right now, I can't imagine anything keeping me away from a new grand baby but when I get a little more age on me....well, I hope it won't be an issue for me. If it is, I'll absolutely tell my kids about it but I think that some grandparents might be too embarrassed to admit these sorts of things..
Anonymous
08/08/2013 08:19
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
OP- i totally hear you. My In-laws are out west, and in the 14 months of my DD's life, she met her grandmother once (she was brand new at that time) and NEVER met her grandfather. It's "too far", as well. But not too far to ask us to drive out there or fly with a baby (now toddler). It's really sad and I cannot picture making those choices if I become a grandmother.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 06:14
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Anonymous wrote:Why should I drop everything I'm up to and fly clear across tarnation to stay with ungrateful adult children who think I'm their own personal nanny-Mary-Poppins for a week. No thanks. I got a life, I got hobbies. If you want to come visit me, fine, as long as you can read these five letters: H-O-T-E-L.
Out of curiosity, who's the parent in this dynamic? -Since it's clearly not you.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 06:12
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why should I drop everything I'm up to and fly clear across tarnation to stay with ungrateful adult children who think I'm their own personal nanny-Mary-Poppins for a week. No thanks. I got a life, I got hobbies. If you want to come visit me, fine, as long as you can read these five letters: H-O-T-E-L.
Hope you enjoy that nursing home your child sticks you in 15 years!
They'll have to catch me first, bucko.
Anonymous
08/07/2013 22:37
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
Anonymous wrote:Why should I drop everything I'm up to and fly clear across tarnation to stay with ungrateful adult children who think I'm their own personal nanny-Mary-Poppins for a week. No thanks. I got a life, I got hobbies. If you want to come visit me, fine, as long as you can read these five letters: H-O-T-E-L.
Hope you enjoy that nursing home your child sticks you in 15 years!
Anonymous
08/07/2013 19:50
Subject: Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
You all need to vacation together in a neutral, fun location. That way no one is bored sitting around someone's house in the suburbs and no one is burdened by houseguests.
That's great they are coming to see the baby. Would you rather they stay for weeks and weeks like in some cultures?
Just lay it out there and find a compromise/solution.
That's great they are coming to see the baby. Would you rather they stay for weeks and weeks like in some cultures?
Just lay it out there and find a compromise/solution.