Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 08:05     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So, I am stationed overseas on a 3-year assignment. Last summer, during one of the rain storms, derecho or whatver it was that happened our basement flooded due to power failure. Our sump pumps stopped working and the basement flooded. Luckily our insurance paid to repair the finished basement.

However, DW is now complaining with the summer storm season coming on that this being the Washington area where power failures seem to be de rigeur for even the smallest thunderstorm, that our basement will inevitably flood when the power goes out yet again. She wants to install a backup system. I agree, but the question comes down to how to pay for it. I know for a fact that she took at least $5K from the insurance payout and squirreled it away in her own account. When I raise with her that this money can be used to pay for the backup system, she cried this is her "compensation." So, at this point I am basically saying that I agree we need a backup system, but that the responsibility for paying for it needs to come out of that remainder of insurance money because "that is what it is for." If the basement floods again, she will need to accept responsibility.

Frankly, I do not understand her thinking that this insurance money is her "compensation." However, she either needs to decide whether she wants to keep that money - which is not hers to begin with - or whether she wants to prevent the basement from flooding again. I do not understand her stubborness, but she needs to put on her big girl pants and start acting like an adult and not expect me to cave in and give her what she wants.


All of this sounds to me like OP has an awful attitude towards his DW. Whatever bad things I might do, I doubt my DH would ever speak of me in these terms.

You guys have some work to do, and as others have said, it's not in the basement.


OP here. Where is use bad attitude? She is complaining about not having her backup system and know very well that she has the money. She is not entitled to "compensation" from the insurance payout. Believe me - she gets more than enough from what I earn. Since I have just laid out for summer camp for the kids, recent car repairs, orthodontics, her credit card and her medical bill not covered by insurance, I think she needs to step up to the plate and pony up $2K. Otherwise, she is saying that the backup system is not so important to me that I'm willing to part with the money.

And yes, I do expect a 39 year old woman to behave like a grown up and take some responsibility. My mother dealt with three kids and a husband in a combat zone and never ever would've behaved this way.


Isn't that your job?
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 08:01     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Anonymous wrote:Here's where I'm getting lost...isn't it her house too? Doesn't she have a vested interest in getting a backup system installed? If she has the $5K and there is no other money for home improvement, then what is her suggestion as to how to pay for the back up system?


When your husband is overseas, you want money in the bank just in case.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 08:00     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Anonymous wrote:I don't know if your DW is crazy, but I think you sound pretty mean, OP.

And if you were here for the Derecho, you wouldn't be sounding so flippant about it. If I was on my own with the kids during that, plus a flooded basement, I'd want my DH to be damn thankful for me.


Exactly. I was up north during the Derecho. My husband had just arrived with me two days prior to the event. He got on a plane and went home to handle the fridge/freezers/etc. for two days. I offered to do it but he laughed and said "you would melt in the heat, then call me up and freak out". He is correct What I did was get on the computer and phone at all hours of the day and night and handle the power company for my husband and neighbors until they were turned on. In most situations, they could not get through and I could. Sure enough, the power company thought our little neighborhood was on and had closed our req - it wasn't. Without my husband's and neighbor's input, I couldn't have helped, and without my husband cleaning up at our house, it would have been gross.

Win/Win.

Her husband could have helped a lot from overseas; instead he criticizes his wife for being a wuss? Really?
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 07:54     Subject: Re:DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Anonymous wrote:So what if DW keeps the 5K? You are far away and she cleans the mess. With the summer we are getting ready to have/having I think a back up system is a good idea. The insurance company will not be happy to compensate you twice. Have you actually seen the damage? It is easy to be far away and say...well it is no problem for me...
My DH did this and I sent him some of the soggy nasty stuff. When he saw it he understood better what I went through. It was just a small package, easliy thrown away... not a whole basement.


This is exactly what I was thinking. This woman is home taking care of EVERYTHING while her husband is away on a three-year assignment. Anyone who thinks that's easy is crazy. OP, are you getting compensatory pay for being overseas and away from your family. Probably so. Use that and let her bank some cash. As a SAH mother, nothing is scarier then not having your own nest egg.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 07:52     Subject: Re:DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Anonymous wrote:OP You sound bitter and angry. Get over yourself. You left her with the lovely choice of Russia and the armpits that you list, or doing it herself. State dept people are not suffering in their posts. They are so completely full of themselves, espcially when the wife is at home with the kids. BTDT.


I agree.

Whether or not you are right, OP, you sound like an ass. If you talk to your wife the way you write about her here, then it seems your marriage is filled with contempt and hatred. If that's true, then divorce and be done with it.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 07:37     Subject: Re:DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
OP You sound bitter and angry. Get over yourself. You left her with the lovely choice of Russia and the armpits that you list, or doing it herself. State dept people are not suffering in their posts. They are so completely full of themselves, espcially when the wife is at home with the kids. BTDT.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 06:20     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Compensation for what? The money isn't spent - it's sitting in an account in her name. I see the insurance payments made out on our policy, I saw the receipts for the work done, I saw the trail of EFTs to the bank account(s) and I saw her bank statement.

I don't know, but would your DH or DW spend $5K without first asking you? Would they go and spend the money on a "much needed household upgrade or repair" without asking you?

Every red cent I earn goes to household expenses, kids, cars and savings for retirement and college. At the end of the month, the balance of my cashflow is 0. There is nothing extra, so if she sees the backup system as a necessity, she needs to tap into the $5K. Pretty simple I think, and not something that should be beyond normal expectation.

Of course, she always claims the house is "hers." Since I haven't actually lived there more than a few months in the last three years, may she could pay to take care of "her" house.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 04:20     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
I think the question is was the money actually for compensation? Does DW have any income of her own? I think you need more evidence of action, did she take the money and spend it on herself or did she actually put it away for future use? Did she spend it on another much-needed household upgrade or repair?

If money isn't an issue, you may be the one that has to give here. Approach her, tell her that it's not an issue anymore but you need to work on this together. If she doesn't have the money anymore, so be it. But tell her that insurance money isn't like some kind of lottery windfall.

And lastly, stop comparing her to your mother. How would you feel if she was comparing you to her Dad? They are completely separate people and it's inappropriate to hold her to your mother's standards.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 03:11     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Anonymous wrote:DW seems to think a career is somehow limited to Canada and Western Europe.


Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 03:09     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
But that is neither here nor there - we have the money to pay for the backup. She refuses to take the cost out of there and thinks it needs to come out of my salary, which pays all other expenses. She is unreasonable on that front. Thank you very much.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 03:08     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Russia. DW chose not to come. Her choice.

Foreign Service hardship tours can be 2 -3 years. This Fall's bidding list includes, for example:

Lagos - 3 years
Chengdu - 2 years
Chennai - 2 year
Guangzhou - 3 years
Hanoi - 3 years
HCM City - 3 years
Mumbai - 3 years

The list goes on. I've only counted posts with a 20 % or higher differential. Lagos is 25% plus a 15% Service Need Differential. Places like AIP countries are 1 year tours that are too dangerous for families. I would go to any of those three for a year before Lagos. Otherwisw, I will virtually go anywhere.

DW seems to think a career is somehow limited to Canada and Western Europe.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 01:33     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Where r u for three years that your family can't come?? Hardship tours with Military or state are usually not three years
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 23:40     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I guess our female ancestors were much stronger than today's women. After all they helped to conquer apple a wilderness, run farms, work in factories when husbands were off to war. They didn't expect baubles. We haven't come a long way baby!


I couldn't agree more. I like my pampering and all, but good Lord. My grandparents who lived through the Depression would roll their eyes at some of you. You defenders of women (so-called) know it is possible to rise to the occasion and to live without flowers, the spa, etc etc etc. Right?


Well, I suspect the majority of us are living in the first world in 2013 and have adjusted expectations accordingly.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 22:04     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that she has already spend some/most/all if the money and that is why she is being so weird?


Winner winner chicken dinner.


Bet somebody has a broken in LV bag when daddy comes home...
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 21:51     Subject: DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult
Anonymous wrote:I don't know if your DW is crazy, but I think you sound pretty mean, OP.

And if you were here for the Derecho, you wouldn't be sounding so flippant about it. If I was on my own with the kids during that, plus a flooded basement, I'd want my DH to be damn thankful for me.


I agree. It was bad, very bad.